Hello, there, kids. As you read this book, I'm going to be your new best friend, and you'll discover I'm just like you, in every single way you can think of! You see, children, when I was about your age, I figured out that my parents despised me, and I did something about it. Now that I've grown up a little, I decided to write this helpful guide, so I can assist any and all of you that might be in serious danger. What should you do if your parents wish only suffering and death upon you? You'll find out soon. But first, I've designed a little test that should help you find out if your parents really do hate you.
How Can I Tell If My Parents Hate Me?Edit
Loving parents are very kind and generous. They'll let you do almost anything you want, any time. Restrictions are signs of hatred, and you need to watch out for them. If you're struggling to think of any, let me suggest some.
Your Parents Make You Go To Bed At "Bedtime"Edit
"Bedtime", or just "time to go to bed", is an abstract concept used by your parents in order to get rid of you. They just can't stand to have you around, and so they try and force you to go to sleep so that they can talk about when they're going to murder you. Oh, yes, that's what they do when you're asleep at night. They stay up late and discuss your doom. In order to combat this, you need to stay up as late as possible and just refuse to go to sleep, at the very least until 2AM, and be very loud while doing it. That, you see, is so they can't discuss their evil plans with one another, which will effectively increase your life expectancy.
Your Parents Won't Let You Go Anywhere When There's Not Another AdultEdit
They all work together, your parents and the other adults. The "guardians" are around to make sure that you don't run off, as that would ruin your parents' chance to murder you for profit. Unfortunately for you, trying to escape from the guardians will only make your death come that much sooner.
Your Parents Won't Let You Always Eat CandyEdit
Candy is better known as your primary source of energy. Not only it is delicious, candy gives you power, and with that power comes great strength. Should you eat a whole ton of it, you will become incredibly strong and be able to defeat your parents easily in battle. They don't want this to happen, so naturally they restrict candy, except on certain particular (and probably rare) occasions, such as Halloween. But even on Halloween, your parents restrict your candy, by eating some of your candy with such excuses such as: "We need to taste this candy to make sure it's okay for you" (which is just an excuse for gaining more power for themselves in the interest of evening things out) or "You've had enough candy! You might get sick!" (everyone knows that candy doesn't make you sick, germs do). However, you need to check how your power compares with theirs every time you eat some; you just might get lucky.
Your Parents Stop You From Always Playing Video Games or Watching TVEdit
As we all know, TV and video games are the only true sources of entertainment in this world. However, the hateful parent will stop you from pursuing your favorite activities after a certain period of time, or so you can act as their slaves (they call that "chores"). If your parents really hate you, they will try selling you the idea that "Books are Cool" when we all know that only retards read books. Seeing you happy causes them the worst possible pain, and they'll do anything to prevent it from occurring.
So Your Parents Hate YouEdit
Now you know conclusively: your parents hate you. But this isn't all, oh, no. It can get much, much worse. Yes, there are some more criteria that you have to check on; what if you were adopted, and you're not actually your parents' real child?
Oh No! What if I Was Adopted?Edit
If you were adopted, this only makes things one hell of a lot worse for you. Why? because all adopted kids are being raised and fattened until they can be sold to gypsies. It's totally true, I read it on the Internet. And as your friends sometimes tell you, the Internet never lies! So how can you tell if you're going to be sacrificed to wild cannibals who will shear the flesh off your weak, fragile little bones? You can't, that's how.
Your Parents Don't Look The Same As YouEdit
Real kids look exactly like their parents. Do your parents have different hair colors? Eye colors? Are they taller, heavier, or stronger than you are? Chances are, you've been adopted. But there's still hope; some kids undergo spontaneous changes to look just like their parents in time. Looking different from your parents is a good start, but it's not enough to prove you're adopted. Don't worry though, I'll sort everything out.
Your Parents Enjoy Different Food From YouEdit
If your parents have ever tried to make you eat something--broccoli for example--that you thought was totally gross and icky, and then happily ate it themselves, you are almost definitely an adopted kid. Real kids have parents who eat candy all the time and have huge cabinets full of chocolate that you can eat any time you want, even right before bedtime.
Your Parents Watch Different TV ShowsEdit
Cartoons and kids' shows are undoubtedly the best programming out there. Your parents should enjoy these things too, just as much as you do. If your parents watch boring adult things, such as the Discovery Channel, then they're not actually your parents.
Have You Reached Your Conclusion?Edit
To all the kids with real parents, congratulations. I'm sure they love you a whole lot and will never sell you off to gypsies.
As for the rest of you, who managed to meet all of the above requirements, that's what this book is for. You're in good hands.
If parents are really controlling over really small things, you better be cautious!
Your Parents Adopted You, and They Hate Your GutsEdit
Unfortunately, everybody, it's true. Your parents despise you. They're just raising you to either kill you and make a fortune off the insurance, or sell you to gypsies as delicious, delicious food. Either way, you're in some serious trouble!
Now, when you're done crying, you may wonder, 'What can I do about this dreadful situation? There must be something I can do to stop my parents from killing or selling me!'
Fortunately for you, there are ways to stop that from occurring. You can live a full and prosperous life, become an adult, and get kids of your own that you really love and would never kill or put up for sale. The first way is coming right up, and it's something that you'll almost definitely enjoy:
Fighting back is undoubtedly the best way to get your parents to love you and stop restricting things. If you rebel enough, then your parents might really stop hating you and actually accept you. You might even be able to stop them from killing you before you can grow up and get away. 'But how do I rebel correctly,' you might be thinking, 'and not make my parents just despise me even more?' Thankfully, there's a simple answer:
You can never rebel incorrectly. Disobedience is the only true way to make your parents love you, and you can do it any way you wish. Just for starters, here are some good examples.
Throw A Tantrum... and Never StopEdit
You may have tried throwing a tantrum before, and you may or may not have been successful. If it did work, congratulations! You're already on your way to getting your parents to love you. If not, then you just need to keep going and going until you finally get your way. Should it be required, you should continue your tantrum for days. Set up alarms in the middle of the night to keep throwing your tantrum. When you run out of energy to keep screaming and crying, just ignore your parents until you're ready to start again. Tantrums are the backbones of rebellion, and they're your best friends.
Feces: You Can Use ItEdit
You may know feces more intimately as 'poop', and that's okay. They're the same thing. That's called a synonym, but that's not important right now. What is important is that you can keep producing this vital rebellion material over and over. Especially for you young budding artists, poop can be a vital medium. Smear it on the walls! The floors! Just poop all over the place! If you have a dog, use their poop! Your parents won't understand what you're doing, but poop can be extremely important to make your parents love you.
So even though poop is icky and gross, your parents hate it more than you do. Use it at your discretion.
Breaking Things: Both Super-Fun And RebelliousEdit
Smashing things is really fun. Have you ever tried it? Maybe your parents have scolded you for breaking things. That's just because they hate you and, as you may remember, seeing you happy makes them feel sick to their stomachs. Therefore, you need to take the same attitude; break the things that make your parents happy. Break them until they're entirely useless, and then break 'em some more.
Make sure not to smash your own items. If you really want your parents to love you, you have to go for the jackpot. Your parents both have rings on; these rings are rings of hatred, and they force them to despise you. If you've ever seen the movie The Lord of the Rings, then you know that rings are evil. Every ring is the same shape as the evil ring in the movie, because they're all the same ring. If you can destroy these rings, your parents will slowly begin to love you again as their terrible, demonic effects wear off.
Fighting and BitingEdit
The most animalistic and pure form of rebellion is fighting back physically. However, you're probably much weaker than your parents, since they adopted you. You need to find and target weak spots for your carefully planned attacks. Eyes work on everyone; the crotch only on men. Work on that.
Some of you may be tempted to go really far into it, and use a knife or gun. Unfortunately, this plan of attack frequently backfires. You may be sent to an insane asylum, which is where crazy people are kept. Here, you will be put all by yourself, and you will die a slow and miserable death. Since this is not what you're going for, you should avoid going this far.
Unless you're just a real badass, in which case, it's okay, as long as you quickly follow up with the next step:
Get The Fuck AwayEdit
Should, after all you're fighting back, your parents still fail the hatred test, you only have one option: escape. You need to run away from your home before your parents murder you. It's inevitable. Thankfully, you have my handy guide to escaping this dreadful death-trap of doom you call 'home'.
When running away from your parents, you really only need one thing: money. Steal all the cash you can find in your house, as well as all the credit cards. You'll need all of this to purchase transportation and food. Your parents might be able to track you though the way you spend the money on the magical credit card, but it doesn't matter. As long as you can get out of the state, they can't find you. It's science.
You may want to bring along a pack of some of your favorite toys and books just to keep you entertained. This is all you need. Running away is very simple and very fun. But where can you go? I have the answer to this, too. But before I give it to you, I must say that you have been quite a trooper through all of this. Even though your parents still hate you, you tried, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. But like I promised, here is...
The Place You Can Run Away ToEdit
This place is called Nowhere Farm, and it is located in the fourth dimension. It's where I live! At least, I used to live there, and I'm sort of dead now, but that's beside the point. It's a fun and fantastic place where you can do all the things your adoptive, hating parents wouldn't let you do. I can't wait to see you there!
You may be wondering if there are any strings attached to this amazing offer. As stockbrokers say, if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. However, you'll be happily surprised to learn that there are no strings whatsoever... except one: it's not entirely real. You'll need to use your imagination to get there, but that shouldn't be too much of a problem. You'll also find that the trees aren't quite there when you really look at them, but seriously, who needs trees? It's candy that's important. Actually, the candy isn't entirely real either, and you'll be hungry all the time until you drink somebody's blood. In other words, you'll become a vampire. Vampires are cool, though, right? Hey, it's either that or put up with your evil parents. No, you won't sparkle in the sun; you'll burn up. You'll have to stay inside all the time... but that means you get to play lots of video games and you even have an excuse!