UnBooks:Dirty Harry Potter

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Chapter 1

DHP

My holster makes a bulge under my mage robe. Its presence comforts me. I can feel the weight of the .44 Magnum, and the handle touching me through my shirt. It is my best friend. It, for one, never betrayed me.

Another rotten day at Hogwarts. This school is corrupted right down to the bone. They're all in the same boat. Someone has to change this. First, there's the intolerant bastards. They hate half-bloods. Damn it, how I hate intolerant people. If it were up to me I'd line them up along a wall and put a bullet in each of their heads.

And all the people helping them. Supplying them. Covering them. Bunch of shit. Up against the wall and a bullet. If only I had the power. And all their passive accomplices. The cowards with little smiles, just watching evil at work. They're too happy those assholes, doing the dirty work for them. Scumbags. Up against the wall! up against the wall!!

And there's those of you who don't even know about any of this. Yeah right. Goddamn hypocrites. I can't stand you. Same: up against the wall, shot in the skull. And I'm not even talking about those on my side. What a pile of crap. I'd like to clean that up. With a large caliber round. Bang! bang!!

But unfortunately, I've got my orders. I have to enforce the law and I'm supposed to respect it. Do these assholes respect it? Then I don't see why I should. I didn't start this. I mean, really. And with those hormones rushing in and my voice changing it's not easy every day. Here comes Hermione. Hi Hermione. Bitch.

Harry: You feel like a woman yet?
Hermoine: Have your balls dropped yet? I think not. Anyway Harry, what's with the faux accent? You sound American.

Ouch! I wince involuntarily at such an obvious slip-up. My British vowel sounds are poking through my cover like that time I lost my own battle of the involuntary bulge when I saw my first naked woman on an age restricted humor website. I watch Hermoine walking away, her metronomic slim hips distracting me from my deadly purpose today. She can do that to me. Knows I only shoot bad people in the back.

I read the text message sent to me again. I need to report for duty. I touch my Magnum again. It's still there, snug and secure. Captain Dumbledore wants me to investigate on the case of these psychedelic potion dealers who got put down on the fourth floor. Good thing. I hope it was painful. But the guys who did that are mean mugglefuckers and they deserve to die. Well, "no mess-ups" Dumbledore said. What a coward. Pees in his bell bottom pants, I'm sure. Watches DVDs with subtitles..yeah..

Dirtypotter 02

You don't seem to be quite yourself Harry.

Got to pick up my partner, Ron. That wimp. If only I didn't have him slowing me down. He forgot my birthday when I was stuck with my abusive uncle and aunt. I might forgive him. Someday. That's really not nice. He's lucky I'm not Sicilian.

Harry: Ron.
Ron: Yes Harry?
Harry: Just checking you still had a pulse.

My broom has a hard time starting. We're heading for the crime scene. It's a fucking slaughter. The bodies are spread all across the place. There's a sound of padded steps: the caretaker's cat walking around the pieces, inspecting them as if this were some kind of goddamn bakery. I don't like this cat. Nor the caretaker. He put me on detention duty, had me clean all the Quidditch trophies just because I put dirt in the hall coming back from Hagrid's hovel. It's true that it was raining and my shoes were wet. It's also true that I had just put away two pimp wizards from Slytherin. There was brain everywhere. I couldn't help it.

I'm sure Malfoy is behind all this. Or Snape. Or maybe they're both working for Voldemort. I don't like Malfoy. He has an ugly face. And he made fun of my dead daddy. This makes me angry. I want to shoot him in both his kneecaps. No witnesses. Of course. There's a house-elf track in a pool of blood, though. I think I'll pay a visit to that little shit Dobby. He's probably still squatting in that same whorehouse.

Harry: Tell me, Dobby you snitch, what happened yesterday on the 4th floor?
Dobby:Dobby know nada, señor!
Harry: Come on you little piece of fantasy crap, spill your guts. You still got a brother in jail, don't you? How long did he get, Ron??
Ron: Fifteen years. And at Azkaban on top of that.
Harry: Bet he gets ass-sucked by vampires every evening . I heard you're all elf fags in your family.
Dobby: No! That's no true, señor!! But . . . if you help his brother, maybe the memory come back to Dobby, okay, señor?
Harry: I thought of a better idea: you start talking or I'll arrange a probation for your brother. In a casket."
Dobby: All right, señor! We make deal."

That slime hole elf. Faking everything including his accent. He hasn't got a brother in jail. If Dobby's a Mexican then I'm David Bowie. Cha-cha-anges..I'll finish him good soon.

Fuck! I knew it!! Malfoy. I'm gonna have to get him. It won't be easy. That bastard is protected. He's probably hanging around the Defence Against the Dark Arts room. Hey, here comes Neville. Hi Neville. Faggot.

Dirtypotter04

Ha.ha.Harry. Malfoy Malfeasance here.

Harry: Neville.
Neville: Ha.ha..Harry. I just saw Malfoy in the laundry with a pair of breasts with wires sticking out them.
Harry: Laundry? You mean library Neville. So it's a booby trap.
Neville: Yes Harry..but he's not alololololo....

I can't wait for Neville to spit it out. Hogwarts really does let in everyone these days. I rush towards the library. I look through the window. Malfoy! That asshole. He's here!!

Harry: Freeze mugglefucker!
Malfoy: Heh heh heh! You can't kill me Potter!! If you kill me, your friends die. I booby trapped the 'libarary', cop!
Harry: Library, you illiterate punk.

I take my Magnum out. Malfoy starts a move with his wand. Before he ends his stone form spell, Malfoy's left hand blows up into a fine bloody mesh. He's right. I didn't kill him. Slowed the mugglefucker down. Damn, why am I acting so Liberal today?

Chapter 2

Malfoy wakes up at the infirmary. His hand was cured with a paw-grow spell. It looks like new. Slytherin goons are standing by the door to bar entry. That really fat one eyes me slowly but makes no move to reach for his wand. Scared huh!

The smell of cheap healing spells assorts my nostrils as Ron and I enter the room. I see Malfoy in bed. He laughs, his bedclothes bouncing up and down as this bastard continues to draw breath.

Nurse: You can't stay here! This young man needs rest.
Harry: I bet he does. Go on Malfoy, spit it, where did you plant the bomb?
Malfoy: Bomb? Who said anything about a bomb cop?? I left real boobies in the lib..liba..I put razor blades in the plumbing. I hope no one will wash their hands when coming out the restrooms. Heh heh heh.

My fist crashes on Malfoy's nose. I don't have time to beat him up more, Ron can do that whilst I take care of the nurse. She spins across the room and hits the medicine cabinet. Dishes, plates and bottled organs cascade to the flood. I must go to the armory. I mean library.

Libararian: Hush!
Harry: Yeah right. You can't spell your job title either. Hogwarts is going to shit in a handcart.

I head towards the restrooms. A bullet in every water pipe. Razor blades shatter. Case closed. Now I can take care of Malfoy and find out who ordered this. There has to be a bigger fish behind him. Most likely Snape. I don't like Snape. He's always punishing me, even when it's not my fault. I really resent him. That sneering limey English accent. He's a real faggot.

Dirtypotter01

Do you feel lucky Malfoy. Sorry, let me lower my voice and repeat.

Damn it! Malfoy got away. Where could he be now? If I'm right he's at that bastard Snape's. I'll have to end this case quickly. Then take in some beers and hookers...and lose Ron.

Harry: Listen Ron, how about you take the day off ?
Ron: I don't know...
Harry: Take the day off. Get married, have kids or walk a dog. You stick with me and you'll be dead.
Ron: Thanks Harry!

Rid of that nimrod at last. And now, to Snape's office. God damn it.

Snape: Potter. I was waiting for you! With your girlfriend, as you can see!! Heh heh heh !
Malfoy: Heh Potter. Where's your friend? You're all alone!

Ginny! They're holding Ginny hostage. What a bunch of assholes. She's my secret lover. But I'm not too sure. I have a lot of concerns. I don't want to be responsible for her unhappiness. People around me all die one by one. God, I'm so sad inside.

Harry: Let her go assholes!
Snape: Heh heh, cop!
Ginny: I love you Harry but shoot me to save my body from these two perverts.

Malfoy is tapping Ginny's temples with his stick. A .44 Magnum bullet can go through a four inches concrete wall and retain enough velocity to turn a fucking criminal's head into a brain daiquiri. Needless to say Malfoy's spell-proof vest was useless when he got shot straight in the heart.

Harry: Wear a bullet-proof vest next time, so you can try something useless but coherent.

Snape looks like he understood I'm ready to put a bullet between his eyes too.

Snape: Listen Potter, we could talk! It wasn't me, I'm just following orders! I am easily lead.

Dirtypotter03

A bullet would be a relief from this wardrobe.

Fuck. There's someone else behind this. I'm not surprised in fact. Snape can't hold the job.

Harry: All right, talk. Maybe then I'll just shoot you in the foot.

Damn. Everybody's dirty in this case. Especially Ginny who's gonna have to take her robe to the cleaner, I think. Ha ha.

Ginny: Don't be late tonight Harry. You saved my ass and now I am ready to share it with you.

Dames. They're either at your throat or in your bed. Or both. I smile. I know my legal rights. I can kill before I reach 18 but can't legally jump in the sack with a woman. So it should be. Blow death before you suck on life.

I leave Ginny to clean up the Malfoy mess. I need to see the chief.

Harry: Captain!
Dumbledore: Not now detective, I must meet some shady politicians now.
Harry: But captain! It's an emergency!!
Dumbledore : Listen detective, I just quit smoking and divorced from my 4th wife and two of my best men died this morning, so now's not the time to piss me off! Come back later.

I don't like Dumbledore. He acts like I'm not even there. Nobody likes me anyway. I feel so lonely. Someone else needs to die today.

Dirtypotter 01

I want to nail Voldemort too.

Harry: Captain! About my case.
Dumbledore: You want a scotch, Harry?
Harry: Voldemort is behind all of this !
Dumbledore: As I thought. So, officially, I'm taking you off that case. It's getting too big for you.
Harry: But you can't let him get away like that !
Dumbledore: Take a few days off. Why don't you go visit Voldemort's hideout for example?
Harry: But that's crazy, I can't take vacations now!
Dumbledore: I learned from a reliable source that he leaves every day at 5 PM. That's funny because if he had an accident at that time, there wouldn't be any witness at all.
Harry: We can't just wait for an accident to happen! I want to stuff him with lead!!
Dumbledore: No no no ! Officially I don't want to know anything. I did say officially.
Harry: Do you have dust in your eye? Why are you winking like that??
Dumbledore: Take your gun and go kill him..
Harry: Oooooooooooooooh !

I really like Dumbledore, he's smart and he understands me. I really wouldn't want him to die, I would be too sad.

Dirtypotter02

Look up here Harry Potter.

Back to my home for now. My dump, as I should say. Lying on my bed in the Gryffindor tower, I can see my roommates contenting themselves with that rotten society. They do nothing to change it. Fucking hippies. When I think some of them called me a liar the first time I said I killed Voldemort, I feel sick. That's really mean. If I wasn't supposed to be the good guy they would be bleeding their guts out across the stone corridor. I need sleep.

Chapter 3

I wake up. My Magnum spent the night with me. Beautiful and honest. I'm going to get that bastard Voldemort today. I sling on my gun harness and put on my killing robes. The moment is here. I stick gum in my ears. Voldemort won't get into my head that way. No, don't listen to his mocking humor or you'll be the corpse.

I arrive in front of Voldemort's manor and chain my broomstick to the fence. Of course, Voldemort's not alone. Bellatrix is there too. She sees me before I can drop her for good.

Bellatrix: Heh heh heh heh! Potter!! We were waiting for you!!!
Harry: Get your wand out. Go ahead, make my day! I got only one bullet left in my gun, I'll have to reload before meeting your boss.
Bellatrix : Die!

She pulls out her wand. I pull out my Magnum. I feel the familiar weight of the weapon as I point it at Bellatrix, I aim down the sights. Before Bellatrix can cast her spell, I spring the trigger. Her head bursts like a supermarket watermelon, bits of skull and brain matter plastered the wall behind her. Her headless body falls to the ground, blood still spurting from what was left of her face. That whore. Nice tits though..shame.

Voldemort at last. The bastard who killed my parents. They were my only family. Boo hoo. I am going to kill him for mummy and daddy.

I level my piece at Voldemort but he sits there, passive as a Buddhist monk. Some dark magic going on. I hand over a bucket.

Dirtypotter05

I have to leave all this behind Ginny. You can use my bucket to clean up after I have gone.

Voldemort: Harry Potter. Ha...ar..y...Po..tter. You brought me Bellatrix?
Harry: The rest is outside. I left a mop by the door.
Voldemort: Do you want to know why I became evil? Why I turned away from virtue and flung myself into vice??
Harry: I couldn't give a game of bent Quidditch, you magic act of shit.
Voldemort: Pity. I had a more fun then than you are experiencing now. Aren't we all really wicked deep down? I just let mine bubble to the surface and cover my vicious, lickable body.

Should I kill him ? Would killing him make me as bad a man as he is? I've never killed anyone. Well, not since last time. I want to remain pure. Think about the Power of Love. That's what separates him from me. I'm not a murderer. Fuck it.

Harry: Say your last evil prayers Voldemort. Asshole.

My Magnum takes him down. Voldemort's corporeal form slumps and tumbles to the floor. I am looking at an empty chair. Voldemort's guts still stuck on the seat. Then I see him again, sitting once more like he is alive still. Damn Voldemort.

Harry:Don't you take death as a final answer? You waiting for some fucking sequel here??
Hermoine: Harry? Why are you talking to that chair?? There is no one there now!! Ginny's clearing up your mess outside.

Dame logic again. I need to go, leave this all behind. It's all over. I want to go far away from this world now. A voice in my head says 'Come on Harry, drop that wand and leave this stupid school'. I don't need a fucking stick, I don't need some middle aged woman writing my story anymore. I have my Magnum. I'll be 18 soon...


1dÉ

This article is based on the Désencyclopédian text Illittérature:Dirty Harry Potter, made freely available to French-speaking wildebeest gnus under the GFDL.

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