UnBooks:Cookbook/How to Cook Filipino Food
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
If it suddenly talks in a different language, it's their fault now.
Note: For those of you who aren't Filipino, and wondered "What the fuck is this shit?", see Philippine Cuisine.
Filipino Cuisine is definitely the best in the world. You could admit that, they used dogs and cats as food? Or perhaps you can try the aborted duck fetus sold in China? Well, you came to the right place for Filipino and Chinese cuisine.
WARNING: Not suitable for Muslims. If you're Muslim or Jewish, do not read this. I repeat, do NOT read this.
A nice tasty meal that serves for 5 people (or 25 people)
- 1/2 pound (256g) of meat (dog, cat, chicken, ANYTHING that is animal flesh- even human beings!)
- Two cloves of Garlic
- Crushed Ginger (the herb, idiot)
- 3 1/2 imperial fluid ounces (150ml) Vinegar
- Slice the meat into bite-sized pieces (if you're lucky, slice your finger off and include it for additional flavor, but save the blood for dinuguan)
- Smother it in vinegar, ginger and garlic, motherfucker!
- Cook it in high heat for 15 minutes. It is finished cooking when your entire house smells like the inside of your shoes on a summer day.
- Serve and eat. Just make sure that the meat you use isn't your dog or cat! If it is, then the dish will probably be particularly scrumptious. in the US, another family pet can always be adopted at the humane society or purchased at "pets are us" for four dollars a pound. In the philippines, adopt one from the street.
“Fuck, Filipinos have the shittiest kind of cuisine in the world. Some are tasty, but some you will fucking regret”
Serves about a dozen people
- A dozen of aborted/premature duck egg that still have a dead baby duck inside. Yes, a fertilised duck egg. Where does one find fertilized duck eggs? The simplest place is your local marsh. Identify a male duck. These are the colorful ducks of the species which look like Donald. Follow him until he gets busy with a female duck. Follow the lady duck until she makes a nest. After she lays the eggs, let the female duck sit on them for a week. This allows the embryos enough time to develop into hideous bald aliens within the shells. Do not wait too long, or feathers will sprout, and will make the balut too terrifying to eat for even native filipinos still living in caves. When the mother duck goes for a swim, grab exactly twelve eggs, and run like hell.
- See How To Boil an Egg for more information.
- After boling the eggs, serve it with soy sauce.
- Make your friends squeal with shock! The proper method of eating balut is to break the shell and peel it back with your pingers, slowly revealing the delightfully colorful contents, such ss the yellow yolk sac, blue veIns, gray embryo, and green snot. Peel off the shell until the baby duck's lifeless head and beak flop out of the egg and dangle by its thin rubbery neck. Suck the entire head into your mouth and chomp it off completely, allowing the beak to poke out between your lips. After your nonFilipino friends vomit, you have maximized the gastronomical artistry of this delicacy, and are now allowed to swallow.
edit Bicol Express
Not to be confused for the train of the same name. One bite will make your head asplode
WARNING: VERY SPICY! READERS ARE DISCOURAGED FROM MAKING IT
- More Chili
- Even More Chili
- Chop the chilies
- Cook it in coconut milk
- Eat! Add chili on the side. Let sweat from your forehead drip onto dish for extra seasoning.
We are not responsible if you die as a result of eating the foods listed here. Side effects include profuse sweating, dehydration, vomitting, watery duarrhea, salmonellosis, cholera, post traumatic stress disorder, uncontrolled desire to purchase shoes, hypertension, and obesity.