Hello, I am Jim Douche. I am a random citizen interviewer, which means my job is to find random people to interview for one whole day and then move on to another citizen. People question if I just try to live in their homes for one day and move on to another one, that is not true, trust me.
This morning I found a young man walking on the street with hair that was ridiculously long, I studied every movement he made and then I knew who to interview next. I took a couple steps closer to the kid, not too loud, not too quiet. I gave him a gentle greeting that I knew would lead him to trust me, fool.
“Hello, young man” I said in a gentle and trusting way.
“Who the fuck are you?” The emo said.
I was astonished by the young man's foul language, though I had to be gentle and not lose my sanity
“Sir, may I ask what your name is?” I said.
“Why the fuck would you care?” He said.
“I want to interview you for a whole day, I'm writing a book on what an average day is for kids like you.” I replied.
“No way, creep!” He yelled.
Creep? I am no creep! I'm Jim Doosh, the greatest man in America! I had to think of something before he walked away......bribery!
“Wait! Come back sir!” I said.
“What is it now?” He said.
"What if I give you 20 bucks for me to stay at your house and interview you?” I said.
“Make it 100 and you have a deal.”
“Dammit! I was hoping not to pay that much” I said to myself.
When I got to the young mans house later in the morning, I first went to the bathroom as soon as I could and I let a motherload out. When I got back I sat on the couch next to the emo.
“Now, can you tell me what your name is?” I said.
“Call me Brandon” Brandon said.
“Now, how are you?” I said.
“I don't want to fucking talk about it” He said.
“Whats wrong? Are you self-conscious? Are you fat?” I said.
“I'm not fat!” Brandon said.
“SHUT UP, FATTY!” I said.
“You know, what? GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!!!!!” Brandon said.
“No, I paid you money, now I'm here to stay! Deal with it!” I said.
“Fine” Brandon said.
I studied Brandon more and more often, then I found cuts on his skin, I was surprised and then thought of something.
“Brandon, what are those on your arm?” I said.
“Nothing.” Brandon said.
“Tell me!” I said.
“Nothing!” Brandon said.
“You know what, you seem abused, take this gun and shoot your bullies with it at school” I said.
“Thanks, I'm gonna go to the bathroom with my gun.” Brandon said.
“OK, you do that” I said.
I was confused because after he went to the bathroom he never came out so then I checked in the bathroom and looked for Brandon, then I realized I was stepping on him.
“OH MY GOD! AAAAAAAAA!” I screamed.
I then ran out of the house and ran far away so I wouldn't get caught.
Remember though, I am Jim Doosh, the greatest man in america. Maybe one day, I will interview one day. Please, please, don't run away! I need a house to live in for at least a day.