UnBooks:The Foreigner's Guide to the Glorious People's Republic of the United States
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|The United States of America (also called The Glorious People's Republic of the United States)|
United Statesian flag
United Statesian Coat of Fat Arms and Legs
|Motto||"All your oil are belong too us"|
|Official languages||English, Mexican, Southern Drawl, and Klingon (Star trek conventions).|
|Government||Representative Democracy ( It says so in the constitution. Ya know? The piece of paper that conservatives like to wipe their ass with?).|
|Capital||Kentucky (Fried Chicken Obviously).|
|Population Demographic||350 Million. Hispanic 90% (California 99%), Caucasian 9%, Jewish 1%. Fuck Knows where the Blacks have gone. Orientals in Hawaii. Eskimos in Alaska.|
|Religion||Anglican/Protestant, Paganism, Feminism, Mormons, Bushism, Scientology, liamism and Communism, Cullenism,stupidity|
|Opening hours||Monday–Saturday from dawn 'til midnight, Friday is ladies' night.|
|National anthem||"Keep the Home Fires Burning, put on Another Frenchman" or Gangsta's Paradise.|
|Natural Resources||Texas Tea, tree stumps, Jell-O™, prostitution, actors, fast food and pop culture ad nauseum.|
|Official Cuisine||Bacon fat, Freedom Fries, Hamburgers and COKE
|National bird||The B-3 Bomba.|
|Queen||Queen Elizabeth 62 (formerly Michelle Obama who high fived Laura Bush and Hillary Clinton for the title).|
|President||Barack Obama, Jr. AKA "the Monkey". The actual winners were Al Gore and John Kerry, thank goodness for voting...canadian style.|
|Prime Minister||Dr. Phil-Winfrey DDS, Ph.D. Known as "Stinky" to his friends.|
|Area||AMERICA. 5% of the world's population, 95% of the world's idiots.|
|Motto||"Thou shalt not fart on thy friend. unless they deserve it."|
|National Anime||G.I. Joe: Sigma 6. (except California, it's Ghost in the Shell, SAC).|
|Currency||ying-yang bobbers. (the dollar was voted out at a national chinese-american convention in which they liked this idea better)|
|National Sports||WAR (every year, it just keeps getting more and more exciting! Flag waving (and the BEST on THIS in the WORLD), shooting (fellow citizens), basketball, American football (complex macho-man chaos), McDonald's-ing and baseball (we suck at it).|
|National Products||Silicon, Oil, Patriot Act, Politicians, War, Walls around the border and Slavery (It's BACK!) and ham. lots and lots of ham.|
|Country code Top Level Domain||.com, .org, .net, .USA, .gov, .hamburger, .coke, .halliburton, .freedom, .mx (new purchase).|
|Exports||Deported Illegal immigrants, removing Native Americans, beating homosexuals, Silicon Black Hawks, War, Soul Food, Soul (musik), Souls (collected by reapers), Whoopass, World pollution, Terror, Fast food, whiners and bible-thumpers.|
|Imports||Illegal Immigrants, Oil(Lots), Marijuana (pot), Cocaine (the "new" Coke), Meth (the rural drug of choice), Heroin (poppy), Dept., Leaded Chinese Toys, Japanese Stuff, African American rap, Mexican American beer and Native American tobacco.|
|Fun Fact||The USA is a small country in comparison to the continents and oceans of the world. People only are aware of it due to the vast fleets of cargo ships carrying McDonalds Big Macs, Fries, and KFC chicken wraps it ships overseas.|
|Fun Fact # 2||Almost the entire population of USA whines about everything and disguises it under the title "fun fact".|
So, you've just left your war-torn Middle Eastern country, and are looking for a new place to live, eh? Ok, so let's see. In the world, there are plenty of countries to live in. Let's see... How about Afghanistan - no, wait, the United States destroyed that. How about Iran - wait, no, America's destroyed that country too. Actually, one thing you need to know about that world is that America's destroyed it for the most part. Too bad for you, eh? Well, if you decide to not be picky and to choose a country still, continue reading. If not, then GET OUT OF MY BLOODY ARTICLE NOW YOU IGNORANT MORON!!! *ahem* So, you're looking for a new country. Well, let's look at the options and facts you need to know about the world. Remember, this guide is completely unbiased to America (honest!).
edit The Options
You got the Middle East to the...uh...east, I guess. You got China to the east, along with numerous other cat and dog-consuming nations. You got Europe and the Glorious People's Republic of the United States Hemisphere to the west, and Africa to the south. A lot of options, eh? Well, if you don't like waking up to tanks every day, don't go to China. If you dislike disease, don't go to parts of northern Africa. If you dislike murderous American troops, don't stay in the Middle East. If you dislike good healthcare, a good economy, a rich historical heritage, and good moral values, don't go to parts of Europe. Do you like high taxes, unfair government, and terrible leaders? Of course you do! So, your only option is go to the United States!
edit The United States and You
Congratulations! You've moved to the United States! Wait, you're Iraqi, right? Well, expect to be imprisoned on sight by US guards at the airport, and expect to be jailed and interrogated over the course of a few weeks (expect an execution if your name includes Saddam, Hussein, Bin, or Laden). Why be tolerant with other races like many other nations? That would be un-American, and un-Americanism is illegal and evil.
So, you've just gotten out of jail, and you're ready to start your life in the land of the free, the home of the - wait a minute, what's this? Before you can become a citizen of this nation, you have to take a quiz. Isn't that great? Not only that, but it gets better; you'll have to answer questions many foreigners outside of Europe and Canada don't know! I'm sure you're thinking America's awesome right now. So, after a few weeks of studying and random beatings by mobs of KKK members, you're finally a citizen of the United States. Good for you! But you're not fully a citizen yet. Now, you have to pay taxes for poor healthcare, terrible presidents, and fat, lazy Americans who get welfare because they can't (and many who can don't want to) work. Life in America gets better every day! Why exercise like the rest of the world? All they do is keep from being unlike Americans, which is immoral and evil in every way!
By now, you've probably gotten a job at the local McDonald's, a restaurant which is worshipped in America. So, here you are after a few months; living in a slum in New York, surrounded by morbidly obese Americans, paying taxes for the greates People's Republic on Earth. Your life's awesome, isn't it? Why would anyone want to go somewhere like England or France to live, where you can get good healthcare and the government's actually good? All you do is pay taxes to keep those European Communists from dying in the streets. What's the point? USA's better! The idea of going anywhere else is stupid! (and you'd better think it's stupid, or you can be sure the American "thought police" will be tracking you down within 5 seconds)
So now that you're a citizen, you need to know how life in America works. First of all, if you're white, good for you. If you're black, the government will ship you and your rap music to some inner city to live. If you're Asian, good for you, because Asia controls America, so in a way, you control America. If you're Middle Eastern, however...uh...well, you're going to be hated (no offense). You see, after George Dubya invaded Iraq, it's considered immoral and evil to be an Iraqi, so you'll be public enemy #1 when you come to America. Thankfully, in between facing the propaganda used against you and your people and the constant beatings by the KKK, which is supported by the government, so you can't stop them, you'll find life in America fairly easy. All you have to do is get a job at the local McDonald's so you can get free food, and you're all set. "I want a better job though", you may say. Of course, America gives you the freedom to choose whatever job you want to have (except being a conspiracy theorist or a drug dealer, unless you deliver drugs to the American government for free) as long as you have the education. You can even become a CEO of a wealthy company, provided you are white. It's not that colored people have less opportunity, it's just they're contented to stay at home, eating fried chicken and watermelon, getting money from their welfare check, listening to their excuses for songs called "rap music", killing people because they're in rival gangs, and saying that "We ain't da onez at fault here, it da whities' fault main! De racist homie." Due to this trend, not many Americans trust colored people.
edit Stuff to do in the United States
Contrary to what most people think, daily life in America isn't completely about eating McDonald's food, paying taxes, and being obese. In fact, there are plenty of things to do in America!
1. Visit national monuments
Nothing like viewing America's accomplishments, eh? Well, there are plenty of places to visit. You can visit Mount Rushmore, a huge mountain that wasted hundreds of millions of dollars of taxpayers' money. You can see the Statue of Liberty, which the United States gives no credit to France for making.
Ever wanted to have a say in the election of a leader of your country? Of course not! However, some people in America think differently, so the government, thinking of the people, set up voting booths that you can cast votes in. Sounds bad, huh? Well, guess what? The votes don't count! The government is kind enough to change the votes so that the person they think the people want to be elected is elected! What a great government the United States has!
Looking for good moral values? Then there are two things you need to know about the morals of the United States.
1. There are only two moral values in the United States.
2. Those values are: Food and Money
McDonald's food is an important value in America, and Americans are expected (and required to) eat at McDonald's at least twice a day. If not, the government will most likely enforce the law of capital punishment on the said American(s).
edit Neighboring Countries
Though life in America is awesome, you may decide to be a traitor to your country by visiting another country. No problem, except don't expect to be treated too kindly by the government for your treasonous actions.
There are a few neighboring countries next to the Glorious People's Republic of the United States. Despite George Bush's very good plan of making a "New World Order" by bringing every country in the world together, establishing a universal religion, eliminating free thought and free speech, and eliminating other cultures besides the United States's culture, there are actually other countries that are proud to be their own independent country (what idiots). The countries are:
Mexico: Dubbed "The Land of Diarrhea-Inducing Food"
Canada: Dubbed "The Land of Bacon"
Asia: The Glorious People's Republic of the United States is actually a possession of Asia, much like a colony.
Thankfully, to make sure Americans stay patriotic, you can't go to any of those countries (if you do, capital punishment may be enacted). Isn't that great? To make sure Americans stay patriotic, you can't leave your country!
edit The Truth
Ok, I've been forced, at gunpoint by the US government, to tell you all this. Don't come to America! It's a bad idea! If you're in America now, leave as soon as possible! This nation is not a good place to live in and - oh, uh, I, uh, I was just telling them how great the nation is! I wasn't advising against coming to America - no, I promise you, I wasn - no, I am not lyi - *shotgun blast*
NOTE: NONE OF THAT WAS TRUE. THAT WAS AN UNPATRIOTIC AMERICAN TALKING. DO NOT TRUST THEM. WORSHIP AMERICA. SUPPORT CONGRESS. NEVER SAY ANYTHING BAD ABOUT AMERICA.