UnBooks:Dirty Harry Potter

My holster makes a bulge under my mage robe. Its presence comforts me. I can feel the weight of the .44 magnum, and the handle touching me through my shirt. It is my best friend. It, for one, never betrayed me.

Another rotten day at Hogwarts. This school is corrupted right down to the bone. They're all in the same boat. Someone has to change this.

First, there's the intolerant bastards. They hate half-bloods. Damn it, how I hate intolerant people. If it were up to me I'd line them up along a wall and put a bullet in each of their heads.

And all the people helping them. Supplying them. Covering them. Bunch of shit. Up the wall and a bullet. If only I had the power.

And all their passive accomplices. The cowards with little smiles, just watching evil at work. They're too happy those assholes are doing the dirty work for them. Scumbags. Up the wall, up the wall.

And there's those of you who don't even know about any of this. Yeah right. Goddamn hypocrites. I can't stand you. Same: up the wall, shot in skull.

And I'm not even talking about those on my side. What a pile of crap. I'd like to clean that up. With a large caliber round.

But unfortunately, I've got my orders. I have to enforce the law and I'm supposed to respect it. Do these assholes respect it? Then I don't see why I should. I didn't start this. I mean, really. And with those hormones rushing in and my voice changing it's not easy every day. Here comes Hermione. Hi Hermione. Bitch.

Captain Dumbledore wants me to investigate on the case of these psychedelic potion dealers who got put down on the fourth floor. Good thing. I hope it was painful. But the guys who did that are mean motherfuckers and they deserve to die. Well, "no mess-ups" Dumbledore said. What a coward.

Got to pick up my partner, Ron. That wimp. If only I didn't have him slowing me down. He forgot my birthday when I was stuck with my abusive uncle and aunt. I might forgive him. Someday. That's really not nice.

My broom has a hard time starting. We're heading for the crime scene. It's a fucking slaughter. The bodies are spread all across the place. There's a sound of padded steps: the caretakers cat walking around the pieces, inspecting them as if this were some kind of goddamn bakery. I don't like this cat. Nor the caretaker. He put me on detention duty, had me clean all the Quidditch trophies just because I put dirt in the hall coming back from Hagrid's. It's true that it was raining and my shoes were wet. It's also true that I had just put down two pimps. There was brain everywhere. I couldn't help it.

I'm sure Malfoy is behind all this. Or Snape. Or maybe they're both working for Voldemort. I don't like Malfoy. He has an ugly face. And he made fun of my dead daddy. This makes me. I want to shoot him in both his kneecaps.

No witnesses. Of course. There's a house-elf track in a pool of blood, though. I think I'll pay a visit to that little shit Dobby. He's probably still squatting in that same whorehouse.

"Tell me, Dobby you snitch, what happened yesterday on the 4th floor?"

"Dobby know nada, señor !"

"Come on you little piece of crap, spill your guts. You still got a brother in jail, don't you? How long did he get, Ron?"

"Fifteen years. And at Azkaban on top of that. Bet he gets ass-fucked every evening. I heard you're all fags in your family."

"No! That's no true, señor ! But . . . if you help his brother, maybe the memory come back to Dobby, okay, señor?"

"I thought of a better idea: you start talking or I'll arrange a probation for your brother. In a casket."

"All right, señor ! We make deal."

Fuck ! I knew it ! Malfoy. I'm gonna have to get him. It won't be easy. That bastard is protected. He's probably hanging around the Defence Against the Dark Arts room. Hey, here comes Neville. Hi Neville. Faggot.

Malfoy ! That asshole ! He's here !

Harry : Freeze motherfucker !
Malfoy : Heh heh heh ! You can't kill me Potter ! If you kill me, your friends die ! I trapped the libaray, cop !
Harry : Library, punk.

I take my magnum out. Malfoy starts a move with his wand. Before he ends his stone form spell, his left hand blows up into a fine bloody mesh. He's right. I didn't kill him.

Malfoy wakes up at the infirmary. His hand was cured with a paw-grow spell. It looks like new.

Nurse : You can't stay here ! This young man needs rest.
Harry : I bet he does. Go on Malfoy, spit it, where did you plant the bomb ?
Malfoy : Bomb ? Who said anything about a bombn cop ? I put razor blades in the plumbing. I hope no one will wash their hands when coming out the restrooms. Heh heh heh.

My fist crashes on Malfoy's nose. I don't have time to beat him up more. I must go to the libarary. I mean library.

Libararian : Hush !
Harry : Yeah right.

I head towards the restrooms. A bullet in every water pipe. Razor blades shatter. Case closed. Now I can take care of Malfoy and find out who comandeered this. There has to be a bigger fish behind him. Most likely Snape. I don't like Snape. He's always punishing me, even when it's not my fault. I really resent him.

Damn it ! Malfoy got away. Where could he be now ? If I'm right he's at that bastard Snape's. I'll have to end this case quickly.

Harry : Liste Ron, how about you take the day off ?
Ron : I don't know...
Harry : Take the day off.

Rid of that nimrod at last. And now, to Snape's office. God damn it.

Snape : Hi cop ! I was waiting for you ! With your girlfriend, as you can see ! Heh heh heh !
Malfoy : Heh !

Ginny ! They're holding Ginny hostage. What a bunch of assholes. She's my secret lover. But I'm not too sure. I have a lot of concerns. I don't want to be responsible for her unhappyness. People around me all die one by one. God I'm so sad inside.

Harry : Let her go asshole !
Snape : Heh heh, cop !

A .44 magnum bullet can go through a four inches concrete wall and retain enough velocity to turn a fucking criminal's head into a brain daiquiri. Needless to say Malfoy's spell-proof vest was useless when he got shot straight in the heart.

Harry : Wear a bullet-proof vest next time, so you can try something useless but coherent.

Snape looks like he undrestood I'm ready to put a bullet between his eyes.

Snape : Listen Potter, we could talk ! It wasn't me, I'm just following orders !

Fuck. There's someone else behind this. I'm not surprised in fact. Snape can't hold the job.

Harry : All right, talk. Maybe then I'll just shoot you in the foot.

Damn. Everybody's dirty in this case. Especially Ginny who's gonna have to take her robe to the cleaner, I think. Ha ha.

I have to see the captain and talk with him about this.

Harry : Captain !
Dumbledore : Not now detective, I must meet some shady politicians now.
Harry : But captain ! It's an emergency !
Dumbledore : Listen detective, I juste quit smoking and divorced from my 4th wife and two of my best men died this morning, so now's not the time to piss me off ! Come back later.

I don't like Dumbledore. He acts like I'm not even there. Nobody likes me anyway. I feel so lonely.

Harry : Captain ! About my case.
Dumbledore : You want a scotch, Harry ?
Harry : Voldemort is behind all of this !
Dumbledore : As I thought. So, officially, I'm taking you off that case. It's getting too big for you.
Harry : But you can't let him get away like that !
Dumbledore : Take a few days off. Why don't you go visit Voldemort's hideout for example ?
Harry : But that's crazy, I can't take vacations now !
Dumbledore : I learned from a reliable source that he leaves every day at 5 PM. That's funny because if he had an accident at that time, there wouldn't be any witness at all.
Harry : We can't just wait for an accident to happen ! I want to stuff him with lead !
Dumbledore : No no no ! Officially I don't want to know anything. I did say officially.
Harry : Do you have dust in your eye ? Why are you winking like that ?
Dumbledore : Take your gun and go kill him..
Harry : Oooooooooooooooh !

I really like Dumbledore, he's smart and he understands me. I really wouldn't want him to die, I would be too sad.

Back to my home for now. My dump, as I should say. Lying on my bed in the Gryffindor tower, I can see my roommates contenting themselves with that rotten society. They do nothing to change it. Fucking hippies. When I think some of them called me a liar the first time I said I killed Voldemort, I feel sick. That's really mean.

I wake up. My magnum spent the night with me. I'm going to get that bastard Voldemort. I arrive in front of his manor. Of course, he's not alone.

Bellatrix : Heh heh heh heh ! Potter ! We were waiting for you !
Harry : Get your wand out. Go ahead, make my day ! I got only one bullet left in my gun, I'll have to reload before meeting your boss.

Bellatrix : Die!

She pulled out her wand. I pulled out my magnum. I felt the familiar weight of the weapon as I leveled the magnum at Bellatrix, I aimed down the sights. Before Bellatrix could utter a spell I pulled the trigger. Her head burst like a watermelon, bits of skull and brain matter plastered the wall behind her. Her headless body fell to the ground, blood still spurting from what was left of her head. That whore.

Voldemort at last. The bastard who killed my parents. They were my only family. Boo hoo.

Should I kill him ? Would killing him make me as bas a man as he is ? I've never killed anyone. Well, not since last time. I want to remain pure. Think about the power of love. That's what separates him from me. I'm not a murderer. Fuck it.

Harry : Say your prayers, asshole.

It's all over. I want to go far away from this world now. Come on Harry, drop that wand and leave that world. I don't need it anyway, I have my magnum.