UnBooks:The Epic Saga
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
A concoction of strange adventures from a motley of cast members, The Epic Saga is simply amazing. The main portion of the story takes place in the URGI, although other places that were visited in the duration of the Epic Saga were Sweden, Illyria, and 1800s France.
edit Summary Plot and Overview
edit Adventure One: The Most Dangerous Game Ending
As with any saga, the Epic Saga Series has a beginning. Befittingly titled The Most Dangerous Game Ending, we find at the beginning two main characters, a Mr. Rainsford and a General Zaroff.
Rainsford has Zaroff at gunpoint; seeing that Zaroff had imprisoned Rainsford on his island just so he could hunt him down sounds a bit sinister. There is a tense argument, quickly followed by a quick instant of low defense on Rainsford’s part. Zaroff quickly exploits this and turns the tide. Suddenly, Rainsford finds himself running through Zaroff’s Palatial Château.
Suddenly, he hears a huge thud, and it happens to be a flying whale. Rainsford escape on the flying whale, and quickly learns the whale has escaped Iceland and needs him to stop a tyrant from taking over Iceland. Rainsford soon realizes this tyrant is none other than Hillary Clinton. They blitz to Iceland, and attack the Presidential Manor full force. Hillary fins the whale’s weak-point, their stomach. She realizes that if she shot at the whale’s stomach, then they explode violently. While escaping via parachute from a destroyed helicopter, Hillary shoots down a large number of flying whales from the pod that was positioned over Reykjavik, destroying over half of the capital. She flies to safety upon a whale organ in the ocean, and rides to the ruins of Reykjavik via seals.
Hillary takes another helicopter, and orders the pilot to fly her to Great Britain, in which she had planned to repeat her sinister coup. Little did she know that the pilot was General Zaroff, who had some revenge business to complete. Finally, in a showdown in northern Iceland, Rainsford and his whale-steed Hans encountered the helicopter harboring Hillary & Zaroff. Right at that moment, the Milky Way Galaxy & the Andromeda Galaxy collided, which made an inter-planar worm appear. After a long conflict, Rainsford killed Hillary and Zaroff by exploding Hans while they were in the whale’s mouth. That was the end of the first novel.
edit Adventure Two: The River, The Bass, And Sheila Mant Ending
In the second novel, curtly named The River, the Bass, & Sheila Mant Ending, it starts out with a boy and a girl which he likes, Sheila Mant, sitting on a canoe. Sheila complains, and the boy catches a bass on accident. It is then revealed that Sheila becomes bipolar around fish.
Then, all of a sudden, a whale comes from the sky and scoops up Sheila and the boy. The whale informs them that a new threat has risen: Sarah Palin has become a Green Party leader and now is ruling over Iceland. The evil part is that, in an attempt to save the polar bears from extinction, she is planning to annex the entire Arctic Circle by force.
So, the whale flies the 2 children to the new Presidential Manor. Reykjavik is still in ruins after Rainsford’s first adventure; in fact, the Presidential Manor is the only standing building left.
The kids go in and challenge Sarah Palin. Sarah accepts, and says that the challenge is to fish a huge bass from her personal collection. If Sarah loses, she must give up the Presidency; if the kids lose, then they become Sarah’s eternal servants. Using goat twine as the fishing line, they go to the Olympic-sized pool where Palin kept her bass. In a short yet tense challenge, the boy manages to fish one of the monstrous bass first. Distraught, Palin runs away and flies from the Manor via helicopter to a mansion in the Icelandic interior. The kids and the whale follow her, and creep into the mansion. When they finally reach Palin, they find a resurrected Hillary Clinton sitting in a chair, with Palin smiling. The kids realize that Palin and Hillary were both nefariously plotting against the world. But, before Hillary could dispose of them, the whale came in. The boy shot the whale in the stomach, and the following explosion killed off both Palin and Clinton.
edit Adventure Three: The Necklace Ending
The third novel, The Necklace Ending, starts off differently. It starts in 1800s France, where two woman are trying to get a beautiful necklace. They decide to visit a relative who is a jeweler. Meanwhile, 200 years later, the media begin to crowd around the mansion ruins. Bulldozers were said to be hauling away a huge whale carcass.
Sheila and the boy go back to Vermont, and Bill Clinton and Todd Palin are at the site. Then, Todd gives the ominous message: Bill Clinton must pay for both his wife’s funeral and Sarah’s as well. With that, Todd leaves by snowmobile.
Meanwhile, Rainsford is intrigued. He visits the two kids, who confirm they rode a flying whale and defeated Hillary Clinton. So, the three go off in search of answers. They decide to go to the Clinton Mansion in upstate New York.
While sneaking around, they find Bill and Todd fiddling around with what Bill calls a Time Remote. By doing a series of motions, the Remote takes the user to the time period of choice. There is where the three learn that Bill wants to go to France in the 1800s because it was full of jewels which he could sell to pay for the funeral. In an instant, the two zip out of existence, and go to the 1800s.
The three go down and find the prototype Time Remote. They go back in time, and find that Bill and Todd have the jeweler and the two women from the beginning at gunpoint. The three stop the thieves, but in the process, destroy both Time Remotes. This causes what Bill says special fluctuation, in which they go to random time eras until they return to their own.
After a confusing trip across the ages, they return to the Clinton basement, where they encounter a resurrected Hillary, Sarah, and Zaroff. Here, Bill Clinton used a grenade which incinerated the three villains and himself.
edit Final Adventure: Welcome To Illyria
And that is where book four, Welcome to Illyria, starts out. Finally, everything appears to be normal, until Rainsford picks the two kids up and they go to his château, where another flying whale named Bjorn flies them to Sweden, where they uncover the truth.
They find out that the past Hillary Clintons have been robots, and that the real Hillary Clinton was at a robotic Clintonite-creating factory in the mountains of Sweden. Bjorn, his passengers, and the rest of the whale pod scrambled to the secret factory.
Once there, Hillary deployed her Version 11.0 robotic Clintonites. A huge battle ensued, and Hillary made her escape to Illyria, which was the final phase in her entire collaboration to take over the world.
Bjorn and the three followed Hillary to Illyria, in which Bjorn was shot in the tail. They crashed near the capital of Illyria, and were met by Illyrian guards. One identified himself as Cesario. The group went to Illyria City, where they found a huge pyramid called the Ministry of Love. Inside, there was an epic final contention between the main characters and Hillary, in which Hillary dies by explosion via Bjorn.
Then, in an attempt to help, the rest of the whale pod came to the rescue. Unfortunately, the whales were shot down, and the massive explosions caused a black hole to form. Everyone was sucked into the vortex, and the boy woke up in Vermont once he gained consciousness. The last words he said were,
“Déjà vu. Go figure.”
And that is where the Epic Saga ends.
edit List of Characters
edit Mr. Rainsford
- Appeared in The Most Dangerous Game Ending, The Necklace Ending, and Welcome to Illyria.
In his first appearance in the first novel, The Most Dangerous Game Ending, Rainsford proved to be a tough and well-rounded main character. He gained experience after facing off against Hillary Clinton and General Zaroff the first time.
He made no cameo appearance in the second novel.
In the third novel, he plays the crucial role of contacting Sheila and the boy, which then instigates their investigation, which led them to the Clinton Mansion in which they stopped Bill and Todd’s nefarious plot.
In the fourth novel, he gains more of a pronounced personality, in which he ditched valor and courage and swapped it for the rich and fabulous life. In doing so, he became more vain and prideful, although he continued to assist the two kids in their adventure.
In the third and fourth novels, he became more of a secondary main character. He also harbored a love towards Countess Olivia in the fourth novel, attracted by her wealth.
edit Sheila Mant
- Appeared in The River, the Bass, and Sheila Mant Ending, The Necklace Ending, and Welcome to Illyria
Sheila Mant was not present for the events in the first novel.
However, starting in the second novel, and continuing then on, she and her friend (whose name is never mentioned) play primary roles as the main character, kicking Rainsford out of the spotlight.
At first, she is an impulsive and spunky girl whose attitude reflects the saying “my way or the highway”. Although she detested to being around the boy at first, she grew to enjoy his presence.
In the third novel, it is clear that she has become friends with the boy, even accompanying the boy when he fishes, although Rainsford notes that whenever the boy catches a fish, she looks away. Their friendship strengthened to the point that, when they were being sucked into the black hole, that she and the boy had something together. She later reincarnates into the same Vermont the boy wakes up in.
edit Unidentified Boy
- Appeared in The River, the Bass, and Sheila Mant Ending, The Necklace Ending, and Welcome to Illyria
The Boy, as he is referred to, is a strange enigmatic character. He, like Sheila Mant, do not appear in the first novel. However, he and Sheila play big roles in the second novel. Since he speaks in 1st Person, not 3rd Person, he reveals what he thinks, but not much on who he is or how he looks. He is a bit insecure in the second novel, but by the third and fourth, he has blossomed into a heroic figure that shadows over Rainsford. He is the one who gave the final shot at Bjorn that finally ended Hillary Clinton.
edit General Zaroff
- Appeared in The Most Dangerous Game Ending, The Necklace Ending
General Zaroff was the first main villain Rainsford encounters. At the very start, he imprisoned Rainsford on his island mansion. Later on, he ferries Hillary Clinton via helicopter to Rainsford and Han's location.
In The Necklace Ending, he makes a cameo appearance, because Hillary Clinton makes a cybernetic version of him and Sarah Palin. He is never seen again after this confrontation.
edit Hillary Rodham Clinton
- Appeared in every single story
Hillary Clinton is the worst villain you can have. She is tenacious, hostile, clever and persistent. It took four adventures for our group to finally dispatch of her.
She was a woman with a plan. As revealed in the Ministry of Love in the fourth novel, she had split up her plan into 4 Phases: Phase 1 was to use Iceland to find out her foes. Phase 2 was to retake Iceland by any means necessary. Phase 3 was to regroup, and Phase 4 was full-on invasion.
She was also perfect at creating models of herself and orchestrating them to do her will. But, in the end, she bit the dust, underestimating the power of a genetically altered whale she had made.
edit Sarah Louise Palin
- Appeared in The River, The Bass, and Sheila Mant and The Necklace Ending
Sarah Palin was, by far, one of the most fanatical villains. After her defeat in the Vice Presidential Election, she took refuge in the Green Party. She became a supporter of the environment, and went on to instigate herself as the second President of the URGI (United Republic of Greenlandic Icelanders). She rallied unprecedented support from the denizens of Reykjavik, and used this to fuel her plan of annexing the Arctic Circle by force to save the polar bears in the second novel.
After her defeat in the Presidential Manor against the boy, she fled to a strange mansion in interior Iceland, where she found Hillary Clinton. There, Hillary began to quote Lord of the Flies, with a crazed Palin to support her.
In her resurrection in The Necklace Ending, Sarah played a minor role along with General Zaroff. As a testament to her superior knowledge in cybernetic technology, Hillary created robotic versions of her past allies. Unfortunately, she had little time to use them, as they were quickly put out of service by the explosive martyrdom of Bill Clinton.
edit Bill Clinton and Todd Palin
- Appeared in The Necklace Ending
Sufficing as the new villains in the third novel, Bill and Todd devised a plan in which they could make money and pay for their wife’s funerals. They surmised that, if they went back in time, they could steal jewels and use them to pay for the expenses. Their plan almost worked, except that Rainsford and the kids succeeded in defeating them.
Once they had reached the end of what Bill called spatial fluctuation, they returned to the Clinton basement, where Hillary and her allies were waiting. Bill and Todd ran off, leaving the three alone. However, towards the end, Bill and Todd returned on snowmobiles. Todd took out a few foes, and then fled. Bill made the biggest sacrifice of all. He helped everyone else out, and then used a grenade to destroy Hillary and her cohorts.
edit Hans, the Whale
- Appeared in The Most Dangerous Game Ending, The River, The Bass, and Sheila Mant Ending
Hans the whale played an important role in the Epic Saga. He rescued Rainsford from Zaroff and his evil island, and helped out Rainsford and the kids in their separate quests to defeat Hillary and Sarah.
It is never revealed how Hans survived the first time, but due to his omnipotent wisdom and helpful advice, many speculate that it is simply another power bestowed upon him.
After the second novel, however, he fails to return. There is no whale in the third novel until the end, and the whale in the fourth novel is named Bjorn, not Hans.
Note that all whales have Scandinavian names. Along with Hans were two minor whale characters named Frieda and Blarbo, who play small roles
edit Bjorn, the Whale
- Appeared in Welcome to Illyria
Bjorn was the second major whale to appear in the Epic Saga Series. It was noted that he had a more rugged aura around him than Hans, and that Bjorn lacked the friendly nature Hans had.
Bjorn proved to be useful in the long run. He helped get the three inside Hillary’s factory, and helped ferry the group to Illyria. Once in Illyria, he was hurt in the tail. After showing signs of good health, the group moved on. Finally, in a final act of sheer bravery, Bjorn sacrifices his life to destroy Hillary Clinton once and for all.
edit Cesario/Viola, Count Orsino, Countess Olivia, and Sebastian
- Appeared in Welcome to Illyria
When Bjorn and the group crashed in Illyria, a man named Cesario came to investigate. He followed them to the Ministry of Love, and there they met Count Orsino and Countess Olivia. When they were brought before Hillary, and she revealed her consort to be Sebastian, he immediately jumped up and said “Viola? Is that you?”
Cesario, much to the dismay of Sheila and Olivia, turned out to be a girl named Viola.
edit Agent Kenneth
- Appeared in The River, The Bass, and Sheila Mant Ending
The person guard to Sarah Palin in her presidency in the URGI, Kenneth was Sarah’s human diary. Sarah told Kenneth everything that went on.
Later in the story, Kenneth leads Sheila and the boy to the Manor’s Olympic-sized swimming pool, in which the bass-catching competition began. He is never seen afterwards.
edit Secondary Characters
- Hillary's personal waiter
- Blarbo the whale
- Frieda the whale
- Icelandic Cave Spelunkers
- Palin Administration General
- Madame Loisel
- Madame Forestier
- Jacque, the Jewelry Man
- Juliet Capulet
- Romeo Montague
- Jem Finch
- Scout Finch
- People from 1984
- Small choir boy
- Hillary Clintonite robots, Versions 10.7, 10.8, 10.9, 11.0, & 11.1
- Illyrian guards
Shortly thereafter, The Epic Saga 2 was released. How amazingly shocking!!