UnBooks:Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

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One of the most popular characters in the ever growing Christmas Pantheon including Santa Claus, his Elves, Frosty the Snowman, The Grinch, Jimmy Stewart and Snoopy's "Joe Christmas" persona. Oh, and Jesus, if you must.

Rudolph-the-red-nosed-reindeer

Freak on a leash: Rudolph in action.

edit Origin

In the original, or Pre-Crisis origin story, Rudolf's strange and eerie powers were explained as a freak of birth. The moral of Rudolf's tale was similar to that of the X-Men - that is, that you should be tolerant of the freakish deformities of others, because you never know when some twisted mutant will be able to serve your self-interest.

However, this simple story was changed in the 1980s when the World Christmas League decided to update the story for a modern audience.

In the new tale, Rudolf was born not from the dream of two loving parents, but a sinister plan. Rudolf was the last survivor of a series of brutal experiments carried out by Nazi scientists during WWII. Herman Goering, seeking to match the power of the Allied Spruce Goose Squadron, commissioned Albert Einstein to create a "flying cavalry". Learning that Einstein was a) Jewish, b) in the USA and c) a theoretical physicist, not an evil eugenicist, Goering drafted in well-known drug addled writer, Aldous Huxley to head Project DeathDear.

Using controlled selective breeding and laboratory experiment were the key to the success of this project, and at 9½ weeks of age, Rudolph was taken from his mother and moved to the secret underground chambers of Hitler's top scientists and surgeons. There he endured unspeakable acts of physical and psychological manipulation in what was eventually to become another failure of Nazi Germany.

Or was it?

Yes, pretty much. No!

After dismal efforts to install wings, booster rockets, and a rear-mounted self-regenerating methane gas-based balloon failed, a new scientist tried his hand at the problem. Junger Mann was a bright young fellow and a recent graduate of the Nuremberg Institute for Advanced Infliction of Severe Physical Pain as a Means of Punishment or Coercion. Armed with only his wits, a hack saw, some thread, and a variety of big-top paraphernalia that the Nazis had liberated from a circus they'd defeated some weeks earlier, Junger set to work.

After many hours, with only short breaks for schnitzel and folk dancing (was mit der lederhosen und der knee schlapping und so weiter), Junger emerged tired and sweating, but victorious.

edit D-Day

Dateline December 24, 1943 — Rudolph stood in the bay of an He-177 Bomber, awaiting test deployment on a civilian textiles factory in Poland. Four miles southeast of the target, the bomber collided mid-air with another vessel and the bomb bay doors were damaged and dislodged unexpectedly. In the violent turbulence, Rudloph stumbled and was launched prematurely. His propulsion system failed to deploy, as did his emergency parachute, but he was at least able to survey the object they'd hit as he hurtled toward the ground toward his inevitable demise.

Lol! It was a miniature sleigh, drawn by eight tiny reindeer.

It was a vision of beauty, quickly tarnished by the realization that he was still in freefall and about to do a lipstand on terra firma from 5,500 feet. That is, until the pilot of the other vessel saved him...

edit The Untouchable

Bea Arthur

"Your turn to shovel the stables, Santa dear."

Then all the reindeers mugged him, beat him up, and called him names.

Santa took Rudolph to the North Pole, where he was reformed from his Nazi conditioning in scenes remeniscent of American History X. You think I'm joking, but there's Furry slash-fic on that very subject.

Meanwhile, the other reindeers were involved in some sort of soap-opera, with Cupid was occupied playing matchmaker, still trying to make a love connection for Donner, whose nose was never more than a few inches away from Vixen's tail as he stalked her everywhere. Comet and Dasher were usually out in the yard, racing and trash talking about who was faster. Dancer and Prancer were engrossed in salsa lessons, after the Fat Man had ixnayed any more Lambada on the premises. And Blitzen? Well, he was drunk and passed out on the floor of his stall in a pile of his own manure, as he usually was 364 days out of the year.That is very cute!!

And none of them would let poor Rudolph join in any Reindeer Games. They shouldn't do that just becuase he's diffirent. Thats mean t If only someone had done the same favour for Ben Affleck. But, Rudolph found some solice in studying for a Diploma of Clinja Arts by mail, through International Correspondence School.

edit Redemption

Then, one foggy Christmas eve, Santa came to say:

"Compadres! The American Pig Dogs fighting our Glorious allies in the Democratic People's State of Narnia have crossed the 79th parallel. In encroaching on our territory, they have signed their own death warrants! Which reminds me - I have death warrants to sign. Excuse me."

With that, the reindeers set off to the front, leading the Elven Red-and-White Army against the Imperialist hordes! During the war, General Rudolf was able to build himself a power-bloc amongst the Teddy bears and gollywogs. Also, he framed Dasher for "counter-Christmasary activities", leaving the reindeer leaderless. Blitzen was promoted to chief reindeer, but died in questionable circumstances before he was able to consolidate his power. By the war's end, Rudolf held the uncontested position of Santa's second in command.

Then all the reindeers feared him, And they shouted out with glee, "Hail Santa! Hail Rudolf! Death to the Imperialist enemies of the Motherpole!

edit Death

What most people do not know about the reindeer is that he was killed. Some say he was hunted and made into some nice reindeer jerkey and a pair of slacks somewhere outside of Alabama. Others, which is the more famous story, say that while on a practice flight around the world, he was hit by a flock of seagulls and a Boeing 747 in Spain. Giving us the commonly said phrase, "The reindeer in Spain was hit mainly by the plane." Much speculation arouse as to where his body was resting and the conspiracy that the North Pole famine of 78' had strucken Santa too hard, and he just been to hungry, and well theres nothing really left of poor Rudolph. It is said that the all of the other reindeer pleeded with santa to stop, "Do not eat the elves!!" they said, but it was too late. Which ever story is true doesn't really matter, but, Rudolph just isn't around anymore, theres hope that the South Pole can pull their weight a little more and send more shipements of whale blubber to prevent another famine.

The End

Merry Christmas

edit Or is it?

Some speculations are said that the infamous Rudolph was taken through a series of Elven Military tests, and later was equipped with the Lazor nose. The lazors fired from Rudolph's nose are typically a nuclear explosion compressed into a compact area. Eventually some people were brought to the attention of the silent killer reindeer, and published warnings, although they were meant to be subtle. The song "Santa Clause is coming to Town" is one of the subtle warnings meant not to alert the elven espionage agents. The warning is meant to be read as "You better watch out, (Rudolph may kill you) You better not cry, (Rudolph will make it more painful) You better not pout, (its plain rude) I'm telling you why, (listen you bunch of dunderheads!) Santa Clause is coming to Town." (and he wants to kill you.)

edit Trivia

  • It's a well known fact that Rudolph causes Toenail Fungus.
  • It is said that Rudolph's Red nose was not a natural thing, it was caused by mere allergies. He is said to be caught sniffing "snow" and "white powder" many times. This supports the many sleigh-wrecks caused by his short time with the reindeer.
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