UnBooks:The Driving Dutchman
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The Saga of the Driving Dutchman is a legend of a cursed camper and his spooky mobile-home. A curse condemned him to aimlessly cruise along European highways in his rusty vehicle, never to arrive anywhere until Judgment Day.
edit Legend's Origin
It was about the year 1962 when the driver of a Dutch mobile home - who, even for a Dutchman, had a neck-breaking driving style and an exquisite vocabulary of swear words - tried to pass the scene of an accident on the German autobahn A2 near Rheda-Wiedenbrück, even though the road had temporarily been cordoned off. He narrated what happened himself, according to the following traditional record:
"I am not dead, nor am I yet alive. I hover between this world and the world of Spirits. Mark me.
For seven hours did I try to force a passage through this accursed traffic jam, but without success; and I swore terribly. For seven more hours did I change lanes, sound my horn, flash my head lights, and shout the living soul out of my body, and yet could gain no ground; and then I blasphemed, - ay, terribly blasphemed. Yet still I persevered. The family, worn out with arduous fatigue, would have had me leave the highway at some service area or exit; but I refused; nay, more, I became a tyrant, - unintentionally, it is true, but still a tyrant. My wife opposed me, and persuaded the children to pee in the car if they absolutely had to. In the excess of my fury, I threw the doors open and kicked the children out onto the road. Even their wailing and crying did not restrain me; and I swore by the fragment of the Holy Cross, preserved in that relic now hanging round your neck, that I would gain my point in defiance of traffic jam and road closure, of fog and ice, of heaven and hell, even if I should beat about until the Day of Judgment. My oath was registered in thunder, and in streams of sulfurous fire. The car jumped forward as if it were chased by furies and slid through other cars like the unearthly shadow that it now was, and in the centre of a deep o'erhanging cloud, which shrouded all in utter darkness, were written in letters of livid flame, these words - UNTIL THE DAY OF JUDGMENT."
edit Legends and Stories about the Driving Dutchman
edit The Vehicle
The legendary ghost car is said to have incredible abilities. In case of a traffic jam it is said to be able to run at 120 kph on the emergency lane. It is also believed it can turn invisible whenever a radar control is near. Some narratives say that it also suddenly appears somewhere driving in the wrong direction.
When the Driving Dutchman appears next to another vehicle this is a terribly ominous sign. It augurs an accident in the near future or at least a hefty fine for speeding.
Drivers who reported meeting the ghost car said that the camper was either empty or manned with dead people or ghosts. Some mentioned they heard desperate calls for lekker Boderbrodjes! from the empty cabin.
Many stories also mention a ragged figure on a bicycle passing cars in service areas and trying to sell smuggled cigarettes and cannabis products. An unsuspecting buyer will inevitably fall victim to a customs inspection a short time later, unless he immediately nails the contraband to the glove compartment.
edit The Missing Operator
Service area personnel tell stories of haggardly, trembling figures stumbling out of the camper in the middle of the night and using the toilets without charge. Afterwards, the sanitary equipment is in terrible shape - toilet paper is missing, as well as saltshakers, glasses and newspapers. Then the vehicle disappears again into the foggy night.
One restaurant operator who stood up to the car and demanded payment was never heard of again.
edit The Bewitched Automobile
An unsuspecting traveller approached a rusty camping trailer on the Grebser Heide parking lot. He knocked and politely asked if this was the Temnitz exit. A scruffy man with a strong Dutch accent opened and invited him for a lekker Genever. When the tourist left the camper a short time later, he found himself on the Gütersloh service area some 350 km away. Distressed, he turned around, but the camper was nowhere to be seen.
edit In the Traffic Jam
In the middle of a traffic jam between the Kamener Kreuz and the Bohnen exit suddenly a decrepit mobile-home pushed through the column, sounding its horn. Through the open window someone shouted "Over board mit de Blagens!" and the whimpering sound of a female voice could be heard.
edit The Sportive Driver
A driver of a sports car once tried to overtake a shabby car with a camping trailer. But regardless of how much he accelerated, the vehicle stayed right at his side, while a mocking voice could be heard jeering "Lame car, lame car!" all the time through the window.
The affair ended with a ticket for 200% speeding beside a construction site. No one else had seen the camper.
edit The Cheap Vegetables
A restaurant operator on a service area was offered incredibly cheap vegetables at two o'clock on a midwinter night. After he agreed to buy some, the supplier dropped huge amounts of tomatoes, cucumbers and peppers out of his camper.
When the cook wanted to take the vegetables out of cold storage the next morning, he only found piles of plastic packaging.
edit The Soccer Fans
German hooligans late at night sang a song about how they would go to the World Cup without the Netherlands. Suddenly a damned skinny guy showed up and told them they were wrong, that they would go WITH the Netherlands, but that they were going not to the world cup but directly to hell for their godless boozing.
edit The Driving Dutchman in literature
Inspired by the legend, the poet Walter of the Hubcap composed the following lines:
One single hope shall remain with me,
it alone shall stand unshaken:
long though the car may follow the road,
it yet must rust and rot and perish.
Day of Judgment! Day of doom!
When will the axle give away?
When will the blow of annihilation resound
which shall crack the vehicle asunder?
When all the parts are worn out,
then shall I pass into the void.
You tires asunder, cease your course!
Eternal extinction take me!
|This page was originally sporked from German Uncyclopedia.|