UnBooks:Hot Japanese Girls - Colourblind or Unable to Speak English?

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A picture of the author, Henry Petty-Fitzmaurice, no doubt drawn in mid-'hot Japanese girls' fantasising.

Hot Japanese Girls - Colourblind or Unable to Speak English? is a book written by Henry Charles Keith Petty-Fitzmaurice, 5th Marquess of Lansdowne, KG, GCSI, GCMG, GCIE, PC, upon his return from the land of the 'rising sun' in the summer of 1906, an event marked by the signing of the Anglo-Japanese Alliance Treaty. The book brought controversy to both home and abroad (Japan anyway), as it lead to the abrupt end of the treaty, and worse, Petty-Fitzmaurice's promising career in writing, not to mention his marriage.

The book dicusses, as in the title, whether attractive Japanese women are colourblind or just can't speak English at all, a question inspired by a meeting with a Japanese female with a particularly confusing item of clothing, a blue top with the words "I ♥ Pink" on the front. The chapters contain a full Japanese experience through the eyes of Petty-Fitzmaurice, during the aformentioned stay in Tokyo in 1906, including saucier Japanese extra-maritial affairs than Lost in Translation.


Chapter One - An Introduction

As with most girls, a vast majority hot Japanese girls are actually fictional. Anyone familar with the common memes of Japanese culture (Sushi, seppuku, sex in kimomos) would instantly recognise manga/anime. It is from within this popular Japanese art that 95% of all lonely men in Japan find the girls they want to elope with. Whether they are underage or some kind of hypnotic guardian of tentacle rape or whatever. The other 5% fight hard for the hot Japanese girls who are, in fact, real. They must struggle to even get their attention, as these girls are desperately trying to catch a nice husband from the west.

To even succeed in such a venture, these girls must speak the English. However, some girls may choose to learn whatever English words they see in the Akiba district of Tokyo, or to be even more extreme, simply purchase cute clothing with 'cool' English words on the front.

Chapter Two - A Chance Meeting

Iloveeeepink

Hinano-chan. I persuaded her to get out of the hotel bed and wear the shirt she wore when we met. You can see the emblazened line, "I ♥ Pink", despite the blueness of the shirt. (Picture courtesy of my wallet)

It was, in fact, in Akiba that I met my Hinano.

Hinano was a magnificent girl. I loved her every bit and niche and chagrin. Her laugh, her smile, her eyes, she was so just, and beautiful, so splendid and pe- I'm sorry. I met Hinano two days into my stay in Tokyo, in a curious newsagents called a 'hentai shop'. I was flipping through the pages and reading about a splendid Japanese High School of what I presumed was The Guardian. My engrossing read was disturbed, but without dismay by the inherent sound of a light titter from behind me. I curtailed my page-turning duties, and turned my head to the direction of the churlish giggle. My eyes widened at the sight I beheld. The most ravishing girl I had ever set my gaze upon. Hot, in fact. She had brown, flowing hair, roasting lips and such a wee nose. However I was puzzled by the choice of her clothing, in spite of her obvious beauty. She wore a blue top, with the words "I ♥ Pink". A most confusing clash of colour and text. Was the hot Japanese girl colourblind or unable to speak English?

I stared at her and she returned my gaze, smiling, before turning away and blushing. She blushed so much under my heavy, fixated stare, that she ran out. I shook my head, breaking free of the lust. But on a brief, hot, second thought, I dropped my newspaper (it didn't feel like one anyway), and hurried outside to pursue her.

As I stepped outside, I looked about the street, bustling with computer geeks. However, it was not hard to spot the girl against the crowds of sweaty otaku. She was so good looking, I almost didn't want to run so I could just admire her from where I stood outside the newsagents. Nonetheless, I engaged pursuit. She ran from street to street in the Akiba district, but she couldn't shake me off. I was using every fibre of my body to keep up, my motivation being herself and my burning determination to ask her the question: "Are you colourblind or unable to speak English?". We passed the last of the electronic shops in Akiba until the blurry architecture transformed from a neon glow to the grunge grey of apartments. Soon, she slowed, but turned immediately into an alleyway.

I went around the corner to access the alleyway forthwith, and half-cheered when I saw the that the opposite end the alley was closed off by a dead-end, and her speedy tracks halted. Although I was slightly worried that she might think that I would be a rapist seeking her hot, wet body. However, my worries were short handed, when she turned from the dead-end to face me. As I panted to catch my breath, I then panted in desperation for a tissue when I beheld her beauty once again. This time, she wasn't blushing. She looked almost angry, yet content, and her eyes had the look of all the lust in the world. I almost squeled at the sudden transformation from an innocent high school girl to a gundam mecha of a dominatrix. It was with such appeal that a voice in my head cried "Change! Combine!".

She approached me and before I could ask her my pressing question, she put a delicate finger to my mouth, and pressed her other hand onto my groin. My eyes could not believe what was happening, as she then brushed her lips against mine and kissed me slowly. She wrapped her legs around my kneecaps and slobbered at my neck passionately, from which I was able to catch a glimpse of a clothes tag on the inside of her shirt, someone (presumably she) had wrote "HINANO" on the tag. As she wrapped her body around mine, I wondered for a few minutes if Hinano was her name. Then I joined her in with the lovemaking, starting with the you-know-what. When she eventually held back with her arms around me, I finally asked her the question, which definately was not "do you want to come back to my place?".

Chapter Three - An Interview With Hinano

The following morning, I emerged from the hotel room's shower-room in my jammies to observe the messy bed like a clumsy, but chuffed carpenter would survey his work of art, a badly built fireplace. Although, like the fireplace, it still had a healthy, sleeping flame. In this case, Hinano slept like a log, if you pardon the pun, on the bed. No doubt dreaming a dream of m-

Once again, I apologise. The next day, I pondered my previous question: Is Hinano, my hot Japanese girl, colourblind or unable to speak English? When she woke up, I finally settled down Hinano (who jumped up and down on my bed upon waking) and gestured her for a conversation. With a nopepad and pen in my hands, I stared her right in the eyes, eliminating all the images in my head of the positions she showed me the previous night and tried to focus with a straight, unemotional face. She responded to my dull look with a unceasing bout of giggling and blushing. At some point in the next half hour, she finally cracked and stared back at me with a slight smile, as if with the understanding that I was playing a sort of game, or blinking contest. I asked her the question:

Me: "Hinano, I have a question I would like to ask you"

She broke out giggling again, but then continued looking at me with trepidation. I restarted my questioning:

Me: "Hinano. Are you colourblind or unable to speak English?"

Hinano: "Herro"

Me: "I see"

A brief moment's turning to the notepad to scribble down some notes on her reaction resulted in a fantastic doodle of myself as a cowboy. I continued the interrogation.

Me: "I am Henry from England. Do you speak English?"

Hinano: "... Henry? Engrand...? ... Henry! Henry-kun! HENRY-KUUUUUUUUUUUN!"

It was obvious that the odds were evening up for colourblindness. I decided to hold up several pieces of card, each with different colours.

The first colour, to relate with the shirt, was unmistakably blue.

Me: "Hinano, what colour is this?"

She looked at it for a long time, although the facial expression definately excerted focus. After a while, I decided to prod her.

Me: "Hinano?"

Hinano: "Henry-kun!"

Me: "What colour is the card?"

Hinano: "Ware ketsubou enmusubi, Henry-kun!"

I had no means of speaking Japanese, so I dumped the blue card and pulled out a stinger; a green card. I queried for the correct colour of the card once again. She stared long and hard at this one.

Hinano: "Gurin...?"

She giggled without end. I decided to call it a day, as I had to return to England. The next question was whether or not to anger my wife by taking Hinano (who proved hard to detach from my presence) back with me to Hampton Court.

Chapter Four - Conclusion

Bluuuuuecard

If you really think this pink card is actually blue, I would diagnose you as a hot Japanese girl.

After further study of the instigating article of clothing and a review of notes from the interveiw I considered the verdict of the assement obvious: Hot Japanese girls are clearly colourblind. As far as I am aware (ie. as far as my vast experience with overseas flings goes), Japanese girls may be the only of humankind that have to be colourblind in order to be considered attractive. My results will prove important for the future of British health care, as it will aid the research into the fascinating medical condition that is colourblindness. Maybe being colourblind reclassifies you as a hot Japanese girl? If so, this would be the worst case of racial invasion since the majority of the England population were turned into Scotsmen. [1]

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