DIY and Carpentry Tips by Jesus Christ is the third book to be written by Jesus and the second to be written by Him in His capacity as Son of God. Published in 2006, the book broke pre-sale records as millions of Christians pre-ordered copies hoping that it would continue the themes established in the previous two volumes, and potentially clarify matters that had been disputed by theologians for the last two millennia. However, many were disappointed to discover that the title was in no way allegorical in nature, and the book is almost wholly concerned with useful information on basic carpentry.
According to the foreword by Oscar Wilde, DIY and Carpentry Tips is "...intended to be equally useful as a textbook for apprentices or for the home handyman....". The book is written in plain English in an agreeable, friendly style. This has led some commentators to suggest that Jesus originally intended this book as a contribution to the For Dummies series, however this has not been confirmed either by the publishers or by Our Lord and Saviour Himself.
In answer to our prayers, the following chapters have been released as promotional material:
Foreword by Satan, Prince of DIY
Yo! Some call me the Prince of Lies, but this time I'm on the level: this is a truly great book. I've never been one to heed the Word, but this book has set me straight: just because the Great Wood-Butcher uses a square don't mean He is one, dig me?
Jesus and I go waaay back, back to the Holy Land itself. And Texas in those days was about as Holy as you could get. Hotter'n hell too! Anyhow I thought JC was strictly a pooper, as in party. Even when I took Him to my special get-high place and offered him all the Kingdoms of the World, all He wanted to talk about was mortice & tenon joints. And then he said "Get thee behind me, Satan!" so I was like, cool your jets, mama's favourite son don't swing that way, Daddy-O!
But no, that wasn't what He meant, see, I was standing too close to His lathe. And that's when it hit me - the reason this Cube don't want no Earthly crown is that He's got something better - a shed and a hobby. And now you can get the straight dope on carpentry straight from the mouth of the Lord, thanks to this book which is intended to be equally useful as a textbook for apprentices or for the home handyman. Makes a great birthday or Christmas gift too!
The information in this book will help you pop the clutch on carpentry, and have you burning rubber towards an exciting and rewarding hobby or career. I may be the eternal enemy of God and Man, but man- this dope's the bomb.
Excerpt from Chapter 4: Joinery
1: Now that you've got the hang of planing, we can look at joinery. Remember, a house divided cannot stand, so knowing your simple mitered joints from your concealed dovetails will help keep a roof over your head! To begin with we'll practice one of the simplest of joints, the half-joint, which you will use to create your own crucifix.
2: A good, strong, well constructed half-joint should easily be able to support an adult male of average weight, even one that's wriggling around a lot and screaming. Just as importantly, both beams should sit flush with each other. With that one they nailed me to, I don't know what hurt more: slow death or the agony of poor craftspersonship. Seriously dudes, invest in a decent crosscut saw! They don't cost much more than the cheap ones, and they give you a much cleaner edge.
Excerpt from Chapter 6: Adhesives
5: When I started out in carpentry, we didn't have the vast array of adhesives that modern carpenters take for granted. No PVA or Araldite for us! (Though there was a Mount Araldite.) Back in ancient Judea, we had to make do with a paste made from rendered fish. Of course, after Peter and Andrew joined the Guild we changed over to glue made from Gentiles, because P&A were fishers of men! We were all like "veneering paste is God's goy-glue"!
6: I kid, I kid; we didn't do that. And you won't either, thanks to a clever little widget called a hot glue gun...
Excerpt from Chapter 7: Abrasives
1: When you build, you should build upon the rock, not upon the sands. But that doesn't mean that 'sand' doesn't have an important place in the carpenter's workshop!
18: Of course this process is rather faster when you use an electric belt-sander. If you're just starting out, I recommend a Ryobi orbital. It's a good compromise between quality, practicality and price, even though it is constructed by Shinto heathen, and it comes with excellent after-sales service. Frankly, I'm thinking of moving all the Ryobi staff up to the First Circle of Hell when their time comes. They've earned it.
Excerpt from Chapter 13: Nails
5: Now, unlike most carpenters, I have sort of a love/hate relationship with nails. I'm a forgiving sort of a guy, up to a point, but there's no getting around the fact that your basic nail is a bit of a shithead, pardon my Aramaic. I try to get around this by using screws or pins where possible, but sometimes nothing but a nail will do.
12: Lo, and it shall come to pass that you will find that these days, you either have to buy nails in bulk, or one of those little plastic blister pack things. Man, oh, man, I do not like the blister packs! Used to be if you only needed a few nails, the guy at the store would put a handful in a brown bag and weigh 'em. But that was before blister packs. Little, hard to open blister packs with what you need trapped inside. Blister packs suck. Blister. Bli-ster.
13: Wait, what was I talking about?
Excerpt from Chapter 18: Basic Projects
28: Consider the lilies of the field, they toil not and neither do they spin, so you'll have to be the one to build them a nice flower box! First, you'll need to pick some good gopherwood, as this box will be exposed to the elements, and it raineth in equal parts upon the well constructed project and the crummy.
29: The overall dimensions of the box should be about, yay, 2 cubits in length, 1/2 cubit in width at the base and 2/3 cubit in height. My Dad once said to Abraham "Bitch, measure twice, cut once", and believe me, Isaac was pretty glad that Abraham followed that advice.
Excerpt from Chapter 19: Intermediate Projects
12: Consider the birds... birdhouses, that is! I know, I know; it's a cliche right? "Home handyman makes birdhouse." I mean, stop the presses right?
13: Wrong! There's no need to make a plain ole everyday birdhouse when you can use this as an opportunity to show your creativity as well as your craftspersonship! Starting with this basic plan you can put your own unique "spin" on it and create something truly unique!
14: Take for example this little number pictured on the right, built by my Dad's old business partner Moses. It's stylish, yet functional and if any of your neighbourhood birds are Nazis it'll melt their faces off!
15: I kid, I kid.
Excerpt from Chapter 20: Advanced Projects
34: Now, some of you may be wondering "Why do I need an ark?" Well, you don't really need one, but they make a great conversation piece, and if the world should happen to flood, you'll be set. I mean, I'm not saying it's going to happen, I'm just not saying it's not.
Excerpt from the Afterword by David Koresh
Well I hope you enjoyed this book, and are now on your way to trying some carpentry projects of your own. The beautiful thing about carpentry is it's such an open-ended hobby. You can spruce up your compound, build a playhouse for your child-brides, carve rifle-stocks or restore antique furniture - there's always something needin' doin' in the field of woodwork. I sometimes wish that Jesus had used His prophetic powers to give me the information in DIY & Carpentry Tips, instead of all that scary crap about Armageddon. Also it might have been nice to have foreseen the ATF coming. Just saying, is all.
One word of warning- don't forget there are safety issues involved. As a carpenter, you will no doubt have a lot of wood, varnish, paint, turpentine and and oily rags on your premises. So remember: wear protective clothes and keep your work area well ventilated.
That's all from me. Happy carpenteering, and I'll see y'all on Judgment Day!
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