UnBooks:Pat Robertson's Christian Pocket Dictionary: Volume Deux
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any years ago, a book (no, not that one, but close) was released. This book would go on to become
a bestseller and become republished in 76 different languages. In summation, it was the greatest book ever made.
And God said: "Let there be volume 2!" That's right. Pat Robertson's Christian Pocket Dictionary: Volume Deux. Unlike the previous volume, PRCPDV2 will go places that no dictionary has gone before. Being co-written by Fred Phelps and illustrated by Jerry Falwell, this trio of Super Christians will change your life, and your underwear.
We promise, that if this book doesn't change your life for the better, that you can be assured that you will be spending the rest of eternity in hell.
700 Club - what Jesus would watch. On a side note, Terry Anne Meeuwsen is going directly to hell; she forgot to say "bless you" when Webb sneezed. Demon-bitch.
adultery [uh-duhl-tur-ee] (noun) - when one reaches adulthood; reaching full maturity.
Agnostic [fag-nos-dick] (noun) - what you get when you combine fags with faggots; a form of moral decaying super-fag who is "unsure" about religion, or "spiritual".
anal sex [eyn-l seks] (noun) - the sinful act of inserting one's genitals, fingers, cucumbers, bananas, pickles, dildos, pens, gerbils, enemas, flashlights, soda cans, beer bottles, clothes hangers, brush handles, or phone antennae up the anus, punishable by AIDS and plenty of other sexually transmitted diseases, which are only a taste of God's deserved wrath for those who partake in such a revolting and purposeless act.
Apocalypse [uh-pok-uh-lips] (noun) - the unpredictable end of the world, set to happen in 2069.
Arab [ar-uhb] (verb) - an action word, which simply means to blow up buildings and/or hijack airliners.
assassinate [uh-sas-uh-neyt] (verb) - see Hugo Chavez.
Atheist [ey-thee-ist] (noun) - any person who doesn't believe in God; namely: scientists, Native Americans, lawyers, actors, poor people, gays, non-Christians, Liberals, musicians, philosophers, Wikipedia,Uncyclopediansns...
bagel [bey-guhl] (noun) - a Jewish doughnut.
baptism [bap-tiz-uhm] (noun) - when you're dunked in water (also more commonly known as a "bath").
Baptist [bap-tist] (noun) - a super Christian; one who has been baptized.
Bible [bahy-buhl] (noun) - the holiest book ever made, as suggested by the fact that it can be found in hotel rooms all over the world. It's all true too. Know how I know? Because it says it's true. I need no more proof, for I am gullible.
Buddhism [boo-diz-uhm] (noun) - a completely made-up religion with some fat "leader", and being fat is a mortal sin unless you can leg press 2,000 lbs which I don't think Mr. "Rub My Belly For Good Luck" could. Fat-ass. Want more proof? Didn't think so.
buttsecks [buht-seks] - see anal sex.
censorship [sen-sir-ship] (noun) - when any statement or form of media is prevented from being distributed or heard by the public. For example, if I wanted to call Ali Khamenei a butt-fucking child rapist, it might be censored.
Christian [chris-chuhhhn] (noun) - one who is saved, faithful, and practices Christianity according to the Bible and who will reap their rewards posthumously as they live in the Kingdom of Heaven with God. Only if they're a Baptist Christian, that is. All other sects burn in hell.
church [ch-ur-ch] (noun) - every Sunday at 8:00.
Communion [kuh-myoon-yuhn] (noun) - either a tasty piece of Jesus or a sense of friendship or relationship with fellow Christians or the church.
Communism [kom-yuh-niz-uhm] (noun) - what happens when you have too many communions.
crucifixion [kroo-suh-fik-shuhn] (noun) - the way in which Christ died, which primarily consists of hanging from two large pieces of wood after having your hands or wrists and feet or ankles power-drilled wood itself. This is considered ironic because Jesus was a carpenter.
damnation [damn-nation] (noun) - being condemned to hell. A well-known example of the damned are sodomites. Currently, the only thing we have on Earth that is even remotely similar to damnation is MTV.
Dan Quayle [dan-kweyl] (noun) - famous politician, potatoe connoisseur, and infinite fountain of knowledge.
death penalty [deth pen-l-tee] (noun) - also known as "the sweet release of death" is a form of punishment that many in this nation are deserving of.
divine intervention [di-vahyn in-ter-ven-shuhn] (noun) - when God interferes in everyday life, which is always considering he made the Earth and everything we know of today. In retrospect, nothing separates divine intervention from reality.
enlightenment [in-lie-ten-mint] (noun) - gaining new knowledge, or to quote the late philosopher and monk Goa Tse:
|“||The foolish man remains closed and tight, the wise man stretches himself in every way.||”|
evolution [ev-uh-loo-shuhn] (noun) - a biological theory that has only been proved on the microbiological level, which was originally proposed by an Atheist; it attempts to erase our faith with "facts".
excommunicated [ex-commune-ick-hated] (noun) - what happens when you miss church on Sunday (that, and damnation).
Evangelicalism [eve-van-gel-ick-all-ism] (noun) - one word: awesome.
fag [fag] (noun) - a gay person.
fag burning [fag burn-ing] (noun/verb) - setting the above on fire.
faith [fay-th] (noun) - a logical and rational approach to religion, science, and all aspects of life.
feminism [fem-uh-niz-uhm] (noun) - a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.
Fred Phelps [fa-red fell-psssss] (adjective) - what the hip kids say when they talk about something cool.
gay [ghey] (noun) - a happy fag.
global warming [gloh-buhl wôrm-ing] (noun) - lies.
God [god] - see Pat Robertson.
Heaven [hev-uhn] (noun) - God's kingdom, and a place where only the righteous can go. And by the righteous, I mean only those who God doesn't hate.
Hebrew [he-brew] (noun) - language of the Jews which sounds a lot like German, the only exception being that in order to speak Hebrew, you have to shove a stapler down your windpipe.
Hell [hel] (noun) - the opposite of Heaven.
Hugo Chavez [ee-vuhl] - see assassinate.
intelligent design [in-tel-i-juhnt di-zahyn] (noun) - God made everything. God is, was, and always will be. Sometimes it's good to be close-minded; if you're open-minded, your brains might leak out. Brains were also designed by God.
Iraq [eye-rack] (noun) - the world's largest market, known for its excellent shooting ranges, tanning salons, BBQs, and hospitality.
Jerry Falwell [jare-ee fall-well] (noun) - current prophet and reincarnated thirteen apostle; destined to battle the Antichrist. He also happens to be one of the few remaining descendents of Jesus himself, and has direct communication with God via telepathic communication which he acquired after a freak accident when he was 12 years old in which he was impaled with a burning cross during the Battle of Jehovah. He also spits holy water.
Jew [joo] (noun) - somebody who doesn't watch the 700 Club.
King of the Jews [king uhv thuh joos] - see Jesus Christ.
love [luhv] (noun/verb) - an emotion which is mistaken for sex 90% of the time.
leg press [leg pres] (noun) - an exercise routine which I have mastered; I can leg press 2,000 lbs. No shit.
leukemia [loo-kee-mee-uh] (noun) - God's punishment for all of the immoral sodomy on Earth.
man [man] (noun) - penis-bearing homosapiens created in God's image. That's right, God has a penis; God is a male.
marriage [mar-ij] (noun) - what happens when you forget to leave the next morning.
Mormons [more-mons] (noun) - Utah's state bird, most-known for sharing multiple partners and spreading their stupidity all over the place in their white polo shirts. Their name is a derivative of "morons".
Moses [moh-zes] (noun) - famous Jew who couldn't swim, so he just decided to split the water with ease. Unfortunately, he left his map in Egypt, and got lost in the desert for a few years.
Muhammad [moo-hah-med] (noun) - a late warlord and tyrant who created and spread a system of hostile and tyrannical cult-like beliefs known as "Islam".
New Testament [noo tes-tuh-muhnt] (noun) - like the Old Testament, only not.
Pagans [pey-guhnz] (noun) - I'm sure you are all familiar with the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who stays awake all night wondering if there is a Dog...
Pastor [pas-ter] (noun) - head clergy member of a Christian church; tends to be the only one who knows what he's talking about during sermons (not to be confused with a Priest who rapes children).
Pat Robertson [pat rob-ert-suhn] - see God.
polygamy [puh-lig-uh-mee] - see Mormons.
Pope [pohp] (noun) - a really old Catholic guy who says a lot of stuff around Easter time. Most of his power is religious, considering Vatican City is a shit-hole excuse for a country. He always looks like he has cerebral palsy. Although the role of "Pope" has changed over the years, one thing is for sure: every Pope is required to say something to offend a group of people in the world, and then later apologize for it. This is a requirement for the job.
Prophet [praw-feht] (noun) - somebody who has, by definition, directly encountered God, whether it be through a great vision or sharing an elevator with him.
Protestants [prot-uh-stuhnt] (noun) - yawn. To be honest with you, nobody really cares. This isn't the 15th century.
religion [ri-lij-uhn] (noun) - there is speculation as to what exactly can be defined as "religion". In my perspective, Christianity is the only religion, so we'll leave it at that (we don't want to offend anybody now).
Rapture [rap-cher] (noun) - when God decides to retire, end the world, and calls all of the saved Christians up to heaven. Everybody else gets to live through the Apocalypse (those lucky ducks).
repent [ri-pent] (verb) - a futile attempt to redeem one's sins. It has been scientifically proven that this is ineffective. You're still going to hell, sinners.
salvation [sal-vey-shuhn] (noun) - avoiding Hell by being scared into acting appropriately and abiding the Commandments.
saved [seyv-ehd] (adjective/verb) - when you accept Jesus Christ into your heart as Lord and Savior, and thus become incapable of logical reasoning.
sermon [sir-men] (noun) - an oration by a clergy member (not to be confused with semen).
sex [seks] (noun) - another term for "gender". Any other definition of the term is immoral and perverted, and thus a sin.
sin [sin] (noun) - anything that'll get you in big trouble with Mr. G.
sinner [sin-er] (noun) - gee, I dunno. Some bastard who sins?
tribulation [trib-yuh-ley-shuhn] (noun) - a seven year period in between the Rapture and the Apocalypse in which the Antichrist will rule the world. All will be well until Star Trek is canceled, then all Hell breaks loose (literally). Oh, and the 700 Club will be canceled long before this though (sometime after the Rapture).
Ten Commandments [ten kuh-mand-muhntz] (noun) - a list of commandments that must be abided by in order to achieve salvation; copyright violations and patents are currently pending.
wetbacks [wet-baks] (noun) - a person of Latino decent with many skills, such as breaking into cars, social security fraud, and being able to live on below minimum wage.
women [woom-uhn] (noun) - the recessive gender in society today; can survive on daytime television and Midol. Their role in society has been insignificant as suggested by the fact that they are made out of dirt (so says the Bible).