UnBooks:Memoirs of a Midget

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edit Chapter 2

PO TAE TOES

The midget didn’t know where he was or how he got there, but he knew he needed to leave. The circus isn’t friendly to midget males with large breasts, especially in Yugoslavia. Ever since the rebellion, midgets were being hunted along the Rhine like rabbits or kittens. He escaped with his accomplice Timothy Baggins, an AIDS-infested exile and former uncle of Spiro Agnew, who only had fourteen francs and a Spice Girls t-shirt (and matching manties). Also there was Chieftain Walden. He didn’t fit into the equation but nonetheless was on the journey with the others. Born and raised in the Los Angeles wilderness, he escaped witchcraft only to spend his life copying the Star-Spangled Banner with his uncle Mordechai. Finally there was one mutated baby. Three-armed Arnie liked to dance and sell lemonade. It was night now which meant the Kitten Crusade was near, meowing and launching doo-doo out of their kitty-cannons. But that didn’t worry Timothy, Chieftain Walden, or three-armed Arnie. The voices were back.

edit Chapter 3

It was midnight now and the sun was falling fast. The milk had expired long ago and the only sound to be heard was twelve-year-old Timothy Baggins whistling John Mayer’s “Your Body is a Wonderland” through his cleft lip and dental braces. Timothy Baggins had spent most of his life in an insane asylum, but quit his job as a dishwasher there to pursue his true interest: origami bumblebee-people. Meanwhile three-armed baby Arnie was sucking away at his gag ball, dancing his little transplanted heart out. And the midget, well, a sweet, gentle, beautiful tear came out of his left eye as he came to the realization for the first time that, at forty-seven years old, he would probably never hit his growth spurt. They could now hear the kittens meowing in the distance, so they knew that they would need to get going early the next morning before the kittens found them and ripped their bowels out like yarn from a yarnball. So everyone slept as quiet as a mouse—a dead mouse, and the next morning they packed up all their belongings and accepted the fact that they probably would never be returning home in the next twenty minutes.

edit Chapter Brown

Who knew one could giggle himself to death? Chief Walden’s father, Shaquille Walden, died of intermittent giggle disorder. Walden hated his childhood. His sister, Justice, was blind. She had an unsuccessful paper route and eventually married Condoleeza Rice. Walden married a crack dealer, Dora, known on the streets as “The Explora”. They lived on a ranch in Nevada where they sold babies and other such refrigerated goods out of their basement. This chapter of his life ended when the babies painted themselves orange and rebelled against Walden. The babies blew up the ranch and dismembered young Dora. Her detached head looked like a cross between David Hasselhoff and a retarded albino squirrel. Later that year the tests came back as positive as the slope of y=x3 (except at the origin). Chief Walden was pregnant.

edit Chapter 6: Memoirs of a Midget

(The midget knew that the Internet was a dangerous place. He went on an Internet dating service and got paired up with SEXYGURL687, a “Siberian yeti tracker with a strong passion for vegetables”. But SEXYGURL687 was actually a burly, 330-pound elderly man riding a unicycle with training wheels.)

"I thought she was a real nice girl until she tried to lock me in the closet and rub peanut butter all over myself. Then I knew it was either time to get away or to get busy. So I got busy and got that peanut butter working! But what really freaked me out was when she started rubbing jelly all over herself and suggested that we get together between two large pieces of bread. That’s when I knew that she was the love of my life, but that our love could never blossom because of the strong allergic reactions I get from jelly (on my pee pee). I told Bohnqueesha that I needed to leave, and when she tried to chase me I shoved an issue of Ranger Rick between the spokes of her unicycle and she fell right on her 103-year-old face. So I took the batteries out of her LifeAlert system and escaped out of the doggy door. A bittersweet giggle was the sound of victory."

edit Chapter 11b: Little Merman

Arnie got the rash again, except this time the green bumps only bloodied his left thigh. If he didn’t skinny dip in a highly caffeinated drink, he would not be able to control his body contortions or his sexual desires toward Chief Walden. So the men packed up the caravan and skateboarded to the Red Bull Sea. When they arrived, Timothy was crying again, and it was evident from the turd rolling down his knee that he had yet again pooped his pants. The gang ran into the sea, but no further than three feet deep. They did not want the midget to drown the same way his auntie Tre’shell Lawanda Lapetite had. The rash dissipated which meant it was time. Time to end this thing once and for all in a pillow-fight for the ages.

edit Pillow Fight for the Ages

The midget played dirty. He was completely covered in mud. The old naked referee disqualified young Baggins right off the bat for using a harpoon smeared with his own feces instead of a pillow. Arnie had a distinct defensive advantage over the midget and Walden because of his third arm, which protruded from his forehead. But Chieftain Walden refused to give up as he realized that it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s the outcome of the game. So he picked up the midget and hurled him at little Arnie, who immediately palmed the midget in his third hand and wrapped a pillowcase around its head. The midget passed out and remained in a persistent vegetative state for several seconds, being kept alive in the meantime by a feeding tube administered by Larry, a Peruvian gladiator.


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