UnBooks:Steal that Book
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
edit Chapter 1: Introduction
Hey, you! Yeah, you! You look like the kind of degenerate little punk who would love to plunge the world into anarchy. How? You ask , all the secrets of overthrowing establishment are hidden between the covers of this book. That’s right, I can tell you how to bring this world of ours to its knees, but you have to follow my instructions to the letter. It all begins with stealing a book. Woah! Hey Einstein! Not THIS book! read the freakin’ cover steal THAT book. The author of this book has to eat.
Just look at them, their best sellers and their award winners, they reap their rewards from hopeless saps following their “laws” and actually paying. You and me can show em’ we can overthrow their fascist literary dominance by simply not paying for their precious “books”. It’s not like they actually need the money, those fat cats are living the life of luxury while you find yourself standing in a bookstore like a fucking moron, following the instructions of a freaking book!
Fuck them! fuck their tryanny! fuck their market! Steal their books, but not this one, the author REALLY needs a break from these bills, so walk over to the cashier, fork over a five, and BUY THIS BOOK! So we can get to stealing THAT book.
edit Chapter 2: The Plan
Yeah, you bought the book? No?! What the fuck do you think you’re doing?! This author has offered you a schematic to overthrowing the fucking government and YOU are going to screw him out of five fucking dollars?!!
No! you take me back to that cashier, you stupid fuck, you lie to her face and say you forgot you had me, and you fork over five fucking dollars ( seven dollars Canada ) and you buy me so the author can fucking eat!! Did you get that you little shit?! And get a new jacket, will ya! Have you been roasting raccoons in this one?!
Okay, you bought me…right…RIGHT! Good now we can start our mission of anarchy to utterly devastate their global enterprise over this planet. .
edit Chapter 3: The real plan but I spent the last chapter making sure you paid for the fucking book
Good, here is the first and most basic part to overthrowing the government, steal that book. Sorry, was I too fast for you, steal that fucking book! Jeez, It doesn’t take a brain surgeon to shoplift, and son, you are no brain surgeon. Just pick a good sized book you know is so popular the author won’t notice (until we burn down their corporate funded monopoly).
What do you mean they’re too big? I don’t care if she sees you smuggling all the fucking Harry Potter books under your coat at once, you take them, and you run. Mall security comes? Run fucking faster, are you some sort of pussy who can’t outrun a rent-a-cop who’s been sitting on his ass all day pretending to be a big man?
Take the FUCKING BOOK and put it under your FUCKING JACKET and FUCKING BOLT it before you get caught. If you can’t do this simple task then you shouldn’t even consider going on to the next chapter. You should just drop dead.
edit Chapter 4: Kick it up a notch
Way to go, NOT. Like ONE book is gonna do anything! I know what you’re thinkin’ now. “But book, I did everything you asked,”. Yeah, you did but the tasks I gave you were EASY I expected that even a small child with hot dogs for hands could have pulled that off without a hitch, but you, you’re just incompetent. But not hopeless…
This requires a little more enginuity, you shouldn’t have to know what it means, but it helps. You’ll need firearms, a van, and some good friends. You don’t have any of those? Well that’s why I told ya. So go get some! And don’t come back until you do… Jesus Christ…
…You got em’? finally! I’ve been waitin’ a fucking eternity! So here’s what you do.
You and your friends rob the store WITH the firearms, and flee WITH the books IN the van, but not the books by this author, you got that? He really needs to sell these books to maintain a living he’s got three ex-wives who feed on his every welfare check like pirahnas.
edit Chapter 5: Fall of Establishment
Now. You and your friends ride across the country stealing every book, except for the ones by this author and pillaging the weak conformist masses. The police should be a problem only at first, but they will leave you alone once you get your hands on a nuclear weapon. Seriously, the country has hundreds of thousands just lying around, and ONE will put them at your mercy.
You will live like nomadic kings. Taking what you please and having whatever you desire. The corrupt establishment will fall beneath your righteous feet and freedom will prosper in your wake. All war and strife will be ended and the world will be pure and natural once again. And who do you have to thank for this? The author of this book. So the least you can do is send him a couple bucks, I mean, he’s swamped with alimony those bitches…