UnBooks:Diary of a Madman
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Diary Of A Madman
edit Day One
Hi, I'm new here! Nah, my name isn't "New Here", I just mean I'm new to this place. It should look all right when they finish fixing it up :)
I just finished watching season six of Keno on DVD. I've seen it over the years now and again, but it's only been in the last year or so that I watched the series in it's entirety and realized it was one of my favorite shows that I didn't know was one of my favorite shows 'cause it wasn't one of my favorite shows until I watched it and then it became one of my favorite shows. Yes, as a matter of fact, I can’t say that three times really fast.
edit Pedigree Pup
I do crosswords! I completed an entire book including the one about breakfast cereals beginning with the letter Q. I've been shaking so bad they put me on Prozac and Valium to settle my nerves but they where only temporary doses to get me over the hump while the Lexapro and Zoloft kicked in. But when the nurse wasn't looking, I slipped in some Viagra with my hourly dose! With this great combination of anti-depressants and Viagra, I have discovered when you don’t get a fuck, you don't give a fuck!
I don't have a very large vocabulary because I have a very small dictionary and I have the same waistline I had when I was three years old... err, I was a fat kid! But nonetheless, I have no idea who Mr. Keirshells is or what he said to me. Am I the only person on this flat planet who can understand every single word Bob-Cat Goldwaith says in all of his appearances on the Police Academy movies!? But for the first time in my life I have to say this... could you repeat the question? Also, could you use a form of dialect I am familiar with? I speak several languages fluently! Such as English, American, Australian and Canadian. I think he must have been speaking to me in Welsh, 'cause no-one understands the Welsh. Well, except the Welsh but if I understood the Welsh I would be Welsh but I am not Welsh so I don't understand the Welsh therefore I don't know whether he was talking to me in Welsh or not. What was I talking about? And who is this Harold person anyway? I don't understand a word he says, I think he is Welsh or something but I don't speak Welsh so I don't know why he has been trying to talk to me in Welsh when I clearly do not speak Welsh.
Keir-shells, Keirshells by the key shore? Maybe that's who Mr. Keirshells is but it still doesn't explain why he is speaking to me in Welsh when I do not speak Welsh.
edit Day Two
Being trapped inside this room reminds me of the time I voted for the revolving doorstop M&M. It never won (nothing I vote for ever wins) but I stand by my word til the day I die or next Monday at 7:30 p.m. I will never accept the letter Q as being a relevant species of the alphabettie spaghetti family. I wrote a poem today called "I'm a ding-a-ling, a rinky-dink-dink, a gong head, a hells bells for the 6 sister of no mercy convent and a stinker-bell when it comes to chiming in the wind" but so far I'm stuck on the 2nd line trying to think of something that rhymes with "I'm a ding-a-ling, a rinky-dink-dink, a gong head, a hells bells for the 6 sister of no mercy convent and a stinker-bell when it comes to chiming in the wind" but I am not a red bull. I don't have wings, nor sanitary pads. If I did, I may be able to master Welsh and know what the hell that clown from yesterday was saying to me and I might be able to start earning some frequent flier miles.
edit NO, HE DIDN'T WRITE IT
I WROTE THE SMEGGIN' THING MYSELF! Took me 10 minutes to write and 25 years later, I still have not received any royalties or commission fees. I am taking them to court and demanding they pay me the sum of $567 minus $305.30, multiplying it by 12 and adding then subtracting the amount of people who cared that Prince Big Ears and his Missus got married last week, times that by 1.21 giga-watts and then divide by the amount of mice who agree with "WHAT THE HELL IS A GOBOT?", then plugging the nuerophex into the LSPNQR-500 destabilize should jestingly override the K-F2 circuit causing the massive projector overload in the celery stick. Personally, I prefer the G-130. It is just like the G-120 only it comes with the side order of fries and a free walloping kangaroo that speaks Russian in seven other languages but cannot speak Welsh in Japanese for more then 5 precepts, otherwise he ceases to be able to use his heavenly functions for the 501 unit box (version 3 to be precise) and he is possibly a hermaphrodite on wheels but nothing is certain til we receive the JJ-E129 to code clearance the alpha channel over the manual auto sequence of pong-pong pew seats. Then carrying the .1 and dividing that by the retro gravity incline I should then be able to diverse it into matters of cardinality to a non-cryogenically frozen data base analysis system 5.1 with the 155 megabytes of extra ram to co-ordinate the perfect resolution and pixel state required to maintain optimal thorpedionixiode needed for the required gravitational pull of the atmospheric weigh ratio. Upon completion, this will make a great specimen to convert into a thermo-nutrient, capable of sending out proton torpedoes over a radius of ninety one point five seven quadrants in 3 milliseconds a gallon to move the bishop to the left. Checkmate! Yahtzee! I sunk your Connect 4! Of course, that's the broadened version. I could have said all that by just asking you to pull my finger. Though I will settle for a minimum order of fish & chips.
Today's Highlight: - Today the nurse let me use the computer. It has this weird internet browser on it I have never heard of called Mozilla... I wonder if it is any relation to Larryzilla & Curlyzilla?
edit Day 3
Me, Myself & I have been arguing amongst ourselves again. The dork that brought him into this argument should be shot for smuggling dope. That is STALK, you moron. Grow a brain. Shut up, or I'll run away with your shoe. I want to return home where I can sandpaper my car and lick light bulbs again without fear of knowing what it's like to drink lighter fluid. Did you know that the more times you run over a cat, the flatter it gets! It's a fact, look it up. I wouldn't lie to us.
If I fucked a wombat I could wrestle a wallaby in an crocodile swamp! Speaking of Chinese food, i rad rir rye rast right! It wasn't too bad, I made it myself. Still picking the cat hairs out from my teeth though! I have a sudden urge to lick my paws! Kind of like the time I got addicted to dog food! I had to get off it though. Each time I tried to lick my couch I fell off my balls!
edit I Reckons I Be 'ere A Fortnight Or So
Iz waz razed in 'a ruff from the bomb that landed next ta me sizta's joint last fwidee noit, neva will oi eva' stay en waytch the bloody friggen thunderbox swirl clockwize eva agen! If i could jus fiynd the woit kinda cwicket bet id be shaw to bash tha blasterd wallabees ed in wiff it! Fair dinkum, I've never seen a roo eat so much bloody choof in all me life! Struth, caw blimy, fuck me dead, me moufs as dry as a dead dingos donga, mayte! We nue it was tha roo's too cauws va neyxt dai they'd al stopped 'oppin around en where just like causualii walkin' roun' sayin "Hey man, don't point that fuckin' thing at me, man" en tha lil joey sittin in tha pouch takes a drag n says "Yeah, tell em to fuck off, mum!". If that kindergarden copppa was made ere in Ostraylee-a I'm shore the little whipper snapper would 'ave sed "boys ava donga and sheilas ava vajoynah"
p.s: I wrote p.s!
Today's Highlight:- I wrote a beautiful song and have transcribed it to tabliture.
- 6/9 timing in the key of E#/Hb
F|-doink-------------------------------------------------|-doink/\/\------------------------------------------------|| ||solo break--------------reek----------|| E|----------------------------------------------boing----|-------------------------clank clank----------------------|| ||---------------------------------hiss-|| D|------------bang---tink--------------------------------|----------------------------------------------------------|| ||--------roar--------------boing-------|| C|------------------------bang---------------------------|--------bang^screetch--------------------wobble----------*|| ||--------------------clash ------------|| B|------------------------------ding---ding---ding-------|---------------------------------------------------------*|| ||--------------------------------------|| A|-doink-------------------------------------------------|----------------------------------------------------------|| ||--bang bang lu-lu---------------------|| E|----------------------------------------------boing----|-------------------------------------bing---------boing---|| ||---------------------roarrrrrrrr------||
edit Day Fork
Where is Old York, Old Mexico & Old Jersey? Is there a place called Uohme & Healthyunannoyed? What happened to A, B and C- troit? If Geronimo was alive today, would he sky dive? Also, as he jumped, would he say "MEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeee"? Is there anywhere called HITissipi? Is there a Grassdeigo? Who is Ammi and why is it known as mine and not his or hers or theirs-ami? Is there anywhere called Hammeritmore? Do the people around the White House area really do their laundry by the tonne? What's a delphia and what do they fill it with? How come Bavarian Motor Works don't sell chocolate cars? Is Paris Hilton related to Las Vegas Club Med? It is questions like these that send a man so insane that he could end up in this place. I'll have to go see if he's here tomorrow.
edit Letter To My Mother
Upon reading this you have now been struck with a bad luck streak! You must reply and give me $50,000 or bad luck will strike you dead in your tracks in precisely 1 hour! This curse is irreversible, non refundable and will be very fatal if you choose to ignore it! Otherwise, should you choose to ignore this, bad fortune and luck is in store for you from the moment you look away or close this message! If you don't believe me, read these letters from my previous victims!
- "John Handoncock speaking here. When I first heard about the superstitious letter, I was just thinking it was another gag. But I fell off my motorcycle and ended up waking up in hospital with 2 broken legs, loss of my speech capabilities, a donated kidney from Michael Jackson and the fact that I now have to wear my asshole as an eye patch!"
- "Mr. Maniac sent me a superstition letter and I then started to realize my penis was shrinking. It is gone now and I do miss it" - Mike Hunt
- "My name is Mrs. Far Cough and after reading the thread I found I had started to grow hair all over my titties! It went all the way down to my newly grown penis!"
- "Before I closed this window, I was sure this was bullshit but now I'm stuck with 7 children and watch the Disney channel non-stop all day when I'm not listening to babies scream and change smelly diapers. Save yourself." - Heywood Jablomei Insteadhunny"
- "When I ignored this thread my ass started to get bigger and its still growing. Scientific results are telling me that by 2010 my ass will have its own satellite" - J'lo
- "Hi, my name is Llub Parc. Upon reading this guy's message, I chose to ignore it and I was struck dead by a bus."
This curse is irreversible on the giver. There is a superstitious force-field protecting me from any spells and curses in attempts to get back at me and applies to all those who read this as soon as the message is opened. So if you ignore my plea for bail money you will die a horrible fucking death, you tight-ass cunt.
p.s: Say hi to dad for me.
edit Day 5ive
Well, I'm male. But I do know the feeling of pre-menstrual tension. I've had diarrhea for the last few days and the cramps are unbearable at times. I sometimes only just make it to the can and I'm spluttering and farting into the bowl. It just bubbles and gurgles out. Loud, seemingly endless machine gun sounds echo throughout the room as my projectile shits shoot into the water, causing it to splash back up all over my arse and leave me with even more to clean up. I then go to wipe and even though I fold the toilet paper in half, I still manage to push too hard on the paper. As a result, my fingers go through the paper and into my arse. God, I hate that. Even when you wash your hands with all the soap and deodorant you can find, you can still smell it. The smell probably isn't there but it's still imprinted in your mind... you know, like when you squash a fly with your hand and you become very aware of that particular spot on your hand as if it were a germ ridden ghost haunting you.
So anyway, you wipe and you've used the last of the T.P. and you casually try to go back to doing something else but you feel it coming on stronger and harder than it was before and it's not going to wait, it's coming now... the Osama babies are ready to be born. So you drop your dacks and splatter out another round. This goes on all day. You wipe your arse so much it eventually feels like you're wiping with sandpaper. You put the paper in the refrigerator then you go back to the can to find out the last time you used up all the paper and didn't have time to buy more. You end up unraveling the cardboard bit of the toilet roll to wipe with and you end up paper-cutting your arsehole so not only is it spurting out like hell, it's also red raw and bleeding now! For the first time ever, you wish the fuckin' cat would decide to wonder in to rub against your leg like it does every other time you don't have the runs.
Sometimes I would prefer to have P.M.S. over diarrhea because at least you can go about your business. When I want to get somebody back for sticking my tooth brush up their butt (bristles first) I could just use my PMS to get them back. I'd use slices of bread as a Tampax for the period then I would roll them into balls and flatten them a bit then fry them in some batter and coat them with sugar and offer those bastards a nice jam-donut!!!!!!
Also, maybe instead of focusing on it being a curse, you could use it for good. Now, there are many things you can get out of what I'm about to tell you. You know how you're having your period and you still get horny sometimes but you would feel too ashamed or embarrassed to have sex with someone while you're on your rags? Well, there is an alternative solution. Re-decorate your room in Japanese decorations, throw up some bamboo shoots and get one of those low down beds they have. Then simply put a white sheet on your bed. Then turn out the lights and invite your partner over for a good ol' booty waxing session. And in the morning, when you both get out of bed, you will notice there is a huge red ROUND stain in the middle of the sheet but only you will know what it REALLY is because they're just going to think it is a sheet with the Japanese flag on it!!! Then you could sell that sheet on E-bay!!!! Pure profit!!!!
Today's Highlight: Bidding for the sheet is up to twelve bucks already!
edit Daisy 666....9
Maniacs log. Star date: Twenty-twenty-something rounded off to the nearest decimal. We've begun our journey to find our missing man. He was last seen on the 10th ion of February with a 3 breasted Ewok. We've salvaged together a one man crew to search for the man who can only be referred to by his underwear size. We will have up-to-date updates on tracking down the whereabouts of the man they call "Tinkerbell". We will avoid entering black hole causing milky-ways at all costs but I am without contraceptives, so please leave... me... the... fuck... alone.
We've begun our search in one of "Tinks" known hangouts. We've entered the 6 Sisters of Absolutely No Mercy Convent School and proceeded to enter the locker rooms. We have located sniffed panties, tried on bras with a DNA match to one Tinkerbell J. Esquire and a pair of worn out dentures with expired cabbage seeds. Unfortunatley, the trail is cold here, not one sign of Tinks. Where should we try now Mr. Spock? (How about the dumpster behind KFC?) All engines forward Mr. Sulu, steady as she goes.
Maniacs log; Brown. Stinky. Remind me to flush. No picture available. We've searched all cheap take-away restaurants in the search for Tinks and still no sign of him. We have an anonymous tip that he may be lurking in sector 7 at the Hairy Palms strip club and all-you-can-eat buffet. It is a well known fact that it is a rough area of town, so we will proceed with caution and our butts plugged up with silly putty.
We have located a worker here named Bidgie-Bidgie-Boo-Boo who says Tinks is a regular of hers. However, she too is fucked if she knows where Tinks is. Miss Bidgie-Bidgie-Boo-Boo has given us substantial information about Tinks' fetishes for cheese omelets in butt gravy. He apparently is also a regular visitor to Vegemite Valley. Miss B.B.B.B. has no nipples and is made out of plastic. We have now melted her down with our phasers. (Captains Reminder: I am now WITH contraceptives.)
Captains log; Wood. Tree. Cedar. Established a notion I can't fuck with, so on with the search for Tinks. We're fucked if we can find Tinks. This mission is a bust, Mr. Scotty. Would you beam us up again, please? Set the war-plus torpedoes for stun, fire up the auxillary boosters and like, get us the fuck out of here.
edit I Hate Clowns
I don't like that Ronald McDonald prick. That McFuck has always given me the McShits. Standing with all those McKids around him, looking at his big McShoes. ANY ONE WHO WEARS SHOES LIKE THAT IS A FUCKIN' CLOWN! He has got a white face and he likes children... sounds like someone else I know. Michael McJackson! So I go out of my way to piss off the McDonalds people. I like to go through their McDrive-through and order a whole lot of McShit and then drive through without giving them the money! They make up a whole lot of McShit for me and I piss off on 'em!
It's also fun to order some McShit and then ya pick up your order, drive around the block and then ya come back and say, 5 Big Macs are missing when really you've stashed 'em away. So ya pinch ya kids to make them cry, ya know, really sell the situation! Then the McFuckers say, Are you sure? I did that order and you just yell at them, ARE YOU CALLING ME A FUCKIN' MCLIAR?, then ya get a few free things and take em home for ya dogs or something! However, one day when a stubborn little cunt was serving us, he wouldn't gimmie 'em! So I say, GET ME YOUR FUCKIN' MCMANAGER, YA FUCKIN' MCCUNT. The little McCunt said that he wouldn't "tolerate my behaviour". So I said, It's my fuckin' McRight to get what I McOrdered and McPaid for. If I feel like McComplaining, I'll fuckin' McComplain! I swear I'll fuckin' McSue yas, just like that woman in McAmerica who McSued ya for spilling hot coffee on her McCunt. You're Mclucky my McCock wasn't in her or yad have been sued for 12 times as McMuch! And get me a free Big Mac and make sure you put plenty of McMayonnaise on the bastard. If it ain't got McMayonnaise, I can't fuckin' McTaste the thing and what's with this shit about calling them chips "fries"? We're in McAustralia! It's not McFries, it's MCCHIPS! If I have to come in here toMcMorrow and you ain't changed it to McChips, I'll cause you some serious fuckin' McPain. Now I'm gonna go take a McShit in your McToilets and leave yas a McNugget and when I come back out, I want you to have filled this McThing with McServiettes and McStraws so I can McPinch 'em and when you McFill it back up, I'll McPinch 'em again!
So I go to the McToilets and don't ya just fuckin' hate it when you're in the men's room and the bloke next to yas got a quarter-pounder and you've only got a junior burger! So when I come out of the toilet, who should I see sittin' in McDonalds? Garfunkel without Simon! I said to the McManager, What the fuck is he doing here? You've already got one red headed clown here The manager went to get me my McBurger and I said Make sure you put plenty of McPickles on it, in case I wanna take a nap and put em over me McEyes, ya McCunt! then I McFucked off.
I went back through the drive through and ordered the wrong shit just for my own personal McAmusement! They said, Can we take your order? Then I said Yeah, a large pizza supreme "What?" You heard me, a Kentucky dinner box! The kids love that because when I go through the drive-through, they're already laughing 'cause they know I'm gonna order the wrong shit! Kids love it. But that Ronald McDonald, I hate that bastard. Both him and M.J stick their meat in 9 year old buns. He's dead now. Died when he was taken to hospital and woke up in the children's ward. He thought he was in heaven and his heart give way from the excitement of seeing the all you can eat menu.
I almost hate Ronald more then I hate Kernel Sanders. I don't like that prick either with that smug look on his face and a sarcastic voice Ohhh, you're gonna buy my chicken? and as if the secret herbs and spices are such a secret. We know what one of the secret herbs and spices are and we know what those little green bits of leaf are. He puts 'em in there so you will become addicted and crave more. He's also a sick bastard. His "finger lickin'" good wife died so he cremated the poor bitch in his secret herbs and spices and sold 'em to bloody Ronald McDonald as Ovaltine flavour for their McFlurries. It's a sick world in the take-away industries these days, I tell ya.
edit Days 7.3
I've been working as a doctor recently, til they found out I wasn't qualified! But because I am a clever bastard, I stole one of the doctor's white coats and decided to become a doctor for the day. And fuck, was it exciting! First off, I started out by deciding to introduce myself to a patient in need! I said Hello ma'am, I am Dr. Dickhead. If you could please take off your blouse and say AHHHHH for me, that would be good. She actually did it too! So I thought I'd like to see the rest of her so I put my hands on her tits and said, Do you know what I'm doing? She said Yes, you're examining me for breast cancer I thought, it's good being a doc! I took off her pants and felt up her arse and said, Do you know what I'm doin' now? - She said "Yeah, you're checking me for lumps of cancer. Now I was thinking it's REALLY good to be a doc! I ripped her underwear off and proceeded to [[sex|fuck her]! I said, Do you know what I'm doing now? She said, "Yeah, you're getting herpes!
So anyways, after my first client, I decided I was a bit hungry, so I went off to the cafeteria and I met this bloke who was studying to be a medical examiner! I was talking to him for a bit and he said he had graduated top in his class of GUESSING patients symptoms before examination! I said, Okay then, we shall have a bet. We will guess the symptoms of the next person to walk through those doors! Sure enough, a bloke walks through the doors. He was an old bloke of about 70. He walks in holding his stomach and crouching over! I said, He has got a kidney infection! The other bloke reckons he has got a bad back! So we go up to the old guy and I says to him, I think you have a kidney infection and my pal here reckons you have a bad back. Which is it? The old timer says, Well, you thought I had a kidney infection but I'm afraid you were wrong. And you thought I had a bad back but I'm afraid you were wrong too! You see, I thought I had to fart but I'm afraid I was wrong!
So after that I pissed off down to the practice rooms and we detoured through the maternity ward because I heard a rumor the women in there put out. So I makes my way into the practice, which makes me wonder why all these people in need of medical assistance go to the practice. I would rather someone who has experience, but anyway, I see a guy yelling at a doctor, and he's yelling, You can do what a duck can't do. Stick your bill up your fucking ass. You bastards only wear face-masks so that if the operation ain't a success, no-one will know which bastard did it! So I said, Rodney, how the fuck are ya? Nice to meet, ya trendsetter He looked at me and said Are you my doc, you white coated prick? I said, I might as fuckin' well be... come with me ya weasel wart. So I take him into a room and decided to make up a phony diagnostic report for him and I said, I've got good news and bad news for you. He said What's the good news? I said Ya might die. He said What's the bad news then? I said to him, "Ya see that nice nurse over there with the big tits? He smiled delightfully and said "YEAH?" I said Well, I'm fuckin' rootin' her. He said Is that right, ya white coated prick? and proceeded to kick the shit out of me with his size 21 clown shoes!
Rodney forgave me when a nice lady with nice tits walked in and asked for a doctor and he said I'm no gynecologist but I'll take a look at it for ya. So Rodney left and I headed to the ER. On my way, I had to walk back past the practice and I overheard this woman talking to her doc. The doc asked her what was wrong. She said Well, those hormonal pills you gave me have caused hair to grow all over my titties! The doc was puzzled and said, Well, how far does the hair go? She said Right down to my fucking dick. That's another thing I want to talk to you about.
I also happened to notice that in the next room a doctor was writing a prescription with his thermometer, I said, "Doc, you do know you're writing with a thermometer, right? He said, Oh shit, some asshole's got my pen! When they realized I wasn't a doctor, they tried to bill me for it, so I told the doc billing me he could do what a duck can't and stick his bill up his fucking ass. I learned that from that guy I passed before. That doctor also learned something too because he now wears a tampon behind his ear to remind him of the cunt who stole his pencil. Anyway, the day is just repeating itself now, I must be off. I'm parked in a handicap space with ski-racks on the roof!
edit Gastroke By-pass Operation
Your powers are fair, but no skill to match the force I posses. I have caused hurricanes, tornadoes, blown houses away, blown houses up, started earthquakes and had 175 feet of bright orange flame light up the night sky just because I stood within seven yards of a struck match! I can fart with such great force and magnitude that I can levitate!!!! Kids gather behind me with their overcoats over their nose and holding up their kites while daredevils buy gas masks and then bring their para-sailing kits to glide behind me.
I've blown the doors off a Porsche, sent cows flying through the air, sent Maggie Thatcher back to Oz on her broomstick and knocked freshly made KFC out of the sky when I held a match up to my butt while teasing a school of flying birds! The only downfall to having these superpowers is that Marvel won't damn well make a comic book based on my life and the fact that it is impossible to make clothes that don't disintegrate or explode to shreds upon the initiation of my epic farts. Sometimes, my earth shattering farts end up with the worse follow-through. Never mind, it's too gross to explain.
Do you really have the power to challenge me to a fart off contest? Because I will go into training again on a diet of baked beans, Mexican food and curry to prepare but I cannot be responsible for innocent bystanders. If they get too close, they will be like a spider blowing in the wind and then getting a grand piano rammed through them at one thousand miles per hour!!!
Just to let you know, this power of mine has been passed down from generation to generation. My great, great, great grandfather was the man who started the great London & Chicago fires. Both times, he was just roasting marshmallows with a self-produced flame in Brazil!!!!
__ __/o \__ \____ \ __ //\ \ __/o \-//--\ \_/ \____ ___ \ | || \ |\ | _|| _||_||
edit Day 8
I didn't have a day 8. I forgot about it and missed the whole thing.
edit Day Nein
Today, the nurses had me participate in an inter-patient dating service. We had to sit and tell everyone about ourselves in front of a camera. I reckon I'll be rolling in pussy by next week.
My speech went like this
Abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz. Now I know my ABC's, next time won't you sing with me? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, once I caught a fish alive, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, then I let him go again. Why did I let him go? 'Cause he bit my finger. Which finger did he bite? This little finger on my right. 1, 2, Freddy's cumming on you. 3, 4, your mom's a whore. five, six, your dad has no dick. 7, 8, your periods late. 9, 10, you're knocked up again. Mary had a little bike, the pump was up the front. And every time she hit a bump, the pump went up her cunt. It went up so hard one day, so hard one day, so hard one day. It went up so hard one day, it nearly split her in half! All the children laughed and cried, laughed and cried, laughed and cried. All the children laughed and cried, they almost pissed there strides! Boy, this is big isn't it? My, oh my, how long can you make one of these fucking things last? Shit, I said fuck, fuck! I said shit... have I said cunt yet?
Unfortunately, they told me to shorten my video down.
I would have been more successful if nobody snitched on me.
What I am looking for in female requirement system: Heart!!! And the best way to get to it is with a sharp knife. Also, she must be able to fart roses, toss salads well and not be afraid to burp the alphabet constantly during Sunday night bingo."
If that doesn't spell out how much of a romantic catch I am, then they deserve to be killed.
edit Daytona 10
Shit... pickle. Pickle, pickle pickle, pickle shit shit pickle shit shit pickle, pickle PICKLE... shit. Shittttttttttttttttttttttttt pickle pickle-pickle-shit. (SHIT) pickle, pickle shit shitttttttttt pickleeeeeeeeeeee SHIT SHIT SHIT-SHIT. Pickle? Shit! Shit Pickle pickle pickle pickle shit. Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shitttttttttttttttt pickle. PICKLE SHIT PICKLE SHIT, PICKLE-SHIT-SHIT... shit. Pickle shit shit pickle, pickle, shit shit, shit pickle; Pickle shit-shit, pickleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee shitttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt pickle pickle pickle, pickle! "Pickle, shit"; Pickle; shit shit. (Shit pickle) Shit shit pickle pickle shit, pickle, shit pickle, shit shit shit SHIT shit shit SHIT shit shit, Shit pickle. Shit! Shit pickle pickle pickle pickle shit. Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shitttttttttttttttt pickle. PICKLE SHIT PICKLE SHIT, PICKLE-SHIT-SHIT... shit. Pickle shit shit pickle, pickle, shit shit, shit pickle.
Shit! Shit pickle pickle pickle pickle shit. shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shitttttttttttttttt pickle. PICKLE SHIT PICKLE SHIT, PICKLE-SHIT-SHIT... shit. Pickle shit shit pickle, pickle, shit shit, shit pickle. SHITTTTTTTTTTTT PICKLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE pickle pickle pickle SHIT.
edit Pickle Shit
Shit! Shit pickle pickle pickle pickle shit. Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shitttttttttttttttt pickle. PICKLE SHIT PICKLE SHIT, PICKLE-SHIT-SHIT....shit. Pickle shit shit pickle, pickle, shit shit, shit pickle.Shit! Shit pickle pickle pickle pickle shit. Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shitttttttttttttttt pickle. PICKLE SHIT PICKLE SHIT, PICKLE-SHIT-SHIT... shit. Pickle shit shit pickle, pickle, shit shit, shit pickle. Shit! Shit pickle pickle pickle pickle shit. Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shitttttttttttttttt pickle. PICKLE SHIT PICKLE SHIT, PICKLE-SHIT-SHIT... shit. Pickle shit shit pickle, pickle, shit shit, shit pickle. Shit! Shit pickle pickle pickle pickle shit. Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shitttttttttttttttt pickle. PICKLE SHIT PICKLE SHIT, PICKLE-SHIT-SHIT... shit. Pickle shit shit pickle, pickle, shit shit, shit pickle.
Today's Highlight: Shit pickles.
edit Day Eleventeen
I stumbled into the bathroom today, and as you know, this is a hospital that they keep us locked up in here, so the toilets are shared with many other butt-fuck insane colleagues. So I went in for a piss and what do I find? Shit all over the inner rim of the bowl! To fix this, all of us men (or hermaphrodites, I'm not completely sure) follow the unwritten law to do our part for the environment by aiming our piss streams directly at the stuck feces to clean it off or at least loosen it for the next guy to piss it off. As I was doing my part for the community, I had a revelation. How did that shit get there in the first place? Call me crazy, but when I take a dump, my turd plops directly into the water and sometimes it causes a ripple to splash water back up into my anus. This is a mystery that has riddled man since the time toilets where invented with water in the bottom. As to how that splash always manages to hit you back in the chocolate star fish with a direct bulls-eye to the very center. But that's not what I am wondering about. I am wondering how the hell someone can go for a poo and manage to hit the sides of the bowl?
Do they have to shit sideways or something? Is there some sort of positional aiming device inside their ass that has gone haywire and I was not born with? When you take a slam dump, how can your aim be so off that you hit the rim? Am I special that I can take a crap and land a swish? My only thought on how they achieve this is they must be practicing yoga on the toilet and have one of their legs behind their head at the time of bombs away! The other conclusion of mine is that maybe they are a long distance pooper. Aiming the shot from the cubicle door is worth 3 points to them perhaps? But I have never seen anyone doing this, have you? It must be a secret sports league, perhaps run by the Free Masons. That must be it! I have uncovered the mysteries and the secret going-ons of the Free Mason clan! That is the secret they have kept from society for so long. It must be them, as I know for sure it is also them who steal socks from the laundry baskets, leaving people to never be able to find a matching pair. I know it is them. For many years, I was a suspect myself but Batman caught them in the act and my innocence was restored.
edit What a Load of Red Bull
Today we went to a farm. It was nice to get out and smell the fresh cattle manure blowing in the breeze. The farmer told me his prize cow had just had a calf, which he said had taken a long time to do, as the bull wouldn't mate with the cow. He said he finally received advice from another farmer who said what you need to do stick your fingers inside the cow's vagina, rub it around a bit to get the juices flowing then rub your fingers under the bulls nose and it will get turned on and proceed to hump the cow... which it did. It worked like a charm and the end result was the baby calf that he was proudly displaying.
When we got back to head-quarters, I felt rather frisky myself. I wondered if the same method the farmer explained would work on humans? So I wondered out of my room and down the hallway to see the night nurse who was a beautiful thick blond bombshell with breasts that could make a Catholic Priest prefer them over little boys. She is always sleeping during her night shift and tonight was no different. I quietly opened the door to her nurse's station and found her asleep at the desk, laid back in her chair with her arms crossed and legs up on the desk. I wanted to make the mood romantic, so I switched off the lights, then I gently pried her legs apart then ran my hand down between her legs. I inserted my fingers and could feel her getting moister by the second. I removed my fingers from her axe-wound and rubbed the juices under my nose. It does work! I felt randier then Micheal Jackson watching Sesame Street! My bulge was begging to be freed, so I shook the nurse to wake her up to show her I wanted her right there and then she woke up in a panic, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? she cried. I said, I want to show you something. She reached over and turned the desk lamp on then looked at me, then said, You woke me up just to tell me you had a blood nose? - sigh :(
Today's Highlight:- I'm Batman... no, wait. Being Batman is one of the worst super heroes you could be. I'd just be a man with in a large amount of debt to pay off all those gadgets. And it would be awkward as hell being part of the Justice League and everyone uses their power to fuck off somewhere, and I have to run, drive or swing. Fuck that. Besides, all it would take to reveal my true identity is for someone to use a gun, and shoot me in the mouth. Bang! I'm dead. Fuck that. Even if they didn't want to kill me, all they would need to do is construct a light beam ray capable of firing the same amount of radiation the sun gives off. Then my face would be sunburned for weeks, and I couldn't go out of the house without risking my true identity being revealed that my mouth and jaw are burned, while the redness around my eyes reveal the same outline of the cowl. And god help me if some crook should decide to throw acid in my face. No, I am not Batman, I am Iron Man. Yes, me I have lost my mind, la dadadada something da da. Fuck Batman.
edit Day 12nd
I'd eaten these cheap rubbery lolly/candy things called a party mix. And 2 days later I was having trouble pooping them out. My turd felt like I was pushing out a tennis ball through something the size of a penny. I was pushing and squeezing but it wouldn't come out. So I was using some toilet paper on my fingers to pinch it to help it escape my bowels but that didn't work. So I ended up having to stick my fingers up my ass and try to mush it up but even that failed to work as my turd felt as hard as rubber. I was already prairie-dogging, so I couldn't get up and walk out of the bathroom with half a log hanging out my ass to fetch a stick or some sort of utensil to chop the turd up in my butt, so I had no choice but to just try and squeeze as hard as I could and make it come out of there. So I took a deep breath and pushed and after several minutes, I'm glad to tell you... it was a boy! Too bad I never got to see him, he hid under the toiler paper and I wasn't going fishing even though I already had doodie on my fingers. So he was flushed away and I was happy to think of him later on that day when I dropped my first post-turd fart.
edit Bottom Ten Things That Piss Me Off
- People who say "I could care less." The correct term is COULDN'T care less! If you say you COULD care less then you could actually care a little less then you do about what you are saying you do not care about whereas if you say you couldn't care less then you have no-where further to go on how much you don't care about what it is you don't care about.
- People who say "Epic fail" You sound like faggots, stop saying it. It's as retarded as all those girls who take photos of themselves by turning their heads to the side and puckering their lips. It's just dumb. It's not sexy, stop doing it.
- Lesbians who use strap-on's in porno movies and act like they enjoy having it sucked. WHAT THE FUCK is all that about? She has a prosthetic dick attached to her groin and some other whore is stupid enough as it is to act like she's enjoying sucking off a hunk of plastic yet the giver is acting like she can somehow feel the fake dick being sucked off and that it's giving her pleasure??? What the fuck is all that about? Do women always fake it so unconvincingly like that in the real world?
- Porno Movie Story Plots Who writes this shit? A woman goes into K-mart to buy a toothbrush and figures while she's waiting in the checkout line, she may as well blow someone. Why does this never happen to me when I go to K-Mart? I am suing porno movie writers for false advertising right after I'm done suing Hue Hefner for giving me carpel-tunnel in my wrists.
Today's Highlight: I produced a fart that smelled like that smell of a scab after you take a band-aid off that's been on it for a few days. It also was so high pitched it sounded like the first note to the guitar solo of AC/DC's "Snowballed"!
edit Day 44 and a 4th
Tomorrow night I watched Batman. Not the new ones, the old one, which is actually the second but it's considered the original 'cause no one from 1945 is alive anymore. There was this scene where The Joker sends a Polaris missile from a submarine into the sky to write a joke. It puzzled me how a Polaris missile came flying out of the water like that. I mean, the submarine must have been vertical to do such a thing and shoot it through the water and into the sky. I bet the crew where pissed that all their chess pieces suddenly fell down to the back of the ship... unless they had magnets, which would be good to find small steel balls with that they lost from their Parker Brothers baseball game when the ship turned into an underwater dildo with a cum shot explosion out of the water. Are they sure this is a kids movie?
The Polaris exploded and Batman said it wrote a joke before it exploded... which is WRONG, DUHHHHHHHHHHH, it exploded to WRITE the messages. Fuck, Batman sure is a dumb cunt!!! Anyway, the joke reads "What weighs 16 ounces, sits in a tree, and is very dangerous?", to which the Boy Wonder next to him says, "A sparrow with a machine gun"... WHAT? A sparrow with a machine gun? Are you fucking kidding me?????? A canary with a nuke remote is just as fucking dangerous. Hell, even a pigeon with a grenade or a severed penis with AIDS. What about a group of army ants carrying a condom filled with plastic explosives, wouldn't that be just as dangerous as this poor innocent sparrow having the finger pointed at him as being the most dangerous thing to ever sit in a tree next to a machine gun. Does anyone know if the gun was even the sparrow's? Maybe a fucking cockatoo bought it, and the sparrow was just holding it for a friend?
So let's say this damn sparrow is the owner and he does know how to use it and it does have such a hair trigger on it so that the little bird's wings can actually fire it... HOW THE FUCK IS HE SUPPOSED TO AIM? The force from the firepower would blow the fucking gun and the bird backwards. It's just fucking ridiculous to think that a sparrow with a machine gun is considered to be such a deadly threat to anyone in the first place. I don't even care one little bit about how the sparrow managed to get the gun up the tree, let alone if he even has a firearms license to use the gun or not, but would someone please tell me one thing (and it's the most important thing I could ever ask you)? If women think they should be treated as equals, why don't they stand between the sum and the answer???????
- Today's Thought: Woman's golf is not a sport and why is it when a woman gets a vibrator, it's seen as a bit of naughty fun? BUT when a guy orders a 240 Volt FuckMaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll with 6 speed pulsating pussy, elasticized anus with non-drip semen collection tray, together with optional built in realistic orgasm scream surround sound system, he's called a pervert!
edit Tomorrow's Just the Future Yesterday
Today, I realized I am not even in the hospital. I am just a figment of <insert name here>'s imagination. Many rational and irrational revelations have transpired in my psychological poopy-dooped mind in recent seconds. I have come to terms with the fact that people will always make cripple jokes, but I for one cannot stand them. Others will always make fun of blind people, something I cannot see the point of, but the gay jokes... cum on guys, seriously? Oh, and the last thing, I don't want to ever hear another vagina joke. Period.
While I am on the subject of Jewish chefs' influence on the pastry crew of Star Gate, those pastries looked AMAZING. But fuck paying for them. Which reminds me, I have a question for anyone who can answer it. Do porno actors get paid or do they get laid for free? I can't help but wonder if Ron Jeremy pays for sex or if the women in that industry say, "OK, I'll fuck Super Mario's dad in the next scene". I would like to get into the porno industry and I expect it to be like any other job. You usually make your way up in the company, so most likely I would start off by mopping the floors and cleaning sheets but then I would move onto script developments where I would make porno movies more believable. In the most recent movie, I watched for 3 minutes and 12 seconds before I lost interest in it. There was a scene where a man was in his office and his secretary was typing something up on her typewriter. The boss then said to his secretary, "My friends from another planet just arrived. They each have 3 dicks, which are 14 inches long each and their cum tastes like chocolate. They are all extremely horny and would like a woman to treat like the little whore that she is and fill her black hole with their milky way juice, bang her through Uranus, and then shit in her mouth when they are done". The secretary agrees to this and she attends an intergalactic gang bang! Now, call me crazy, but this sort of shit is just unrealistic. I mean, WHO THE FUCK uses a typewriter these days?
P.M.S.U.S.S: I discovered that getting a fat girl into bed is a peace of cake. Not only that, but my dick was recently in the Guinness Book of Records! No joke! I swear it's true. I would not lie, at least not about that. The unfortunate part tho is the librarian caught me and kicked me out!!
Jerry's Final Thoughts
- Username: <insert name here>
- Masturbation difficulty: Expert!