Ukraine
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
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| Motto: Hey, Russia. See these nuts? Suck 'em! | |||||
| Anthem: Wild Dances | |||||
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| Capital | Kyiv (Alternate spellings include "Kiev," Kyyiv," "Kkyyyivv," and "Dniproborysyalyublyborscht") | ||||
| Largest city | Pripyat... but you won't get to see it, you'll starve during the winter | ||||
| Official languages | All except Russian, really. | ||||
| Government | Democracy / Who survives the Russian Poison | ||||
| Warlord | Yulia Tymoshenko | ||||
| National Hero(es) | | ||||
| Declaration of Independence | 1997 | ||||
| Currency | | ||||
| Religion | Bauerism | ||||
| Major exports | Vodka, Potatoes, Mail Order Wives, AIDS, douchebag Russian 14 year olds, Large Waves of radiation, bootleg CDs. | ||||
| Major imports | Fat, bald, middle-aged Westerners looking for 18 year old wives, sex tourists | ||||
| Opening hours | 0900-1800 (Closed at 1200 on Wednesdays, Closed all day on 2nd Friday of the Month for Stocktake) | ||||
“Help me, I've been poisoned!”
~ Ukrainian Citizen on Ukraine.
“For the last damn time, it's Ukraine, not the Ukraine...asshole.”
~ A Ukrainian explaining to an American that there is no "the" in the Ukraine.
“Ukraine? What the F#&*k is that?”
~ An average American on the street
“Ukraine? Isn't that a city in Russia?”
~ A Filipino tourist in the US after having met a Ukrainian there.
“Russian people.”
~ A Polish woman describing Western Ukrainians in 1978
Ukraine (Ukranian "ugh-cry-inn-ah" for edge of the world, because they didn't want to see Poland just next to it), also written as You Crane, is a huge, but somehow unfindable country aparently located somewhere in the depths of Europeshire. The country suddenly ceases to exist when people think of the pur 1337 pwnage of Russia. However, many scientists continue to debate its existence. The country is among the wealthiest in Europe due to numerous mafia members and unfeasibly large farms, which are bigger than Earth itself since they all have at least seven dimensions. Ukrainian women are drop dead gorgeous and love to be referred to as "hohli," especially by American men. It was founded by the athletic director of football, named YAROSLAV. He created it with his deadly SPIN MOVE (where he pilots a helicopter and spins it to the ground and crashes it) this, somehow, against the laws of physics,logic, and the bible, founded Ukraine.
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[edit] Origins
The origin of the Ukrainian nation is disputed. Russian/Communist agents frequently claim that Slavs begat the Ukrainian people, however this is in large part due to the fact that Russians are themselves a mix of Finns and Mongols and only wish that they were Slavs. In reality, Ukrainians have been around since before time itself. The first humans (Bohdan Adamchuk and Bohdana Jevenko) are known to have been Ukrainians, and while everybody knows that Ukrainians were the first to invent the wheel, domesticate horses, forge iron, grow wheat crops, and master the art of dancing without rhythm at disco bars, few people realize that they also discovered alcohol distilling, the written language, sex, and hangover remedies. However, upon creating these things, they all partied and managed to kill off most of the intelligent Ukrainian population. The less-than-business-savvy Ukrainians who remained traded these inventions to the Germans in exchange for the high-tech automobile technology that now makes Ukrainian cars the best in the world.
Aside to what is written above, there are also many theories as to how the Ukrainian people came to be. Here is a typical Ruthenian phrase aimed at telling a Ukrainian where they come from: M "In Rus', field farms YOU!"
[edit] History
Ukraine is said to have been inhabited by Orange Vikings from Atlantis called Russ. However, newer scientific and historical evidence has revealed that Ukranians were originally all Cheese. Furthermore, all nations with self-esteem issues want to relate themselves to Vikings, Romans, Atlantis, Noah, Elfs, Cyclops, aliens from Aldebaran and etc. Some Cheeses who were not happy with the colder climate moved to Ukraine in the early years of Middle Earth. They continued to procreate and recreate until a healthy population of Ukranians came to exist.
However, when the Mongols invaded The Great Cheese Wheel, they invaded Ukraine and wiped out most of the population. Those they did not kill, they raped. There is primary evidence that says necrophilia was not uncommon. Through "social osmosis", nearby people migrated to Ukraine from surrounding countries. And, hence most of the new incomers were Russians, the country got the alias of Little Russia.
The Cossacks helped fuel Ukraine's depleted Cheese population. Cossacks sporadically appeared throughout the country but they were cast out of the main Ukrainian society because they were always scratching their balls in public so they became lone drifters. Sometime during this time, Cheddar became the greatest of the cheeses. These two facts are tied in with the banning of Ukrainian things.
Many western Ukrainians welcomed the Tex Mex invasion because they were not so happy with Mozzarella. During this invasion, many true Ukrainians were betrayed and killed instead of the Jews. Unfortunately, the country's ratio of Ukrainians to Jews is now 7:1.
In summary, the Ukrainian people are widely acknowledged to have been the most unfortunate people in the history of the world, continually allowing themselves to be conquered by Greeks, Russians, Poles, French and Mongolians. Only with the help of invader incompetence have Ukrainians managed to achieve independence several times. Ironically, they are also considered by scholars to be the greatest warrior-nation the world has ever known.
The greatest success of Ukraine in recent years is selling Andrey Shevchenko (a feat which doubled the money in the country) and being slightly larger than France. Apart from that, most people randomly pick on Ukraine for being unlucky.
[edit] The Uzbeki-Ukr War of 2007
Following a bold invasion by Uzbekistan which resulted in the capturing of all of Ukraine's sweet, sweet, salo, war was declared. Fellow allies, the Great Republic of Georgia And No, We Don't Mean The American State, You Ignorant Assholes Go Look At A Map Of the Caucasus helped draw up plans to regain this precious fatty bacon substance. However, problems arose when Uzbekistan could not be located on a map. Fortunately, it was only a matter of time before the Uzbeks realized salo is best shared with friends. The two countries signed a peace agreement in June. Uzbekistan was greatly interested in how this "salo" was made, Ukraine promised to tell them if they gave them their cherry pies back.
[edit] 2009 Gas Dispute with Russia
On January 1, 2009, after a long and painful night of absolute wastedness, the Ukranian government found out that there might be no more gas in country's reserves due to all of it having been spent to brew horilkas for the New Year. The Ukranian president and pop star Verka Serdyuchka then sent spies to Russia in order to find out the biggest source of natural gas and steal it. The spies brought back home an oxygen tank with "Lenin's gases" written on it. It was opened on January 2, 2009, and is still farting (what do you want, the poor guy has been holding them for what, like, 90 years...).
At the same time, Russian REAL President Vladimir Putin sent a threat letter to Ukraine, stating that they have been "pwnd" and that they will be nuked if they don't return Lenin's fart. The Ukranian government responded with a signed declaration saying "All j00r gHaz r blng 2 gHuz HARHARHARHAR!!!!1111oneone" Following this mockery, Putin invited Ukraine to play a Counter Strike tournament online to determine the winner and the keeper of the gas. It was then determined that Ukraine won the game, so Russia simply stopped provisioning Eastern Europe with gas until Ukraine returns the tank back to Mausoleum.
While both sides began waiting for the other side to give up, sat by the window next to each other and started masturbating, the situation aggravated in Europe. The cold Winter, that only Russians and Russian Ukranians could bear made itself appear in small housings deprived of gas. On several occasions during the dispute, Hungary had protested general starvation outbreaks throughout the country, while Turkey acknowledged a "gobbling" deficit in fowl production. France and Switzerland have also been known to steal gas supplies from Romania in order to cook the infamous fondue cheese, that is normally consumed under cultural grief. Even Kosovo showed discontent... that nobody really cared about.
In scope of such problematic situation, the European Union decided to sacrifice some hot porn actresses into their ritual pit in order for God to come down and resolve the matter. He came, however, for a different purpose - to show the way of "Change" to the One. And while everyone in the World was watching this fantasic US inauguration, Ukraine had secretly released some lawyers who signed a bunch of papers to make it look like Russia backs off from their supply cutting. At the same time, Putin had personally equipped himself with protective suit and descended into the gas tube, breathing by using his buttsecks gills and walked all the way to Ukraine. He then managed to swap Lenin's gases with Zhirinovsky's, which were made of pure American food, and therefore, had a soothing effect on enraged Ukranians.
As the aftermath of the gas dispute, when Topolanek assisted both countries in court, it looked like intoxicated mindless Hoholi were filing in a lawsuit for greedy Kotsapi who had already released the gas back for not acting in a proper capitalist way toward Georgia. When Sarkozy called the court and said that his gas-powered Frenchman killing machine was now back in order, the lawsuit was dismissed.
Later the same day, former US president George W. Bush had cheerfully supported Malaysia for the cause and sent them some gas from his car. His was put to bed after playing with his Play-d'oh before 9 PM.
[edit] Economy
Ukraine's major export is holopchi and nagging. Ukraine also manufactures the totally badass KrAZ military trucks. A huge economical aspect of Eastern European countries such as Ukraine is the Mail-order bride. Most are women looking to get a non-alcoholic husband since men like this are rare in Ukraine.
Ukrainians treasure their alcohol so much, that горілка (English: Horilka, translates to: rubbing alcohol) is actually considered currency by many.
[edit] Sports
Main sports are chasing local Jews out of the country, skinning Polish priests alive and killing entire Polish families with pitchforks and axes, tying Russians to trees and sawing both the tree and the Russian down, slashing Koreans because they look strange, whooping African students, beating up Gypsies and Indian students ( they look the same, don't they). Writing "Ukraine is for Slavs" on Armenian churches is done during the breaks from the abovementioned activities.
[edit] What is a Ukrainian?
A Ukrainian is a person who either is not, or refuses to be, a Russian. The same can be said of Poles, Czechs and Belorussians, but Ukrainians are generally more stressful of this fact. Characteristics of Ukrainians include:
- Must drive Audi (AVDI), BMW or Mercedes
- Must stay sullen, silent and only interrupt the silence with the following phrases: "Death to Russkies!", "Death to Pollacks!", "Death to Kikes!"
- Must consider the Russians "wild Asiatics""Kike-Chinese"," enemies of the nation", "inferior race" and "violent swine".
- Must shop at DSW (pronounced in Ukrainian accent as "DEE ESS DABBLEYOU"
- Speaking the Ukrainian language in public and Russian in private.
- Must blame all the misfortunes of his country on Pollacks, Kikes and Russkies. If it weren't for them, Ukraine would have long ago become as rich as Luxembourg.
- Must be a stalker (Zone Wandering Artifact hunter or Creepy Rapist, either will be best, both are pretty much the same)
- Painting eggs at Easter
- Building T-80Us
- Getting their wheat pinched by Russia
- Dancing
- Drinking Horilka
- Playing the game of drink
- Dressing up
- Dressing up and dancing
- Eating varenikis
- Sleeping in coal
- Drinking
- More Drinking
- Prosecuting jewish dogs
woman
- HAWT
- like to hump things
- dress in
-miniskirts -heels -belly shirts -bikinis
[edit] Military
The Ukrainian Military is one of the best in the world. It is divided between many bureaucratically different organizations which means its effectiveness is questionable. During the Orange Revolution the army/police (yes there is a subtle difference) spent a lot of time fighting, sharing vodka and bread together, and fighting some more. As a result, it is still unclear who won the 2004 Ukrainian presidential election.
[edit] Language
The Ukrainian language is considered by most scholars to be the Best Language in the World. For travellers to Ukraine, following is a list of handy Ukrainian phrases.
- Ти хуй йобаний. (pronounced: ty khuy yo-bany, meaning: "Good day." to a man)
- Ти пизда йобана. (pronounced: ty pyz-da yo-bana, meaning: "Good day." to a woman)
- Пизда твоя мати! (pronounced: Pyz-da tvo-ya ma-ty, meaning: "Hello!")
- Пішов нахуй! (pronounced: pi-show na-khuy, meaning: "Good bye!")
- Ти уйобище. (pronounced: ty u-yo-by-shche, meaning: "Come back soon!")
- Щоб тобi повилазило! (pronouced: Szhob to-bi po-vy-la-zy-lo, meaning: "Thank you very much!")
- Ім'я, суко! (pronounced: im-ya, su-ko!, meaning: "What is your name?")
- Пиздиш! (pronounced: pyz-dysh meaning: "I agree.")
- Насер матер! (pronounced na-ser ma-ter. meaning: "Cool!")
- Чого треба, вилупку? (pronounced: cho-ho tre-ba, vy-lup-ku, meaning "How can I help you, kind sir?")
- Що ти суко пиздиш?! (pronouced: sho ty su-ko pyz-dysh, meaning: "Please repeat what you said.")
- Вiдсмокчи! (pronounced: Weed-smock-chee, meaning: "Give me a kiss!")
- Тоус 'я' ус! (pronounced: Toys R Oos, meaning: "Toys R Us!")
- Сука (pronounced: "sooka", meaning:"Hey, girl!")
- Ник Бэйнэз(Eddie Murphy -esque character - otherwise known as one who will arrive in the Ukraine AND MARRY YOUR WOMEN')
[edit] See also
| Commonwealth of Independent States - Former USSR Republics |
| Russia ~ Belarus ~ Ukraine ~ Estonia ~ Latvia ~ Lithuania ~ Moldova / Moldavia ~ Mordovia ~ Armenia ~ Azerbaijan ~ Georgia ~ Kazakhstan ~ Kyrgyzstan / Krgystan ~ Mongolistan ~ Ghettoistan ~ Tajikistan ~ Turkmenistan ~ Uzbekistan ~ other Stan countries ~ Alaska ~ Israel ~ Lipsonia ~ Soviet Britain |
