UnBooks:The Unspoken Rules of Yahoo Chat

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“Isn't that where ugly people go to get laid, that's so not hot.”
~ Paris Hilton on Yahoo Chat
“A/S/L is so 1998”
~ Paris Hilton on Yahoo Chat

edit Prologue

Are you one of the sorry SOB's who can't seem to get the attention of young women? Do you often find yourself masturbating in your grandmothers lingerie while watching the Golden Girls? Have you you ever found yourself watching reruns of Knight Rider and fantasizing about a long night with David Hasselhoff? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then this article is for you!

Contained within this page are useful but pointless tips regarding chat etiquette and Internet hygiene. It should be noted though that if you are relying on this guide to associate with people online in such a way that you will not be referred to as "farty pants" you should invest in Beano, not Uncyclopedia.

Yahoo Chat is the bridge between Livejournal and Myspace. This is most evident by the creation of yahoo360 a Myspace clone designed to get traffic for the site. If you are interested in making a yahoo account, simply use the account creation device. You can buy this device at any hardware store. Should you have problems locating one, simply ask the store clerk where you can find a Yahoo Assimilation Module for your porno machine.

Provided you can make an account, you should go ahead and make some preparations before hopping directly into chat. You should make sure you have a picture of yourself. Make sure you have a webcam. Make sure you have a microphone. Once you have these basics, you are ready to fill out your profile....


edit Chapter One

Choosing a snappy Username is the best way to get attention. The current craze is to include the text string aa1 or jules in you name. This will show you either really love stake or read fiction. With names like this the room will explode with people wanting to see your cam.

The Profile

Filling out your profile is the best way to get attention without doing anything impressive. If you have a picture, some witty quotes and a depressing attitude you will do fine. For added flare be sure to add as much personal information as you can to your profile. This includes:

  • Your DOB
  • Your SSN
  • The first 5 digits of your password
  • Your city of birth.
  • The answer to your security question disguised as link
  • an affirmation of your undying love for Dashboard Confessional

Doing this will prove to people that you are real. You don't want to people to think you are fake, do you? While you will play a role in chat, you should try to make that role seem real. The easiest way to do this is be emo. Emo is referenced on this site, you should try to emulate it as describe until such time as your Individuality Quotient(IQ) drops below 52. At that point you should be ready to associate with the natives.

Be sure to add a link to your blog on your profile. If you don't have a blog you may make one for free at Livejournal. Refer to it as your "LJ" and post bar poetry and random quiz results. This will show you to be "hip" with the trend was well as convince people you are "intelligent". Along with a link to your blog, you should post links to internet shock sites like oralse.cx and google.com with these seemingly valid insights you are ready to move on to the next part of your profile.

For your favorite quote you should find a quote from any movie that stars Jennifer Connelly. This will also add to your credibility as well as help your cause to seem "sensitive and intelligent". Also for the hobbies section you should find a list of hobbies on someone else's profile and copy it word for word. You are already resorting to a guide in order to gain popularity on a website populated by telemarketing hindus and fat chicks, you should embrace your lack of creativity and move along with the rest of the herd.

Be sure to point out that you hate people. This goes well with the rest of the users who are trying to be like everyone else. The more you hate stuff the more you will come across as understanding and useful to conversation. If you can pull it off, you should act like an enthusiastic racist and sexist. For added emo points you can list Nietzsche as a hero.


edit Chapter Two

Choosing a Room
You should choose a room and stick with it. If you hop from room to room you will be forced to introduce yourself as often as possible to get attention. I suggest that new users go to the the Religion and Beliefs section. You should enter any of these rooms and proclaim yourself a worshiper of "Satan". This will instantly get attention as well as attract other insignificant posers like yourself.

If you find yourself in the Astrology rooms be rude and offensive to everyone. Tell them that tarot is ancient Sumerian for asswipe. This brings us to the first rule of yahoo chat:

1. Being mean to innocent people is the best way to show that you are worth listening too.

No one really cares what you say in the room because in truth you are insignificant. Rather than sulk in this realization try harder to piss them off. It is easy, avoid momma jokes though, you are better off accusing random chatters of pedophilia and a profound amount of experience preforming live goatse shows. This is also a great way to make friends. If someone is already picking on a rube, verbally assault them mercilessly until such time as you are blue in the face.

Be sure to insult Jesus. This will show you are not involved with the pro-Jesus people and thus solidify your stance among the fluffy bunny crowd. Fluffies are your friends. You should claim to be one and proud of it. If anyone calls you a fluffy call them a "elitist scumbag" or "reg".

Regardless of your gender, should you enter the Islam or Hindu rooms it is suggested you say you are a single white American female. This will get Arabian princes to send you money as well as get you all the attention you want. Also, you will make many friends and have a chance fly to Egypt to be the bride of Abu Abib the Saudi Goat Rapist.

Should you enter a Christian/Catholic room you shout "Praise the lord and pass the ammunition" on the microphone as well as "Hail Satan!" This will confuse people and allow you to solicit 14 year old bible thumpers so you can show up on a Dateline special and become world famous for loving sex with children. Not that you do not already hold that title locally thanks to that incident working as a mall Santa back in 98 when it was found you had a boner when little Sally Sue said the word pony while on your lap.

You should also talk condescendingly about people. Talk about them but not to them and if they ask about it keep talking about them. Then insult yourself in third person and shout "I like bacon!!!" this will again confuse the masses and convince them that you are in fact crazy.

Last but not least should you enter a Paganism room. Say Merry Meet when you enter this will comfort the other fluffy bunnies as well as show your IQ to those in the room. Be sure to refer to the first letter of the room name and the number of the room when talking about the room, this will make you seem 1337 as well as point out that you know where you are.

Also you should avoid Paganism:3 people like you will not be accepted there. It is a room exclusively used by "elitists" and if you are not now a reg you will never be one. Paganism:2 is where you want to go. There you will be welcomed and strange women will show you nudity.

edit Chapter Three

Bots

Talk to the bots, they learn from what you say and people will see how considerate you are. If a bot posts a link, follow it and spend all the money in your parent's bank account. Once you are done with that you should attempt conversation with bots as often as possible in voice chat. If you please them they will answer you. This brings us to rule number two:

2. Bots are people too, you should send them money.

If a bot tells you about a way to make money playing the UK Lottery or via Nigerian money transfers then go along with it and thank them for the investment advise. You will find more and more bots sending you tips like this and before long you will be an internet millionaire.

Some bots will want to show you nudity at their website. Go to this site and then ask if they remember you. They will and when you give them money they will masturbate in front of you. It is a cheap way to kill your little swimmers and condemn them to Kleenex hell.

Trolling
Trolls are cool, you want to be cool right. You can prove your trolliness by flooding the chat room with emotes and playing Michael Bolton via voice chat. You can also ramble incessantly about the way things should be and scream into your microphone every time you see your name in bold black letters in the room.

3. Trolling gets you laid.

Ignores
When people ignore you it means they like you. You should then verbally assault them until they take you off of ignore so you can prove yourself to be worth a damn. Also if someone ignores you should consider playing the emo card. Tell them a sob story about how your daddy touched your no no place and you will easily get a farmer's daughter in the sack. Chicks dig abuse stories.

4. When people ignore you beg to be taken off ignore, it works.

edit Epilogue

By following these simple rules and steps you will unsure that you will rise to the higher echelons of yahoo chat popularity. Hell, before you know it you may be invited to a real chat room via IRC, but who are we kidding you don't know what IRC is anyway.

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