UnBooks:The Uncyclopedian Nativity Play

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The novel The Uncyclopedian Nativity Play is also available in paperback.

WARNING: Many a cliché here beware

This is some kind of nativity play or what, under construction, yeah peace.

edit Chapter 1: It begins

angelicfeline: In the town of Nazareth twas a warm winters night, the wind was ticklish and light, and at a south-easternly direction, corresponding as you can see with the cold front coming, expect some thunderstorms in the early hours of next morning, thank you for listening.

HolyZidane: This ain't BBC for god's sake, we are speaking of the long told story of the birth of the great saviour?

angelicfeline: Well so-rry, pfft blame me for trying to spice this thing up.

HolyZidane: Oi, this is supposed to be boring in order to contrast with the fun the toys and other stuff children NEED to be buying, get with the times.

angelicfeline: Are you sure you came from heaven?

HolyZidane: Ahem... *points to halo over bald head*

angelicfeline: Ok FINE, on with the play?

HolyZidane: Yes yes, where were you?

angelicfeline: The weather, I was about to introduce the sports

HolyZidane: (patronising) Erm, why don't we skip that and go to the part where God tells us something.

angelicfeline: K, yes, so God was sitting on his throne as always and texted us to come to him straight away. We say God but we just call him Oscar.

Oscar: CLD U PLZ CUM 2 MY PLCE, I GOT SUMMIN 2 TELL U 2

HolyZidane: What happened to your nice rhyming verse?

angelicfeline: ...meh

HolyZidane: Indeed, so Oscar told us to come to Him, he told us with great authority (he is God after all)

Oscar: I think in creating man, I somewhat overestimated my ability, so I need to make them behave a bit. We got Jews there right now yes?

angelicfeline: I guess, head banging 'an all.

HolyZidane: Sorry Oscar, but behave? How?

Oscar: Well the plan be a simple one, I send a messiah down, just to confuse them a bit, some will believe him, some won't, then I'll send another one in... ooh, about 500 years, I'll make that one a terrorist too.

angelicfeline: ...

HolyZidane: .......

Oscar: You are angels, I am God, so you can shove your dotdotdots up your holy arse. Now, I want you to go tell Madonna -she looks nice and religousy-, tell her she's gonna have a cool baby that can do magic tricks, and tell her to name him Jesus.

HolyZidane: Jesus?

Oscar: At least it rhymes with Las Vegas.

angelicfeline: Las Vegas?

Oscar: Some city I'm gonna make in a few centuries, loads of drugs, corruption, lives ruined, coveting of money, you know the deal.

HolyZidane: :|

Oscar: What is it with those emoticons of yours?! STOP IT, THIS ISN'T SOME IRC CHAT ROOM

angelicfeline: Well actuall-

angelicfeline was kicked from #heaven@irc.heaven.net by Oscar (reason: DAMNATION)
HolyZidane was kicked from #heaven@irc.heaven.net by Oscar (reason:DITTO TO YOU)

edit Chapter 2: To Nazareth!!! (@irc.earth.net)

HolyZidane: Woopsy, Oscar is pissed.

angelicfeline: Well we better tell Madonna that magic baby thing.

HolyZidane: Why? All heaven is Oscar just telling us of his crazy ideas about making the Earth.

angelicfeline: Are YOU crazy? They got free cable up there! And a 24/7 all you can eat buffet.

HolyZidane: Yeah but theres no meat in HeavenFriedSalad

angelicfeline: Oi you shut it, anyway, we need to go to Nazareth now, tell Madonna blahblah.

HolyZidane: Hold on a minute, my username isn't registered on irc.earth.net, lemme just register.

angelicfeline: Oh honestly come on.

HolyZidane: What is it you need to type? /msg chans-

angelicfeline: Don't make me smite you with thunder.

HolyZidane: Eep. don't worry! Got it, yeah ok let's go!


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HolyZidane: I'll just stand here and watch

angelicfeline: Why not come with me? Two angelic spirits are better than one as they say.

HolyZidane: Well er- I-

angelicfeline: Oh I know, you can't cut it when it comes to human girls can you?

HolyZidane: NO, it's jjust erm yes well LOOK, IT'S SATAN!

angelicfeline: You think I'm gonna fall for that?

HolyZidane: NO REALLY, THERE RIGHT THERE!!!! OH MAN NOW IT'S GOING

BillGates left #nazareth@irc.earth.net (VISTAAA)

angelicfeline: Anywaay, I'm going now, to tell Madonna, you behave.

angelicfeline left #nazareth@irc.earth.net (you better)
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HolyZidane: Oh I will.

edit Chapter 3: An angel enters </bad chapter title, not witty at all... tut>

angelicfeline started private messaging with Madonna@irc.earth.net

angelicfeline: erro, I'm an angel

Madonna: O RLY?

*angelicfeline does angely stuff*

Madonna: Oh would you look at that, an angel.

angelicfeline: Oh, you aren't scared? Amazed?

Madonna: Nope :)

angelicfeline: Hmph, anyway, Osca- I mean God likes you, and is happy with you, so he's going to send some sperm over to you and you are gonna have a cool baby that can do magic tricks, you need to call it Jesus.

Madonna: Ewww, like TMI

angelicfeline: Just do it, puriiiizu?

Madonna: mmkay

angelicfeline: Ok, cool, gotta erm well go and and save the universe, yeah let's go with that, cya.

angelicfeline left private messaging with Mary@irc.earth.net

Madonna: Oh god how am I gonna tell all this to my beloved fiancé, Joseph L. Jackson...

edit Chapter 4: Going to Bethlehem

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MarcoMaterazzi: I dont-a care-a if-a you-a are-a an angel-a, I still-a rathea have-a your-a sister-a.

HolyZidane: O RLY?

MarcoMaterazzi: YA-A RLY-A

*HolyZidane headbutts MarcoMaterazzi, it is super effective! -50HP*

MarcoMaterazzi left #nazareth@irc.earth.net (still-a your-a sista-a LOL-A!!!!)

HolyZidane: GRRR IM GONNA GET THAT BAS-

angelicfeline: ahem

HolyZidane: BA-BA-Blessings and put them on all of God's people.

angelicfeline: So the story goes on, and King Ballmer of the lands declares a census for everyone to be counted, so Joseph L Jackson must take Madonna, pregnant with Jesus to Bethlehem to be counted.

Madonna: Please I'm tired from carrying this baby, can we stop now? Bethehem can wait for a wittle bit?

JosephL: I AM TIRED OF THAT MOTHERUFKCING MESSIAH IN YOUR MOTHERFUCKING WOMB

Madonna: Well I can't really argue with God's will now can I?

JosephL: Actually I dare God to come down here, I DOUBLE DARE HIM MOTHERFUCKER, LITERALLY A MOTHER-FUCKER

Oscar joined #nazareth@irc.earth.net

Oscar: AND YOU WILL KNOW MY NAME IS THE LORD, WHEN I LAY MY KICK COMMAND UPON THEE

JosephL was kicked from #nazareth@irc.earth.net by Oscar (reason:motherfucka)
Oscar left #nazareth@irc.earth.net (I'm God lol)
JosephL joined #nazareth@irc.earth.net

JosephL: Hey that was my mothafucking line! Well I guess we have to go to Bethlehem huh, come on Madonna.

Madonna: mmkay, God... w00t

JosephL left #nazareth@irc.earth.net
Madonna left #nazareth@irc.earth.net

edit Chapter 5: To the census!

Madonna joined #the_inn@irc.earth.net
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JosephL: Hello, could me and my fiancé book a room for the night.

Sannse: I'm sorry, but we are full there's no serve- i mean rooms available, all taken.

JosephL: What? No motherfucking rooms? Why?!

Sannse: Well, it's always busy here at Christmas.

JosephL: Chris- what? Anyway, haven't you motherfuckers got anywhere at all to sleep?

Sannse: Well there is the tool shed out bac-

JosephL: Good, one shed for two please.

Sannse: Congratulationsfor the baby err-, your name?

Madonna: Madonna

Sannse: Oh yes, should have done /whois, congratulations to you too Mr Jackson

JosephL: Me? That's not my motherfucking baby.

Sannse: Oh, but isn't he your fiancé?

Madonna: Well yeah, but I didn't have this baby with no man.

Sannse: Now that is interesting, power to you! I'm one too.

Madonna: Sorry? Whatever do you mean?

JosephL: Well we will be going now, may you show us to the shed?

Sannse: Oh of course, anything for a fellow-

HolyZidane: So they went to the barn, where Madonna fell into labour.

Madonna: HOLY MOSES THIS HURTS!!!

JosephL: Come on dear, you're doing pretty mothafuckin good, whilst you are in intolerable labour and cursing loudly, what do you think we should name the baby?

Madonna: JESUS CHRIST!!!

JosephL: Oh come on man, stop swearing for once and tell me the name of the mothafuckin baby!

Madonna: THE NAME IS JESUS MOTHERFUCKIN CHRIST YOU IDIOT

JosephL: I like it, has a kinda nice ring to it, but I can't fit that on the birth certificate, I'll abbreviate mothafuckin to H.

angelicfeline: And then the baby was born, it was a magic baby and can do magic tricks.

HolyZidane: Pfft this is starting to sound like a stupid thing for children.

angelicfeline: But it is a stupid thing for children.

HolyZidane: Touché, so then I went and talked to the shepards just so some people can see the magic baby Jesus, aren't I just the best at marketing plans?

angelicfeline: What about that time when you tried to spread the "good" word to those Kangaroos? Didn't you need surger-

HolyZidane: SO I WENT TO THE SHEPARDS, MARKETING PLAN, MAGIC, WHATEVER

HolyZidane left #the_inn@irc.earth.net (THEY WERENT KANGAROOS, THEY WERE... WELL, KOALAS)

edit Chapter 6: Shepards (exclamation mark)

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Olipro left #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.net (nick collision from services)

HolyZidane: Hello? Anyone here?

Mhaille: Noone can actually be HERE, this is an IRC room. :P

Olipro joined #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.net

HolyZidane: Ok well I'm looking for some shepards, seen any around here?

Olipro left #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.net (nick collision from services)
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Mhaille: Well you can't actually see anything here, this is an-

HolyZidane: YES YES OK, erm, are there any users logged into this room, who also happen to have a profession of the sheparding kind?

Mhaille: There are many people here, lest we /whois the whole list of people logged onto this channel.

Olipro joined #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.net

HolyZidane: Can't they just hear what I am saying and say "I am a shepard?"

Olipro_ left #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.net (nick collision from services)

Mhaille: Hmph true say. Well, shepards, hmmmm.

Olipro_ joined #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.net

Codeine: Well I'm a shepard, kinda, well-

HolyZidane: Do you work with sheep?

Codeine: Yes, although its more of a pleas-

Olipro joined #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.net

HolyZidane: Good enough for me, I just need to show off some magic baby that's gonna save the world to people, you know how it is.

Codeine: Oh? Who's the parents?

HolyZidane: Just one. The mother, Madonna.

Olipro_ left #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.net (nick collision from services)

Codeine: One? What no guy di-

HolyZidane: Yep

Olipro joined #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.net

Mhaille: Bloody weird.

Codeine: Well it is a mad world, everyone just doing their thing, I enjoy MY thing, but yeah, then some bald angel comes and tells you to look at some magic baby.

Olipro_ joined #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.net

HolyZidane: So you set Codeine?

Olipro_ left #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.net (nick collision from services)

Codeine: Yeah I guess.

Olipro_ joined #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.net

HolyZidane: Good, I might need 1 or 2 more.

Olipro_ left #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.net (nick collision from services)

HolyZidane: WHAT IS IT WITH THIS OLIPRO FELLOW?????!!!!@£$%@£$^%$^oneoneoneoneeleventyeleventyeleven

Mhaille: Well he's a bugger, dodgy connection.

Olipro_ joined #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.net
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HolyZidane: HELP MY EYES ARE BURNING

Mhaille: How can your eyes burn purely from looking at this? THATS BAD SCIENCE LUD

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Codeine: Oh man. Were we go again.

Mhaille: Actually I have something to tell you Angel.

HolyZidane: What?

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Mhaille: You would be very interested in this, what I have to say.

HolyZidane: SPIT IT OUT BEFORE SUNRISE WILL YOU?????

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Mhaille: Well I can;t actually spit over a channel like that, it's physically impossible, the su-

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HolyZidane: SPIT IT OUT BEFORE I SEND YOU TO HELL, AND TRUST ME, I CAN DO THAT FROM BLOODY STUTTGART

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Mhaille: Ok, I am actually a shepard too.

HolyZidane: THANK YOU, now I only need one more.

Mhaille: Olipro is a shepard as well!

HolyZidane: It took you that long to think?

Mhaille: Well as you can see, he is a bit, well busy with some problems.

Olipro_ joined #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.net

Olipro_ Watch C4!!!!!!

HolyZidane: Ok you three you are coming with me.

Codeine Come? I most certainly do not want to do that? I only come with my sheep thank you very much.

Mhaille: Yeah, all 247.5 of them

Olipro_ You sure you counted right? I mean it closed on the DOW JONES at 400

HolyZidane left #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.net (nick collision from services)
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Codeine left #random_sheep_field@irc.earth.net (nick collision from services)

edit Chapter 7: Meanwhile angelicfeline placed a star in the sky to guide some wise men to come arrive at Jesus' place downtown in the crib manger... thing

angelicfeline: come on dammit, damn cheap Argos stars, only 40 watt, not even Oscar could see this. Ah there, finally.


AHitler: Achtung, look my fellow vise men! It ist a staren!

Norrismeister: Ya think I can roundhouse it from here?

T: I pity the foo' who don't follow dat star.

Norrismeister: Agreed Mr T

T: Hey hey, First name Mr, middle name 'period', last name T!

Norrismeister: You want your face to end up in a tree a few hundred miles from here? but your body is still standing here?

T: You know what I pity YOU fool!

AHitle:r guysen guysen, War iz nefer ze anzwer, you needs to be gut ja?

YeOldeFedExe Delivery person guy: Delivery for a Mr A. Hitler?

AHitler: Ja, das ist mich. Oooh, must be my application reply for ze art schule.

Norrismeister Well, Adolf, what's it say?

AHitler: NEIN, IT SAYS I AM TOO SOFT NEEEEIN

T: We gotta pity that school you know, y'all know that?

AHitler: Ja, the applicant officer iz a Jew! We get him first ja? TO ZE SCHUUUUULE

Norrismeister: Yeah, haven't done some good kickin for a good while, children would be some good small and fast targets.

angelicfeline: uh oooh, this is being baad

edit Chapter 8: The cute scene

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HolyZidane: Where's your dudes?

angelicfeline: They, erm got lost.

HolyZidane: Well I guess my 3 are enough, ok, you three, go tell the baby, and the parents, that God is happy for this magic baby, yaddah yaddah yaddah kapesh?.....

Olipro left #the_inn@irc.earth.net (nick collision from services)

HolyZidane: THERE WASN'T EVEN A BLOODY NICK TO COLLIDE WITH

Mhaille: Well I got it. Except for the part we tell, you cannot tell over IR-

HolyZidane: DAMMIT TYPE TO THEM THEN, HAPPY?

Mhaille: Yes quite happy now thank you.

Codeine: I guess I'm ready, so well let's go tell the magic baby. Wait, can't they see you?

angelicfeline: We got special, erm invisibilty suits

HolyZidane: Yeah, personally specific

angelicfeline: yep what he said


Olipro joined #toolshed@irc.earth.net
Codeine joined #toolshed@irc.earth.net
Mhaille joined #toolshed@irc.earth.net

Codeine: Greetings Madonna, and Mr?

JosephL: Joseph Motherfucking L Jackson

Codeine: Ok Mr... erm fuck mother, we bring a message from the Lord dude.

JosephL: Izzat true motherfucker?

Mhaille: Well yes, you see the Lo-

AHitler joined #toolshed@irc.earth.net
T joined #toolshed@irc.earth.net
Norrismeister roundhouse kicked in the door of #toolshed@irc.earth.net

Norrismeister: Sorry, has a little...

AHitler: Distraztion.

Madonna: What's with the red stuff?

AHitler: Ze distraztion waz err erm

T: At a pitied Ketchup factory! Yeah dat was da place.

Everyone: Ketchup?

Oscar joined #toolshed@irc.earth.net

Oscar: Some sauce im gonna make in a millennium or two, good with some chips, lovely jubbly.

Oscar left #toolshed@irc.earth.net (LOL my plan is working)

AHitler: Ve followed ze star, and are here as representatives of King Ballmer, iz zis ze magic baby?

Codeine: Yep, it did a card trick for me a few minutes back.

T: Well we bring to this baby, three gifts I give Pity, (but of course).

Norrismeister: I give a roundhouse kick in the ass.

AHitler: Und I bring ze total holocaust.

Mhaille: Erm, are you really sure that's, well fitting for a baby messiah.

AHitler: Vell yes I zee, quite harshen, very vell, I give Jesus zis... erm

T: How bout this old thing I got while we were at the school, I mean Ketchup factory

AHitler: Ah yes, this blackboard.

Mhaille: Blackboard?

AHitler: Yes, a messiah needs to plan hiz plan for ze world saving ja? And have this... ach ermm

Norrismeister: Look what I found under the shelf!

AHitler: And this chainsaw! For ze erm.....

JosephL: I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERFUCKING WISE MEN, IN THIS MOTHERFUKCING TOOLSHED

Mhaille: Well can we finish our message now?

JosephL: Hurry the fuck up motherfucker.

Mhaille: Well I don't actually fornicate with my moth- well Madonna, you made the magic baby, and God is happy, kk?

Madonna: mmkay

Mhaille: Thank God, lets get the fuck out of here.

AHitler: And we need to report all this back to our King Ballmer.

Everyone left #toolshed@irc.earth.net


edit Chapter 9: In the king's palace...

angelicfeline: So the three not-so-wise men came to the throne of King Steve Ballmer, the furious and anti-google King of Syria

Everyone: google?

Oscar joined #toolshed@irc.earth.net

Oscar: The real saviour of the earth, coming in the 1990s

Oscar left #toolshed@irc.earth.net (LOL God is the cool)

angelicfeline: for all the kiddies, please cover your ears open them to learn what adults really say at night:P

King Ballmer: I'll fucking kill™ that chair, I've done it before and I'll do it again

Dr. DiZ: Calm down king, that chair did nothing dawg. I mean you already vowed to like kill 786 things, and it's only breakfast!!

King Ballmer: DO I CARE? NO!! I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!!!

King Ballmer: ....™!!!!

T joined #MicrosoftHQ@irc.earth.net
AHitler joined #MicrosoftHQ@irc.earth.net
Norrismeister joined #MicrosoftHQ@irc.earth.net

King Ballmer: What do you three idiots fucking want!?

T: King foo' we got some news from Bethlehem, and you aint gonna like this, and looking at your pitiful mood today, chairs are gonna fly for sure.

'Norrismeister: It's Jesus, people claim he is a magic baby and is the king of the Jews, glory yadda yadda.

AHitler: Jews???? ACHTUNG!!

King Ballmer: New king huh? Thinks he's gonna take my fucking throne?

King Ballmer: Where's my fucking chairs? HUH?

Dr. DiZ: Well, you threw them all out the win-

King Ballmer throws Dr. DiZ out of the win

Dr. DiZ left #MicrosoftHQ@irc.earth.net(DOOOOOOOOOooow....*crash*

King Ballmer: I'm going to fucking kill™ him, I've done it before and I'll do it again, I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL™ JESUS MOTHERFUCKING CHRIST!!!!!!!neoneoneoneoneoneoneonoeneoneleventye;eeotirsen;o*&%*(&·°‡fl*&·fl›fi·°‡fi°‡fifl¶•§•ª&ËÒÌÌØÈÏÚØÓÈøπ

.... to be continued?

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