Professional Kitten Huffing is the career of choice for thousands of excellently strong kitten huffers. Amateur kitten huffing is a vulgar, cheap imitation of the glory that is Pro Kitten Huffing. Pros use the cupped-hands method in training, but will eventually graduate to the much more difficult open-hand huff, and then will master the tube huff, spinning razor huff, and balloon huff to round out their repertoire. Professional kitten huffing is a dangerous and illegal sport everywhere, so professional kitten huffers are urged not to reveal their true identity, nor their affiliation with The Hoff, the God of KittenHoffism.
Pro Huffing Methods
1) Lift the kitten by its back paws. Careful, those claws are real!
2) Balance the centre of the kitten just between the palms, which should be vertically-oriented when one is fully prepared and the pre-huff stretching routine is followed exactly as outlined in So You Want to Huff Poor Defenceless Kittens And Make Money Doing It, the quintessential guide for the would-be kitten huffer, available by KH Press in 2007.
3) Open the hands slowly, extending the fingers skyward.
4) Inhale slowly and rhythmically. The kitten will squirm as its spirit is exorcised mercilessly from its corporeal form, but this deters not the experienced huffer. Plus, it fucks you up REAL good this way.
5) Exhale sharply the bad qi. Release the kitten gently.
The secrets of tube huffing are not known, but it is rumoured to require the use of a tube. A video of an experienced huffer attempting this method is available on the kitten huffing page.
Spinning razor/balloon huffing
The secrets of huffing in the two most difficult forms of ancient kitten huffing are supposed to get you "higher than otherwise possible in any situation with any combination of substances," according to the only openly professional kitten huffer, George Bush, Sr. These two methods require the acquisition of the legendary orange Tibetan shag-prince breed, and since the discovery of their potency the number of these beautiful animals in the wild has gone from 500 to 4. Two of the last three amateurs to unwisely attempt these methods died from kitten overdose.
This new and dangerously disorienting variation on huffing was devised by Oscar Wilde shortly after his invention of the antigravity Cat-Toast Device (see Murphy's law application for antigravitatory cats). The huffer glues a piece of buttered toast to the back of the kitten making it hover due to competing falling cat - Murphy's law of buttered toast forces. The kitten is then huffed, toast and all, making the huffer hover and rotate adding a whole new dimension to the huff. This comes with a dire warning though, every huffer who has attempted this with orange kittens has met a horrific death as they spin out of control eventually blacking out due to the g-forces induced.
Here are the top 3 huffs the world has to offer:
Tiny Orange Kittens
The fabled orange ones, the best you can get and you can tell from the price, do not accept imitations always get your orange kittens checked by an expert you don't want to be huffing a rat painted red!
The Hoff Huff
Huffing kittens from David Hasselhoff's chest hair has only been tried by a select club of celebrity huffers but is said to add a new and musty experience, don't let him tempt you with his puppy fetish though. Devoted Hoffers have a habit of becoming devotees of KittenHoffism, this entails wearing a red string bracelet and giving money to The Hoff, see Kittenhuffism below for more details.
The Cheetah Huff
The cheetah is the fastest land animal and huffing a cheetah kitten gives the fastest, scariest huff known to man. Imagine hurtling through a psychedelic wonderland at 100 kph with a desire for raw flesh and you're not even half way there. This is one for the thrill seeker everywhere. Scientists are still trying to ascertain what effect the spots have but frequent users have been known to give up striped and tabby varieties of kitten exclusively for ones with spots after a cheetah huff. The ancient Egyptians were big fans of the cheetah huff and are known to have had large collections of cheetahs on hand at any time to satisfy their wanton desire for speed spot huffing.
Top Tips from the Pros
Professional huffers let you in on their top tips for the best huff you'll ever have.
Getting Pure Kitten
The worst part of novice huffing is finding pure kitten. We all know the story, some guy in a club offers you a little bag of kittens, they all have smiley faces on them and he promises you a good time. You get home and check out your "kittens" only to find you have been given a selection of sundry other animals stuck together and painted to resemble kittens! Cunning dealers often use ocelots or other low grade feline products, do not accept alternatives!
A quick and easy method for testing for real kittens is to drop them in water, fake kittens will remain visible while real kittens become hard to see as their refractive index is similar to that of water.This is the same test that can be used on diamonds and has led to the theory that high quality kittens may be formed in a similar way, taking thousands of years of heat and pressure under the surface of the Earth. Isn't Nature marvellous!
You can also test kittens for quality by swinging them by their tails in crowded rooms, as the saying goes "there isn't room to swing a cat in here". If you can swing your "kitten" it is clearly fake, if you fail then it is the real deal, you better go somewhere quiet and get on with the huff.
Be wary of people you don't know offering you kittens, the best place to get kittens is from classified adds in local newspapers. Regular folk who have cats and are unaware of the kitten huffing phenomenon often give away premium kittens just so they don't have to look after them! You can take full advantage of these suckers by telling them you have a wonderfull, loving new home for all their unwanted little balls of fluff then selling them on to your fluff-head friends making a huge profit!
Finding the Right Place
The huffing hit should be taken in a safe place away from dangerous objects. Novices are often know to "huff-walk" if this happens the huffer should under no circumstances be woken or they may become irrevocably stuck in their huffing fantasy. Professional huffers always buddy up, huffing is a social activity after all. Make sure you have a couple of friends round and you can all ride the kitten together. Alternatively if you are a hermit, recluse or a friendless looser you can lock the doors and windows to your home providing you with that extra security. If you are such a fluff-head that you have spent all your money and are living on the street... how are you reading this?
Kittens should be kept as fresh as possible before huffing, however refrigeration is not recommended as this solidifies the kitten making it much harder to huff and slowing down the whole experience. Professionals keep their kittens in a special kitten storage device called a kittylitter. This is basically a climate controlled set of draws, a bit like a humidore where rich people (bastards) keep fat cigarettes, called cigars. Portable versions have hit the market recently allowing the man about town to take his supply of kittens with him for that sneaky huff between important meetings.
Remember that kittens must be fed and watered regularly to keep them at their best. You can also enjoy kittens before huffing them, they are fun to cuddle and play with. Personal favourites are dangling a bit of string in front of them and training them to form pyramids.
Real fluff-heads sometimes believe they have found God in a kitten huffing trip. This is the basis for the religion of Kittenhuffism and its small celebrity offshoot KittenHoffism. Members of this religion believe that salvation can be found through kitten huffing and a distressing number of professional huffers have ended their days this way. The easiest way to avoid this weird fate is to only huff recreationally as only true addicts end up this way.
As a side note KittenHoffism is growing in popularity, members are recognisable by the small red string bracelets they wear, their regular trips to Israel and the large amount of money they give to The Hoff. Notable celebrity members are Madonna, Demi Moore, Ashton Kutcher, Britney Spears and Roseanne, among others. The red string bracelet "is meant to show devotion to the mystical practice and to offer us protection from the very powerful negative energy of the evil eye" according to one source. There is even KittenHoffism Water for sale which has been blessed by The Hoff himself.