UnBooks:I Married an Elite
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Is it wrong to follow your heart? Typically, many people think I'm crazy, but I'm not. I know he and I are different species that live on different planets, but that shouldn't matter. We both had something in common: love. This is my story about how I met him, and the many adventures we had together.
edit Chapter 1: Dating Again
I'd began dating again after my last boyfriend dumped me for another woman who, according to my boyfriend, had "a bigger, better trunk" than me, as well "more money than I could make in a century". I was so heart broken, it actually almost killed me. Seriously, my mother said that I had to be rushed to the hopsital. It was just too much for me to handle; being dumped just because another woman had better assets and wealth was something no girl should experience. Luckily, I managed to get my revenge. One night while he was asleep I went to his room and gave him a bad haircut. After that I went to his sports car and placed a nice present for him to get in the morning; A nice package of C4. No, I did not kill him. I wouldn't go that far. I just wanted him to be awake to see his precious sixty hundred million dollar sports car suddenly ignight in a burning fire ball. Yeah, you can say I went too far, but after what he did to me I just wanted to return the favor. He wasn't a good boyfriend anyway. He never lets me drive his car, I always have to pick up after him, and he always prefers to hang out with his stupid gang of friends rather than joining me on my family reunions. So I guess one way or another, our reltionship was not bound to last. As a matterof fact, I'm actually happy now that he's out of my life. I feel like a free woman now. Yet now I was without a man in my life, but I rather die single then find out what life would be like if we had married. But enough about him, this story isn't about him. Baack to the subject at hand.
In my entire life I have had dated about twelve guys, but not at the same time mind you, and none of those relationships went anywhere. Six of them (including my previous boyfriend) dumped me for other women, though at least the other five weren't that mean about it. Two of those guys were actually homosexual, to my suprise, and just used me to flirt with my guy friends. Let's just say they came home in plaster and I.V. I've dated nerds bfore (two to be exact), and appearantly they prefer doing things that involved science than doing actual dating. One boyfriend was apparently depressed and was founded in his house with a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head. And I did had a relationship with a guy who specialized in monster hunting, but that did't last because he unfortuantly got eaten by zombies. And to top it off, I don't believed any of those guys actually loved me, or truly loved me. Well that monster hunter actually had, too bad he's dead now. So now I am looking for a man who would love me and who'll never leave me or cheat on me or use the "I'm a man" shit. And I do not want some lazy ass guy who does nothing but sit in a chair watching football all day and constantly refusing to work around the house for me. I'd been looking on dating sites, ads on TV, and in newspaper classifieds. I was surprised how hard it was to find someone. So far I had found no one that fit's my expectations. But I wasn't going to give up hope.
edit Chapter 2: Love At First Sight
I later decided that the Internet was the worst way to get a man because there are stalkers, liars, jokers, and people who post cool pictures of other people instead of themselves. So, I decided to go to a bar and convince a nice man to buy me a drink. So I went to his bar called the Love Shot and waited for awhile. None of the guys would come up to me and make conversation, they'd rather talk to the other women in the bar. What do they have that I don't? I was an attractive woman with nice brown hair and a nice body. I'd started to give up hope when someone came in. He was not human, as a matter of fact he was an alien called an Elite. His species and mine were once at war, but then became allies. I looked at him, and suddenly, I had that funny feeling inside of me. "He would never be interested in me," I thought, but he then ordered two beers and came up to me, saying "Why are you sitting all by yourself?" I paused, but said, "Just here for a good time." He gave me one of the beers and we started chatting.
edit Chapter 3: The Park
The next day, I saw him at the park. We chatted a little and got to know each other. We fed the ducks, saw little kids going down the slide, and skipped rocks in the water. He had one of those weird alien names, so I just called him Vlad. Apparently, this was our first date. I didn't feel weird about it because I dated an alien before. He pushed me on the swing, but pushed too hard (elites have super strength) and I flew into the pond. We just laughed, and he got me a towel. Then when it became late he bought me some ice cream.
"Before we take our relationship more seriously, can you do me a favor?" I asked.
"Sure, what?" he replied.
"Can you meet my parents?"
edit Chapter 4: Parents
Later, I was at my parents' house, telling them about Vlad. I was sure to give them a warning about him being an alien. The last time I'd had an alien over they freaked out, but now they knew about Vlad's species. As Vlad was coming to the door, the neighbors saw him and screamed, thinking he was going to eat them.
"That must be Vlad," I said, "Please try to be nice to him."
"Don't worry, we'll be on our best behavior," my mom said. "Right Harold?"
"Right, as long as he doesn't drink all my beer," my dad said.
I walked to the door and opened it saying, "Hi Vlad, come on in." Vlad entered and greeted my parents.
"So, do you to plan to give me grandkids?" asked my mom. I was so embarrassed.
"Mom!" I said, while Vlad laughed. Then Mom and I got dinner ready while Vlad and dad watched the football game.
"They seem to get along," I said, "Dad hasn't got out his gun yet." Or it was probably because dad didn't have anything for an Elite.
edit Chapter 5: Fight
One day Vlad and I got in our first and only fight. We were arguing about how the T.V. got broken. He got very mad and stormed out of the house,knocking down an old lady, while I stormed to my bedroom. Two hours later I cooled down, but became depressed. It was stupid for us to fight over a broken T.V. set. I feared he had left me for good, but actually he just went on his space cruiser and destroyed twelve nerd conventions to get rid of his anger, because when Elites are angry they become aggressive. He didn't want to harm me, so he took his rage out on an entire alien city by firing a large plasma beam from his large Assualt Carrier. After he cooled down he bought me a lot of roses and said, "Let's never fight again." I agreed, and we never did fight after that.
edit Chapter 6: His Family
Vlad wanted me to meet his parents on his homeworld. Well, since I'd wanted him to meet my parents, I decided I could see his. So we got in his space cruiser and headed off to his home planet. When we got there, I was amazed by the landscape, the trees, everything. When we approached his house we saw his mother and father waiting outside. I was a bit nervous, but Vlad told me they were very nice, except for his grandfather who was often a bit cranky. His parents gave me a warm welcome and offered me some coffee.
"It's nice that Vlad had found someone special in his life," said his mother. His father looked very tough looking, as if he fought in many battles in his time. Then, his grandfather came in and yelled, "Where the hell is my coffee?" to which Vlad's father replied, "Shut up you old hag or I'll shoot you in space!"
"Don't worry, that's how he acts with his medicine," Vlad told me, "And he sleeps most of the time. You'll get used to him, if dad doest kill him first." I laughed.
edit Chapter 7: Proposal
We were at a party on my birthday. My parents wanted me to have a good time so they threw it for me. Vlad and his parents came, and a lot of my friends came as well. We were having a good time, hitting piñatas, eating cake and ice cream, and opening presents. Then Vlad took me in the back and we danced. Then he did something I will always remember; he knelt down and proposed to me. He had a ring with a stone from an asteroid. I was shocked and stood silent like a gargoyle for 2 minutes, then I said yes. Everyone was so happy for me, as now I finally found someone to love me and become my husband.
edit Chapter 8: Marriage
Everybody prepared for the day of the wedding. My grandparents were so happy for me; they gave me a lot of hugs and grandpa told me how he met my grandma. My mom helped me find a wedding dress while Vlad's dad was helped him find wedding armor. Then before you know it, it was the day of our marriage.
It took place in a nice church. I was a bit nervous; this was a big thing for me. Vlad wasn't nervous — his race doesn't know fear. My family and friends were on the right; Vlad's family and friends on the left. After the ring boy and the flower girl came, that's when I come in, as an old lady played that wedding song. Then the preacher did all that things a preacher does in a wedding. But when it came to the "I do", my ex boyfriend — who was dumped by that whore because I'd destroyed his car and hair — wanted revenge. He stormed in and pulled out a gun. He missed me because my dad saved me, but a bullet hit my dad's arm. Angered, Vlad took out his Energy Sword and stabbed him in the stomach.
"Who the hell was that?" Vlad asked.
"Just some asshole," I replied. We said our 'I do' and kissed. Well, I kissed him on his head because he has maibles instead of a human mouth. We got in his space cruiser, with our parents and his grandpa (who was asleep) and waved goodbye as we took off to go to Naboo for our honeymoon. I bet a lot of you women are jealous now. Well, when you find an alien boyfriend of your own, perhaps you'll have the same adventure I had.