UnBooks:Gallows Humour

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“We must all hang together or, assuredly, we will all hang separately.”
~ Benjamin Franklin on American Revolution
Gallows Humor

Monday, February 18th, 1952

Hi, Mom, it's me, Eddie,

Good news! You can put that umbrella in the closet. No need to bang it on my head anymore. I got a job! Yeah, mom, a job! At Crack Rock State Prison. They didn't tell me too much about what I gonna do, but I'm going to be a kind of jailer, a "special one." Yeah, mom, I start in my first real job as a special, aren't you proud?

Always yours,

Eddie

PS: Hmmm, if it's not asking too much just hiding the umbrella, could you make a pumpkin pie when I drop by next Sunday?

Tuesday, february 19th, 1952

Hi, Mom, Eddie again,

Executioner

My first day at new job was real fun! They first put on my head a pointy mask, much like that one uncle Louie used when meeting his friends at night. But mine is black, not white, so I thought that, different from Uncle Louie, I was meant to hang white people, but I was wrong. There's almost only black people in what they call the "death row", that corridor of cells where the prisoners wait for their turn. As it was my first day, they let me play just with the gallows, which they call "the wooden toy". Hey, don't blame me, Mom, I'm still a good Christian. It's just the way my job mates call their instruments: the wooden toy, the electric toy, the canister toy, the target toy, and that you-don't-wanna-know toy (they didn't show me that one, I'm so curious!).

Yeah, the wooden toy. Don't you think my job is just pulling the crank mindlessy. Noooo, it's quite a sophisticated function or else they wouldn't need a smart kid as me to do it. When the prisoner's neck don't break and he starts choking, I have to hop on his shoulder and bump with my feet until the spinal cord (I'm learning new words...) tears apart. I've been told that's an act of mercy, so no need to tell it to Pastor and ask people to pray for me. Well, in fact I have to say that it was not so easy. This job demands some sensibility and it was my first attempt so I accidentally decapitated the hanged (and, well, from the photo I'm sending you can tell I'm a little tiny bit out of shape). It was ugly, but well... Nothing they can't stitch at the mortuary.

At the end of the day I scored 3 - or two and a half counting the headless as half. This day, all black. You can tell Uncle Louie he should be proud!

Love,

Eddie

PS: I'm reconsidering the pie. I'm on diet now...

Wednesday, February 20th, 1952

Me again, Mom!

Raccoon

I'm so excited that I just can't stop writing letters. Yesterday just after I glued the stamp to our last letter, my job mates Derek and Rudolph rang my doorbell. They told me I was going to pass thru a "initiation ritual." I told them I am Christian but they laughed at my face. Actually, I saw nothing unusual or devilish in the ritual: I just had to drink two shots of straight grain alcohol and after they asked me for hunting some animals called genbois, gungbos or gan-something with a shotgun. It was dark and I was so drunk that I'm not sure if I killed a coyote intead. Gansters are quick, at the first shot they simple ran to their nests at the forest. I looked for a gamboi image at the Prison's library, and that one was the most look-alike animal I could find (sorry). Anyway, shotgun is no fun.

By the way, today I had to work with a hell of a hangover. So bad that I barfed over a convict when I was doing the gallows dance over his shoulders. I politely said "I am so sorry", just as you taught me.

Yours,

Eddie

PS: No matter the hangover (hang-over, hehehe) I scored 5 today!

Friday, February 22nd, 1952

Mom!

Y'know, Friday is such a lazy day. Everybody keeps looking at the clock waiting for the 6. Including the prisoners, and that's quite weird considering that they are not working.

Yeah, but that's my first week, so I worked double filling the quotas of the ones too lazy to get their work done. Today I met my first white prisoner. What an uneducated fellow! He shit his pants like a small kid and guess who had to clean that mess? Yeah, good ol' Eddie here! If he was not already dead I would kill him!

Always yours,

Eddie

PS: hmmm... Changed my mind again. Can you make that pumpkin pie? That diet I start on Monday.

Monday, February 25th, 1952

Thanks for the pie, Mom!

Gas Chamber

Huhhh, bad news. I broke the gallows today and was almost fired (too much pie?). Director Sullivan told me it was family inheritance, an antiquity from the 18th century. The good side is that they introduced me to the other toys. We had that convict, Benedict Mortimer, who survived the broken gallows so we had to play hide-and-seek to find the silly just in the gas chamber (I'm annexing a picture of it - who in his sane mind would enter such a thing?). I slapped his face a little: "no, no, no, your place is not there, but the electric chair!". The poor man was so scared that I had to sit on the chair myself to prove how it was comfy and there was nothing to fear from it. That's very weird but just when I was executing Mortimer someone started a barbecue next by. What a lack of respect for the death, I gonna tell you! Anyhow, that smell made me hungry so I telephoned for a burger. I offered the convict a bite, just as you taught me, but he refused. Nevertheless, after munching 20 times, I swallowed and pulled the lever.

The people with the barbie seemed quite absorbed, so they kept the whole day making their burgers while I sent 5 more to see their Creator.

With plenty of love,

Eddie

PS: Now I'm serious! I'm starting my diet tomorrow.

Tuesday, March 11th, 1952

Mommy, my only and ony!

You know something? It was just today I realized how I'm dealing with dangerous people. At lunch time, Derek was with a sinister smile after barbecueing four criminals. He told me that Jesse Whittaker, his last convict, had tortured and killed 13 women and 7 men. He was a bank clerk, so nodoby suspected from him. Mom, I gonna tell you I was shocked. How can someone be so heartless to kill people and just lay his head at the pillow as if nothing happened?

We had more problems. Mr. Sullivan came very angry after he heard some screams at the execution section. He was like "What the hell is going on?" and we like "Nothing! The energy ran out so we are using candles!". That was true.

Your sonny, only and ony!

Eddie

Friday, May 9th, 1952

Dear Mom,

I'm such a bleeding heart! Today a convict started crying out loud and I gave him anesthesia with a lead pipe. Unfortunately, I couldn't dose it well so the pipe had all the job done. Guess who had to clean the mess? Yeah, good ol' Eddie here!

You know, I'm becoming a little bored. Everyday is the same stuff: Eddie fetch the prisoner, Eddie tie the prisoner, Eddie pull the key, Eddie carry the corpse to the morgue. But today I had to do something very disturbing. Killing a pretty chick in the gas chamber. Seeing that girl in her slumber, so gorgeous and so peaceful, gave me some ideas. Say what? I am human at all... But people just didn't let me play, no matter how I complained that she wouldn't notice a thing, as she was dead. I was just finding some good use for maggot fodder.

It breaks my heart! But now I'm cool.

Love,

Eddie

PS: Did you hear the news? Seems like some sissy congressmen are trying to ban the death penalty in our State. What a bunch of insensible brutes! How can poor humble people like me earn a decent living without our jobs?

Wednesday, June 27th, 1952

Oh Mommy!

Chaurice Sausage

Things are bad. They are really ending death penalty in our State, so I guess that I will keep the rest of my life bringing food to that scum on the cells. Director Sullivan called for emergency procedures so I finally met that mysterious "you-don't-wanna-know" machine. He told us it was originally designed to write the offense on the criminal's back, as "Rape", "Arson", "Murder", but it jammed long time ago so he turned it into a sausage-making machine. And, Mom, that devious thing is quick! We could deal a rate of about ten convicts an hour until the Governor called us on telephone and told us to stop (such a party spoiler, I gonna tell you). He sent a comission to take all of our toys to a museum. At least we had the chance to serve the officers who came to take our machines some "special" sandwhiches! I barely could control myself for not rolling on the ground laughing.

Yeah, my period as a executioner was quite an experience. Now all that I can do is keep on hanging out with Derek and Rudolph hunting for some Gambos.

Your very bored son,

Eddie

PS: After seeing those sausages, I guess I finally have the will to start my diet.

Saturday, July 1st, 1953

Dear Mom,

Bald Man

Good news! You can put that umbrella in the closet! Gotta new job! I'm now working in what they call an "aesthetics clinic". You know, that places where women go to try freakish treatments and leave just as they came, but with the skin greased. I passed my first day making a weird concoction of honey and lemon they call "The Wax". When I was done, Dr. Rita asked me for spreading it over the hairy leg of a middle-aged lady. I became so ashamed that my head turned red, but Dr. whispered that the customer couldn't see me with that towel covering her eyes. I gonna tell you, it was quite as delightful as my previous job. Even the screams were back!

With the advantage that now I'm a ladies man!

Yours (and theirs, hehehe),

Eddie

PS: Pie Sunday?

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