Uncyclomedia and Readers' Slim Pickings Present:
Great Abridged Literature!
“Art for... sake.”
Death of a Salesman, by Arthur Miller
- Salesman: Here you are ma'am.
- Woman: Oh, that's very comfortable. Do you have them in a darker brown?
- Salesman: Yes, I think that... argh!
Salesman dies of heart attack. Woman looks around surreptitiously.
- Woman: Yoink!
Woman takes shoes and runs.
All Quiet on the Western Front by Erich Maria Remarque
Soldiers Paul Bäumer and Stanislaus "Kat" Katczinsky are on sentry duty in a WWI trench. Shells explode all around them.
- Paul: You know, this is actually pretty noisy.
- Kat: Yeah, I guess Erich was being ironic.
- Paul: I guess. And what sort of middle name is "Maria" anyway?
Paul realizes to his horror that Kat was killed in the last bomb-burst.
- Paul: Yoink!
Paul steals Kat's boots, and runs.
The Bridge on the River Kwai by Pierre Boulle
- Larry: Well, this looks like a nice, shallow place to ford the river.
- Sir Alec Guinness, CH, CBE: Ahem.
Sir Alec points to a bridge over the river. Larry smacks his forehead.
- Larry: What am I thinking! I'll just use the bridge! Thank you, Obi-Wan!
Larry crosses the bridge. As he reaches the halfway mark, the bridge explodes.
- Sir Alec Guinness, CH, CBE: Huh.
Sir Alec walks away quickly, whistling nonchalantly.
A Tale of Two Cities, by Charles Dickens
- Sydney Carton: It is a far, far better thing I do that I have ever done. It is...
Sidney is suddenly stabbed in the abdomen by Maximilian Robespierre. After a long pause, enter Oliver Twist. Oliver looks around cautiously. Seeing that the coast is clear, he whistles loudly
- Oliver: Grub's up, lads!
- Carton: What? NOOOOOO!!
The orphans feast upon the dying Carton.
King Lear, by William Shakespeare
- Lear: Creeping toward old age, I shall divide in three my kingdom.
- Cordelia: That means I get 0.3 recurring?
- Lear: All you need is love.
- Fool: Love is all you need.
- Cordelia: This will all come to nothing.
Trumpets, thunder, bangs and cries of 'Bastard!'. Curtain.
The Hound of the Baskervilles, by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
- Watson: Then do you truly think that there is nothing to this fanciful tale of a spectral hound?
- Holmes: This agency stands flat-footed upon the ground, and there it must remain. The world is big enough for us. No ghosts need apply.
Suddenly, a chupacabra breaks through the window. Watson runs for the exit, but facing him is a sasquatch. The sasquatch holds Watson in place as the chupacabra tears his throat out. Holmes looks on in amazement.
- Chupacabra: You want some of this?
- Holmes: I'm cool, man.
- Chupacabra: LaRouche in 2012!
A Merchant of Venice, by William Shakespeare
- Merchant: Here'sa you cannolis!
- Woman: Thank you. How much is that?
- Merchant: Itsa five Euros.
- Woman: Shouldn't you be dying now?
- Merchant: Lady, I don'a die for som runnin' gag. No for five Euros.