UnBooks:The Dinosaur Delusion
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
The Dinosaur Delusion
By Professor Richard Dawkins
I have long sought to disprove the trite creationist claim that dinosaurs and man walked the earth together. The fossil record would not suffice, neither would geology or genetics. The only way I could convince them was with an eye witness account, but how could I possibly deliver such a thing?
edit Professor Hawking and His Marvelous Machines
Stephen Hawking and I have long been fast friends. Sunday afternoons were most pleasantly spent at his house watching his contraptions whir in to life and move around in ways that could never fail to entertain. Stephen noticed that my brow was somewhat heavy that particular day and asked "WHAT IS WRONG, RICHARD?" I sighed and told him of my conundrum for which there appeared to be no remedy. Stephen's eyes flitted around the room, to land on a mysterious device covered with a tarpaulin. I ventured to look, and was astonished as it emerged from its cover. I could not believe my good fortune, for here before me lay the answer to my problems - a time machine. I asked "Could this really work?"
Stephen ably piloted his wheelchair across the room, stopping to examine a bewildering array of controls. "RICHARD, THIS TIME MACHINE CAN ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS, BUT YOU MUST BE AWARE THAT ACTIONS IN THE PAST MAY AFFECT THE PRESENT." I nodded, although I'll admit I was only half-listening to his warnings. "YOU MUST SPECIFICALLY AVOID HAVING SEX WITH ANYTHING YOU MEET" he said as power began to hum through the apparatus. I smirked as I realised that such a warning was surely pointless! There were no humans in the Mesozoic era, just dinosaurs and very worried small mammals, so what would I possibly be motivated to penetrate with my irreducibly complex genitals? Granted my private school days left me with a voracious and variable sexual appetite, but mice have little to fear from my naturally selected trouser snake.
We worked late in to the night, assisting as best I could. The first hints of daylight were appearing as we finished our preparations. Although fatigued, I wondered how Watson and Crick felt when they too stood on the verge of discovery? Were they aware of the impact they would have on this world, and I must confess to some conceit here, did I realise the importance of what I was about to do?
edit Stepping Through Time
I strapped myself in to the device, nodding my readiness to Stephen. As he clumsily used his mouth to draw back the lever, I experienced a feeling of disorientation as the world seemed dissolve around me. I'm unsure as to how long I was unconscious for, but when I awoke it was to bright light. I ventured to open my eyes, and gasped as I took in the sights. Stephen was admirable in many ways, but he was no gardener. The journey from the gate to his front door could be likened to Livingstone's jaunts through Africa, yet the jungle surrounding me was quite unfamiliar. I emerged from the machine and tried to find my bearings, yet nothing was familiar to my senses. The trees were alien, and the smells were certainly nothing to which I was accustomed. At this moment, I felt a slight twinge in my trouser area, but this did not worry me. With Stephen's warning still ringing in my ears, I was comforted by the knowledge that there was nothing here in which my penis could holster itself.
The jungle appeared to have no end. Carefully keeping the machine in sight, I ventured farther in to the thicket. Then, something caught my eye. There was movement, and my heart seemed to be trying to beat its way out of my chest. I crouched, hoping to avoid being seen, and was treated to a sight that no human had ever seen - a dinosaur! It was one of those little lizard things with the pointy nose, and it was foraging in the undergrowth. For a brief moment our eyes met, but the beast paid little attention to me. I found my camera and hurried to take a photograph of this long extinct marvel. It was then that I became aware that something else was moving. I drew back towards the machine, but stumbled on a root. As I lay there trying to release my foot from the tangled mass of vines, I realised that I was seeing that which was impossible.
edit The Impossible Ape
Were my eyes deceiving me? No, she appeared quite real, but how could this be? Standing before me was a human female, clothed in animal skins. She seemed quite unafraid, but remained at a sensible distance. I held my arms open as I uttered the universal greeting "Bah-weep-Graaaaagnah wheep ni ni bong". She gave me a sideways glance, of the kind seen when a dog is engaged in conversation by its naked master. I drew myself to my feet and walked towards this impossible woman. How could she be here? The fossil record, genetics, geology and every scientific fact would seem to disprove her existence, yet I could not deny that which my eyes beheld! I became aware of a sensation in my trousers, one which I knew I must resist if there were to be a tomorrow to return home to. She backed away, as if somehow aware that my honourable member was struggling to escape its polyester prison.
We stood in silence for what seemed an eternity before her eyes darted over my shoulder. I glanced around in time to feel a heavy swipe across my face, causing me to collapse to the ground.
edit The Inquisitive Dinosaur
I awoke, disoriented, confused and wondering where my attractive wife was? My vision clearing, I realised that this was not my bedroom, and then it all came back to me. I was in dinosaur times, yet I had seen a human living among them! I examined my surroundings, observing that this was a small cave strewn with bones and burnt sticks. Was this the woman's home, and had one of her companions laid me low? My slow crawl to the cave entrance was halted as I became aware of a presence behind me. I turned, and without any conscious thought emitted a loud scream. I was face-to-face with a dinosaur, and a pretty big one. It was one of those red coloured ones with little arms, and I wondered if I were to be its lunch? I attempted to flee but my member was still quite erect and hampering my escape. I could not run while it was hooked in my trouser leg, so I had no choice but to discard my trousers in the hope that it would hasten my escape.
I like reason, in fact it's one of the things I do the most. People ask me questions and I use reason to provide answers. My daughter at an early age asked what Santa would bring her, and I used my powers of reason to explain that since he did not exist he would by definition be bringing her nothing. She was somewhat dismayed, as children are wont to be, but would have thanked me as an adult had she not run away and hurled herself from a bridge. But, I digress. My powers of reason led me to believe (in the non-religious sense of the word) that a large dinosaur could not follow me through small gaps. I hurried in to the jungle, my DNA dispenser flip-flopping against my belly. I had hoped that my dexterity would surely allow me to evade the beast, but Alas I had underestimated him; I was his prey.
edit Mounting Quite Improbable
I gasped as the dinosaur flung its weight on my now mostly limp body. I expected at any moment to feel teeth tearing through my back, but the sensation was something else. This Mesozoic era dinosaur was mounting me, and quite roughly.
How could such a thing happen, since surely the chances of being raped by a dinosaur while strolling in the Mesozoic era are astronomical? My reason gave way to despair, with no obvious explanation for - or escape from this predicament! I clung to a fallen branch as the dinosaur breathed heavily on me neck as it thrust itself repeatedly in to my person. I cried out in pain, hoping perhaps that the woman would return and offer some assistance, but my savior was not to seen. Was this to be a repeat performance of my humbling at the hands of my history teacher?
edit Broken Back Mounted
I felt as if I would soon snap under the weight of the amorous beast, yet something quite improbable were to be added to this tale. As consciousness departed my body, I saw someone walking towards me. When I awoke, the dinosaur was gone and my raging wood had subsided. I tried to pull myself up to a seated position, but the pain forced me to remain slumped on the dusty ground. My eyes scanned the surroundings, seeing little of interest. I had no idea where my time machine were to be found, and hope was leaving my body. A human hand thrust a bowl towards me, and I did not seek the owner of the hand, I just ate hungrily. There was a figure seated by a fire, idly poking the embers and paying little attention to my disheveled form. I crawled closer, seeking the warmth and answers. The stranger craned his head, the shock of seeing his face causing me to slump once more to the dusty ground.
My mind could not comprehend the face that presented itself to me, yet he was who he appeared to be. "Professor Dawkins, I wondered when you would come?" he said as he eased me to sit on a log. "Falwell, why are you here in the Mesozoic era? What is this all about?" I spluttered. Falwell produced two books from his bag, the first being my own work The Selfish Gene, the other a handsomely bound King James Bible. He explained that he could not refute my story of human evolution, yet could not deny the truth contained within the Bible. In order to reconcile both, he had faked his death and returned to the past in order to create a world in which both accounts would be true. Falwell had reforged himself as Adam, the father of the human race, but who was his Eve? Falwell beckoned to the jungle, and from the leaves emerged Eve. "Sylvia Browne?" I enquired in my most quizzical voice. She nodded and sat beside Falwell. In a strange way I was pleased to see her, since nothing can calm the libido quite as effectively as the sight of an elderly woman whose weight issues give the impression that she is melting.
Falwell explained that they had produced many children, and that the fossil record would now reflect the true history of Genesis. He had already begun damming a nearby river in order to create the deluge that would lead to the scourging of life from the world, in order to begin creating the world we know. I was flabbergasted, but what could I do? I was too weak to fight him, yet I could not possibly let that madman rewrite history! I reached down for a large stone and drew it up to strike him, but then someone caught my arm. I screamed and spun around to come face-to-face with a frowning bearded face. He grabbed me roughly and flung me to the ground. "My son, you cannot undo that which has already transpired" boomed his voice. Was this God I was seeing? I certainly could surely not be seeing this being, since he clearly does not exist - my book The God Delusion proves that, and Christopher Hitchens is absolutely clear on the matter. Yet, here he was. "My child, you must return home and accept that what is to be shall be" he said as he gripped my testicles, using them to drag me towards my time machine. Light left me as the pain grew too much to bear.
edit A Soothing Cup of Tea
I awoke seated in the time machine, apparently returned to the basement of Stephen's house. I was alone with my confusion and vivid memories. The time machine had been damaged, so there was no hope of returning to an earlier time to undo Falwell's plan, and it's perhaps futile to try to stop him if God was assisting his enterprise. Fashioning a pair of trousers from a plastic bag, I quietly ascended the stairs and crept to the door. The familiar site of Stephen's jungle was comforting, and I realised what I must do. I would return home to enjoy a cup of tea.