UnBooks:Fun Science Experiments for Kids

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Fun Science Experiments for Kids was a book for children aged ten to twelve by Unethical Publications, Ltd., a short lived educational publishing company based in Romania. The book was written mainly by Dr. Etzekerman Krull, shortly before he was brought before the International Court in the Hague to be the first person charged with aggravated crimes against humanity.

The book itself was not very popular, with educators citing problems including sub-standard paper, cheap and easily cracked bindings, and the fact that every tenth book was coated with a contact poison that turned the reader into the walking undead. Many copies were burned, most of the remainder spontaneously combusted.

The one surviving copy is kept in secure conditions by the Society for Disseminating Banned Literature, a subsidiary group of the Uncyclomedia Foundation. The text of the book is here presented in its entirety.

edit Fun Science Experiments for Kids!

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Dr. Krull

Hello, boys and girls! I am Dr Etzekermann Krull, your guide to the fun world of knowledge! In this book, we'll teach you some fun science experiments, and help you learn a little about the laws of science. Understanding science will help you in your quest for power, and aid you in bending people to your will helps us understand the world, and ourselves. And what's more... it's fun!

edit Experiment 1 - Pendulums

This one's a nice, simple one to get us started.

You will need: three or four small objects of different weight, and three or four pieces of string in different lengths and a stopwatch.

First tie a light object to a piece of string, then set the pendulum in motion. Using the stopwatch, time how long it takes for the pendulum to swing all the way from one extreme back to the other. This is known as the period of the pendulum. Now tie a heavier weight to the same piece of string and try again.

Does it move faster, slower, or remain the same? The answer is faster! Of course a heavier weight will push a pendulum faster! Any blind fool can see that! And yet those fools at the academy laughed when I told them! Laughed! In their jealousy of my genius, they kicked me out! But we will see who has the last laugh! I shall be revenged! In fact if you see any Academicians when you're doing this experiment, try swinging the pendulum around your head to build up momentum, then release it in the direction of the hidebound greybeard! Ha ha! Take that, you filthy dog!

edit Experiment 2 - Water

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What happens when you mix hot water and cold water? The answer may surprise you!

You will need: two small glass jars, red food dye, blue food dye, hot water, cold water, a piece of thin card.

Half fill one jar with cold water, then add a drop of blue food dye and mix. Fill the other jar with hot water, add a drop of red food dye and mix. Make sure that both jars are filled to the brim. Place the card over the top of the red jar and turn it over, keeping the card firmly in place to keep the water in. Carefully turn the jar over, and place it on top of the blue jar (you may need to practice this step!). Carefully remove the card. You might expect the contents of the jars to mix, creating a purple colour, but in fact the contents of the red jar will remain separate.

Why does this work? It works because it is the nature of the world that different colours do not mix. Purity is everything! Purity of colour. Purity of blood. Once your purity is compromised, what do you have left? A bunch of children of a mongrel breed, that's what! Bah! The lesser races! Did not our ancestors invent the waffle iron and the Dating Game? And what did these so called 'foreigners' invent? They invented my own damn lawyer telling me that my patrimony cheques had to be made out in yen, that's what! It makes me sick!

edit Experiment 3 - Building a Periscope

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Dr. Harsch

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Hello, cheeeldren. I ham Doktor Flesinger Harsch. Hevink seen ze foolishnessness that mein colleague Dr. Krull has been teaching you, I have taken conrol of this book mit mein book controlling ray in order that ze liddle kinder might learn real science from a real scientist, and not some dumkopf who divides his time between Klan meetings and hentai porn. Is no vonder his frau left him, nein?

In case you har vondering, it iz ze book controlling ray zat somhow makes me write like zis. Do not vorry, zese are som of ze dangers of science.

Okay, now... building a periscope! Like in U-boat I vas on in the var, so could not have been committing var crimes in Ukraine. Is gut, ja?

You vill need: two milk carton, sharp knife, two mirror, tape.

Warning: knives are not toys! Zey are efficient and deadly veapons! Alvays ask for your parents' help vhen using sharp knives!

Cut ze top of of both milk cartons. Cut a square 'vindow' at ze bottom of each carton. Affix ze mirror in ze bottom of each carton, facing ze vindow und angled upwards at 45°. Connect ze cartons by ze open ends, so zat ze vindows are on opposite sides, und tape everyzing togezzer. Vhen finished, your periscope should look just like ze picture to the right.

Now you heff your periscope. You can use it to see people from where you are hidden. You can see zem and they can't see you. Do you know who else can see people who can't see him? Das is right - God. Ze power of the periscope makes you an equal to God himself! Do you not see that the conventional morality cannot contain one with such power! Your periscope puts you above the laws of God und man! You are like a king upon the Earth, and all who oppose your vill must die!

Make sure the mirrors are properly aligned, or it vill not work. God does not normally haff zis problem.

edit Experiment 4 - Tin Can Phone

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Ach, ja, zis is a gut vun.

You vill need: two clean, empty big tin cans; a long piece of string; two buttons.

Punch a hole in ze closed ends of the tin cans. Thread ze string through ze punched holes of vun of ze tin cans, and tie a button to either end to prevent it from slipping again. Pull ze string taught, then one person puts a can to his ear, and ze other to his mouth. If the person with ze can at his mouth speaks clearly, ze other one should be able to hear him clearly!

Granted, zis device only allows two people to talk at a distance over which they could talk anyvay, chust by shouting. But sometimes... sometimes, you do not want to shout your secrents to the vorld, nein? Sometimes you must hide your secrets; bury them in a deep corner of your mind, like piles of dead Ukrainians in a mass grave, who are buried and CANNOT GET ME! ZEY CANNOT!

edit Experiment 5 - The Magic Ice Cube!

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Prof. Wilmuth

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Hello, children, my name is Prof. Billy Wilmuth, and I'm taking over this book from these wicked people who clearly indicate the evils of secular science. I myself am professor of Biblical Physics at Oral Roberts University, and I am a senior scientific advisor to President Bush, so you know I can be trusted!

You will need: A glass of water, an ice cube, a length of string, salt.

Take a glass of water - no, we're not going to turn it into wine! Only our Lord Jesus Christ can do that, and it was blasphemous of you to even think that. Put the ice cube in the water. Now sprinkle salt on it. Quickly place the string over the ice cube. You should be able to lift the cube out of the water with the string!

How does this work? Why, by the will of God, of course! The salt changes the temperature at which water freezes, temporarily rendering the surface of the ice cube liquid! Once the temperature drops again, the water refreezes with the string stuck in it! Now let's extend this line of reasoning - what substance is found in seawater? Salt! What substance is constantly washing up against the polar ice shelves? Seawater! So why are the polar icecaps melting? If you answered Global Warming you're wrong! It's just God's own honest salt doing His bidding. So you can be assured that SUV ownership is entirely desirable and public transport is for chumps! Also, a friend of mine saw An Inconvenient Truth, and he said it wasn't very good. If you want a good movie, check out the Veggie Tales or Brokeback Mountain.

edit Experiment 6 - Make a Fire Extinguisher!

This is Dr. Krull again. I have regained control of this book from the simpering fools and charlatans who sought to wrest it from my grasp. This book is mine, and I shall be revenged upon my enemies! All shall perish who oppose me! But first, some fun with simple household items.

You will need: a saucer, bicarbonate of soda, vinegar, a candle.

Fill the bottom of the saucer with bicarbonate of soda, then place a candle in it. Have one of your parents light the candle. Then pour some vinegar onto the bicarbonate.

This should create a chemical reaction creating carbon dioxide, which will cause the candle to go out. A larger experiment could be conducted upon these lines by placing all of your enemies in an airtight room, up to their filthy ankles in bicarbonate of soda. A candle slowly burns through a rope which holds two carboys of vingar suspended from the ceiling. When the rope burns through, smasho! Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, death, death! Mu hu ha ha ha!

edit Experiment 7 - Fun With Static Electricity

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Dr. Frightmarestein

Hello, Children, I am Dr. Frightmarestein, and unlike these others, I will not lead you astray. My science is the TRUE science and with it we will disect the very universe like it was a rat pinned to a board, twitching and trying to escape as the scalpel penetrates its soft, yielding flesh! But first, static electricity.

You will need: A balloon, some confetti (either store bought, or made by tearing paper into tiny pieces).

Inflate an ordinary party balloon. Then, rub it vigourously against a piece of woollen cloth. Hold the balloon close to the confetti, and you will find particles of confetti 'jumping' to the surface of the ballon and sticking there! Also, try holding the balloon close to your head. What happens to the hair? What other household items can be given a static charge by rubbing them against cloth?

Now, imagine that you had a piece of wool the size of Australia! By rubbing it against the Earth, the entire planet would develop a static charge, powerful enough to bring the moon crashing down! Imagine the destruction! Imagine all the people screaming and running as the world collapsed around their ears! It would be even better than performing brain surgery while the victim subject was still alive!

And that's just the beginning of the possibilities created by static electricity! Follow me, children, and you will go far!

edit Experiment 8 - The Multi-Coloured Flower!

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Dr. Lysenko

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Not only is it colourful, it symbolises the glorious flowering of Soviet agriculture under the firm leadership of Comrade Stalin!

H'yello, Comrades, I am being Dr. Trofim Lysenko, President of Sowiet Acyademy for Agricultural Science. Do not listen to bourgeois reactionary scientists above, Lysenko knows real deal when it comes to biology! Lysenko is responsible for making deserts bloom and tundra produce bananas! Lysenko certainly does not cause famine, that is lie of Capitalist media! Lysenko will astonish and astound you by tyelling you... hyow to make white flower turn different colours!

You will need: a white flower such as a carnation, white rose or lily, a vase, water, food dye.

Fill the vase with water and place the flower in it. Put some food dye in the water (sometimes quite a large amount is needed). Over the next six to eight hours, the coloured water will be taken up the flower stem's vascular system, eventually allowing coloured water to collect in the flower itself, producing a brightly coloured flower! For an encore, take a new flower and have an adult split the stem, and place each end in a vase containing a different coloured dye solution. See what happens!

Best part of is, you can breed new plant! Since acquired characteristics can be transmitted through heredity, planting flower will produce generations of multicoloured carnations! Also flowers contain all nutrients needed to sustayn human life, we can feed these flowers to the People if wheat crop fails again. I came up with this theory a while ago, and my friend Stalin thinks I'm right. You... don't disagree with Stalin do you? He's not a good person to enger, if you follow me.

edit Experiment 9 - Make a Lemon Battery

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Dr. Kilaak

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Hello, Children! I am Dr. Kilaak, who am formerly being married to foolish man Dr. Krull, who is champion of losing, big time! I am making powerful science which is extra number one more better! Actually, I speak perfect English, I just talk this way to annoy people. Now for so strong experiment of it's terrific, lemon!

You will need: some lemons, copper wire, steel wire, some wire, a voltmeter, a flashlight bulb.

Push the ends of the copper wire and the steel wire into the lemon. Connect both of the free ends of the wire to the voltmeter. It should register a tiny current. This current is to small to be of any practical use, but you can connect several lemons in series, creating enough current to light a small bulb.

With lemon electricity many times over, much currents ensue, big time! Lemons make for connect to giant big fence of much metal, and is electrifying! When Gojira touch fence, he is made electric and shock! But Gammera is not make shock, as much shell. Too bad!



edit Conclusion

Oh, shut up, Kilaak! Where do you think your alimony's going to come from if you ruin this book?

Oh, shit, I'm on.

Oh, shit, I shouldn't have said shit in a children's book!

F- I mean, darn it all to heck!

Ahem. Hello, children this is Dr. Krull again. As you can see, science gives us vitally important tools with which to study the natural world. And I don't just mean intellectual tools like 'persistence' or 'observation skills' or that sort of hippy nonsense, I mean real tools like flensing-knives, skull-saws and the Vivisect-O-Matic 4000.

Science allows us to answer all sorts of questions, from how to make magnets to how to sterilize large tracts of the Earth's surface. But when doing science, remember these three golden rules:

  1. Safety First - make sure your subjects are well strapped down, or they could do you an injury.
  2. Revenge is a luxury you can afford.
  3. 'Ethics committee' is just another term for cannon fodder.

Happy learning!

edit Also in this series

  • Fun Scientology Experiments for Adults
  • Fun Sociology Experiments for Kids
  • Fun Maths Problems for Kids Who Get Beaten Frequently
  • Fun Beating Experiments for Bullies
  • "Fun" With Economics

edit Experiment 10

Hi, I'm Dr Stupid-

Shut your bleeding gob, you confounded moron! Go to the devils! You're too bleeding late!

No, you shut your gob! The book's mine and that's that.

Now, you three, shut yerr traps or I'll beat the living daylights out of you.

Ze End.

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