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|Motto: Hey, Russia. See these nuts? Suck 'em! and "Бий американців!"|
|Anthem: Nuke for everyone|
|Capital||Kyiv (Alternate spellings include "Kyyiv," "Kkyyyivv," "Kashyyyk," and "Dniproborysyalyublyborscht")|
|Largest city||Pryp'yat... but you won't get to see it, you'll starve during the winter|
|Official language(s)||Anti-Polish, C-sharp, Kazakh|
|2004, abolished 2010|
|Religion||Bauerism 42% , Sagetism 28% , Kommunizm 38% ,|
|Major exports||Misery, Horilka, Potatoes, Soup, Mail Order Wives, AIDS, prostitutes, Large Waves of radiation, Militant Vegans, bootleg CDs/DVDs, topless feminists.|
|Major imports||Fat, bald, middle-aged Westerners looking for 18 year old wives, sex tourists, Plutonium|
|0900-1800 (Closed at 1200 on Wednesdays, Closed all day on 2nd Friday of the Month for Stocktake)|
Ukraine (Ukranian "ugh-cry-inn-ah" for edge of the world, because they didn't want to see Poland just next to it), also written as You Crane, or, more appropriately, The Ukraine, is a huge, but somehow unfindable country apparently located somewhere in the depths of Europeshire, and it is also an independent region of Russia. However, many prominent scientists continue to debate its existence. The country is among the wealthiest in Europe due to numerous mafia members and unfeasibly large farms, which are bigger than Earth itself since they all have at least seven dimensions. Ukrainian women are drop dead gorgeous and love to be referred to as "khokhly," especially by American men. It was founded by the athletic director of football, named Jaroslav. He created it with his deadly spin move (where he pilots a helicopter and spins it to the ground and crashes it) this, somehow, against the laws of physics,logic, and the Bible, founded Ukraine.
The origin of the Ukrainian nation is disputed. In reality, Ukrainians have been around since before time itself. The first humans (Bohdan Adamchuk and Bohdana Jevenko) are known to have been Ukrainians, and while everybody knows that Ukrainians were the first to invent the wheel, domesticate horses, forge iron, grow wheat crops, and master the art of dancing without rhythm at disco bars, few people realize that they also discovered alcohol distilling, the written language, sex, and hangover remedies. However, upon creating these things, they all partied and managed to kill off most of the intelligent Ukrainian population. The less-than-business-savvy Ukrainians who remained traded these inventions to the Germans in exchange for the high-tech automobile technology that now makes Ukrainian cars the best in the world.
Aside to what is written above, there are also many theories as to how the Ukrainian people came to be. Here is a typical Ruthenian phrase aimed at telling a Ukrainian where they come from: M "In Rus', field farms YOU!"
Bizarrely Ukraine's history has long since been linked with Cheese. In early times when the Mongols invented The Great Cheese Wheel, they were able to invaded Ukraine and wipe out most of the population.
The Cossacks helped fuel Ukraine's depleted Cheese population. Cossacks sporadically appeared throughout the country but they were cast out of the main Ukrainian society because they were always scratching their balls in public so they became lone drifters. Sometime during this time, Cheddar became the greatest of the cheeses. These two facts are tied in with the banning of Ukrainian things. Blue Cheese and Cheese-with-holes were persecuted by Cheddar and went to France, forming a union with Merlot wine and eventually waging war with the other Cheese until Cheese-Whiz got its way.
Many western Ukrainians welcomed the Tex Mex invasion because they were not so happy with Mozzarella.
The Uzbek-Ukraine War of 2007
Following a bold invasion by Uzbekistan which resulted in the capturing of all of Ukraine's sweet, sweet, salo, war was declared. Fellow allies, the Great Republic of Georgia And No, We Don't Mean The American State, You Ignorant Assholes Go Look At A Map Of the Caucasus helped draw up plans to regain this precious fatty bacon substance. However, problems arose when Uzbekistan could not be located on a map and when Russia intervened with 100 jugs of samogon, to the immediate consternation of both warring parties. Fortunately, it was only a matter of time before the Uzbeks realized salo is best shared with friends. The two countries signed a peace agreement in June, which stipulated a favorable balance of trade in salo for both countries. Uzbekistan was greatly interested in how this "salo" was made; Ukraine promised to tell them if they gave them their cherry pies back and if they shared this knowledge with Kazakhstan (honorary brothers' in arms who survived Stalin) and friends. China has acrimoniously denounced this deal as a "Hitlerian move", but due to Chinese inability to put Hitler in Chinese characters ("Should we use the characters for 'evil monster mustache'?", from a memorandum on the move) they just left it romanized in the official communique.
2009 Gas Dispute with Russia
On January 1, 2009, after a long and painful night of absolute wastedness, the Ukranian government found out that there might be no more gas in country's reserves due to all of it having been spent to brew horilka for the New Year. The Ukranian president and pop star Verka Serdyuchka then sent spies to Russia in order to find out the biggest source of natural gas and steal it. The spies brought back home an oxygen tank with "Lenin's gases" written on it. It was opened on January 2, 2009, and is still farting (what do you want, the poor guy has been holding them for what, like, 90 years...).
At the same time, Russian REAL President Vladimir Putin sent a threat letter to Ukraine, stating that they have been "pwnd" and that they will be nuked if they don't return Lenin's fart. The Ukranian government responded with a signed declaration saying "All j00r gHaz r blng 2 gHuz HARHARHARHAR!!!!1111oneone" Following this mockery, Putin invited Ukraine to play a Counter Strike tournament online to determine the winner and the keeper of the gas. It was then determined that Ukraine won the game, so Russia simply stopped provisioning Eastern Europe with gas until Ukraine returns the Lenin fart tank back to the Mausoleum.
While both sides began waiting for the other side to give up, sat by the window next to each other and started masturbating, the situation aggravated in Europe. The cold Winter, that only Russians and Russian Ukranians could bear made itself appear in small housings deprived of gas. On several occasions during the dispute, Hungary had protested general starvation outbreaks throughout the country, while Turkey acknowledged a "gobbling" deficit in fowl production. France and Switzerland have also been known to steal gas supplies from Romania in order to cook the infamous fondue cheese, that is normally consumed under cultural grief. Even Kosovo showed discontent... that nobody really cared about.
In scope of such problematic situation, the European Union decided to sacrifice some hot porn actresses into their ritual pit in order for God to come down and resolve the matter. He came, however, for a different purpose - to show the way of "Change" to the One. And while everyone in the World was watching this fantasic US inauguration, Ukraine had secretly released some lawyers who signed a bunch of papers to make it look like Russia backs off from their supply cutting. At the same time, Putin had personally equipped himself with protective suit and descended into the gas tube, breathing by using his buttsecks gills and walked all the way to Ukraine. He then managed to swap Lenin's gases with Zhirinovsky's, which were made of pure American food, and therefore, had a soothing effect on enraged Ukranians.
As the aftermath of the gas dispute, when Topolanek assisted both countries in court, it looked like intoxicated mindless hohly were filing in a lawsuit for greedy katzapy who had already released the gas back for not acting in a proper capitalist way toward Georgia. When Sarkozy called the court and said that his gas-powered Frenchman killing machine was now back in order, the lawsuit was dismissed.
Later the same day, former US president George W. Bush had cheerfully supported Malaysia for the cause and sent them some gas from his car. His was put to bed after playing with his Play-d'oh before 9 PM.
Strangly Ukraine's major export is not cheese, but holubtsi and nagging. No one really likes Ukraine so they don't really do anything. Untily it's too late.
Ukrainians treasure their alcohol so much, that горілка (English: Horilka, translates to: rubbing alcohol) is actually considered currency by many.
What is a Ukrainian?
A Ukrainian is the opposite of a Russian. Unlike weaker slavic tribes, like Poles, Czechs and Belorussians, Ukrainians were never afraid to hunt those unicycle-riding bears down and slaughter them in the most horrible and brutal ways. Characteristics of Ukrainians include:
- Must drive Audi (AVDI), BMW or Mercedes
- Must shop at DSW (pronounced in Ukrainian accent as "DEE ESS DABBLEYOU"
- Speaking and even seeing their dreams exclusively in Ukrainian language.
- Must blame all the misfortunes of his country on Pollacks, Kikes and Russkies. If it weren't for them, Ukraine would have long ago become as rich as Luxembourg.
- Must be a stalker (Zone Wandering Artifact hunter or Creepy Rapist, either will be best, both are pretty much the same)
- Painting eggs at Easter
- Building T-80Us
- Getting their wheat pinched by Russia
- Drinking Horilka
- Playing the game of drink
- Dressing up
- Dressing up and dancing
- Eating varenykys
- Sleeping in coal
- Watches Doctor Who whenever possible.
- Watches "Friends" whenever possible.
- Owner of at least one pig
- Having at least 1 family member in Chicago.
Andriy Shevchenko is the most famous Ukrainian man in history until he joined a fake political party of actors created by the Mafia as a cruel joke on the county. The football player was once loved by all men and women in the country, but now children hiss and cry when he shows his face in public and old women throw cups of urine at his picture to cleanse the sins. At the peak of his sports career when he scored goals, Ukraine made it compulsory that the following day would be a holiday. Sadly now that he is retired from football these days are far behind him.
Ukrainian women was well known for their beauty and their ability to wear miniskirts, high heels and bikinis in the street when the temperature is minus 40 Celsius.
The Ukrainian Military is one of the best in the world. It is divided between many bureaucratically different organizations which means its effectiveness is questionable. During the Orange Revolution the army/police (yes there is a subtle difference) spent a lot of time fighting, sharing vodka and bread together, and fighting some more. As a result, it is still unclear who won the 2004 Ukrainian presidential election. But they don't care. They're all still drinking vodka.
- Pyzduj zvidsil'ja! (I find you very attractive)
- Horilky nemaje, i ne prosit' (I will NOT give you my booze)
- Vse skinchyvsia vazelin, bydu zaraz jybatu po syhomu. (No more Cheese)
- Srav Pes, dyvy vono kazaps'kojy shos' mele. Ty sho kyrvo, z Kazapstany? A ny hytko skydaj shtani ta vyjmaj vsi groshi, bo zaraz dam pyzdu! (Oh you have such a lovely English accent.)
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