UnBooks:Doctor Loo

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The novel Doctor Loo is also available in paperback.

edit Overview

Doctor Loo, or its official title How Terrynation Sold Out To The World Toilet Organization, is a fanfiction posted on a minor fanfiction website by user Justin Gavel posting under his alias I<3WhoLOLZ707. It was written during 2005 as Gavel was participating in a Doctor Who fanfiction competition. The story received mixed views from critics and fellow submitters. Upon reading it, however, Russel T. Davies showed enthusiasm for the concept and contacted Gavel concerning a possible spinoff book based on the work.

edit Chapter One

Twas a dark night, where the moon was gone and the stars did not shone. Our story takes place in a tiny bathroom in a small apartment on Earth. If you walked past this apartment, you would see the dirty brick walls and boarded windows, and walk on pretty quickly.

The soap sat there on the basin. It was scared. It had arrived in the bathroom that morning, so it was new to the world.

Suddenly there was a noise. A splashing noise.

'Hello?' It asked in a quiet voice.

'HALOO THAR!!' thundered back a reply.

The soap slipped off the basin in fright and fell to the white tiled floor with a thump. Pulling itself together, it looked around, searching for the owner of the voice.

'W-w-who said that?' The soap asked, shaking with fear.

'WHA IT BE ME, LADDIE!!' the voice boomed.

The soap saw that the voice came from a corner in the bathroom. Sliding closer, it saw that there was a toilet. It was a small toilet, with a grey clay finish. Its handle was made of wood, and its seat and lid were made of wood too.

On top of the cistern was a Tam o'shanter.

'ACH, SO YA BEE ABEL TA SEEYAH ME NOW, DOYA!?' rumbled the toilet. The seat bounced up and down in time with the words.

'Wh-who are you?' The soap warbled warily.

'WHA, DINNAE YA NUT KNOO WHO AH HAM, YA BIG JESSE!? AH THA DOCTO!!'

'The what?' The soap slid a little in confusion.

'THA DOCTO!' repeated the toilet.

'Uh...doctor of what?' the soap asked.

'WHA, THA DOCTO O BOOWLS, O COURSE!!' The toilet seat bounced happily.

The soap wobbled. 'Wait, boowls? Do you...you mean...bowels?'

'THAS WHAT I JUST SAI TOYA, YA WET WILLIE! DOCTO O BOOWLS, THA BEE MAY! AH HA TRARVULED ACROOS TAHM AND SPACE TAH SAV THIS WURLD FRUM THA THERRAH O THA BOOWLS! ACH, YA WULDNAH BEELEEV THA SHUITE AH HA HAD TA CRUL THROO EN MAH LAIF! YA POOR LITUL BAIRN, YA WULDNAH EVAN BEH ULIIV HA' AH NOT DEFFENDUD YA AGANST THA DRUDED BOOWLS AN THER WEAPUNS!!'

The soap paused. It tried to make sense of what the Doctor had said. 'Uh, are the boow- bowls here now?'

The toilet seat swung up and down in time with loud laughter. ' HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! NAH, A CORSE NUT, YA DAHFT GET! THAY OONLY CUM WHAEN HEEEEE CUMS!!'

'Who? who comes?' Asked the soap.

'ACH, SHAT YA TRAP YA BIG PALOOOKA! LAET MEH SLAEP FA A BET, WILL YA!?'

And with that, the lid of the toilet shut with a loud clang.

The soap stared for a while at the sleeping toilet. After a while, it found a way back on top of the basin. There, it slept.

edit Chapter Two

The next day, the soap woke up very early. It was excited. It had a new friend. It slid down onto the floor and over to the toilet.

'Hello Mr. Doctor.' The soap bubbled.

'ACH, HALLO!!' The Doctor replied in a sullen voice. 'AN WULD IT CULL YA TA JUS CULL MEH DOCTO!?'

'Uh, are you ok?' Asked the soap.

'NAO, YA FOOEL! ITSA BEEEN WAH TOO QWUIAT ARUND ERE! AH HA NUT SEN HIDE NA HAR O THA DRUDED BOOOWLS, AN NA A HA SEN THER EEEVUL MASTA EVA!!' The Doctor fumed, his lid clanging angrily against the seat.

'They have a master? Sounds scary.' To show fear, the soap quivered.

'NOOO, NA THA' THAY HA' A MASTA, THER MASTA IS CULLED THA MASTA! HE BE THA MASTA O' THIS TIAMLINE, AN MAH NAHMASIS!!' The Doctor roared.

'O...K' The soap awkwardly slid from side to side.

'AHNEEWAI, THA' 'AS REMINDUD MAY! I DINNA KNO YUR NAME LADDIE! CUGH OOP NAOW, WHA'S YA NAME!?'

'Uh...' The soap hesitated and slid around more. 'Well, uh, I've never really had a name, but, well, I do have this rose engraving on may head. I guess you can call me...Rose.'

'ACH AN WAT A FINE NAME THA IS, LADDIE!!'

Rose stopped sliding. 'Uh, I'm not a 'laddie'. Rose is a girl's name, so I think I'm a girl.'

'A GURL!! AHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAHAH!!' The doctor flung his lid up and down in laughter, sloshing toilet water everywhere.

'That's not funny.' Rose huffed.

'ACH, DINNA BE ANGRA AT MAH, LADDIE! YA JUST A HELLUVA BIGA CUNVERSTUNLIST THAN THA LAST SOOP I USTA KNOO!!'

'It's still not funny. You're mean.' Rose slid away.

'GHRAG!!' The Doctor said after a while.

edit Chapter Three

The following day, Rose was woken to the sound of the Doctor banging his lid.

'BALUDY HELL! WAEK OOP YA GET! WAEK OOP! THA MASTA' IS COMING!!' The Doctor yelled.

'What?' Rose slid onto the floor. 'The Master is here?'

'NOOO! HE'S ON HIS WAI! CANNAE YA NUT EAR 'IM COMING UP THA STAIRS!?'

Rose listened. Far away, the sound of footsteps could be heard.

'QUEEK!!' The Doctor spat. 'HEED! HEED YA LITTUL BODEH! IF HE SAES YA, YULE NUT BE ABLE TAH ESCAIP!!'

Quickly, Rose skated behind the basin. The footsteps grew louder. The Doctor flipped his lid one final time before remaining still.

The footsteps grew to a crescendo before stopping. Then the bathroom door opened.

'Oh shit.' A gruff voice spoke. 'Bloody toilet water everywhere. This is worse than those public cubicles at the seaside. Fifty quid it cost me to hire someone fix this craphole. Waste of money...'

As Rose peeked out from behind the basin, she saw two large legs. There was the snap of jeans, and the legs turned around as the Master sat down on the Doctor.

'Christ, this seat is cold. Should've known the bitch-in-law would want me to have a cold arse.'

Minutes passed, punctuated by splashing sounds. Rose could hear the Doctor quietly groaning in pain.

'Hmm...should I? Nah, it's too cold.'

The Master stood up and redressed.

'Damn, where's that soap? Screw it, I'm not going out anywhere.'

The Master left. Rose crawled from her hiding place to the Doctor.

After a while, the Doctor coughed and spluttered and pulled his flush handle over and over again.

'Doctor, are you ok?' Rose asked.

'ACH...' The Doctor spoke in a weak voice. 'ITS OH KAY LASSIE...HE BE GONE NOW...AYE...HE DID IS WORST...'

'Doctor, what's wrong?' Rose began to panic.

'I WUS ON MAH LAST FLUSH AHNYEWAI...ITS TIAM FOR MEH TO GOO...'

'No, no please, Doctor...' Rose began to bubble.

'IS OH KAY...ROOSE...BOOD...'

The Doctor spluttered and flung his lid up, before letting it fall with a clang. He was dead.

edit Chapter Four

Rose produced soap bubbles as the Doctor sat there, dead.

Suddenly Rose stopped. Footsteps again.

Quickly she slid behind the basin. The door flung open and the Master entered once again.

'Knew I'd forgotten something.' The voice echoed in the bathroom. 'Stacy will kill me if I don't wear this fucking hat today. Bloody anniversaries...'

Rose quivered in her hiding place.

'Look at this pile of shit.' A clank of foot on porcelain made Rose jump. 'I pay wages for this hovel and they can't even give me a decent Vay Say. Stingy bastards. I'll give Bobbie a ring in the morning, see if he's got a loo to spare.'

The door banged shut as the Master left. Rose left her hiding place.

The bonnet on top of the Doctor's head was gone. Without his hat, he seemed to be nothing more than a toilet without it.

Rose went back behind the basin. She was too sad to come out.

Rose sat there for the rest of the day. The next day, some strange workers came into the bathroom. She listened to the sounds of grunts and curses as they hammered and clanked away at the Doctor. Eventually they left, and the Doctor's body was gone.

Another day passed, and more people invaded the bathroom. Rose ignored them. The Doctor was gone. Nothing mattered to her anymore.

Finally, after a long time behind the basin, Rose heard only one set of feet enter the bathroom.

'Aaahh, now this is a real crapper. I can have my shit and not feel dirty. I can't wait to test this baby out today. All it needs is something fancy...there we go.'

The Master left. Rose left her hiding place to see this new toilet. It was pristine white, with a pale seat and handle. On top of the cistern was a top hat.

'Good day to you.' A voice spoke.

Rose jumped. 'Who's there?'

'Why it is I, the Doctor.' The voice replied. It was coming from the new toilet.

'No,' Rose glumly emitted a soap bubble. 'The Doctor is gone. The Master killed him.'

'Oh do not be silly Rose,' The toilet flapped his lid. 'A toilette such as myself does not die. We simply regenerate, like that tasty dish. Us toilettes are priveledged like that you know.'

'But,' Rose slid around a little. 'But you don't sound the same.'

'Goodness, I do hope not. Such uncouth language. But I digress. You see, urchin, regeneration is a very tricky business, you know. This toilette body I now inhabit must have been constructed somewhere priveleged. Nevertheless, you do not need to worry your tiny soap brain about it. I am far cleverer than you and so I know best.'

'I miss the old Doctor.' Rose said sullenly. 'He was better than you.'

'Oh I am dreadfully sorry my dear,' The Doctor chortled, swilling toilet water around his mouth. 'I do apologise for looking down on you, but frankly what can you expect? I feel immensely sophisticated.'

Rose was about to say something when she heard footsteps.

'Ah,' The Doctor raised his lid carefully. 'That will be the Master. If you will excuse me, my dear, I have an appointment with him.'

Rose fled behind the basin. There, she buried herself in the dust and fluff, trying to block out the grunts and splashes coming from the Doctor.

Tomorrow, Rose would escape the bathroom.

Anywhere was better than with the new Doctor.

The End.

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