UnBooks:The Creature

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Dalekcover

edit
~ Foreword ~

The following is taken from the literary version of the new series of the sci-fi television show Doctor Who.[1]


edit
~ CHAPTER ONE ~

James watched on in tense excitement, captivated by the sheer drama of the explosive events unfolding in front of his very eyes. Those large silver vacuum cleaners with blinding torches protruding from their nether regions could easily render any given individual immobile in an instant with their deadly cake cannons lasers. They edged slowly yet deliberately through the dark, eerily lit room. In an instant, a flash of light travelled across the room, causing James to produce a deafening scream, louder than ever before, even surpassing the decibel level he reached the time his brother shoved banana and broccoli ice cream down his trousers.

"EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!"*[2] came the muffled, eerily Steven Hawking-like cries, as the creature exploded a deep blue laser beam deep from within its innards. Everything seemed to happen in super-slow motion. Not even having the time to cry Noooo! in a manner befitting an action movie hero, James ducked for cover behind the closest solid object he could see.

After what seemed like an eternity, but what actually was only an agonising five seconds, James gingerly brought his cupped hands away from his wrinkled, crumpled face. Just as he was beginning to take in the enormity of the events that had occurred just moments earlier, there came a shrill, smug voice. James turned his head with razor sharp reactions to hear:

Cquote1 Come on James, turn that television off, it's time for bed. All these episodes of Doctor Who are going to give you nightmares! Cquote2

A very stiff and trembling but slightly relieved James responded by emerging from behind the family couch. As he proceeded to prop himself against the lamp stand, for once he had to agree with his mother that it was time to retire for the night, and made his way up the stairs to his bedroom.


edit
~ CHAPTER TWO ~

"Mum?" uttered James, as his mother continued to smooth his duvet cover and fidget with his pillows. "Are Daleks Garlics[3], you know, real?"

"Of course not, dear. Don't be silly," replied his mum in a soft and slightly amused voice.

James was comforted by his mother's words, so much so that he was asleep almost as soon as his mother flicked the lightswitch. However, just as James was having the most wonderful dream about jelly and ice cream, he was awoken with a jolt by a series of sudden dull thuds which seemed to be coming from the general vicinity of the back garden.

"It's probably nothing to be scared about. Just the back gate left unlocked and blowing in the wind," thought James. But just as he was about to close his eyes to return to his dreamland party, the noise came again, only this time louder and seemingly much closer. James could ignore this no longer and grew increasingly worried. He had heard stories of monsters that eat children in the night and considered peeking out his bedroom window to investigate. He was only stopped from doing so by a series of almost deafening thuds coming from the foot of the stairs outside his bedroom.

James was now completely overcome with terror. He felt heart begin to beat faster and faster. The thuds grew nearer. Thud, thud thud, thud. His heart sank to the bottom of his stomach: someone, or indeed something was now advancing up the staircase. With every step, James pulled his duvet tighter over his head, shivering and jibbering with fear.

Then, for a second, the noises stopped and all was calm, almost like the stillness of a ravaged village in the eye of a violent storm. James momentarily stopped chewing his pillow, and focused his attention upon his bedroom door. Suddenly, James could have sworn he saw the handle turn slightly. Now transfixed, he grew extremely tense as indeed, his worst fears confirmed as he witnessed his door handle rotating with a clunk and a squeak. James prayed it was his mother or father and not something more sinister. He gritted his teeth together as the handle clicked its final click unhooking the latch.

<> <> <> <>

To be continued. Will James be eaten by an evil monster, or is Santa just bringing him an early Christmas present? Be sure to read next week's supplement to find out what happens next!

What? You say you don't really care? Just for that, I'm finishing this story right now, so there! Ahem.


edit
~ CHAPTER THREE ~

Daleklight

The creature filled the room with a burst of light.

With a final clunk, the door's locking mechanism was deactivated. James could hardly bear to watch as the door slowly began to open...

BANG! The door slammed hard against the back wall. The whole room was filled with a blinding pale yellow light. A startled James could hardly make out what had burst into his room, but froze in terror when he heard a muffled, Steven Hawking-like cry:

Cquote1 I AM A DALEK GARLIC! I AM A DALEK GARLIC![4] Cquote2

"B-but, I th-thought D-Daleks didn't exist! H-how did you manage to get up the stairs?" uttered James, fearing for his life.

The creature stopped deadly still. It rotated to face a horrified James. "Well..."

"We actually utilise a complex system of ropes and pulleys, reinforced to ensure safety."

"Huh?" exclaimed a confused James, now sitting up on the edge of his bed.

The creature proceeded to remove its head to reveal a small, middle aged man with thinning thatch and a moustache. "It's really a series of very clever and expensive special effects."

James said nothing. Just then, a group of people wearing heavily-wired headphones and wielding boom microphones stormed into James's room.

"Oh, crap, it's the camera crew!" Shouted the creature's operator to no-one in particular.

"Come back here!" Cried one of the crew, dashing towards the 'Dalek' which was now comically jerking around the room in an uncomfortable fashion in order to escape. Just as the floor manager type person was about to grab hold of him, the small man, bulky costume and all, proceeded to smash the bedroom window with a ball of dirty socks from the washing basket and jump out of the jagged hole he had just created in the glass.

Whilst all this was happening, James watched on in amazement, rendered mute. A rather large man with the word 'director' written on the back of his tracksuit came over to him. "Aw, jeez, we've been chasing him for weeks. David actually thinks he's a Dalek or something."

"Now, who's up for orange jelly and banana ice cream?"

"Uh, no thanks" said James, reluctantly peering down at his duvet. "I've been put right off it."[5]


_ The End!

edit Footnotes

  1. Probably.
  2. Altered at the request of the BBC. What? They threatened me with handguns and egg grenades!
  3. Also edited at the request of the BBC
  4. And again. You get the idea.
  5. Sorry for the crap joke.

edit Pointless external link

Personal tools
projects