The novel Captain's Blog
is also available in paperback.
This blog was the sole artifact salvaged from the remains of The Milky Way Fighter Jet 001 on December 18, A.D. 2101... Yes, in the future, people actually have to write blogs on paper. Isn't that cool?
Hello, diary. You will be my new best friend. My name is Captain. I am not really a captain, but my father named me as such, because he said it builds character. I think he just like to insult me for not being real captain, which he never got to be either. At least he didn't name me "Prostitute" as he did my sister. She get much attention from the urban hipsters, if you catch my drift. Today is a very happy occasion. I am about to be graduate from college. It was very hard, but I did. It. I graduate at top of class for Englishgrammar, and will maybe even be writer of the sequel to the Bible. But nobody told me for sure yet. So, the day is very happy. We get big party, and Mother gave me you, the diary, to write in the things of my occurring. But Father told me that it was very homo-sapian-sexual to write in diary, so I now call you blog in front of him. I do not wish to be mistaken for those that walk with their tails in their thighs, as the saying goes. I am very excite now because about to be leave in the vehicle on way to festivities... I shall see you later.
Still 9 of June within Year of A.D. 2101.... 5:10 P.M.Edit
Good afternoon, Mr. Diary. Today I am very "angry", as you can call it. Remember I said I was supposed be top of class and help write sequel to Bible? CATS got to. They said he had even better grammar, and this very important. I am "angry". After he won the award, he got to go on stage and jump up in triumph as well as Adam Sandler, while '90s music played in the background, image froze, and credits went down. This should have been my place of glory. I deserved spotlight of movie with Adam Sandler. I had to settle for Rob Schneider. He does not smell fragrant at all. After watching the spectacle, Father told me that I was going to be molested through my anus with a burning cigar for being such failure. We had to drive out very fast because Rob Schneider would not leave us alone. I am not looking forward to the evening. That cigar will not positively effect my sphincter. I must say goodbye now, diary. Vintage "Fall Out Boy" music is being played by my sister, Prostitute, in other room and it make me very "sad" and cry.
11 of September of Glorious Year of A.D. 2101. 12:36 P.M.Edit
The news is grateful! I was walk down street yesterday, and right next to suicide booth, was nice man in pretty blue uniform. I asked him for a quarter so I could use the killing facility, and told that I would pay him back sometime. He respond that I should kill myself for good cause. He ask me to join the Army Reserve. I was think "Gee... Must be too good to be true" but he said it wasn't. So then he presented pen and writing paper, and I signed the various dashed lines and that was all. I am now in Army Reserve. Thankful, there is not going be war anytime soon, but just to be sure, they are putting me in extensive training. I am about to start. This is so exciting!
11 of September of Acceptable Year of A.D. 2101. 12:37 P.M.Edit
Back from rigorous training regime. I clicked many buttons and this was difficult. Turns out, because I am so good at read, I get to be a real captain! Finally, my name is useful. I will be Captain Captain. Ran into two nice gentlemen, called Operator and Mechanic, and they are go with me on the same ship. We will all be together, and it will be super fun. But this is only on off chance that there is ever war, which is a falsity. Even so, the two comrades will make for good people to socialize with at many times, such as via wireless communication. Now, I am very tired. Was gone whole minute. Good bye, diary.
11 of September of Wondrous Year of A.D. 2101. 12:38 P.M.Edit
In A.D. 2101, war was beginning. This is what was said by the nice man on the televisor about the news. Turns out, the green skin people on Earth, who are all bunch of assholes, decide to blow up some things and get past the Home planet Security. I always was not trust them. Skin of theirs is bad color. They look different and this is bad. Stereotype is true. I assume that CATS, that face crotch, is work for them too. Somebodies said that something like this happened long long ago on this same day but nobody care. We just use that explosion for stock footage in movies now. Oh, and those green guys are take oil, too. I am very "revenge" want. Good thing I was in Army Reserve, because now we are sent for into combat. I am boarding ship in next few minutes. I shall speak with you further at a more appropriate time.
The 30thest of September, within the year of A.D. 2101, at the hour of 4:16 P.M.Edit
I am get very bored very fast. We are start think that the attack was made fake just as a practical joke by the Congressmen. There is nothing to do on ship of general interest, and we are merely float in space for very long time. It get very bore. Operator is mildly good at sewing sweaters, so we sometimes get surprise presents, but other than this, nothing is active. I have begun to greatly miss my kitten Cat. He was my best friend (no offense to you)and his presence is required for me to be jovial. Because I left him locked in room, to prevent sister Prostitute from taking images of her exposed vaginal area next to Cat and captioning as "Pussy", he has likely starve already. If not, it is possible that Ex-Wife broke in and killed, as a revenge for our divorce. Either way, I will have delicious cat jerky prepared upon returning. Mmmm.... I can already taste the SARS..... At any rates, I miss Cat, whether in the form of death or the form of alive. At least I brought picture of, and sits on shelf next to bunk. Operator has similar picture in this location, except it depicts muscular naked man. A sibling? No matter. But alas, I must now take flight. Operator is going to teach us about different spices and utilizing they for cooking.
Current time is: October 7teenth, during the time period of A.D. 2101 in 8:07 P.M.Edit
May I pardon you for a minute, Mr. Diary? Okay, then, I shall continue. Today was horrible days. We find a game of Candyland in ship parlor. Of course, the box challenge us to partake in its activity. We went to accept. The game was very easy in the beginning, and I scoffed at its attempts to best me. Then, after Mechanic went to roll his dices, I had to move to Gumdrop Meadow space. I believed this was common action, and proceeded. But, only a space away from manuvering there, I landed on trap. They said I had to move back 4 space. It was so humiliate for me. Then Operator went roll and I was hope he went same way as I, but no. He went past finish line and was super "happy". After this, Mechanic went roll too. I was asking Mr. Jesus in the above to be nice and let him fail, but no. I was forsaken. Mechanic moved the little playing person past the endzone and was in second place. I could not believe. I had lose. Of course, tried to hold back tears, but could not do so. Broke down and wept. Mechanic jested at my misery. Then he went and left to get a "snack". Operator sit next to me and was tell it was alright and then started Frenchkiss me. I was shock because this was not normal. I sayed stop because whatever you trying to do it look really weird an he say fine an then slap me on buttucks before leaving. Nobody was know what I feel so sorry about. I decide to shoot Candyland board with proton laser. Burned hole through floor, and almost caused ship explosion. I no care. Such a failure was I. So now I sit and write to you this tale. By way, I still listening to sister's "Fall Out Boy". Going now to look for sharp things. Bye.
So bored now. Operator keep give me and Mechanic funny looks, like he want a chocolate bar or something. But no chocolate bars exist with us. So we cannot aid him. Mechanic likes call him "flag" and throw heavy object at. I sayed to Mechanic to stop because that probably hurt Operator. Mechanic ask if I his wife or something. I said back that that silly because I am a male unit. Mechanic scoff and proceed to slice off Operator's arm. I'm not so sure what feuding the duo have, but best to be "sticks and stones can break bones, but names do not hurt" with them, and stay out of arguing. I think the things the "Fall Out Boy" speaks of are depress, but they are my best way of not be bored, so I go wear the black and make disection of my arms.
Today I was wake up at 4 in morning because I was thirsty and want some milk. On way to kitchen, I was look to see bright glowing in Main Screen room. Main Screen was almost always off because nothing interesting there. Only boring statistics that told us where we were going and how to stop ship from crashing. Nobody care about that. So I was ask "who's there?" and Mechanic had breathy voice and he was say "go away! Don't talk to me now!" and I went into room. Main screen was turn on, and there were lots of pretty ladies on it and they were playing games with each other in slow motion and they had swimming suits and underpants. I was want ask who these ladies were and why they were lick whipped cream off each other. Mechanic said that it didn't matter, because they were "hot"... I asked if I should get fire extinguisher to stop them from be on fire and he sayed shut up. Then I figured out it was a movie and I asked if I should get some popcorn and wake Operator up so we could all watch the movie together. He said that Operator wouldn't like this kind of movie and that I should be go away before he stab me to death. I decide to go away. But I know that that wasn't a very good movie because all the ladies were always sigh and groaning even if they were just lying down or lick popsicle... Maybe they were very tired actors or something of the liking.
I've been here far too long. Just look at my grammar. It's gotten terrible. I can barely say a coherent sentence. It truly is dreadful. I don't even know if you can read such a horrendously poor quality of writing, but I'm trying to the best of my abilities. Our situation is growing out of hand. Claustrophobia is setting in. We haven't had any contact with the outside world since our ship was deployed. I have no idea of what is transpiring in the universe, and I merely hope we are freed from this cold metal purgatory before we all go completely mad. I'm already far gone... I have begun to miss my sister dearest and my loving parents. None of them are perfect, but I love them all the same. AHHH!!! This is horrible!!! I'm prioritizing things in my life and thinking about others than me! When will this madness stop!!? I think I'm going to take my own life instead of spending another minute in my current state of insanity! Farewell, to all those close to my heart. I never meant for it to end this way. Parting is such sweet sorrow...
Novemberish 13 or whatever. It's A.D. 2101... I think. Oh yeah, and time is 9:30 A.M.Edit
I'm such a silly geese today. There was a rope and I tried to swing off of it or something. Maybe I wanted be Tarzan jungle man. Imagination is fun! Anyway, I go-ed off the rope and then thing happened. Big pipe. Was metal. Went hit my head and causing an ouch to be emitted from me. Now I'm all better. Yay!! Mechanic is still beat up Operator. Today he tried stick him in engine and propellers sliced off his fingers. They can be so silly! Oh well I'm going try win Candyland again today, Mr. Diary! Wishing me luck!
Novembering 14th-ish... Year being A.D. 2101. 11:50 A.M.Edit
Someone set us up the bomb! We were sit in the Main Screen room because we were play musical chairs and it was fun. My chair was really swivel-y. Then, flashy light happened! We got signal! I said "What!?"... Somebody set us up the bomb was what. Then, main screen turned on. But the playing ladies weren't there. It was CATS! Yes. He was an asshole! He was to be tell us that we were gentlemen and "how are you"... And then he told us that all our base were belong to him! I knew that green-skinned asshole like him would be up to something! But nobody said what happen to Adam Sandler. Anyway, he was be very mean and not nice to us and then said that we were on the way to destruction and to make our time. He was not polite or anything of the sort. And then he went HA HA HA HA and disappear-vanished, like a ghost! But not like a friendly ghost like Casper. Like a scary ghost. I was scared and he was so mean. So then I decide to be brave for mine Cat back home and be super good Captain. It is so irony that we were betrayed by man with plural name that is same as the species of my Cat. No one would guess such a plot twist. Would make good movie. Anyway, being a brave captain. I told everybody take off every Zig, for great justice. So we went into fighter jet and flew away to move Zigs with big kaboom. It was scary. And that's what I'm do, now. I'll talk to you later, bye!
November 14th-ish of Year A.D. 2101. Tick tock time: 3:05 P.M.Edit
I'm really scared, Mr. Diary. The Zigs make explosions at us and we don't make them explosions back. Right now, one is shoot a missile at me and it's coming closer.... And Closer.... And Closer. It's a pretty missile... It's almost here.... Okay, now it's------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------