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“Who the shit is Gerry Adams”
“ULSTER SAYS NO”
“ULSTER BANK SAYS YES”
“I Hate it”
“Were not Brazil, Were Norn Iron”
“What we need, is an alternative Ulster.”
The name Ulster is a miss harper (famous for her baps) and confuses people. The correct name under the rules of Oscar Wilde is Ol' Father Flaps, or Norn Iron. Many people fail to note there are 3 counties, Cavan, Donegal and Monaghan in Ulster that are part of
the Republic of Ireland which does not actually exist either. It is world famous as the only province in the world to be made entirely of meat and grit, the inhabitants of this grimace of the civilised world are all either butchers, drunk, or marching in Military formation through areas where they are not popping round for tea. There has been bitter clandestine rivalry between the 2 warring factions of butchers for two centuries. It is believed by most Ulstermen to be the greatest place on earth and regarded by most Irishmen to be a complete waste of time. Some Ulstermen are also Irishmen; which causes much confusion to many people; but those with geographical education can possibly imagine a situation where this might be so.
On one side are the Nationalists, mostly Catholic, who believe that Norn Iron must be given to the ownership of the ET party in the south. The Unionists, mostly Protestant, want mostly to be left alone to say no.
The butcher battle of 1996
On the 14 of March 1996 (St Sneaky Pete`s day) The greatest meat battle planet earth has ever seen took place causing a world wide shortage of burgers. It was during this shotage that the pastie bap was invented. The battle broke out when the leader of the Prodmans, Jimmy Wing-Nut, accused the leader of the Fenians, Paddy -One eye brow- Mcluggage, of taking more than three shakes, while winking at him in saucy yet condensending manner, when he used the urinal in the Harbour Bar in Portrush.
A solution came when the Chief of the Catholic birthday party, Gerry Adams, declared a cessation of hostilities and got his cousin St.Ian of paisley to to lend him a tenner to celebrate his new job as President of Belfast.
Ulster's most popular football club is There isnt 1 lol, and their fans cheer and throw tennis Balls. Ulster's most popular football club? Well, there are two...Manchester United or Liverpool. Naturally.
One of the most revered symbols of Northern Ireland is the legendary Red Prick of Ulster. The symbol recalls an ancient fraternity crew race, inspired by Anton van Leeuwenhoek's observations of spermatozoa, in which several king wannabes raced to an island, where the first to deflower a Princess would inherit the throne of Ireland. In one version of the legend, the Uí Néill king was the one who, seeing that he was losing the race, severed his own member and used a giant slingshot to shoot it onto shore, where the Princess eagerly availed herself of it to avoid being married off to a Protestant, but mostly because it was the only kind of sex toy permitted to good Catholics and she didn't want to miss the chance. The English bloke Dermott made it to shore shortly afterwards, and ignoring the Princess' claims she was a married woman, made a forcible invasion. The Irish said that didn't count for anything, but who cares what a bunch of bloody wogs have to say?
Most residents base their lives around the Police Acadamy movies, their stance on immorality and in handing the important jobs to those least able to carry them out has led to many power failures, a high crime rate and numerous explosions at important industrial complexes. In continuing this great tradition, Ulster is now run by 5 cats, 2 dogs, a horse and a potato.
One thing to note is that Ulster in Irish is Uladh, now you're thinkin' it's spelt how it looks, no chance sunshine. It is pronounced errr-loo. Which is stupid.