UnBooks:Great Abridged Pop Songs

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Pop! Pop! Pop music!

Listening to pop songs can be tedious. Fortunately for you, we here at Penguin Classics have done so, so you don't have to. Never feel out of the loop again!

"London Bridge" by Fergie

OH NOES

I have more right to be in this dance club than you do.

I dance in the manner of a prostitute; however, I am not a prostitute.

I am drunk.

I intend to assault some photographers.

When I see you, London Bridge collapses.

"Baby One More Time" by Britney Spears

Our relationship has ended.

As a consequence, I am lonely.

Please punch me in the mouth.

"Hollaback Girl" by Gwen Stefani

My shit

This is my shit.

As you can see, it is bananas.

You have said unpleasant things about me; therefore, I will harm you.

"Bananas" is spelled B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

"Sugar, We're Going Down" by Fall Out Boy

I am jealous of your sexual relationship with another man.

This has caused me to babble incoherently.

I choose to babble primarily about mausoleums, firearms, and pugilism.

"Promiscuous" by Nelly Furtado

sex plz

Occasionally, diamonds are blue.

Steve Nash is a talented athlete.

My T-shirt does not render you invisible.

Let's have sex.

"I Kissed a Girl" by Katy Perry

Once, I got drunk and engaged in some extremely mild pseudo-homosexual flirtation.

Isn't that naughty?

"Touch My Body" by Mariah Carey

BITCH

I invite you to have sex with me.

However, please do not film and distribute footage of the sex.

That would remind me of Wendy Williams.

Wendy Williams is a bitch.

"Viva La Vida" by Coldplay

I used to be very powerful.

That is no longer the case.

The reason might be that I keep going on and on about my auditory hallucinations.

I keep hearing bells and choirs.

The melody of this song totally isn't plagiarized wink wink wink.

"U + Ur Hand" by Pink

DO NOT WANT

I am extremely intoxicated.

Please do not purchase an alcoholic beverage on my behalf.

Instead, give me money and then return to your home and masturbate.

This arrangement would be mutually beneficial to us both.

"Pokerface" by Lady Gaga

I intend to arouse a man sexually.

I will not reveal to this man whether I am similarly aroused.

It is difficult to play Russian Roulette without a weapon.

I have developed a stutter.

"Bootylicious" by Destiny's Child

FEAR IT

I am going to dance in a fashion that would lead you to believe you can have sex with me.

Ultimately, you are ill-prepared for my talents.

Various celebrities are similarly ill-prepared for my talents.

You should probably stick with dry toast.

"That's Not My Name" by The Ting Tings

I am terrible at children's sports.

The following names are not mine:

Stacey, Jane, Darling, Bird.

That is not the complete list.

"The Fear" by Lilly Allen

dig harder kid

I desire fame, fortune, and blood diamonds.

Then again, maybe I don't.

Never mind.