Welcoming to the Official Guide to the 2008 Beijing Olympics Games (known in the Canada as Olympische Informatie van Peking 2008), I will be of providing information pertaining to upcoming Olympic in understandable languages, for your understandability, taking place soon!
We are of much honored that you have made choice to buy this definitive guide to 2008 Beijing Olympic, thank you. You will not be disappointing!
- 1. Times, Events and Location
- 2. Things to be doing
- 3. Local Customs and legal
- 4. Maps, glossy picture
- 5. Different language
- 6. Enjoyment
Important! Things to be knowing before use of booklet:
- Do not be exposing booklet to naked or otherwise indecent flame.
- Only be reading in safely lit area, or cause eye destruction.
- Be of the stationary position when operating booklet.
- Do not have sexual intercourse with this book while on fire as dictated by rule one. In fact, no sex for anyone.
As you are already knowing, there is great Olympics occurring in pleasant city of Beijing. Glorious nation of China is very much honored to be hosting such lovely event and will be enjoying your visitation. There will be much great events happening; from ancestor culture display to spontaneous military parade. You will be forced to having much fun!
The Olympics event will start pooping operation with ceremony of opening on 8th of August, 8th -there will be much partying and amusing during this time. Olympic stadium is of great wonder of intelligent designing – it is building of many amazement, appearing like delicious nest of cave swallow! Constructed of Chinese ingenuity, manpower and lead paint, it makes astounding location to be starting Olympic-like events!
The opening ceremony will put expression of utter awe on even the most aweless face of desensitized child; a homage to China's long and ponderous past and bright blossoming future, it will featuring traditional dancing, amazing special effects, inspiration music and glorious cross promotion.
Following will be 16 days of amazing sporting compete, showcasing the best of human strength, human agility and human growth hormone!
The Beijing Olympics Games will see gracious competition taking place in several differing disciplines, over 16 separate days, at many beautiful location. World record will fall like cherry blossom in spring!
All the traditional Olympics event will be occurring; Running, Gymnastic, Swim, Boating, Team-Games, Stick Jumping, Doping and Tight Pant Wearing. Beside these glorious events will be several pleasant new ones debuting at the Beijing Olympic.
- BMX Cycle- Nothing is more greater entertainment than watching man ride tiny bike. Up and down, flips, make bike fly like golden eagle in chase; to perfect BMX cycle takes the patience of a ox, the deft hand of the virgin weaver and the matted hair of the stoner. Glorious Stadium of the BMX has been equipped with all modern spectator needs; cycle pit, edibles pit and excrement pit. May the "sick shit" be commencing!
- Water-boarding- We are proud to be announcing first Olympic competition in ancient Chinese aquatic sport of waterboarding. Waterboarding currently has many million supporter within People's Republic of China and a very vigorous local scene, meaning competitor selection will be very of the difficult and will likely come down to karaoke contest. The American team is suspected to be big challenge, thanks to much experience and extensive training camp in Cuba. For your comfort we have built state of the artistic stadium, seating over 30,000 spectator or 20 CIA agent. With 20 giant screen and counterfeit iPod compatible seat, you will not be missing none of the enjoyment!
Many past and current Olympics champions are expected to return for Olympic competition and buffet discount coupon, out to defend their titles and receive more glorious endorsement dollars!
Spectator will see patriotic battle for right to wear Gold medal and endorse glorious vitamin pills - May you also be seeing many great victories by new and elderly champions alike!
For Your Enjoyability!
We are all skittish as the aging husband of a teenage bride, awaiting your visitation. We have made city pleasant, all for your maximum happiness, even the children like people are working to make your pleasant stay completely memorable!
- Children can be deposited at various sites around the city for period of Olympics. They will be occupying with pleasant activities such as handcraft, television watching and sock manufacture.
- Each visitor will be provided with 2 exquisite Chinese maids for the duration of Olympics. If maid is gossipy or otherwise defective, please take her to nearest distributor and exchange for newer model or store credit.
- The party has removed all undesirables from the vicinity of the Olympic site; you will not be troubled by the poor, retardeds, the undead, people who speak to loudly on their mobile phones or wearers of an hair piece.
- To prevent the invasion of smog during the Olympic times, the party is using the most state of the art technologies available at present time, now. These include; cloud seeding, pumping all smog to Taiwan, a ban on respiration each alternate day and erecting strongly worded signs - Please do not be entering this area, you will be irritate competitor's lungs and companies share price, thank you.
- Beijing Olympics will be the first truly "green" Olympics, even water is glow green! We have taken message of energy conservation to heart - all light bulbs and other illuminative devices will be reclaimed and released into specially created reserves around the Olympic site. Visitors will be able to marvel at the spectacular 60 Watt Light Globe in its natural environment and know that future generations will be able to do so in the future!
For helping unliterate tourist, we have made a range of symbols identifying the location of different sporting and toiletry events, in simple and discrete manner;
Events and Locating
EXTREME IMPORTANT! MUST READING!
If you are encounter language difficulty or other unforeseen error, do please call free assisting number:
1800 888 889 (charge at flat rate of $6 per minute)
If paper is replacing by bag of powder-like powder, please be returning to supplier immediate!
For purchase of this book you receive enjoyable 15% discount on next acquisition; please do be buying more informational booklet from us in foreseeable future, thank you.
Let's make one's best effort everyone!
- ↑ *Deep fryer not provided, seek relevant authorities if wok is nonexistent.
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