UnBooks:The Nearly-Chaste Mormon's Guide to Quitting Masturbation
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Greetings devout follower! If you're reading this book, congratulations. You have taken the first step towards being cured of your "little problem." The first thing the reader must understand is this: If you truly wish to quit, it must be a decision. You cannot say, "oh, wouldn't it be nice if I no longer needed to wank four or five times a day," or "boy, it sure would be lovely if I had to spend less money on tissues and door locks;" you must DECIDE to stop masturbating. Only when you truly decide to stop masturbating and be cured of your problem can you be cured of your problem, and stop masturbating.
Step 1: Don't think about it.
The first step towards being cured of alcoholism is admitting you have a problem, which is followed by talking with others about how to deal with it. Masturbation is the exact opposite. Do not talk about your problem with others. Do not pray about your problem. Do not even think about your problem. If you're a man, don't consider wrapping your warm hand around your stiff erection and pumping it up and down, up and down. If you're a woman, don't look down at your crotch and contemplate sliding a hand into your panties and rubbing yourself around and around. DO NOT THINK ABOUT EITHER OF THESE THINGS. DO NOT. If you do, you will lose your battle with Satan--for what is masturbation if not the Evil One himself?--and relapse into your state of sin.
Not thinking about masturbating means also not thinking about the things that turn you on. For example, pornography. Do not think about pornography. Do not watch pornography. Do not even think about watching pornography. Now, I know as well as the next guy how easy it is to let thoughts about cable repairmen and pizza delivery boys showing up right as Alyssa Martini and her roommate Amber are getting out of the shower into your head, but you must overcome these thoughts. Do not think about the nasty things Alyssa and Amber were doing to one another in the shower. Do not think about that cable repairman's inevitable ability to charm the girls into a threesome with him. Instead, think about something wholesome, like bunnies. Cute and cuddly li'l things, aren't they? You probably don't even remember Amber's giant tits anymore, do you? I didn't think so.
Step 2: Avoid your erogenous zones
Now that you're no longer thinking about masturbation, you need to take the next step. This next step, as it happens, is to avoid all contact with the "intimate" parts of your body: specifically, the parts you usually rub to get yourself off. Even when you're doing everyday tasks like taking a shower or emptying your bladder, you need to keep your hands off your privates. There are a few easy precautions you can take to avoid this.
For starters, wear a chastity belt all the time. No matter where you are or what you are doing, keep your junk locked up tighter than an Arab in GitMo. No matter what you are doing, stay strong--things like itches, chafing, and serious infections that doctors claim they need to treat are all ways Satan tries to trick you into taking off that belt. Second, when using the toilet, always wear rubber gloves. Not only are they hygienic, but they should also remind you of condoms, another abomination of God's will, which should help to keep your mind on the task of not thinking about masturbating. Third, when in the shower, don't wash anything below your bellybutton. You might start to smell, and people may be put off, but do not be daunted, for your stench is the stench of piety, and he who is put off is no servant of the lord. Now, you may also be tempted to touch yourself while completing other activities. For this, we offer a fourth suggestion: No matter where you are or what you are doing, always wear sandpaper gloves. This may sound like it has the potential to be extremely painful. This is because it has the potential to be extremely painful. Think of it like a dog's invisible fence, but for jerking off.
Step 3: Leave your friends behind
Making and spending time with friends is a great way to keep your mind off masturbation(see step 1). However, you may have friends with problems similar to yours, and it is these friends that you must avoid at all costs(see step 3). As long as you continue to associate yourself with these defilers of the Lord's will, you run a risk of being contaminated by their impurity. Much like the common cold, the AIDS virus, and homosexuality, the urge to masturbate is virulently contagious, and spreads rapidly between people within close proximity to one another. In fact, it's often safest to avoid human contact altogether. Even those who seem to live pure and wholesome lives may be agents of Lucifer putting on an elaborate facade in order to trick you into beating off. The best way to avoid these imps of the Deceiver is to sit at home and spend your time focusing on not thinking about masturbation. If you feel that you must continue to have friends, you are wrong. What have friends ever done for you, anyway? You can have a life after you've gotten over your wanking withdrawal.
Step 4: Tie yourself up
This step seems counterproductive. Why would you tie yourself up if you're not going to masturbate, right? However, in the most extreme cases, you may have to lash yourself to a bedpost at night to avoid sleep-wanking, a serious problem among people suffering from masturbation withdrawal. Indeed, some people may even be asked to be bound during the day, if they feel that they will be unable to control themselves. Keep in mind, though, that these are only for extreme cases. First, try wearing loose-fitting clothes with a tight belt. Sound paradoxical? It is! The idea is to minimize both friction and the ease with which you can get your hand into your pants, and it does wonders for people who can't quit masturbating or undo a belt buckle. If you do find that you need to be tied up, remember to give the key to your handcuffs someone you trust, such as a priest or relative, that will not be swayed by your attempts to get yourself free. Basically, it's like the Sirens in Homer's Odyssey, except instead of beautiful women with magical voices that lure sailors to their deaths, it's your genitals, which we would again like to remind the reader they MUST NOT THINK ABOUT.
Step 5: Did I mention don't think about it?
I did! In fact, I've mentioned it several times now. This is because not thinking about it is the absolute most important step. The single best thing you can do to keep yourself from pleasuring yourself is not think about pleasuring yourself. In this way, all of your problems can be solved by forgetfulness. If you're having trouble forgetting about wanking, try praying for strength. If this fails, understand that God hates you, and try to forget again, but this time try really really hard. If you still haven't forgotten masturbation, you may need to resort to hitting yourself over the head with various heavy blunt objects. If this is the case, remember that bricks are always an excellent starting point for blunt-object novices, but don't remember how much fun you could have masturbating.
Instead of thinking about masturbating, think about this: Satan Never Gives Up. Be calmly and confidently on hard--err, on guard--keep a positive mental attitude, and you can win this fight! The joy and strength you will feel when you do will give your whole life a radiant and spiritual glow of satisfaction and fulfillment, sort of like the kind of satisfaction and fulfillment you used to get from wanking. Which you aren't thinking about anymore, right? Right! Good luck, fellow servant of the Lord!