DIY and Carpentry Tips by Jesus Christ is the third book to be written by God and the second to be written by Him in His aspect of God the Son. Published in 2006, the book broke pre-sale records as millions of Christians pre-ordered copies hoping that it would continue the themes established in the previous two volumes, and potentially clarify matters that had been disputed by theologians for the last two millennia. However, many were disappointed to discover that the title was in no way allegorical in nature, and the book is almost wholly concerned with useful information on basic carpentry.
According to the foreword by Satan, DIY and Carpentry Tips is "intended to be equally useful as a textbook for apprentices or for the home handyman", the book is written in plain English in an agreeable, friendly style. This has lead some commentators to suggest that Jesus originally intended this book as an entry in the For Dummies series, however this has not been confirmed either by the publishers or Our Lord and Saviour.
The following chapters have been released as promotional material, and in answer to our prayers.
Foreword by Satan
Hey, there cats and kittens. I'm often called the Prince of Lies, but this time I'm on the level: this is a great book. I've never been one to dig all this carpentry jazz, but this book has set me straight: just because a wood-butcher uses a square don't mean he is one, dig me?
Jesus and I go way back, way way back to the Holy Land, back in the day. Now I gotta tell you, daddy-O, back then I thought the guy was strictly a pooper, as in party. Even when I took him to a high place and offered him all the kingdoms of the world, and he nixed the whole deal, and I was like "This cat is nowheresville." And then he said "behind me, Satan" so I says cool your jets, Mrs. Satan's only son don't swing that way, Daddy.
But no, that wasn't what he meant, see, I was standing too close to his lathe. And that's when it hit me - the reason this Cube don't want no earthly crown is that he's got something better - a rewarding hobby. And now you can get the straight dope on carpentry just the way Yahweh used to make it, Clyde, thanks to this book which is intended to be equally useful as a textbook for apprentices or for the home handyman.
The information in this book will help you pop the clutch on carpentry, and have you burning rubber towards an exciting and rewarding hobby or career. I may be the eternal enemy of God and Man, but the author of this book won't steer you wrong, and it's better you get your carpentry tips from Him than some greaser like Zeus.
Excerpt from Chapter 4: Joining
1: Now that you've got the hang of planing, we can look at joining. Remember, a house divided cannot stand, so knowing your simple mitered joins from your concealed dovetails will help keep a roof over your head! To begin with we'll practice one of the simplest of joins, the halved joint, which you will use to create your own crucifix.
2: A good, strong, well constructed half joint should easily be able to support an adult male of average weight. Just as importantly, both beams should sit flush with each other. With that one they nailed me to, I don't know what hurt more; the agony of slow death or the poor craftspersonship. Seriously, Imperial Rome, invest in a decent coping saw! They don't cost much more than the cheap ones, and they give you a much more precise edge.
Excerpt from Chapter 6: Adhesives
5: When I started out in carpentry, we didn't have the vast array of adhesives that modern carpenters take for granted. No PVA or Araldite for us! Back in ancient Judea, we had to make do with a sort of paste made from rendered fish. Of course, after Peter and Andrew joined we changed over to glue made from people, because they were fishers of men! We were all like "veneering paste is peo-ple"!
6: I kid, I kid; we didn't do that. And you won't either, thanks to a clever little widget called a hot glue gun...
Excerpt from Chapter 7: Abrasives
1: When you build, you should build upon the rock, not upon the sands. But that doesn't mean that sand doesn't have an important place in the carpenter's workshop!
18: Of course this process is rather faster when you use a power sander. If you're just starting out, I recommend a Ryobi orbital. It's a good compromise between quality, practicality and price, even though it is constructed by heathen Shintos, it comes with excellent after sales service. Frankly, I'm thinking of moving all the Ryobi staff to the First Circle of Hell when their time comes. They've earned it.
Excerpt from Chapter 13: Nails
5: Now, like a lot of carpenters, I have a sort of love/hate relationship with nails. Unlike most of them, I tend more to the "hate" side of the equation. I'm a forgiving sort of a guy, up to a point, but there's no getting around the fact that your basic nail is a bit of a shithead, pardon my Aramaic. I try to get around this by using screws or pins where possible, but sometimes nothing but a nail will do.
12: Lo, and it shall come to pass that you will find that these days, you have to either buy nails in bulk, or those little plastic blister things. Man, oh, man, I do not like the little blisters! Used to be if you only needed a few nails, the guy at the store would just put a handful of 'em in a brown bag. But that was before the blisters. Little, hard to open plastic blisters with what you need underneath. Blisters. Blis-ters.
13: Wait, what was I talking about?
Excerpt from Chapter 18: Basic Projects
28: Consider the lilies of the field, they toil not and neither do they spin, so you'll have to be the one to build them a nice flower box! First, you'll need pick some good hardwood, as this box will be exposed to the elements, and it raineth on the well constructed project and the crummy.
29: The overall dimensions of the box should be about, yay, 2 cubits in length, 1/2 cubit in width at the base and 2/3 cubit in height. My Dad once said to Abraham "measure twice, cut once", and believe me, Isaac was pretty glad that Abraham followed that advice.
Excerpt from Chapter 19: Intermediate Projects
12: Consider the birds... birdhouses, that is! I know, I know; it's a cliche, right? "Home handyman makes birdhouse." I mean, stop the presses, right?
13: Wrong! There's no need to make a plain ole everyday birdhouse, when you can use this as an opportunity to show your creativity as well as your craftspersonship! Starting with this basic plan, you can put your own unique "spin" on it, and create something truly unique!
14: Take for example this little number pictured on the right, built by my Dad's old business partner, Moses. It's stylish, yet functional, and if any of your neighbourhood birds are Nazis, it'll melt their faces off!
15: I kid, I kid.
Excerpt from Chapter 20: Advanced Projects
34: Now, some of you may be wondering "Why do I need an ark?" Well, you don't really need one, but they make a great conversation piece, and if the world should happen to flood, you'll be set. I mean, I'm not saying it's going to happen, I'm just not saying it's not.
Excerpt from the Afterword by David Koresh
Well I hope you enjoyed this book, and are now on your way to trying some carpentry projects of your own. The beautiful thing about carpentry is it's such an open ended hobby. You can spruce up your compound, build a playhouse for your child-brides, carve rifle-stocks or restore antique furniture - there's always something to be enjoyed in the field of woodwork. I sometimes wished that Jesus had used my prophetic powers to give me this information, instead of all that scary crap about Armageddon. Also it might have been nice to have forseen the Feds coming. Just saying, is all.
One word of warning though - don't forget that there are safety issues involved. As a carpenter, you will no doubt have a lot of wood, varnish, paint, turpentine and and oily rags on your premises. So remember: wear protective clothes and keep your work area well ventilated.
That's all from me. See y'all Judgement Day!
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