UnBooks:Catholic Church's Version of Harry Potter
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“We want you!”
“Harry Potter Seduces Children”
“I think they're lovely stories!”
Harry Potter is a horrific book series that teaches millions of Christian children how to use blasphemic powers to hurt our great lord Jesus Christ. The series, which is a mortal sin to read, introduces elements of fairy tales that have been around for thousands of years and have up until now caused no real harm to Christianity, and converts them into a potent recipe for the destruction of young innocent minds.
edit Why magic is the single greatest threat to civilization as we know it
- Magic does not exist. It is a lie, and Satan is the father of all lies.
- Magic is dangerous. It can be used to force innocent people to do the work of evil.
- If magic existed then we'd be able to use it because God loves us best. Even though we try making ourselves look like equals to him in the eyes of our naive congregation.
- Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live, including Harry Potter. We wish to destroy all evil, even if a lot of very good people die. That includes murdering saints.
- Fanboys who are obsessed with magic often vandalize this article. Vandalism on church related sites is evil.
- Anybody that floats in a pond is a witch and must be burned and then drowned. Don't ask why we claim to worship a man who walked on water.
- Magic is a creation of one's imagination. Imagination is, as we all know, evil.
- We don't like books that teach
moralsblasphemy to youngsters, we prefer them to learn our outdated trashteaching.
“Imagination leads to thought. Thought leads to questions. Questions lead to science. Science is the path to the dark side”
edit Criticism from Cultists
“Harry Potter is a book about magic, yes, but it is also so much more of that. Harry Potter is about friendship, love, and bravery, and I'm sure that people don't go to Hell for believing in THAT.”
Pope Benedict XVI states that while magic will send people to hell, a loner coward who simply practices magic alone in his basement is still redeemable, as the
thought of hundreds of zealots burning him on stake unquestionable might of the Almighty One can make him fear the Lord and convert to rightful path. It's only when these pitiful souls have bravery, that they have the courage to decline the favor of the Almighty One. It's when such blind people bond by friendship, that they form a role-playing group satanic cult. And for love, the whole point of the demonic ceremonial is to have a wild group sex.
In short, practicing magic alone without friendship, love and bravery is forgivable. It's only when combined with friendship, love, and bravery that it passes the point-of-no-return to hell. Thus, the Harry Potter septology is truly a collection of the ultimate tomes of evil.
“I think it is the darkest form of blasphemy when people think a children's story is evil. It teaches you love, family values, bravery, and so much more.”
This is yet another cultist claim that Harry Potter also teaches about family value. Again, Pope Benedict XVI notes that teaching magic to innocent children, defiling such pure souls, is definitely an evil act equal to filming a child porn. In other words, the evil of Harry Potter can be ignorable if only it is an adult's book, But since it aims for children, the Harry Potter septology is truly a collection worthy of a place among the ultimate tomes of evil.
“Harry Potter is one of the most famous books in the world, and it would be horrible if everyone claimed it evil. Magic is a fairy tale. And as magic is a fairy tale, it doesn't hurt children to read about something that isn't real. I don't believe there have been people getting hurt by just reading a book.”
One of the examples of how a cultist would become ignorant to Satan's evil work by reading Harry Potter. Deciding to judge things using their own beliefs instead of the Church's teaching, this basically means that they think they're wiser than God! Fortunately, Pope Benedict XVI claims that such
Spartans blasphemy only manifests itself in children's thoughts after they dwell in delusion of Satanic Cult for certain of time. So if you see a kid reading an evil tome, don't think There's no people getting hurt by the reading of this book, act NOW; or you will be too late. And one does not even need to read this book to get hurt. The Church will burn you on stake simply for having this forbidden book on shelf (especially if that book is the monster book of monsters). Harry Potter is the ultimate tomes of evil.... just to make sure you know that by now or you'll burn in hell!
“Harry Potter is the Devil!”
edit The Evil Tomes
edit Book One: Philosophers are Heathens who reject the word of God and worship logic and the Human Mind
The books begin with an ungrateful Orphan who is too self-absorbed to recognize what a huge favour his aunt and uncle did for him by taking him into their home instead of sticking him in an orphanage or sending him to Canada. Right from the start Harry ignores the Rules put forth by Charlton Heston in the 1956 movie The Ten Commandments. He covets his cousins huge room and toys instead of being grateful for his coat closet. He doesn't observe the Sabbath and goes on making breakfast for the Dursleys on Sunday and he lies when they go to the Zoo in promising not to cause any trouble. Not only does he break this promise but also demonstrates his Satanic character by setting a snake free.
Despite Harry's countless failings, his Aunt and Uncle strive to protect him from his fellow demons. However, their efforts are in vain as an UnDead Goliath, referred to as 'Hagrid' (Latin for Christ blows), attacks them and takes Harry, who is only too glad to go. His Aunt and Uncle are consoled by the following biblical passage:
"I the Lord your God am a jealous God, punishing children for the iniquity of parents, to the third and the fourth generation of those who reject me," Exodus 20:5
They know that since Harry's Parents sinned too, there wasn't much hope for Harry.
Harry then goes to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The school is run by an old man who has no wife or family and an unhealthy fondness for Harry and his friends. Adding insult to injury this man insists his "students" call him headMASTER and God said "No one can serve two Masters" (so you should pick God to be your Master... or Jesus... but not both!) The so-called headMASTER has a group of disciples which includes several women such as Minerva (a Roman GODDESS of War and Wisdom). Obviously there is no such thing as a goddess so this woman can only be a demon of Satan. Also no woman can be a disciple, only men. So, she must be a man too.
In the book Harry is shown disobeying his elders (and that is against Charlton's rule regardless of if the elders are evil or not). He practices witchcraft (casting spells for his own selfish purposes), speaks in tongues, and flies a broom without a license. At no point does the author remind readers of Matthew 5:5: "Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth".
But perhaps the most evil part of the book is the stone belonging to the philosopher. The stone is believed to confer everlasting life. This is a cruel mockery of the gift of everlasting life which is promised to the faithful by Yahweh. The stone will extend your life on this mortal coil when true Christians should be striving to achieve everlasting life in heaven.
Harry continues to covet things such as a fancy brooms and chocolate. He even dapples in the Seven Deadly Sins by: feasting (gluttony), obsessing over a mirror (pride), he has a pile of gold and steals and manipulates into getting what he wants (greed), killing one of his elders (wrath), and loathing his potionsMASTER (envy).
The whole book ends with Harry being praised for murdering one of his teachers and stealing the stone from him.
edit Book Two: Secrets are evil unless sanctioned by the Clergy
This book is the most straight-forwardly evil. We appreciate that Harry is no longer being subtle about his evil ways since it may help some children to realize that he IS evil. The title of the book: SECRETS clearly sets out to lead our children into the occult by enticing them with the idea of secret knowledge. Having a secret is very close to telling a lie, clearly there are no secrets allowed in Catholicism. All Catholics must tell their secrets to the clergy. Luckily they don't have to worry about anyone else finding out about them since the clergy is both allowed and ordered to keep secrets, thus no Christians except the clergy are allowed to have secrets. And higher levels of clergy get to have better secrets: like the Dead Sea Scrolls. The hidden knowledge of witchcraft which the children learn at Hogwarts is also forbidden by the church on similar grounds. The book also features a graphic Grand Theft Auto scene, when he steals his best friend's dad's car, caused by playing video games.
Dobby the House Elf is the ONLY source of good in the book by which he repeatly tries to kill Harry Potter under the pretext of "saving his life". He closes the gates of Hell to Harry, otherwise known as Platform 9 3/4 and sends the Bludger of Hope at Harry, both failures and so Harry places Dobby under the Imperius Curse which makes him do everything Harry wants and causes him to have a un-natural desire for clothes.
Also there are a lot of Snakes in this book and, as all good christians know, Snakes are an incarnation of the Devil (see Genesis)
It is also good to note the use of grotesque imagery in this book: Mandrakes, Basilisk, Ron Weasely (see Grotesque Imagery), and the promotion of the slavery of other creatures (similar to that endured by Yahweh's chosen people in Egypt - see Opression).
edit Book Three: Prisoners deserve to go to jail and stay there
Once again the delicate patina of virtue has worn thin. Harry continues to learn to do witchcraft and confirms his standing as a Kid in Satan's Service (KISS) by associating with werewolves and Prisoners. He treats them as though they are victims of circumstance instead of seeing the truth, that God is obviously punishing them for their sins (or the sins of their fathers).
Yet another female disciple is introduced: Sybill. She is named for ancient greek heathens who dared to presume they knew the Will Of God by predicting the future. No one but God (and his chosen clergy and saints) know what a day may bring forth. This book also mentions how the holy witch hunting failed to harm any real wizard. This is an insult towards the Christian faith, claiming that even a group of
zealot people with strong faith in God are powerless against heathen wizards.
This book also introduces humans changing into animals, Cloaks that suck your soul and werewolves, which are clearly evil and spawns from satanic beliefs. This book also states how a suicide bomber will be considered as hero, supporting Islam's Jihad!
edit Book Four: Harry Potter will burn forever in hell's fire
Again the repentant author indicates what the future will hold for an Evil Satan-worshipping child like Harry. The death of one of Harry's conspirators is a hint as to where practicing witchcraft may lead you.
Harry behaves very rudely in this novel. He gets into fights with his equally satanic friend, demonstrating that only by following the one true religion (if you need clarification of what that is you too will burn in hell) can you live in harmony and happiness. Harry also attacks one of his competitors and, instead of being grateful for being selected into the Tri-Demon tournament, Harry acts like a 5-year old and gets angry about it.
In his supreme act of evil, he almost kills Lord Voldemort (PBUH) with a curse and then runs away (without excusing himself) in front of his elders.
Lord Voldemort is resurrected from death in this book. This is quite obviously a mockery of Jesus's resurrection.
On a light side, Rowling shows some worthy thought in this book. Lord Voldemort loves a particular spell known as Avada Kedavra, which is actually a distorted version of Allahu Akbar. Continued support of Jihad from the last book, it's obvious that Lord Voldemort and his underlings are actually group of devote Muslim Clerics.
edit Book Five: Harry Potter goes against The Order created by the Cardinal
Now Harry joins an illegal separatist group bent on undermining the government. Harry and his dangerous friends encourage disillusioned youths to think for themselves and come to their own conclusions about the world around them. True Christians will reject such teachings, be led by their faith and jump off a cliff for redemption when their clergy says so.
Harry rudely barges into the dreams of Lord Voldemort without his permission. Harry actually believes these Satanic images are true and breaks into the government's MI5 headquarters. There he proceeds to destroy property until he is stopped by Lucius Malfoy and other elders. After witnessing the lawful execution of his godfather (a criminal wanted for mass-murder), Harry throws a tantrum and almost tortures a character to death, thankfully being stopped by Lord Voldemort. Eventually the government returns to sort things out. They fail to punish Harry and his friends even though he broke the law (breaking and entering anyone?).
edit Book Six: Harry Potter and the Prince of Darkness (aka Satan)
Harry finds a book written by the Prince of Darkness and does his bidding while simultaneously disregarding authority, thinking for himself, coveting a woman, trying to kill one of his teachers again, and purging himself in his horny teenage sexual pleasures. These are all common traits among atheists. Near the end of the book, Harry forces an old man into drinking a satanic concoction, which leads to the frail old man dying. Harry completely overlooks his last chance to be saved in holy confession; instead, deciding to continue practicing satanic rituals and sin constantly.
edit Book Seven: Harry Potter in the Deathly Gallows
In this book, Harry finally dies as a result of his dabbling in the occult. He spends most of the book looking for ancient artifacts that are supposed to allow the user to become immortal. However, these searches prove to be futile and he is finally killed by Voldemort (PBUH). Yet again, we see Harry's fear of dying and of the afterlife, probably stemming from his inevitable punishment by the Almighty that he is sure to receive. However Harry is revived (probably by satan) and ends up killing Voldemort. In this ending, Rowling devilishly uses the ending idea from Chronicles of Narnia, however, this is *pure* evil because J. K. has not openly announced her Christianity. Oh ... no wait, according to Google she has. But she's a Church of Scotland member! BURN HER!
edit Grotesque Imagery
One of the most troubling things about these books is their use of Grotesque imagery.
- The Mandrakes: Plants that look like radiation-saturated babies brutally chopped up to use in satanic potions, the exact description of an aborted fetus.
- The Dementors: Suck out the souls of people.
- The Basilsk: A giant snake!
- The Hippogriff: A twisted Lion/Raven hybrid. (See below in "Animals in Harry Potter")
Such things are inappropriate for children, and they should stick to reading the bible to avoid nightmares and guide them on the spiritually correct path. Stories about the leviathan, many demons who have possessed people, and the Revelations of what the future holds (not to mention Songs of Solomon), are much more appropriate and educational.
The use of Elves as slaves and the dogged repetition of the Wizards that elves LIKE to be slaves are two of the foulest themes of the books. In Exodus:21-23 the laws of God clearly show that slaves must be treated very nicely because they don't like being slaves. By showing the house elves as enjoying oppression Harry Potter is directly conflicting with the Bible's veiwpoint on slavery. The relationship between a master and his slaves is regulated by strict rules of the bible. Harry Potter books pay no heed to these rules and make up their own morality. Characters such as Lucius Malfoy and Bartemus Crouch are portrayed as cruel because they yell at and occasionally hit their slaves. The bible clearly shows that you must not beat slaves..... to the point where they can not get up after a day or two (Exodus 21:20-21) and neither men did anything close to that. Meanwhile Harry takes Mr. Malfoy's slave without paying Mr. Malfoy thirty sickels of silver to cover the cost of the slave (Exodus 21:32). Harry Potter books completely ignore Christian Morality.
edit Animals in Harry Potter
The books continue their subtle corruption of our children through their presentation of various animals who have affronted God in the past. Foremost among these are the constant references to snakes. What follows is a list of other animals used in the books to lead children astray:
Lions: were used by the Romans to kill Christians in hockey arenas when guns were hard to come by. Or when they just wanted a laugh. Also, the lions were in no way symbolic for Jesus, yet again a pathetic attempt by Rowling to imitate C. S. Lewis.
Raven: are often seen as the familiars of sorcerers. Also symbols of some Native American god, like...
Badgers: symbol of Native American god of sodomy
Owls: associated with Athena, a Greek
goddess demon who pioneered the use of owls as a cheap alternative to the postal service
Unicorns: misleading the children into believing that there are such things as Unicorns is as ridiculous as telling them we evolved from Apes! Saying "Well, I'll be a Monkey's Uncle" is only an expression! The only relation humans have to monkeys is that we were both created by God within a seven day period. Plus, they(the unicorns, not the apes) have phallic objects on their faces. This alone is sinful and inappropriate.
Giant Horses: any mention of horses reminds Christians of the crusades, the inquisitions, the days when the church would persecute people who are different from us, who believe different things, and burn them at the stake because they are all Satan-worshiping witches!!! These days the church is much more tolerant and benevolent and accepting of all sort of different people who follow our system of morality and do not worship other gods and/or Satan
Cats: worshiped by Egyptians, eaten by the
Chinese Korean. Or was it the Japanese? Don't matter. Kitties are possessed by demons.
Snakes: namely for their connection to the King of Temptation himself, Satan. Satan took the form of a snake to persuade Eve, foolish though she was, to forsake the protection of God, and one cannot easily forget the euphemism trouser snake.
Rats: they're just icky
Ron Weasley: see above
Centaur: abomination created by combine human with horse. This defiled our image as the most precious creation of God. Centaurs in Harry Potter also have kind attitudes instead of a savage beasty attitude. This is most likely a reference to Chiron, another lesser
god demon from Greek myth.
edit Christmas at Hogwarts
In Hogwarts there is a Christmas but it doesn't mention Jesus in any way shape or form, making it Pure Eeeeevil. The satanist warlocks forget the true meaning of Christmas: the birth of Jesus.
edit See Also
|Characters||Hairy Potter · Ron Weasley · Albus Dumbledore · Severus Snape · Sirius Black · Luna Lovegood · Dobby · Lord Voldemort|
|Books||List of Harry Potter Books · J.K. Rowling · First Draft · Catholic Church Version · Worst 100 Harry Potter Spin-off Novel Series of All Time|
|Misc.||Ripoffs · Dumbledore's closet · Potter's Sexuality · Inevitable Musical (Sequel)|