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“Being an ugly woman is like being a man...you're gonna have to work.”
Ugly Women (Skankerous Whorus), often referred to as mingers, are rumoured to be closely related to Homo Sapiens, the dominating monkey and the third most intelligent species on planet Earth (mice being the most intelligent and dolphins the 2nd). The appearance of ugly women should be considered extremely deceptive once you have reached the bottom of your 6th beer. Proceed with caution.
History of Ugly Women
Ugly women have existed since the beginning of the human race. Cavewomen were all notoriously ugly but that was not a problem considering cavemen were so ugly their heads were completely indistinguishable from their arses. As time passed though, the ugly gene has receded, and in the late 15th century the majority of the world had rates of 1 ugly woman to every 5 births (except Britain which was experiencing rates of 3 ugly women to every 2 births). In the 19th century ugly rates had declined further, the world average was at 1 ugly woman to every 10 births (Britain reaching the 15th century average of 1 in 3) - this, along with the introduction of plastic surgery and the woman trading (where attractive women from other countries would be shipped to America to work in films and TV and crap like that while the ugly Americans would be shipped to places like Britain and Russia to do housework - nearly dispelled the ugly gene altogether.
The Woman Trade
It was agreed in the late 18th century by Europe and America that woman trading should be introduced to increase an attractive woman's chance of success in the world while hiding all the ugly skanks in the world from being seen in case of causing traumatic experiences. This was accomplished by agreeing to send all the ugly women from Europe to America to work at manual labour, to be housewives, or out into the rainforest where their ugliness would be unseen by unsuspecting eyes. This benefitted both continents greatly - America got the image of ugly fat lard arse obese bitches who need a crane to drive to Macdonalds so they can be lifted out to gorge on burgers, American men got to sit on their fat huge lard arses while ugly American women did all the work, it should be mentioned that real ugly American women descend from the inbreeding redneck southern states,, European men kept their classy ladies and the British got the best deal as after exporting the ugly stick bashing horror monsters to the US of A they kept all their beauties and as such the English,, who did after all have the largest empire the world has ever known,, got the best deal,, the English rose exceeds at looking good while the Fat Yank Tanks excel at dripping sweat just to eat their Burger and Fries.
Characteristics of an Ugly Woman
Ugly women are commonly found atop mechanical bulls or on my rod and tackle. They are also occasionally found in karaoke bars, or in your bed the morning after, along with your hangover. Ugly women may have a monobrow, a flat nose, and/or a head shaped roughly the size of a cabbage with large metallic readings in the blood. You can tell you have met an ugly woman if:
- Suddenly, you think you might prefer men.
- They never wear any make-up or feminine clothes.
- They react jealously to better looking women trying to distract people from their own ugliness
- They never had another boyfriend before they met you.
- All of her friends suddenly look 10 times more attractive
- If you tell another man she likes him, he may start to scream uncontrollably
- She has the acute breath of onions, garlic, rotten eggs, shite
- She has the nasty habit of picking her nose and/or her butt
- She has no taste or sense of style, people mistake her often for a man
- Causes trainwrecks when trains attempt to run her down and get derailed
- They start acting like sluts or become loud to attract attention so as to distract people from their ugliness
- The day after you had sex with her, you ask her not to "tell everyone".
6 stages of an Ugly Woman
Generally an ugly woman will go through the following 6 stages in her life:
- Denial - an ugly woman will start off life denying that she is ugly generally because nobody cares. This stage usually lasts through pre-adolesence so she does not think about what she looks like and goes through life happily.
- Anger - the ugly woman is unlikely to accept being ugly and constantly say things like "Why God, why am I so God damned ugly?" (Not that God gives a fuck), this stage will usually involve anger directed at parents, friends and teachers, it is also not helped by PMS. This stage will usually last the first year or two of adolesence.
- Depression - the ugly woman will then exhibit signs of depression and self-pity, at this point in her life an ugly woman can be highly suicidal and while not a risk to anyone else can leave a nasty mess so suicide should really be avoided. This stage normally lasts through mid-adolesence.
- Bargaining - the ugly woman will then attempt to bargain with God himself to make her look beautiful, however as God doesn't give a fuck she really should try bargaining with Satan on the soul market. Upon failure, the ugly woman will try bargaining with the men around her, in an attempt to have them allow her the privilege of committing all manner of unmentionable acts upon them. These men will always say NO. Unless no one is around, in which case they will say YES, and go on to deny everything to their friends. This stage will usually last through late adolesence.
- Acceptance - the ugly woman will accept that she is monstrously ugly and live as normal a life as she can; later marrying a balding fat, sweaty Yank and just pray her children do not inherit her ugly gene.
- Plastic surgery - the ugly woman spends all of her money to become beautiful. However, plastic surgery is so expensive she will have to sell herself on the streets of Harlem as a crack whore to avoid starvation.