UnBooks:The Elder Scrolls

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The novel The Elder Scrolls is also available in paperback.

The beginning of a epic trilogy of Liu and his ginger partner, Vodunius, as they travel Tamriel on pointless quests, fighting Fargoth, Count Fagula, and Dagoth Ur, in an attempt to save the Jews and restore peace to the Empire!

The sequal will be posted under the name UnBooks: The Elder Scrolls II, coming soon to wiki near you.

To the Admin, I'm done.

edit Chapter One: The Beginning

Liu hauled his groceries up the stairs into his crappy 4th Story Beijing apartment and dropped down onto the couch and began to sleep. He dreamed of a boat, and a strange blue man in pants too tight even for Mick Jagger. He was suddenly awoken when Chris Farley and the Chinese Secret Police bust down his door and flooded into the room. Liu backed into a corner and said “I swear to God, I had no idea! She said she was 18! SHE SAID SHE WAS 18!” His protests were cut off only when Chris Farley swung up his nightstick so hard up to Liu’s balls that he passed out.

The Secret Police pulled Liu out into the hall, and Chris Farley began to search the home for evidence. Digging through Liu’s papers, Chris Farley found some documents that led him to a startling discovery. Liu was a Sexassin. Chris Farley went into the hall and began to interrogate Liu using his sick methods. Finally, Liu admitted to his crimes and Chris Farley said “You’re going away for a LONG time, you sick freak!” and Farley curb stomped Liu cold. Then, he dragged Liu to the jail and tossed his ass into a cell with Bubba, who was another inmate in the prison.

Liu’s time in prison was a bad one, between beatings by the guards and his daily lessons in sodomy by Bubba. Those were the worst. For two weeks Liu endured the punishments, until he was finally dragged off to face trial in the local courthouse. He was placed in front of a Judge, who said “Liu, you stand accused of being a Sexassin, one who is capable of having sex with someone without them knowing, which is essentially rape. Also, it has been brought to our attention that you are also a fervent follower of the pagan belief of Jizzlam. What do you have to say for yourself?”

And with the Judge’s words, the entire jury turned to Liu, who had his hand in his pants. “Don’t judge me!” Liu shouted, and the Judge brought down his mallet and said “I sentence this sick motherfucker to life imprisonment in the penal colony of Morrowind!” Police ran in and arrested Liu and pulled his ass down the streets and to the docks, where the ship ‘The Black Pearl’, owned by Captain Jack Swallows, was docked. The guards threw him onto the boat, and Liu laughed at Jack Swallows because his name was really gay, and Jack got pissed and dropkicked Liu into submission.

250px-MW Jiub

Jiub, Liu dealer and life partner.

Liu was thrown into a cell with his drug dealer and life partner, Jiub. As the ship set to sail, Liu attempted to doze away into sleep. When he finally did, a strange and prophetic dream of epic proportions came to him. He dreamed he was having crazed monkey sex with Jessica Alba while drawing animal shapes in the mud, when suddenly he was standing in a large room. A woman walked up to him and said “Greetings, Liu. My name is Allota Fagina, and I am charging you with the responsibility of saving all of Tamriel.” Liu nodded and said “I’ll bet you do!” and Allota bitch slapped him, saying “Can’t you keep your head out of your pants for just one minute?

“I know I have a funny name! Just save the fucking world! Save the Jews! Defeat Dagoth Ur, and restore peace to the world!” she said, and she faded away. Then, Liu was pulled out of his dream as Jiub slapped him. “What the fuck, Jiub?” Liu said angrily, and Jiub said “Dude, you were jacking it. Like, a lot. I was afraid you might hurt yourself.” Liu nodded, saying “Well, okay then. Just don’t do it again, alright?” And as he pulled his hand out of his pants, the ship shook as it pulled into port. No dream was worth getting dick burn. Not again. “Not again” Liu said solemnly.

Then, a guard in funny looking armor came into the cell and dragged him away. As Liu was being dragged down the hall, Jiub shouted “Liu! They are taking me to Mournhold! Drop by sometime!” Liu was pushed up onto the deck and ushered across a dock and into a Census Office, where a little old man with a peculiar face and annoying voice said “Ah, yes! You are the new arrival! What is your class?” Liu pondered and said “Umm… Knight?” The man laughed and said “Knight? That is SO lol! You aren’t fooling anyone, you little rapscallion! Oh my… ‘Outlander’ it is, then.” “Damn it!” Liu exclaimed, and angrily grabbed his release forms off the table.

From there, Liu walked into another office, where he saw a knife and a bunch of Jellybeans. “Score!” Liu said when he saw the jellybeans. Thus, he jacked the jellybeans. Popping them into his mouth, he walked into the courtyard, where he had a hallucination of Yoda with two bitches. “Hey, motherfucker! Get that motherfucking ring outta that motherfucking barrel, before I go Episode II on your yellow ass!” Yoda said, before he disappeared. “This stuff is better than acid!” Liu yelled, and began to pop even more jellybeans than before.

Liu retrieved the ring as Yoda had commanded, and saw that it had “Faggot” engraved on the side. He chuckled to himself, and went on his merry way. Then, he was in the office of Sellus Gravius. “Hey, you shtoopid chink… take yur ordesh and go fuck a duck, before I ash fuck yur mother…” Sellus said in a drunken stupor, for he was a miserable failure who had to pay child support on his three illegitimate children or else his mistress would tell his wife and he would be disgraced. Liu took his orders, and slowly backed away, and opened the door into the town of Seyda Neen.

Seyda Neen was, at first glance, a shitty little turd pike of a village. A second glance revealed it was worse. Liu wandered about for an hour, thinking about the best mode of suicide, when he felt a tug on his shirt, and a hideous smell. Retching, Liu turned to see a tiny Albino. “Have you seen my ring?” asked the Albino. “Yeah, sure… Here you go, Faggot” Liu said, and tossed him the ring. “MY NAME IS FARGOTH! NOT FAGGOT! FARGOTH!” Fargoth shrieked, and Liu, amused by the display, kicked Fargoth square in the balls, sending him flying 10 feet into a swamp.

250px-MW Fargoth

Liu meets his mortal enemy, Fargoth. It's just a commonly accepted fact that Fargoth sucks. Hard. And swallows when finished.

“Hehehe…” Liu laughed, and he continued walking around until he came to a Ginger, who said “Hail, Chink! My name is Vodunius Nuccious!” Liu shook the man’s hand, and they became fast friends. After talking for a few hours, they decided to look over the orders Liu was given by Sellus Gravius. The orders stated that he was to travel to Balmora and report to Caius Cossades. Vodunius decided to travel to Balmora with Liu, and he ran off to gather up some supplies for the journey. Liu decided to wait, and walked over to the poor side of the shit pike village.

Vodunius Nuccius

Liu meets the magical Ginger, Vodunius.

While there, he saw Fargoth leaving the Free Clinic with his Herpes medicine. Fargoth bumped into this really hot elf chick, and the medicine went sprawling. “Hey, watch where you’re going, you clumsy cunt!” Fargoth growled. When Liu saw the Elf on the verge of tears, he went He-Asian on Fargoth’s ass by throwing him into the bay. Then, the Elf said “By hurting Fargoth, you have shown to have a strong personality. I like to have sex with people with strong personalities” and she led Liu back to her hut where he received some serious Elf booty for 9 hours straight.

When Liu departed the Elf’s hut, he saw Vodunius camped outside. “How did you know I was here?” Liu asked in awe. Vodunius snorted and said “I heard. Shit, the whole TOWN heard”, and to reinforce what Vodunius just said, a greasy Breton teenager said “Yeah! You go, freaky Asian bro!” Then, Liu and Vodunius set on down the road to Balmora, stopping only to harvest shrooms, which to Liu’s surprise, were legal in Morrowind. Suddenly, as they were walking, a little albino Elf fell out of the sky. “What the goddamn Jesus fucking Elephant vasectomy just happened?” Liu said, and he and Vodunius both looked up and around for a while, and then did what was customary in Morrowind- looting the body and then stowing it in the underbrush.

Then, as night drew near, they decided to stop and make camp for the night. Liu left Vodunius in charge of making the fire as he went to go and take a piss. He found a suitable spot and began to urinate. After a few seconds, however, he heard a mad blowing over the crash of piss. He zipped up his pants and sprinted back to the camp. When Liu got there, he saw Vodunius down on his knees, purple in the face, blowing on the fire. “NOOO!” Liu yelled, and he-man bitch slapped Vodunius so hard he flew backwards. “What the hell, dude?” Vodunius said, rubbing his jaw.

“I couldn’t let you keep blowing like that. I’ve lost too many friends that way…” Liu said. “Really?” Vodunius asked, intrigued. “Well, actually it was only once, and it wasn’t a person, it was my pet gerbil, and it killed itself by eating woodchips. But, essentially the basics are the same.” Liu said, and he and Vodunius sat down by the campfire and began to talk about all the women they had ever fucked. “Dude, I totally fucked Eldafire before we set out!” Vodunius said, and Liu began to retch. “Dude! She’s like 90, and she’s fuck ugly, like Seal!” Liu protested.

SealW Jiub

Eldafire. The years have not been kind.

“I was drunk!” Vodunius yelled, and Liu responded “No amount of alcohol can make her fuckable, the same way no amount of lube can make butt sex any less painful!” They both sat silent for a while, and then Vodunius said “You would know…” After that, Vodunius went off to gather more wood for the fire, and Liu pulled out his bong that he fashioned out of a paper cup when he was in the 8th Grade. After smoking some heavy shit, Liu heard a mad giggling coming from deep in the woods. Liu wandered towards the noise, and saw Vodunius munching on a 25 inch, 51 lb. shrooms.

“Bro! Let me hit DAT shit!” Liu said, and he plopped down beside Vodunius and they got baked. Suddenly, Vodunius began to tell Liu about his life. “When I was young, I found out that my father was having an affair with his hot secretary. He wanted me to help him kill mother so he could marry his mistress, or else he would hire Fenrir the Homosexual Werewolf to come and ‘do things’ to me. I refused to kill mother” he said. Then Liu began to laugh at the thought of Vodunius getting ass punked by a werewolf, and Vodunius punched Liu in the nose, but he was too baked to realize it was broken.

Then suddenly Vodunius felt a branch scratch his back and he, thinking it was Count Fagula, Fenrirs gay lover back to get him, shrieked and curled up to Liu. Liu was not nearly high enough not to realize that it was an awkward situation, so he pushed Vodunius away, and Vodunius passed out. “Pussy…” Liu said, and dragged him back to the campsite. Then, Liu curled up next to the fire and did what he always did- drink himself to sleep like the pathetic loser he was.

Liu awoke the next morning when Vodunius threw skooma on his face. Liu licked the skooma off his face, and Vodunius said “Liu. Count Fagula is after me. No one is safe around me. I have to go to Solsthiem to finish this once and for all.” They gathered up their stuff and traveled back to Seyda Neen. When they got there, Vodunius gave his friend a hug and said “Go to the trade house here. Tell them I sent you.” And he got on the boat and sailed heroically into the sunset. Then, Liu went up to the trade house where a large yellow man rudely asked “What the fuck do you want, china-man?” Liu then said, “Oh, nothing. Vodunius just asked me to drop by.”

At the mention of Vodunius, everyone there looked around and gasped. “He’s a serial killer!” the yellow man said. Even Chuck Norris trembled. Liu left the trade house in confusion, and traveled to Balmora, freeing slaves along the way, because the slaves were Jews, and Liu needed money, and Jews ALWAYS have money, so when Liu arrived at Balmora, Council seat of House B.A.M.F, he was loaded. Liu walked around for a few minutes looking for Caius’ house, but missed it because it was covered in empty skooma bottles and dead hookers. Liu went in, and saw Mr. Cossades, a creepy old man with an extreme addiction to skooma and moonsugar.

Liu gave him his orders, and Mr. Cossades gave Liu a letter, pausing from snorting moonsugar only to say “You’re now in the Blades. If you don’t like it, suck it” and he began to look at Liu in a strange way. Liu, aware he was being visually raped, slowly backed out of the house and opened the letter. He saw it was from Vodunius, so he was happy. But then he saw the contents, which made him sad. The letter said:

Cquote1 Liu! There is some really freaky shit going down up here! You need to get here, now! I’ll meet you at the docks when you arrive, just hurry! -- Love Vodunius Cquote2

Liu discarded the letter and ran cross country to the docks at the city of Khull. From there, Liu boarded yet another little boat owned by a sketchy boot salesman, and he stared to the North, fearful of what he what see when he arrived.

edit Chapter Two: Bloodmoon

The boat slowly pulled into dock, and Liu leaped off the boat and onto the dock and waited until he saw Vodunius. Vodunius approached him, and pulled him to the corner of the dock. “What’s this freaky shit you mentioned?” Liu asked. Vodunius looked gravely at him and said “Liu, if you did as I asked, then you know of the charges against me. Don’t believe them; they are lies concocted by Count Fagula.” “Whatever you say, dude” Liu said, and Vodunius bitch slapped him. “I’m serious!” he said. “I’ve tracked them here, to Solsthiem”, he added quickly.

Freshly reunited, the two friends trekked up the hill to the Honkie Garrison of Fort Frostmoth. Twas’ a shitty little Fort, like just about every place in Morrowind. When they got there, though, they were entrusted to break up a smuggling ring, because all the soldiers there were miserable drunkards who were pissy because their alcohol had been cut off. So, Liu and Vodunius asked around, and they discovered that the smuggler base was to the north. They traveled north until they came to a small bay, and then they inspected it closer until they saw a door emblazoned with the sacred seal of the Jizzlamic faith. Liu dropped to his knees in awe and began to pray.

Vodunius turned away, and said “Awe, what the fuck, dude! Keep it in your pants!” because little did he know, masturbation was the way of Jizzlamic prayer. “I have to, Vodunius! It’s the only way!” Liu shouted. It wasn’t the only way; however Liu wanted an excuse to jack it. Vodunius believed him, and Liu prayed until finally he blew on the door. The door slid open, and two guards rushed out and attacked them. Liu hiked up his pants, and he and Vodunius dispatched them with their swords. “That’s what I thought, motherfuckers!” Liu said while desecrating the corpses.

They cleaned their swords, and slowly entered the cave. The journey through the cave was long and perilous, much like a black man’s penis cover in lightsabers and razorblades. They freed all the smugglers Jewish slaves, and then they came across the room of stolen weapons. “Dude, look at this shit on the wall. It’s really fucked up…” Liu said, looking at the wall. Vodunius went over to look, and he saw that it was some prophetic shit, depicting werewolves having sex with mermaids. “My God…” Vodunius said, and suddenly they heard “Welcome to my little cave…”

ImagesCAMQF554

Fenrir the Homosexual Werewolf in all his gay Glory

Liu and Vodunius turned around, and to their horror they saw Nicholas Cage. “Now that you know the prophecy, you cannot live. I will be your doom!” he shouted, and attacked them. However, Nicholas Cage is a pussy, so Liu and Vodunius easily bested him and stole his royalties from his last movie. Freaked out because they were baked and because of the prophecy, they ran back to the Fort. They were crossing the hill to the Fort when they saw smoke. “Let’s go help them!” Liu said. They started towards the Fort, but when they heard a shout saying, “Werewolves!”

“Well, we tried…” Liu said, and began to walk away. Vodunius grabbed him by the shoulders, saying “What the fuck, dude? We have to go and help them! Think about all the ass we would get if we saved all those women from werewolves?!” Liu pondered, and said “Hurry! We have to help those bitches so we can receive gracious sex!” and he sprinted towards the Fort. When they got there, they saw a hole in the wall, and people walking aimlessly. “They have General Darius…” one man stammered, and Liu pushed him away, saying “Who the fuck is Darius? And why would I risk my life to save some motherfucker who got himself captured in a raid?”

Then a woman asked the same question, and Liu said “I will do everything in my power to save him. We’ve known each other for years” and he faked a tear to seem emotional, so the woman gave him a blowjob. Then, as Vodunius was gathering supplies, Liu was offered a job in the East Empire Trading Company. He was put in charge of Raven Rock, and he and Vodunius went down to the docks to see his hired hands. “This is SO the shit!” Liu said, and they all sailed to Raven Rock. When they got there, Liu looked around and said, “Damn it. You have GOT to be shitting me.”

Because, when he got there, it was empty, and Liu found out that he would have to fund it from his own pocket. He and Vodunius spent the next month building the colony from the ground up, basing it all around a booming prostitution industry. Then, they remembered that they had a quest to complete, so they traveled north to the Nord settlement of Skaal. When they got there, they were captured and taken to the chief, Bradley Ginga. “What do you want?” Bradley demanded. “To save Darius on our quest to get ass…” Liu said. At this, Bradley sat up in excitement.

“Then you are Liu, yes?” Bradley asked. “No shit, Sherlock” Liu said, and Bradley had them released. He then told them all about the werewolves, and suddenly, a werewolf jumped through the door. Liu and Vodunius shrieked and jumped out the window, an action I’m sure we all would do. They heard Bradley scream, and they looked through the window to see everyone dead; but Bradley was gone. They climbed back through the window, and Liu said “What the fuck just happened?”

At his words, a Ginger woman came in, and Liu heroically said “We fought the werewolves, but we were not quick enough”, and the woman, who was impressed by his ‘feats’ took him back to her hut a had sex with him for 5 ½ days straight until he promised to travel to save Bradley. When he finally left the house, the Shaman, Carl, was waiting. “If you wish to save us, go on the journey of Aaron Aardvark.” Liu yawned, and said, “Whatever, dude. Do you have any ointment? I think that chick might have given me something down south, if you catch my drift…”

Carl shook his head and thrust a map at Liu. Vodunius ran up to him and gave him a high five, saying “Score!” Then, Liu and Vodunius set out on the journey. They traveled around doing many quests, such as following a seal, hunting for a bear and devouring its flesh, and planting trees for the local hippies leader, Sunflower Rainbow. “Thanks, man! Take this hash, man; it will lead you straight to your friends!” Sunflower said, and lit up a blunt and flew away into the sunset. “We see some really freaky shit, you know...” Vodunius said, and Liu nodded in rueful silence.

Hippies!

Sunflower Rainbow and his Hippie Minions of Doom!

They then sat and did the drugs they were given, and they were transported into a dark room. They felt around, and then Liu lit up a torch that he conveniently had in his pocket. They looked around, and Liu said “Well, we’re boned. I’ll be crying to myself in the fetal position over in the corner if you need me.” Vodunius looked around, and he found a secret passage. “My God! It’s fucking amazing!” Liu got up to see what was going down, and when he saw the passage. “Yes! Let’s go down into the creepy corridor!” Vodunius caught the sarcasm and pushed him down the hall.

When they got to the end, they saw a cell where Darius and Bradley were chained up. “I found them!” Liu said, and Vodunius shook his head, because Liu was just a wee bit retarded in his eyes. Liu and Vodunius took off the chains, and Darius said “Thank you, mystical chink. Now we must find a way out” Bradley nodded, and the group went over to the door. Vodunius peered around the edge, and looked at everyone. “What would you do if I told you there were three werewolves out there?” he said. Liu pondered, and said, “Oh, I’d cry a little and curl into a ball. You?”

Vodunius nodded, and then darted around the corner. Liu followed but when he saw the werewolves, he curled up and cried. Then, it came to him. “I’m a man! I can’t be a pussy! I have to fight and be brave!” he yelled, and he stood, and he uttered a manly laugh. The werewolf, thinking that Liu was laughing at his haircut, punched him in the nose, because his barber screwed up and his hair was crooked, so he was incredibly self conscience about how people perceived his hair.

Then, Liu slew him, and he looked around. Vodunius was alright, and Darius was pulling a ring off of Bradley’s finger, for he had died. “That’s low…” Liu said, and Darius laughed. “You fool! This is no ordinary ring! This is the ring of the Werewolves! Mwahhaha!” he giggled madly, and Liu dropkicked him until he died. Liu pocketed the ring in case he needed it later in their adventure, and he and Vodunius continued through the maze until they came to a big door. Then, they went through it in a very cliché way. When they got through, they gasped in shock and awe.

They were in a large room with a man. The man said “You! I had not known it would be you! He never said it would be you… regardless, you must die!” and he attacked them. After a long and epic fight sequence, Liu and Vodunius prevailed. They looted the corpse, and they found another ring, and they were magically warped into the frozen tundra. They came across a little shack, so they busted in. They saw an albino midget passed out on a mountain of moonsugar, but when they realized it was Fargoth, the kicked his ass and stole his drugs. Then, they began the trek back across the island until they came to the Fort. It was not dilapidated anymore, they noticed.

When they got to the Fort, they broke the bad news to the soldiers, who promptly kicked them out in disgrace. Liu and Vodunius walked down to the docks, and as they were boarding the boat back to Khull, a bat flew down, saying “Bleh, bleh! I am Count Fagula! Catch me if you can!” and flew off. Vodunius screamed and feinted, and Liu shook his head and paid the sketchy boot salesman to take them back across the ocean and away from the frozen hell hole that was Solsthiem. He sighed, for it was just the beginning.

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