UnBooks:A Story, About a Man, that Comes to an Eventual Conclusion
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
A Note From the Author
The author would like to explain that he was not stoned when he wrote this article. In fact, he has never been stoned. He does not, however, argue the fact that he is Bat Fuck Insane. For this, he apologizes. He also concedes that sleeplessness was involved in the penning of this adventure. A few days worth of sleeplessness, actually. For this also, he apologizes. With that, he hopes you can enjoy this sophisticated tale of honor, sacrafice, and a struggle with the loss of innocence.
Chapter 1: An Ordinary Day, Whenever it Began
Amos Fitzsimons woke up today...or maybe he had woken up yesterday. He couldn't remember. In either case, he was still in a daze from waking. He fed his cat Jerry, or Hubert or whatever her name was. It was a beautiful day full of murder and dejection, everything Amos hated. He checked his watch while he began undressing. Shit. He was late for work again. The boss wouldn't be happy about this. But, it was his first time being late, so it shouldn't be so bad. Still, he couldn't figure out why he was naked. Had he been sleeping again?
"Oh, have at you!" he said to nothing and no one in particular. He dressed himself, and decided to go to work. As he got outside, he had to decide whether to walk, or drive. "Work is 20 miles away!' he said without any emotion. "Why would I even think about walking?"
Chapter 2: A Trip of Multiple Possibilities
During his walk to work, Amos noticed it smelled of murder on his street. He loved the smell of murder. Still, Amos kept walking, determined to get to work today, and gain some weight. Muscle weight, the best kind of weight. Amos was horribly fat, but he didn't mind. Still, he should probably get to work a little faster seeing as though he's late. However, he saw an old lady in a wheelchair trying to get across the road. He figured he should probably help her out, since there was a lot of traffic in this area.
(Now, I'm not going to write that Amos walked over to the old lady, punched her in the face, and stole the wheelchair. That would be inconceivable of me. So you can figure out how he got the wheelchair yourself. Perhaps, he picked her up, and took her back to her family, who she hadn't seen in 15 years because she had spanked her grandchild, Melissa, which the mother, Josephina, did not appreciate. Then they got in a fight over the old lady trying to be a mother, and not letting Josephina raise Melissa, which led to Josephina pushing the old lady down some steps, paralyzing her from the waist down, as the young Melissa looked on in horror, and has not spoken since because she blames herself for the accident, which has caused the family considerable strain given that Josephina was in jail for 10 years because even though the old lady did not press charges, Josephina's brother, Bartholomew, did because he was upset with Josephina over the fact that she did not give him a gift three Christmases before, even though he had given her a car a year before that. This left the family in shambles, and the old lady, in her grief, had become a recluse, looking for love from kind strangers, who to help her across the street and walk her home where she would bake them a nice warm pie, and tell them stories of her life (like when she had lived on a farm as a child) while the pie cooled in the windowsill. However, the pie was stolen from the windowsill by a three-legged thief, which caused Amos to run after him and get the pie back, at which time the pie fell to the ground, ruined, and Amos, consumed by the grief he felt for the old lady, and all the effort she put into the pie, could not force himself to tell her, and decided he really did need to get back to work, when he noticed he was in the same place as when he picked up the old lady in the first place, and decided to take her wheelchair. You could easily decide that is how he got it. Or you could just agree that he punched the old lady repeatedly in the face, and stole it. It’s up to you.)
Amos loved his new wheelchair. It was definitely better then walking. Still, since work was completely uphill, walking would have been better. "NO!" he screamed at the fence next to him. He was determined to lose weight, and this was a great way to do it. When Amos got to the top of the first hill, he realized how big of a moron he was, and got angry. He leaped off his wheelchair and threw the it back down the hill at a roving band of Final Fantasy VII fans, who were in town for the weekend. "I never loved you anyway!" he shouted at the wheelchair as it barreled down the hill.
As he finally finished walking to work, Amos wondered how he was going to explain the blood on his hands to his boss. He couldn't really explain it himself. "Damn it, I punched another old lady, didn't I?" Some people turned their heads to him suddenly, but turned away once they noticed he looked like a nice guy. Amos got to the front door at work. "Locked again," Amos would have said had he said anything, but he didn't. He didn't want to get another vandalism charge against himself, so he had to find some other way to get in without breaking anything!!!
Chapter 3: One Long Journey is Over, and Then It Isn't
After throwing a rock through the window, Amos entered through the open side-door. "Hmmmmm...I've never been in this room before," he thought as he entered the lobby. There were a couple important looking people staring at a broken window. One of them looked at him angrily.
"Has it been hailing again? That's odd I didn't notice a storm last night. Oh well, Chalk one up to God, eh Smithy?" Amos commented cheerfully as he walked past the group.
Amos got to the elevator, but decided to take the stairs. He hadn't done much walking lately, and needed the exercise if he was going to stay in such great shape as he was presently in. It wasn't until he got to the 143rd floor that he remembered his office was on the first. By this point in time, his legs had cramped up, and he was barely able to walk. He ran into the bathroom and noticed a wheelchair outside the large stall.
"Whoa! A Wheelchair!!" Amos muttered, "I haven't seen one of those since I was a kid. With my legs as bad as they are, this must be a gift for me from heaven." As Amos went to take it, he heard a soft, supple voice come from the stall.
"Hey man, what in the hell do you think you're doing?" the man from the stall growled.
"Taking this gift I received," Amos replied, a little taken aback by hearing another man in the women's bathroom.
"A gift to you? That's my wheelchair you jackass. You can't just take everything you see. It’s not prudent, and it’s a little selfish. Plus I need that to move around, and you can walk just fine."
Amos would have responded to this, but he had already taken the wheelchair out into the hallway. "What an odd fellow," Amos commented as he wheeled himself to the stairs.
Chapter 4: Accidents Happen, Unless they Aren't Accidents. But Those Non-Accidents Still Happen Too
"Sir!" a woman called to him. "I don't think you can take the stairs!"
"Don't tell me what I can't do!" Amos shouted, and took the plunge.
It was exactly half a second later that Amos realized she may have been right. Luckily, there was a wall in his path to stop the fall. Amos slammed into the wall face-first, and fell to the floor.
"That should have hurt way more than it did," Amos screamed in agony. He got up and checked to see if he was missing any teeth. He was happy to see that no new teeth were missing, as he already didn't have any.
"Looks like this day just got a little bit better," Amos said before passing out.
When Amos came to he was surrounded by no one. He decided to get up. He needed to go to work, and he was running late as it was. He couldn't really figure out why he was dressed. Perhaps he had been sleeping again. Oh well. He needed to go for his morning run though, so he decided to take the elevator down to the lobby. As he stepped out of the elevator there was a man waiting for him. The man calmly ran over to him, and he looked pissed.
"Fitzsimons, you're late. Lets go," he yelled as he took Amos by the arm, and pulled him through a grubby looking door on the side of the room. "Jesus Christ boy! What have you done to your face? Did you steal Franklin's wheelchair again? That's the second time this month."
"Where am I?" Amos asked in a voice that dripped with wisdom.
"The same place you are everyday," the man replied. "Work. Blood on your hands I see. Damnit man! How many times to I have to tell you not to punch old ladies?"
"Oh, sorry," Amos sneered. "So, this is the famous 'work' I always go to, eh? Well I don't think I feel like doing 'work' today. So I guess you're out of luck."
"Shut the hell up, and get up to floor 143," the man replied. "The bathroom up there is filthy, and you haven't mopped it in weeks. And please remember to bring your mop this time."
"Jeepers!" Amos shrieked, and walked out without another word.
The man walked over to the table in the middle of the room, grabbing his cigarettes from his front shirt pocket. "That kid could really be going somewhere in life. It's a shame he's stuck in a place like this," the man thought to himself as he lit his cigarette, and propped his feet up on the table. "A damn shame."
The Eight Unnecessary Blank Pages before the Back Cover
Critical Praise for "A Story, About a Man, that Comes to an Eventual Conclusion"
“ An instant classic! This UnBook will obviously have repercussions for years to come!”
“ A well crafted tale of love and loss. D+, wouldn't read again.”
“ Actually, I didn't really get it.”