Diary of a Fat Girl was a lesser known novel written by an unknown fat girl and published by renowned talk show host and stripper Oprah Winfrey. It sold moderately, and Mrs. Winfrey was able to retire from being President of the United States of America to a quiet apartment in Manhattan.
Today I have received you for my thirteenth birthday. Let me introduce myself. My name is Britney Chutts. I am about 5'1", which is pretty short, mother says. I weigh about 198.5 pounds, but I am at peace with that. For my birthday, my parents also got me a book called Now That You are Almost a Woman and a strange sort of undergarment. I asked what it was. Mother hesitated for a second then said that it was to help me with understanding my growing body. Next was cake. There was a triple chocolate fudge three-tiered affair for me, and a vanilla cake for the rest of the guests. I finished the chocolate cake in about 3 minutes. I prepared to have a piece of the other cake when mother said, "Dear, maybe you should leave some cake for the rest of the guests. It was then that I realized-----
I have been wearing the new undergarment for about a week now. It is very uncomfortable; I think it is too tight. But today, father came home from work with terrible news. We're MOVING! I was so sad that I cried myself to sleep. I wanted to say goodbye to all my friends, but I didn't have any friends to say goodbye to. When I woke up, I realized that I was going to a new school. Then a terrible thought hit me. What if they think
I started school today. I searched my schedule for my classroom, but alas, I could not find it. I finally waddled into class 15 minutes late. I got a little stuck in the narrow doorway and the teacher had to pull me inside. I thanked her and turned to the class. For some reason that I could not fathom, all the students were crying with laughter. The teacher could not restore order for a full five minutes. Somewhat confused, I laughed along. The teacher sat me down in the front row. From there, I could hear the other pupils whispering. "Look how big she is!" "She looks like an elephant." "That's a hugeee Bitch!", "She got stuck in the door!" After hearing this, I realized with a terrible shock that my classmates think
I'm fat fat FAT FATfatFATFAT!!!
While I received this horrible revelation, the teacher told my name to the class. "Britney Chutts?" they whispered. Then a boy shouted, "Ha Ha, BUTTS!!!!!" I just about died. In only the first half hour of school and had been crowned the class idiot, an object of ridicule, a pitiful FAT bloated creature. I'm going to committ suicide.
I did not committ suicide. Daddy hid all the knives and rope. Oh well. School has actually gotten better. The custodian enlarged the door so that I could fit in without using I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. Plus, I am at the top of my class, exceprt inn speling. For some reason, all the boys say, "Butts are smart! Ha!" It is really very strange. I have gotten used to the name Butts, but today, something awful happened. While the teacher was taking roll, she called out my name as Butts! I didn't answer, as I was so shocked. The teacher looked up amid snickers from the class and said to me, Butts, why didn't you say 'here'?" I was so traumatized that I fainted. I woke up in the nurse's office with the realization that my teacher thinks I am hopelessly, irredeemably fat fat FAT FATfatFATFAT!!!
I ran home and cried myself to sleep. I think that I'm going to committ suicide.
Today we got a new student. Finally! His name is Pedro, and the cutest, buffest hunk I've ever seen. He'll never know who I am, only who Butts is. He'll never be mine. He probably thinks I'm so fat fat FAT FATfatFATFAT!!! I think that I'm going to committ suicide.
I met Pedro today. He seems nice, but for some reason has these terrible seizures when I'm around. When I go over to his desk, he'll get this crazy look in his eye, like he's going to kill someone (or himself), and he jumps up screaming and running in circles. Then he'll collapse on the floor. The strange thing is, it only happens when I'm around! I'm confused, diary, what do I do? I can't believe that my future mate is allergic to mee!!! Wait a minute, diary. You don't think he's faking it? Oh no.
What if he thinks that I'm fat fat FAT FATfatFATFAT?!?!?!
I'm worried sick. Pedro's seizures haven't died down. I feel awful, like I'm the one who's causing them. Diary, I don't know what to do! I've taken Zoloft, but it doesn't seem to help. The students are still calling me Butts. I hate my life. I'm going to committ suicide.
Well, actually, if I was to do that, I think I'd like to take Pedro with me. That would be so sweet! Have to go now. Mom is taking me to see a play. I think it's called Virginia Tech Massacre, or something like that.
The play was the best moment of my life. It told everything about my life that I didn't know. I now realize my true calling in life. I must do as Cho Heung-Sui and give the gift of death to those who have shunned me. I must join with my love, Pedro, and together die in symphony. I must purchase a 12-gauge and handgun. In the tradition of all the psychotic murdering homicidal suicidal maniacs, I will end my life and the lives of 30 others. After all, they called me fat fat FAT FATfatFATFAT!!!
Today is my final day on this earth, also known as Avril 45 to those who are not suffering as I. I purchased the guns, wrote my memoirs, and now I embark for school. I will miss you, diary. As I wite these final lines, I think of how if I had not been so fat fat FAT FATfatFATFAT, it might have turned out differently. Goodbye, cruel world!!