Ultimate Marvel Comics
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Welcome to the substandard ULTIMATE Marvel comic entry. Wipe your feet, and watch out for Moonmaster. Just spray him with water if he gets out of line.
“I AM THE NEXUS!”
“That's it, I'm closing down the site and burning all my comics”
“The Ultimate Marvel Comics were so bad that Marvel had to file for bankruptcy twice, and even lay off Stan Lee to save money”
“Worst comic series ever!”
Ultimate Marvel Comics was the beautiful standard of comics everywhere, then, chaos happened. Someone found the keycode to release the hounds of randomness and uncohesiveness, and they rampaged over all that is Ultimate Marvel. A team of heroes have been called forth to quell the oncoming disaster. Too bad they got waylaid drinking piss coffee in a downtrodden cafe with someone known as Elijah Snow. Now we are all doomed! Marvel didn't learn it's lesson from the New Universe and did another New Universe called the Ultimate Universe.
edit Ultimate History
Started in the year 1940, the former President Taft declared that the Ultimate Comic line be created in his image. He then promptly died in his bathtub from scurvy. Some people believe that he was killed by a pirate ninja cowboy assassin; they are wrong. It was just a coincidence OKAY?!
Sixty years later, the second greatest editor ever known to Marvel was in his room one night, blasting his own taft, which is a term for pleasuring oneself, which is a term for getting off with your left hand (which if you sit on it enough till it goes tingly you can give yourself the stranger. You've known you've tried it, admit it), which is a term for masturbation. When he achieved bliss, Jemas had the wonderful idea to make the comic book line that Taft wanted oh so many years ago. Cleaning up his keyboard, he called writer Brain Micheal (in ten years I'll be the man and you'll be my peons) Bendis. They crafted Ultimate Spiderman and some paper airplanes (which coincidentally enough became the plotlines for future Ultimate Spiderman arcs, Clone Saga, Carnage and Hobgoblin!). They roped in mega superstar artist Mark "All my girls tend to look the same when I get bored drawing the same thing for hundred of issues" Bagley.
Chaos ensued in the comic book world. In a mighty revolution, in which Bendis back stabbed his former ally Jemas, A man named Joe Q. got possession of the One Ring, and became the editor for Marvel. With glittering gold in his eyes, he decided to pump all his resources (surprisingly here I do mean resources, not another euphemism for blasting taft) into the Ultimate Line. Then he blasted Taft all over Bendis' Daredevil Run. He created several more Ultimate books, which first showed promise and a cohesive universe, until one day when it went downhill. Several people wonder where to put this blame of when the Ultimate Universe jumped the shark, but as the famous administrator from Ultimate Central said, "MATT DAMON!".
To this day, people wonder what happened to the green pastures of the Ultimate Universe. A select few know the truth, and have buried it with clues. This winter, Nicholas Cage finds out this secret with Jon Voight in the sequel to National Treasure coming only to theaters.
edit Current Ultimate Titles
Ultimate Marvel Comics currently publishes everything that any over hyped writer can write for them. You are warned....
Other titles include:
- Ultimate Hulk
- Ultimate Spiderman
- Ultimate Ironman
- Ultimate Blade v 2.0
- Ultimate Vespa
- Ultimate Rob Liefeld's Shaft!
- Ultimate MATT DAMON!
edit See also
|Superheroes and heroines||Captain Planet - The Amazing Fiber-Man - Spider-Woman - Mary Jane - The Incredible Hunk-Iron Man - The Scarlet Spider - Daredevil - Dr. Strange - The Punisher - Ghost Rider - Deadpool - Igloo - The other Captain Marvel - Stan Lee|
|Supervillains||Blackheart - Dr. Doom - Electro - Galactus - Green Goblin - Juggernaut - Mecha-Dracula - Rob Liefeld - Batroc - Kool-Aid Man - Loki - The Hobgoblin - Fred Phelps - Blackout the Vampire - Venom - Dr. Octopus - Spider-Man's Rogue's Gallery - The Creature|
|X-Men||Professor X - Apocyclopse - Gene Grey - Beast - Wolverine - Bishop - Cable the Larry Guy - Northstar|
|Salacious Six||Sr. Tentacles - The Wang - Sabertooth|
|Other teams||The Inhumans - The Revengers - The Fantastic Four|