UnBooks:Official Informational Guide to the 2008 Beijing Olympics Games

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 12:15, August 10, 2008 by DJ Irreverent (talk | contribs)

Jump to: navigation, search
200px-Beijing 2008

Welcoming to the Official Guide to the 2008 Beijing Olympics Games (known in the Canada as Olympische Informatie van Peking 2008), I will be of providing information pertaining to upcoming Olympic in understandable languages, for your understandability, taking place soon!

We are of much honored that you have made choice to buy this definitive guide to 2008 Beijing Olympic, thank you. You will not be disappointing!

In this booklet you will be finding much information on:
1. Times, Events and Location
2. Things to be doing
3. Local Customs and legal
4. Maps, glossy picture
5. Different language
5a. Enjoyment

Important! Things to be knowing before use of booklet:

  • Do not be exposing booklet to naked or otherwise indecent flame.
  • Only be reading in safely lit area, or cause eye destruction.
  • Be of the stationary position when operating booklet.

Introduction

As you are already knowing, there is great Olympics occurring in pleasant city of Beijing. Glorious nation of China is very much honored to be hosting such lovely event and will be enjoying your visitation. There will be much great events happening; from ancestor culture display to spontaneous military parade. You will be forced to having much fun!

Disclaim!

Please to be remember that the Party prefers to keep enjoyment responsible and indecent free (no sex situation), according to local custom, please. Keep happiness and other emotions in designated areas, please.

Designated enjoyment locations:

  • Park directly opposing stadium location
  • Lo-Ping’s Karaoke Bar
  • Peoples’ Plaza Closed to public
  • Vietnam

Olympics Games!

300px-Beijing National Stadium

Please be admiring with jaw in open position!

The Olympics event will start operation with ceremony of opening on 8th of August, 8th -there will be much partying and amusing during this time. Olympic stadium is of great wonder of intelligent designing – it is building of many amazement, appearing like delicious nest of cave swallow! Constructed of Chinese ingenuity, manpower and lead paint, it makes astounding location to be starting Olympic-like events!

The opening ceremony will put expression of utter awe on your face; a homage to China's long and ponderous past and bright blossoming future, it will featuring traditional dancing, amazing special effects, inspiration music and glorious cross promotion.

Following will be 16 days of amazing sporting compete, showcasing the best of human strength, human agility and human growth hormone!

Sporting

The Beijing Olympics Games will see gracious competition taking place in several differing disciplines, over 16 separate days, at many beautiful location. World record will fall like cherry blossom in spring!

All the traditional Olympics event will be occurring; Running, Gymnastic, Swim, Boating, Team-Games, Stick Jumping, Doping and Tight Pant Wearing. Beside these glorious events will be several pleasant new ones debuting at the Beijing Olympic.


  • BMX Cycle
    - Nothing is more greater entertainment than watching man ride tiny bike. Up and down, flips, make bike fly like golden eagle in chase; to perfect BMX cycle takes the patience of a ox, the deft hand of the virgin weaver and the matted hair of the stoner. Glorious Stadium of the BMX has been equipped with all modern spectator needs; cycle pit, edibles pit and excrement pit. May the "sick shit" be commencing!


  • Water-boarding
    - We are proud to be announcing first Olympic competition in ancient Chinese aquatic sport of waterboarding. Waterboarding currently has many million supporter within People's Republic of China and a very vigorous local scene, meaning competitor selection will be very of the difficult and will likely come down to karaoke contest. The American team is suspected to be big challenge, thanks to much experience and extensive training camp in Cuba. For your comfort we have built state of the artistic stadium, seating over 30,000 spectator or 20 CIA agent. With 20 giant screen and counterfeit iPod compatible seat, you will not be missing none of the enjoyment!


Many past and current Olympics champions are expected to return for Olympic competition and buffet discount coupon, out to defend their titles and receive more glorious endorsement dollars!

Spectator will see patriotic battle for right to wear Gold medal and endorse glorious vitamin pills - May you also be seeing many great victories by new and elderly champions alike!

For Your Enjoyability!

300px-Beijing 2008 Tiananmen Square1

Please be making sounds of happy when observing this picture.

We are all skittish as the aging husband of a teenage bride, awaiting your visitation. We have made city pleasant, all for your maximum happiness, even the children like people are working to make your pleasant stay completely memorable!

  • Children can be deposited at various sites around the city for period of Olympics. They will be occupying with pleasant activities such as handcraft, television watching and sock manufacture.
  • Each visitor will be provided with 2 exquisite Chinese maids for the duration of Olympics. If maid is gossipy or otherwise defective, please take her to nearest distributer and exchange for newer model or store credit.
  • The party has removed all undesirables from the vicinity of the Olympic site; you will not be troubled by the poor, retardeds, the undead, people who speak to loudly on their mobile phones or wearers of an hair piece.
  • To prevent the invasion of smog during the Olympic times, the party is using the most state of the art technologies available at present time, now. These include; cloud seeding, wind creation, pumping all smog to Taiwan and erecting strongly worded signs - Please do not be entering this area, you will be irritate competitor's lungs and companies share price, thank you.
  • Beijing Olympics will be the first truly "green" Olympics, even water is glow green! We have taken message of energy conservation to heart - all light bulbs and other illuminative devices will be reclaimed and released into specially created reserves around the Olympic site. Visitors will be able to marvel at the spectacular 60 Watt Light Globe in its natural environment and know that future generations will be able to do so in the future!


Mascot
Cymbal
100px-Friendlies Huanhuan Huan Huan - Symbolizes the passion of China, inspiring all people to go higher, be stronger and sew faster. His Olympic torch shine over all China, particularly Taiwan. Sayings - I are watching you!
100px-Friendlies Jingjing Jingjing - Symbolizes the glorious ingenuity and drive of the Chinese people for progress, no matter the humanitarian or environment cost. Sayings - Move fowarding!
100px-Friendlies Nini Nini - Symboling unquenchable Chinese desire for beautiful, exquisite western money. Sayings - Nini want your American Dollar
100px-Friendlies Beibei Baibai - Symbolize the glorious ability of the Chinese people to make improved version of everything on the planet. Sayings - It are 100% real iPod, fully legal.
100px-Friendlies Yingying Ying Ying - Just there to be making up the numbers. Plus he has a funny hat. Sayings - I am product of corporate greed!

Acceptable Conduct

For the utmost enjoyment of all spectator we would appreciate you to follow these simple yet complex instructions for actions to be taken in specific situations that may present themselves during sport-like observing.

Seatings

When making your attendance at events we would appreciate you to keep volume at a acceptable level and refrain from taking part in rowdy chanting. For your viewing pleasure we have divide crowd into 4 section; Placid, Involved, Rowdy and Australians – please seat in section which applies to you. If you find yourself in an area that does not apply to you, please vacate yourself immediately, if not sooner.

Toiletry

If you are in need of bladder emptying or other bodily disposal, please excuse yourself to wash closet or designated urine wall. Wash closets are separated into the man and female section, please be making your way to the one that apply to your situation.

Cardiac Problem

If you are feeling the need to be having cardiac arrest, make your way quietly to signposted ailments room and allow heart to cease operation there; if you can not reach the signposted ailments room, do please not disturb pleasure of fellow spectators while ceasing living.

Livestock

If animal becomes rampant within Olympic venue, please make way serenely to back of stands and panic quietly, without disrupting fellow spectator panicking. To prevent such situation, special animal storage and feeding[1] buildings will be erect outside the Olympic Park.

Automotive

For duration of the Olympics, visitors will be able to drive on whichever side of the road they desire to reduce gridlock, locals will still be directed to keep to the left side and footpath. Please be remembering when taking part in automotive-like activities to always sound your horn before overtaking, turning, pulling out, pulling in, changing lanes or sounding your horn; this helps reduce confusion and unhappy altercations.

Symbolism

For helping unliterate tourist, we have made a range of symbols identifying the location of different sporting and toiletry events, in simple and discrete manner;

Athletics 2008

  • Jackie Chan films shown here - Please be running like the hare in late spring.

Softball 2008

  • Caution. Karaoke Bars next 100 meters.

Wrestling 2008

  • Designated industry waste dumping location.

Organs beijing08

  • Falun Gong quality organs sold here.

Rowing 2008

  • Quality sports gear direct from making.

Shooting 2008

  • Secret human rights abuses occurring here - Please do not be telling UN.

Events and Locating

Map
Venues map
No. Venue Sporting
1 Pool Center Swim
2 Olympics Stadium Running and assorted field activity
3 People’s Stadium Communal Sports
4 House of Wheel Sports Peddle and tight pant wearing
5 No Enter! Guns
6 Mock Asian Temple (with monks) Judo/Taekwando
7 Closet of Watering Doping
~ Non-Sporting Attractions Description
8 Panda Sanctuary See Pandas!
9 Panda Sleeping Pens See Pandas... Sleeping!
10 Panda gift shop Buy Panda!
11 Worker going for World record of longest night shift 146 hours and counting
12 Cleaning lady assembly line Trade in defective cleaners here
13 Forbidden city for UN inspectors No photos!

Contacting

EXTREME IMPORTANT! MUST READING!

所有资本家猪将被夺取和概略地将被执行。并且, 尝试鸡!


If you are encounter language difficulty or other unforeseen error, do please call free assisting number:

1800 888 889 (charge at flat rate of $4 per minute)

If paper is replacing by bag of powder-like powder, please be returning to supplier immediate!

For purchase of this book you receive enjoyable 15% discount on next acquisition; please do be buying more informational booklet from us in foreseeable future, thank you.


  1. *Deep fryer not provided, seek relevant authorities if wok is nonexistent.

190px-Featured.png

Potatohead aqua Featured Article  (read another featured article) Featured version: 6 March 2008
This article has been featured on the front page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.
<includeonly>Template:FA/06 March 2008Template:FA/2008</includeonly>
Personal tools
projects