“Pee in a Goddamn bottle! Shove that bottle under your coat, and you'll be toasty warm all night.”
“WAIT,WAIT,WAIT! That's not!....lemonade...”
Experts have disagreed on the controversial question which has hounded mankind for centuries: peepee or pee pee? One word or two? I'm guessing two, but can you ever really be sure?
Commonly used among hikers, George W. Bush, and Batman urine is easily accessed for self-consumption. Male mammals have the ability to aim this refreshing drink directly into their mouths. Females, you might need a cup.
The majority of the world's urine can be found diluted in sewage, sea-water, or in the neighborhood swimming pool.
Some individuals music industry, particularly fans of Marilyn Manson and KISS, enjoy a refreshing splash of urine in their face from time to time.
Not a single person on this great planet of ours has not tried urinating (pissing yellow pee out of your dick), making it the most popular choice of activities second only to sleeping, and eating. In France they are making urination a sport. Pissed off, pissed on, pissing for gold-plated plastic trophies--those French.
How to pee properly
NOTE: the following does not apply to pooping.
Drink several cups of tea. If you don't like tea, cups of someone else's pee can be substituted under proper supervision (see the section: "How to drink pee"). Five or six cups should do the trick, although one can of Mountain Dew has been proven to have the same effect. Straighten up your genitals and relax. Just let it loose. It should come out in a clear or yellow stream.
I GOTTA PEE
Some people gotta shit as well... you motha fuka
Chemical Components of Urinating
- Uric acid
- Intact Private Place (Ineffective for Tiger Woods)
- Pabst Blue Ribbon
How to pee in a toilet standing up, and down
Men: Up: Put seat up. Stand straight, aim and enjoy. Put seat down. Go "mmmm". Down: Take a seat if you've had a long day. Take your penis is tuck it safely between your legs so it doesn't touch the toilet. Make sure it's done in a way you don't piss on yourself.
Woman: Up: (Also known as the "sit and squat") If you are at an unsanitary bathroom, or feel like straining yourself more at a clean bathroom. Simply squat (which might be misleading by the title, squatting is like sitting and standing at the same time) making sure you can aim wear your pee will go, and that you aren't going to fall in the toilet or on the seat. Down: Sit, let it gush out. Go "ahhh".
A trinkle in the dark
A common difficulty experienced by urinators is getting pee into the toilet when it is dark. Experts recommend clipping a book light to your penis. Then, when you have to take a piss, just hit the button and turn it on. There you go, now you can see where your going and you won't get yelled at to clean up your mess. If you do make a mess the best way to remove pee from any surface is to rub the object on area with peanut butter, pour on some Coke, and rub thoroughly. Then use a cup to scoop up the soggy peanut butter and the pee stain will be gone! Shamwow! But just in case, you can always do a "favor" for who ever you live with and buy them a nice rug for the bathroom and pray it doesn't smell. *Sniffs* ahhhh... fresh! this is a guide how to pee: you just take out your long jhon (penis) and begins too pee
How to drink pee
Now that you'd learn how to pee, learn how to DRINK PEE
An excellent urine-based cocktail, known as the Excalibur, can be created with the following recipe:
3 oz. Dom Perignon, or other fine champagne
3 oz. single-malt scotch
2 oz. sherry
A dash of bitters
Handful of salt.
Combine all ingredients in a highball glass and consume. Then add crushed ice to the empty glass, wait one to two hours, and urinate into the glass. Consume.
Another popular way to drink urine is as follows:
Mix four cups of pee [best if yellow] with 8oz of vodka and stir gently. Add 2oz of spit, and 8grams of peanut butter. Then add three cups of toilet water. Drink up. I know it sounds gross, but try it.
Sometimes it is very helpful when drinking pee out of a glass to use a tube or a straw. This gives it that extra kick.
The Magic of Yellow
Urination, urine, peeing, pissing, and in some circles, "leaking" has a long-standing tradition of beauty, and most importantly, it is the source of all power in the universe. In 1492, when President Gerald R. Ford was first inaugurated, urine was his first beverage in the White House.
Urinating in public places is another way of greeting people, and is especially polite if you "shake" in their face. Urination can also be sexually enjoyable between people, peeing on other people can be seen as part of sex, while peeing on oneself may be considered "Golden Shower" man. Urine is also a common ingredient in "Lemon Snowcones", which is usually given to a drunk or "hammered person" who believes they are merely enjoying a lemon snowcone.
What Happens When Your Pee Turns Blue??
If your pee is blue, then WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?! Get to the emergency room, man! Hurry up and RUN!!!
Recent studies have also indicated that drinking Nuka Cola Quantum can make your pee glow blue and drinking gratuitous amounts of POWERTHIRST, will do the trick.
Recycled Urine and Super Powers
Several doctors bragging honorary degrees from "Happy Harry's Honorary Degree Emporium" have recently determined that super human strength, speed, and smell can be gained by recycling urine. One can recycle urine either by drinking urine, freebasing urine, or applying urine crystals directly to the dick. Dr. Steve claimed to have all the powers described above as a result of drinking his own urine. However, Dr. Steve died during testing of his theory regarding recycled urine and flight.
Note to females
In much of this article, the word "penis" is used. This is due to biological conventions. If you substitute "vagina" in all instructions - get it out and hold onto it with both hands - the same effect will be achieved. I know they told you in grade school that you couldn't pee standing up, but that's just a lie to hold you back. You're a big girl now, and can do what you like.