UnBooks:The Gruesome Book of Grues
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
The Gruesome Book of Grues
by Professor Dumbles
Note that this article contains some gruesome details concerning grues. Do not continue reading this article if you have a weak fallopian tube or corresponding anatomical part.
The physical characteristics of a grue are bigness, ugliness, scariness, craziness, and domoness. While most survivors of grue-attacks have described them as box-shaped and gap-toothed, this belief is under some dispute since no one can explain how the grues were seen by survivors in total darkness.
Much like humans, there are both male and female grues. And although they can reproduce much like humans do (disgusting), they can also spawn by implanting a young fetus grue into the stomach of a possessed human host. To alleviate any chance of another alien race discovering this technology and destroying the earth as punishment, the grues also implant hybrid cockroach DNA into the human hosts (cockroaches thrive, no matter what destructive weapons are detonated).
Also, Grues have an extremely strong and durable skin. This enabled them to be completely impervious to knives, guns, axes, The Pope, chuck Norris (yes we are screwed), pirates, Spongebob, George Bush, zombies, cheese puffs, and many other weapons of mass destruction - even hentai, a truly unique quality.
Warning... human encounters with grues typically result in death. However, other side effects may include burning, itching, oozing, weeping, constipation, elevation, possession, mummification, implantation, and cockroach extermination. Not intended for heart patients or those with nervous disorders.
Originally, the grue population survived entirely on old laundry-detergent containers. Yeah, for us, those products may seem disgusting. But to them, a cupful of Clorox was like a stream of honey, and the powder of Tide was like sugar from manna. Good times, huh?
The grue's favorite food, however, is now humans. Although they do still enjoy detergent from time to time, their race was hypnotized long ago in far-off land called Delaware by the fiendish Dr. Phil who not only wanted to punish the people for not purchasing his dieting books but also wanted to hurt people wiser than him real bad!
So if you are a human reading this article in a deep dark place (such as a cave, your mom's cooter, or a library, etc), there’s a good chance that there’s a grue nearby. GRUES LIKE THE DARK. If this is the case, you are in mortal danger. Do NOT follow your instinctive reaction to scream and run around in circles! Rather, continue reading this extremely good and well-thought-out article that was obviously written by a pure unmitigated genius.
All Grues Eat: Mudkips Pikachus Humans Boars Bears Eurgs Eurg-Itnas Cookies Chips and Puffles
Early Encounters with Humans
In the first days of man when all life was primitive, the grues often came out to the surface to feed on humans. If you had read the Diet section, you would know that by now. However, as the years went on, man would occasionally excrete a strange yellow fluid when an attack occurred; many now call this event “soiling oneself”, but the more formal and scientific term is pissing. Anyway, as time went on and humanity evolved closer to what he is today, this occurrence happened more and more frequently.
Eventually, this event happened at every single grue attack, and at the sight of a yellow human a grue would burst into fits of laughter, it just couldn’t help itself, and so every victim escaped. The human population increased exponentially, while the grues’ hunger only deepened.
Seeing that this epidemic had to be stopped, the very first Gruesome Council was held in a cavern deep beneath the Earth (some say it was at Uranus). There, they devised one of the most insidious devices ever known to man: pants. One day, they just came to the surface, said that humans looked very silly not wearing the latest fashion, and suggested that people should start using these pants.
And… you guessed it… our highly evolved race of humans accepted them without question. The grues were able to feast again on the humans. In fact, they eventually lost the need to visit the surface entirely. There is a huge breed of humans that have this urge to crawl into deep, dark, damp, dangerous caves and do something called “exploring”. Thus far, the entire grue race has managed to live off these so-called dorks (a.k.a. kitten huffers), with plenty to go around.
Another theory of early human encounters was that grues began as parasitic leach like creatures who preferred the humans with larger brains and attached itself in between the legs they eventually began to start sucking the brains and controlling them. They eventually fused with the humans giving some gifted humans the gift of penis. Another early species the relative of the present day grue hated how successful the parasitic species was and decided to eradicate them the only problem was they had no way of telling which humans had this gift so they decided just to get rid of all humans.
Recent Encounters with Humans
What do you think happened in the latest grue encounters? DEATH!!!
You obviously did not read the Diet section. You insult me, and I hope the grue under your desk eats you.
Professions of Grues
Although the stereotype among people is that grues are evil, vicious, mindless monsters, recent encounters have revealed another interesting side of their personalities: they are also jerks.
It’s not enough that they eat humans and then kill them. No… they got some really subtle devices up their sleeve.
You know how each time you go the grocery store, there always seems to be this feminine-looking hermit building an instant teleportation device? Well, that’s a grue.
Grues are masters of science, for not only are they able to eat boring hermits and genius scientists without damaging their bodies, but they’re also able to combine those bodies and control them simultaneously, and so create the ultimate disguise. Next, they implant a baby grue into the stomach of this hermit-scientist. And then when that baby is ready to be born, it bursts out in an asplosion of white fluid and pasta, all in front of a supermarket! Moreover, they’re able to excuse all the hermit-scientist’s strange actions under the plead of Alzheimer’s disease!
But thankfully, that is the only time you’re likely to encounter a grue on the surface. If you go down below the surface, you’ll see a few other interesting grue professions (besides hermit-alien-scientists, of course).
There’s the Teenage Mutant Ninja Hurdles group, masters of the ninja num-nuts (avoid). Professional Opticics Specialist Grues also exist; in fact, they’ve developed a new brand of night-vision goggles for their race (they don’t have the best eyesight, also avoid). And let’s not forget the Hippie Grues, who not only invented the veggie-burger, a true product of the Evil One, but are trying to bring about world piece (avoid at all costs!).
Breaking News: Grues have successfully cloned Harrison Ford. But instead of feeding on the clones, they have dispersed them throughout our human population. That way, when a hungry Wall Street cannibal walks by, eats the clone, he chokes on Lego Figures secretly implanted in the clone’s stomach; next, a Grue casually arrives at the scene offering assistance, and after performing the Hancock maneuver to remove the choking figure, eats the human.
So avoid feminine-looking hermits, caves, and Harrison Ford.
Grue Survival Guide
There are very few who have survived a grue attack, but here are some tips on how to live through one. Note that these suggestions remain unproven, and volunteers for testing are always welcome.
- Run in a Fashion You’ve Never Ran Before - If by some chance you encounter a grue, run away, get eaten anyway, reincarnate into the original body, and encounter the same grue (not necessarily in that order), then consider running away in a fashion that you’ve never used before and will forget to use next time.
- Fire a Light Beam Cannon at the Grue - Rumor has it that grues melt at the sight of light, but this is still under debate. Nevertheless, it’s worth a try, assuming you have a light bulb, rotting fruit, pointy medical tools, money to give me, and a big thermos to put this all in.
- Go Barracuda on a Salesman - If there is a salesman nearby, try to eat him. Although sales reports from the Japanese say that their salesman-sushi is not selling well, grues don’t read much, so he will probably join in your feast (they prefer feeding on lower life forms, they seem so much more tender).
- Get someone British - Their extreme sarcasm will destroy the Grue, however most likely it will destroy you as well. If you are British, you don't need to worry, the great god Sarcastius will save you!
An idea went around for a while that screaming and running around in circles will confuse a grue and make it leave. This proved to be true, for all nearby grues would leave, but with a horrible side effect. The combination of screams and circles creates a vacuum phenomenon known as athletisfungus, which is mostly unharmful to humans, but is a powerful attractant to Dr. Phil. He swoops down on the unsuspecting victim, places him in a chair, and forces him to melt on national television (please take the death by grue, much more humane!).
More Breaking News: According to unknown sources, the only known and proven defense method against grues is extreme sarcasm. This method is nearly as dangerous as a grue, and takes much practice and training, though statistics show that women (strangus to maleus) can master this art rather quickly.
The Grue society has grown to include a unique chain of command.
Directly above the ordinary population is the Grue King. Typically, kingship is acquired by grues with overactive hormonal glands, for they are twice the size of ordinary ones (more so in width than height). Each king rules from the Gruesome Palace, which is located directly underneath the Microsoft Corporation headquarters in Berlin. Because very few cave explorers exist in Berlin, the king often sends out his troops to take some prey alive from the surface world. They do this by traveling up the Great Radioactive Sludge River that runs from the Microsoft building to the grue underworld. It is rumored that the first Grue King was the only organism in any known universe to have drawn blood from Chuck Norris and lived. Ironically, he later died of internal bleeding after ingesting a pointy-boned elephant seal.
Even higher than the Grue King are the Supreme Commanders. Although they may lack the social and physical stature of the king, they are still a terrible force to be reckoned with. As stated earlier, the commander Dr. Phil has played a critical role in grue history, and he is tolerated above all others.
The original Supreme Commanders were:
- 1. Harry S. Grueman, the Grand Prez of the Grue Knighted States (later the Grue Empire).
- 2. Gandalf the Grue, a benevolent but cannibalistic sorcerer skilled in the domains of Green and Blue Magic.
- 3. Deep Grue, a totally tricked-out supercomputer and World Minesweeper Grandmaster from 1997-2005.
- 4. Mr. G, who needs no introduction.
However, their positions were gradually usurped by other individuals, by either defeating them in mortal combat, or by defeating them in Mortal Kombat. The current Supreme Commanders, as of 2005, are:
- Lord Voldemort - Largely responsible for global warming on Mercury, Voldemort was the first interstellar traveler to locate the Planet of the Grues. In fact, it was he that first brought them to earth (using his new Marvolo Washing Detergent as a lure) in order to destroy the Canadians. His vicious nature became known around the world after his duel with Gandalf the Grue, which was described by eyewitnesses as "unnecessarily showy... ...Gandalf's flashiest spell was 1,000 Needles, and yet that other guy just kept summoning Bahamut and Odin every other turn."
- Oprah Winfrey - Oprah is considered by many to be the most terrible of all super-villainesses. She’s very evil, does very evil things, has many evil servants, and dreams evil dreams. Proof of this is seen in her choice of profession: a daytime television host. Not only does she inflict a gruesome, repetitive, and mind-numbing broadcast into the eyes of millions of viewers, but she also tricked Hitler’s Jewish girlfriend into leaving him, thus triggering World War II. How she defeated Mr. G is a mystery. The current theory is that she waited until Mr. G was urinating off the Edge of the Universe (as a way of expressing his contempt of every alternate universe in which he doesn't appear) and then pushed him over the edge.
- Gill Bates - Yes, even the ballet dancer has close connections with the Grues. Not to be confused with Bill Gates, Bill Hates, or Bill Clinton, recent evidence suggests that this character secretly led the grues against Adolph Hitler Jr. (a.k.a. Darling) in The Gruesome War of Eleventy Twelve. He obtained Supreme Commander status by challenging Deep Grue to a Mortal Kombat match, and then switched off Deep Grue's power supply while it was distracted.
Rumors have spread that these four leaders each possess a fragment of the Golden Egg of Arkora. So far, nobody has satisfactorily confirmed them.
The Ur-Grue Rumor
It is rumored that in some deep abyss in the earth is a Grue-like beast far more powerful than both the Grue King and the Supreme Commanders, called the "Ur-Grue" - a near-invulnerable Grue infused with the soul of a mighty, long-forgotten sorcerer, capable of concealing itself in impenetrable magical darkness. All such rumors are completely and utterly false, and to give them even slight consideration is indicative of severe mental retardation. It is clear to even a child that such an impossibly evil thing cannot possibly exist, because then the universe would become an unthinkable eternity of suffering and despair. Henceforth, nothing more shall be mentioned of the Ur-Grue.
Although there is still much that we haven’t learned about the grue society, there is still much we have to learn about their society. Many have taken up the study of gruefeciology, stating that we just might be able to learn of their past, present and history, by studying their feces (including turds, droppings, and crap.) The controversial subject of Wumbo-ology has also had a profound impact on the scientific world.
While their race may always hold a special place in our hearts (and our hearts hold a special place in their race - namely the stomach), there is still much more research to be done before we can understand them fully. We ask that you contribute to these studies by sending me lots of money. Research positions are also available in the Survival department, the Wumbo guild, and Grue Interview quarters.
The National Geographic Expedition Concerning the Behaviour of Grues
Yes, on February 30th, 1985.5 AD, The National Geographic Team executed a mission to find out the truth about Grues. The team was lead by Georgie Peorgie, Harry Pooter, Sally Sunshine, and Robin Duzero. Using advanced Grue tracking devices they spotted a herd of Grues in the Zork territories. The scientists attempted to interact with the Grues in their natural environment. Unfortunately they were unsuccessful (in fact, they were never seen again). A Grue was even taken captive and studied in a lab environment. The scientists used state-of-the-art Styrofoam walls devoid of breathing holes and corners. Strangely, the Grues just pretended that they didn't exist. Any bumbling n00b scientist who entered the room was fated to be devoured.
More Facts on Grues
- Several Grues posed as Bigfoot, when Bigfoot went on vacation
- There are several Grue varieties. Normal Hairy Grues, Russian Grues, Ye Olde Grues, Mini-Grues, True Grues, Japanese Grues,
Ur-Grues, Night-Vision Grues, Giant Grues, Indonesian Grues, and Grues
- The Grues are led by the Grue King
- Prefer to eat you through their mouths
- Larvae are born parasitically
- Believed to be a cross breed between bigfoot, a living room rug, and the monster under your bed.
Gruefeciology (The Study of Grue Droppings)
Did you ever think of what really caused dust bunnies, those little clogs of dust that showed up in your house? Well, it is Grue droppings.
The largest grue droppings measured twenty five meters in length. They are believed to have been released by the Grue King himself. For more information read Gruefeciology - A Collectors Guide to Both the Hairy and Scary Grue Droppings. * $29.97
For more information read my other book: Grues, Cruel or Just Misunderstood? $25.96. Available at your local Zork Convention.