UnBooks:The Autobiography of Jesus of Nazareth
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But do you really?
So much of my life has been just plain mistranslated, and gotten wrong. Raised Lazarus from the dead... Please! Why would I want zombie boy walking around when he didn't like me tapping his sister in the first place? In all honesty I was happy to see him gone. Or at least I would have been. It seems that Lazarus wasn't really dead in the first place. He had a peanut allergy and didn't know it. Ate one or two too many nuts one night, and went into anaphylactic shock, and then a coma. Trust me, I was just as surprised as anyone to see him up and walking around when I showed up. And I had to pretend I was HAPPY to see him too. Man, it isn't easy being me sometimes.
I know it has been a while since I was alive, but so many people have the wrong impression of how my life went, I have to set the record straight somehow. With this autobiography, I hope to tell everyone what, truly, is what.
Mom was a virgin
Yeah, right. And Lot's wife actually got turned into a pillar of salt... (Typical bible. A "pillar of salt" during my time was actually a slang term for a particularly ugly woman. Not that Lot's Wife was a looker beforehand, but Lot used this as an explanation for why he ended up marrying a woman of her features. You should have heard him. For years afterword, when he would introduce her he would say "She was such a looker when I married her! Face like a Serraphim! But then she had to turn around and LOOK and God turned her into this pillar of salt." He was a bit on the material side, that Lot. But seriously everyone...An actual pillar of salt? Please, readers, never translate a book about a time period when you don't even know the slang words of the day.) Look, mom wasn't a virgin. Not by a long shot. Hell, her name wasn't even Mary. Her name was Shappira. Her and my dad (no, not him...), Joseph got it on a little before they were supposed to. Well, in those times that kind of thing wasn't exactly acceptable, so they had to do something when mom got pregnant, lest she get stoned (the bad kind). So, she decided to spread the rumor that she got pregnant a few weeks prior to when she actually had. That weekend she had been surrounded by her (overbearing) parents. No one could believe she had snuck a guy into her room with those two hawking over her every move, so it became everyone's guess that she had been inseminated by God. It might sound like a bit of a leap to you all now, but the excuse that a woman was having God's child was actually pretty popular back then. Something like 38% of all children born on my birth year (0 A.D. Heck Yeah! You know how you all tell time nowadays? You're welcome.) were God's babies. Very active during those times, God was. So, 8 1/2 months later, there I was; Son of God, and coming a bit before anyone really wanted. A problem that would haunt me for the rest of my life.
The 12 Apostles
It has been said that upon reaching adulthood, I went out and found 12 men to follow with me around, and help me with my work on earth. I did this, of course, by telling the fishermen to stop fishing, to follow me, and to become fishers of men. This, unfortunately, was a story that has been mistranslated in the bible. Does anyone actually know any Jewish fishermen nowadays? Do you think any of them would have believed that BS? Fishers of men... Really? Fishers of men? No offense to the guys, but they were fishermen in the first century. Symbolism was completely lost on them. No, no. What actually happened was something a little less poignant. In layman's terms, (and let me tell you I had to use layman's terms a lot. Stupid fishermen.) I had to seduce 12 followers who would do my bidding along the countryside. I told these poor, starving fishermen to follow me, and their stomachs would be full, and their life's meaning fulfilled. I told them to stop being men who ate fish, and start being fish who ate men. Whether or not all 12 of them actually believed they were fish, I really don't know. I think Peter did, but that is kind of beside the point. What is important is that I beckoned and seduced them forth, and they came. I'm pretty sure most of them just heard they would be getting free food, and followed alongside, but they came nonetheless. And this is the true story about how I, Jesus of Nazareth, caused a group of 12 men to turn to cannibalism.
Looking at it all now, I guess I can't really fault the Catholics for trying to eat me every Sunday. I would have done the same.
Turning Water into Wine
According to the bible, I was at a wedding party, and the people were running out of wine. So, I fetched bunch of barrels of water, and when I touched the barrels, the water turned to wine. Supposedly, this was my first miracle. (Even if I had performed a miracle that day, it would not have been my first one. That would be the first time I hooked up with Mary. A more tight legged girl was not known in Jerusalem. And then she met me. Lets just say I worked a whole lot of magic that night. Holler.) Well, I remember that party, and I can tell you I didn't turn water into wine. (If I could have turned water into wine, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have been able to do much of anything else.) Actually, now that I think about it, I don't think there was any water at the party at all. No, when I was told that the party was almost out of wine, I called the apostles over, and took them with me to the local vintner. He was kind of well known for being a drunk. When we got there to talk payment for some more wine, he oddly seemed more interested in my apostle James than money. So, I just got James to, shall we say, work him over. (So, I know that a lot of people today think that I was completely against homosexuality, but that isn't exactly true. Look, homosexuality is as old as time. Do you all really think that Cain and Abel were brothers?! That was a lover's quarrel, and a particularly tragic one at that.)
Well, while James was busy, the rest of us rolled 4 of the vintner's barrels of wine out of a barn, down the road, and to the party. We were, of course, welcomed back as heroes. The father of the bride even offered me his daughter that he had just married off in return for the wine. Of course, he was drunk at the time, so I guess it came as a bit of a shock to him when he found me in bed with his daughter the next day. Though, he probably wasn't as surprised as the vintner's wife was. Man, that was a crazy night...
Walking on Water
I think that was a mistranslation for 'Walking on Walter'. He was a wannabe apostle who kept bugging me about wanting to 'join the team'. Trust me, it was never going to happen. You should have seen this kid; he was so annoying. With him it was always "God this," and "God that!" He spoke in parables. (I'm pretty sure no one could understand any of the ones he told. Like I said, it was the first century; riddles were not in vogue. How those stupid things got attributed to me, I have no idea. Let me ask you, have you ever tried to move a mountain with the faith of a mustard seed? Yeah, I'm sure that'll work. Maybe next time, try dynamite and bulldozers. Also, maybe next time, don't be an idiot.) Do you have any idea how annoying it is to have one of those God kids always hounding you EVERYWHERE YOU GO?! I can still hear his annoyingly high-pitched voice in my head. "Oh, Jesus, don't do that to the sheep!" "Please Jesus! What would God say about defecating on the altar?!" "Ow, Jesus! Stop punching me in the face!" Such a buzz kill. Plus, I didn't think 'The Apostle Walt' really sounded right.
Well, I took care of him anyway. One day it rained and I told Walter I didn't want to get my sandals wet, so he laid out across a large puddle in front of me. He always was a sucker for doing that kind of stuff for me. So, I did walk on Walter. And then, before he got up, I swiftly kicked Walter in the face. (KO. One shot'd that guy! Shazam! Anyone else wanna take on the ole' Jee-man? That's what I thought.) Then, the other 12 walked on Walter too. Should we have done it? Maybe not. But a man can only be pushed so far before he has to do something drastic. Something drastic like kicking an annoying 12-year-old kid in the face.
Feeding the Multitudes
So, apparently, I turned 5 loaves of bread, and 2 fish into enough food to feed 5000 people. Oh man, how cool would that have been? Seriously, if I could have done that shit, do you really think I would have looked as skinny as I did? No crucifix would have been able to hold me. I wish I could have been able to make food multiply. I wouldn't have caused the apostles to turn into flesh eaters, that's for sure. But, alas, this is not true. The truth is that the apostles and I got stoned (the good kind) one morning and really got the munchies. All we had to eat, though, were 5 loaves of bread, and two small fish. So, the guys went into town and spread the word that I was about to give a sermon on the nearby hill, and that everyone who wanted to listen should bring food. To make a long story short, we stole the food of the 5000 people that showed up, ran to the hills, and hid in a cave. I guess, in a way, I was able to turn 5 loaves and 2 fish into enough food to feed 5000 people. It's just that it was kind of backwards in the bible.
In the end, however, our scheme was all for naught. We were all giggling so much at what we had done, we kind of didn't eat anything. Woke up the next morning to hundreds of rotting fish and fruits and one small goat. Smelled of something awful in there. And we were never welcomed back to that town again. Kind of a shame, really.
The Last Supper
Can I just tell you something? Never, ever, in all of my life would I have ever washed the feet of all
12 11 apostles. Goodness gracious. Do you understand the bathing practices of people in the first century? Half of the people rubbed sheep dung on their bodies to overpower their own scents. Look.... No. Just... just, no.
Now, I do actually like the moniker "The Last Supper" for this day because if it went the way the bible says it did, it certainly would have been. According to the bible, I broke the bread, passed it around, and told everyone it was my body, then passed around some wine and told them it was my blood. Do you have any idea what would have happened to me if the guys all thought I tasted like fresh bread and my blood would get them drunk? Does it really not get conveyed how poor everyone was during those times? I heard stories of people selling children for a loaf of fresh bread. Then again, I also heard stories about me meeting the devil in the desert. (Two things. One, I'm pretty sure I never went out to the desert to fast for 40 days just for kicks. Two, if I did, and the devil appeared to me, and turned some stones into bread, I'm eating the magic stone-bread.)
Where was I? Oh, right. Me saying those quotes to the apostles like that would have been a death wish, which, contrary to popular belief, I did not have. I was perfectly content bumming around Jerusalem with 12 minions. Well, it eventually became 11, but go easy on Judas. I know he looks like a betrayer nowadays, but if his actions had led to my parent's house getting razed by a heard of cattle, I would have done the exact same thing.
Yes, of course. The biggest ruse of all. It is true that I was put on trial, and ordered to be crucified. But they had a good damn reason to put me on trial. I won't go into the details, but I'll just say that the clergymen in Bethlehem were never the same after I got through with them. I never actually figured I would be marked for death though. I mean, Barabbas killed, like, 16 or 17 people. Here's a little lesson for everyone, never go up against a magician in a popularity contest. It never ends up well for you. Especially not one with a ridiculous "sword eating" trick. (Damn Barabbas.) However, those familiar with bible lore remember the section where a man named Simon helped me carry the cross. I will say it here, so that you will all now know: We pulled the 'ole switch-aroo. Simon's family was very poor, and he was afraid that they would possibly starve during the upcoming winter. I simply promised to get his family through the upcoming winter in exchange for Simon taking my place that day. It wasn't hard to convince him that I could do it. Many people actually thought I could perform miracles. So, in fact, when people saw me walking around a few days later, it wasn't so much of a miracle, as it was my new family wanted water, and I was going to the well to get some. It caused this whole big uproar. I was definitely in a pinch, so decided to cover my ass. I thought up the biggest whopper I could, and pretended to be undead. I even had to cut holes in my hands, feet, and side just to get Thomas to go along with whole the thing. That little bastard was too perceptive for his own good. Hey Thomas, doubt this: You Suck. My hands and feet are still messed up. I have arthritis like you wouldn't believe nowadays.
I'm not telling you all of this to make you think that I was a liar and a deceiver. No, what I am trying to tell you is that I was smart enough to get out of being crucified. This is, of course, more than I can say for Simon of Crimea.
He Died For Your Sins
I died on the cross for all of your sins. A more blatant lie could not be told. Do you have any idea how many sins you all have committed? And most of them you don't even think twice about. I'm pretty sure it would take a lot more than some angry Romans tacking me to a tree to make all of you forgiven. I mean, sure, if me dying actually would have gotten everyone forgiven I would have loved to get myself killed on your behalf. It just wasn't in the cards. Although, I give the bible credit for almost getting this one right. It was just a slight mistranslation. The "He" in this case actually means Simon of Crimea, and the "your" actually refers to me. So, in fact, Simon died for my sins as it were, or, to be more accurate, sin. The one sin I had committed. Namely, tricking Simon into getting crucified for me. True, if I had not tricked him in the first place, I wouldn't have needed anyone to die for me anyway. But, it is also true that crucifixions kind of suck.