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Book of the Month
July 2009 - Michael Phelps Makes Me Sick

There he was, celebrating his greatness, while his teammates try to bask in his glory. God, he makes me sick.

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Jesus that Michael Phelps could swim. I knew he was good back in '04, but 8 gold medals? And yet, for some reason I was not taken in by him. Sure he created entertaining swim meets, and he could swim faster than anyone alive, but deep down something wasn't right. Deep down, I knew he was kind of a douche. It hurts to say so, even now. He's from my home state. I'm supposed to love him, cheer him on at every moment. I did not. In fact, I may even go so far as to say I did not like him one bit. But, as Americans we were supposed to stick together. So, as I watched him win his 8th gold medal that day, I tried to be nice.

"That man is my hero," my best friend Monica announced.

Oh, Monica. We had been friends since she moved here from Florida in 4th Grade. I had a crush on her within a week, and there we were, 8 years later. I had yet to make a move, and she had yet to notice the way I watched her eat. Yet to notice the way I watched her walk. Yet to notice the way I watched her sleep in her bed when she didn't know I had snuck in her house at night. She was out of my league though, and I think we both knew it. And still I stuck to hope. I stuck to whatever strands of any possibility she would give me. I stuck to her gum when she threw it into the trash. Oh, Monica! Was I always to be just a friend in your eyes! Still, I didn't want to do anything rash, and ruin what we had. I decided to play it cool, and hold my tongue.

"That Ass! I hate him so much!" I screamed. Nailed it.

"Are you serious? He won 8 gold medals! I would kill just to win one. Man and that body. Mmph."

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UnBooks (most recent) UnAuthor of the Month

There are some people out there who just know how to write UnBooks. This month's author may or may not, but one thing is certain: he definitely knows how to be a historical archivist. Specifically, during his archiving adventures, Mr. Sternenstein happened upon an introduction to Thoreau's romantic dramedy/hippie bible, Walden. This work was previously thought lost or destroyed by one guy who actually read the book instead of just skimming through the SparkNotes version. For his daring work in digging through people's basements looking for old pieces of paper, this month we recognize Guildensternenstein.

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