Ubergrue
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An Ubergrue is a creature resembling a Grue, and a member of the Grue family (though not actually a Grue itself). They got their name because they were originally thought to be Grues, but like Eurgs and the Anti-Grue, they are not. They are made of both normal awesomnium and antimatter awesomnium, hence the uberness. They are the most powerful animals in existence. They are so powerful that the mere mention of them caused all the characters in Harry Potter to have a heart attack and die. The only known suvivor from a Ubergrue encounter is Domo-Kun, don't ask how, cause he won't explain and he'll just try to eat you instead.
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[edit] Common traits
There are approximately 200 Ubergrues worldwide, which is even less than there are Eurgs. These numbers are obtained by dropping video cameras into their natural habitat, as no one has ever seen an Ubergrue directly and lived. Like Eurgs, they could be added to the endangered species list but those who wanted to say anything died out of fear of the mere thought of an Ubergrue. Despite this there are still environmental groups who want to create more Ubergrues, even though they have a bad impact on the environment. Typical environmental groups. Their presence can be felt when severe earthquakes occur and everyone in an area asplodes without explanation.
They can survive anywhere. At all. One of their most common habitats (perhaps a vacation resort) is the void. Those which prefer to hunt Eurgs live in the nothing belt. The Ubergrues have no natural predators and so they walk around killing everything. It's a lot of fun, too. Can you imagine walking around as a giant monster crushing everything? Sadly you cannot become an Ubergrue, so you'll have to settle for being a fatty.
[edit] Birth
No one knows how Ubergrues are created, although there are several theories concerning it.
- When a Grue and an Eurg come in contact, the collective pwnage causes them to merge into an Ubergrue. The theory of universal asplosion is a myth created by people who were afraid of Ubergrues. I mean, come on, you think Grues and Eurgs never came in contact? Pfft.
- An Ubergrue is the offspring of a Grue and an Eurg (this would imply the Grue is the male and the Eurg is the female). This theory was rejected because of the nature of Ubergrues to eat Grues and Eurgs.
- Ubergrues are immortal and have been around forever. Although it's generally agreed that they are immortal, this fails to explain their increasing population.
- They are the offspring of Adolf Hitler. However scientists claim this theory as Bullshit.
The ubergrue named Dread Cthulhu was apparently the offspring of a whale and a squid; however, scientists suspect that Cthulhu was actually the offspring of a whale, a squid, a grue, and an eurg. That's one crazy orgy.
[edit] The Grue God Screwed up (THE REAL STORY)
When God was high on something, (possibly kittens) he invited a Domo-Kun over for some Halo ∞, and while they were playing he decided to create some super grue that pwnes regular grues. Obviously the Domo-Kun wasn't happy with this idea, so he left, leaving his character to get repeatedly pwned by God. God then went to the pub and drew a prototype. He thought the prototype was kick-ass so he went with it...
But he was wrong. The Ubergrue design is majorly impractical for these 3 main reasons:
1. The teeth on the side of the Ubergrue's mouth seemed to be an awsome idea at the time, but those extra 4 teeth mean that the Ubergrue must swallow food whole, causing most Ubergrues to die of constipation at some point of their lives.
2. Their (unnamed) sex organs don't mix well with regular grue's hormones, (see above) if joined in the act of sex, both species of Grues will blow up instantaniously.
3. Because of their large claw on both hands, they are unable to use guns to snipe humans in the dark as an alternitave option than eating them whole.
[edit] Behavior
Just as Grues eat humans (and to a lesser extent kittens), Ubergrues are so uber they can eat Grues. Unfortunately this still doesn't spare you from being eaten by an Ubergrue. If you are fortunate and the Ubergrue is full from eating Grues all day, he wont eat you. He will, however, crush your skull in with his foot so he can come back and eat your rotting corpse later. These corpses are often eaten by Scavenger Grues.
As Grues live in the dark and Eurgs live in the light, Ubergrues can live in both the light and the dark. They cannot be killed with standard Grue-killing or Eurg-killing weaponry, or even extreme sarcasm. They have all the strengths of both Grues and Eurgs, and you cannot become immune to them. This means you are basically screwed. Ubergrues are screwed when they meet Petunia.
[edit] What to do When an Ubergrue is After You
Die. There is a 99.99% chance of the Ubergrue successfully eating you and a 100% chance of death. If, however, an Ubergrue is not after you (which is probably the case since you are not yet dead), there are a few proven methods to kill an Ubergrue.
[edit] Ways to kill an Ubergrue
- Become morbidly obese. The Ubergrue will think you are disgusting, but Ubergrues never turn down food. If you are lucky, there is a 1/5 chance the Ubergrue will choke on your fatness and die. However make sure the Ubergrue is hungry because if not it wont work. Evading being eaten by normal grues is also incredibly difficult.
- Use Ununoctium against them. Ununoctium is their weakness. But Ununoctium is so insanely high on the periodic table that no one even knows how to get it, not even Wikipedia. Also, you need to be fast since ununoctium got a half-life time of about a millisecond. Good luck.
- Use the universal asplosion method. The best way to achieve this is to divide by 0. But you already knew that. However, make sure you got over 550 intelligence, otherwise the universal asplosion might not be powerful enough to kill the Ubergrue.
- Bionicle. The sheer cheesiness, lameness, boredom, extremely horrible jokes they have to explain, and epic amounts of failure will overpower the Ubergrue, causing it to die. This is because the Ubergrue has developed a resistance to bionicle, everything else within a 50 mile radius will die twice. Including you. Make sure it's a movie or comic book, action figures wont work and just cause you to waste money.
- The Grue equivalents of humans that can kill Grues can kill Ubergrues with difficulty. But these are pretty rare and will kill you anyway, so don't count on it.
- Domo-kun could be able to kill an Ubergrue, but no one is sure.
- Ubergrues (along with every being in the universe) can easily be ripped apart by Seichusen-Godanzuki.
- Mewtwo can kill ubergrues
- The T-80 can kill a Ubergrue by activating its flight mode, then land into the Ubergrues faces, the driving around, then flying again, then repeating this process until the Ubergrue tells you that the Chuck Norris Meme is getting old (Which is true), then you fire the cannon at him (Not because he said that Chuck Norris was getting old, it because he wanted to eat you), this will usually work, if it doesn't, then the Ubergrue will sprout out something offending towards Oscar Wilde, in which case you just park on top of the Ubergrue, then hit of the head with a Lead Pipe.
- Nuke swords can kill ubergrues
- A level-100 Lucario that knows Aura Sphere has the ability to kill ubergrues and is resistant to the dark type moves of a ubergrue.
- The Dread Tiamat is Capable of even killing the fabled Devil-Grue, This ship makes ubergrues into it's bitches every time they meet. It uses capsules filled with win [aka. nukes] to power all of it's weapons, the greatest of which is a beam made of pure EPIC WIN. The only problem is that it belongs to the american empire, which would never give you the keys after that incident with the soviet whorehouse.
- A good Messatsu-Gou-Hadou should make a ubergrue explode.
- Chiyo Mihama's father can kill ubergrues.
- Find a Xenomorph. If you live, the Xenomorph would kill the Ubergrue. Be warned, the Xenomorph can kill you too.
- Palkia, Arceus or Dialga, Arceus will do it for free and his prefered method of killing is the 'Judgement has been dealt' approach. Palkia will require one fat ass sum of money and even then she may turn round and kill you (taking the money) and go and Spacial Rend all those poor Ubergrues to extinction, Dialga can only do it if he is Level 400,000,000,000 but it's not possible to level up that high, so don't even try.
- We shouldn't have to tell you that the Master Sword can kill EVERYTHING! NO EXCEPTIONS!
- Kirby can eat a Ubergrue. But this ends up backfiring because he turns into Grue-Kirby.
- Haruhi Suzuniya can kill ubergrues and always eats them after killing them.
- Calvin and Hobbes can kill an Ubergrue simply by looking at it, and Hobbes always eats them after.
- The Mikuru Beam can obliterate Ubergrues.
- The same goes for the Minoru Beam.
- It should be obvious by now that the legendary Uerg-Itna can grind up ubergrues.
- Direct sunlight will kill an Ubergrue, but indirect sunlight (such as from a mirror) is useless.
- Another Ubergrue.
- Jib, Because he can control an Ubergrue's movement with telekinesis. then,he'll blind it with his BB magnum, and then beat it up like Juan When He fights The M.B.U.2 in crossing bound 2.
- Bruce Lee, cuz if he has the same power level as Chuck Norris (which is over 9000!!!) he sure as hell could kill an ubergrue.
- Petunia the Skunk. She can kill ubergrues with the power of insanity.
- Mitchell Dickinson. He ran one over with his Smelly Socks of Devastation. Apparently, Ubergrue are very weak against socks that smell like a few million farts, vomit, and dog poop hit it over three or four years. By the way, you won't be get him to help or the Smelly Socks of Devastation. Chuck Norris will be able to beat the hell out of him to get it though.
- Samuel Dickenson, Mitchell's brother and his Smelly socks of Disaster was a disaster for the Ubergrues, he has two pairs of them and he gave one pair to Bruce Lee, as they the Best of Friends.
- Chuck Norris, Few questions asked.
- Ultimate Jesus, but good luck finding him.
- If its not on this list, it can't kill an Ubergrue. No exceptions.
Note: Most of these Methods do not work when fighting the ÜBERGRÜE; (all but the last two) which is mentioned in the Bible 121 Times, there's even a small doodle of it on page 41 in the top left corner.
[edit] Things that cannot kill an Ubergrue
- Any human beings. No matter how smart/stupid/strong/weak/good/evil/powerful. Not even celebrities, but we encourage saying otherwise since no one likes them. (Note: This does not include Chuck Norris)
- In fact, no one even vaguely resembling a human can kill them (Yet again, this does not include Chuck Norris).
- Ubergrues cannot kill themselves, or even get paper cuts. Their skin is made of small uberdiamonds, which is diamond that is so uber it cannot be cut by ANYTHING, except Chuck Norris.
- Anything of less power than a gigantic nuclear black hole explosion cannot kill an Ubergrue. Gigantic nuclear black hole explosions can, but good luck getting one of those.
- Lasers. Ubergrues are the only creatures alive that are immune to the power of the laser.
- DON'T misspell the name of the Oobergroo. It just pisses them off untill they hunt you down-HOLY SHIT!!! GAH!!! MY ARM!!! AAAAAARGH!!! <crunch>
[edit] What to do in the extremely likely scenario that you cannot kill the Ubergrue that is about to eat you
- Die. Yeah, it says that in all the articles, but its true!
- Asplode. If you are lucky your guts will hit the Ubergrue in the eyes and temporarily blind it, causing it to do something stupid. Not sure what, but you never know.
- Summon a Grue. Like summoning a small child to escape Grues and Eurgs, this will add a few seconds to your life. But given your ability to summon Grues, you should be able to keep doing it over and over until the Ubergrue gets full and crushes your skull. At least you killed some Grues. Provided they don't eat you first, which they probably will. Unless you're on a cliff and you summon Grues over the edge so they fall and cant get to you.
- Summon an Eurg. But do NOT summon both.
- Begin writing your will. If lucky, it will come out when the Ubergrue defecates. But keep it short, you have about 5 seconds to live before you are eaten and will then survive approximately 20 seconds inside the Ubergrue (yes, that's right, they don't chew people. They just inhale them).
[edit] Comparisons With Other Members of the Grue Family
- Ubergrues don't eat Grues.
- Ubergrues don't eat Eurgs.
- If an Ubergrue meets an Anti-Grue, the Anti-Grue can be a nice guy/girl/transsexual thing. So the Ubergrue will kill it and eat it. If you are the Anti-Grue, you have at least more chance of surviving than a human.
- If an Ubergrue meets the Eurg-Itna, since the Eurg-Itna is taking things way too far the Ubergrue will kill it and eat it.
- If an Ubergrue meets the Mega-Gruyurg, no one knows what will happen. However since the information provided on the Mega-Gruyurg makes no sense, it probably doesn't exist and should thus be disregarded. And anyway, wouldn't it make more sense that the Mega-Gruyurg appeared from an Anti-Grue and an Eurg-Itna, and not an Anti-Grue, a Grue, and an Eurg? Geez. Get your facts straight.
- Please disregard some of the information in the point above. Weird Al found out that it was an idiot who wrote that point down. Weird Al, having the Universe in backup, found out that when an Ubergrue meets the Mega-Gruyurg, the Mega-Gruyurg scampers off like a scared kitten. Don't ask me why, no one knows for sure, but it sure made a good choice. The Ubergrue just mutters to itself, calling the Mega- coward a Stone-headed Coward and trots off somewhere else.
[edit] If Ubergrue meets Petunia
Since the Ubergrue can kill a Eurg-Itna and scare a Mega-Guryurg, Petunia will kill it using the super atomic sknuk bomb laser, which kills it. She and Chuck Norris can kill Ubergrues.
[edit] Mythical Variations of Ubergrues
The discovery of Ubergrues led to several myths about them, however there is only one type of Ubergrue (although many subspecies). Below are the supposed variations of Ubergrue, proven false.
- Uberubergrues. No one has seen one, if they do exist the mere image of them posted on the internet and poorly photoshopped would cause death to anyone who looked upon it, even the blind. We can only hope they dont exist, but it seems pretty far fetched so lets just say they don't.
- The Eurgrebu. Possibly the most common mythical Ubergrue, this makes no sense. Since Eurgs are the opposite of Grues, a Eurgrebu would logically be the opposite of an Ubergrue. However since Ubergrues are a cross between Eurgs and Grues, the opposite of an Ubergrue would be itself. So therefore all Ubergrues could also be Eurgrebus, however since Ubergrue sounds way cooler we use that name. However, this has a flaw. Grue-combination is not commutative. Eurgrebus = Ubergrues with a cooler color scheme.
- The Anti-Ubergrue. If such a being existed, we'd all be dead right now. As it is, its a miracle we're still alive.
- The Eurgrebu-Itna. This is taking stuff way, way too far.
- The Mega-Ubergruyurgrebu. Weren't you paying attention at all? Go read this section over again. And again. And again. And again, until you GET IT!!! Such a being would collapse on itself and make a massive black hole anyway.
- The Mega-Anti-Ubergruyurgrebu-Itna-Agem. This would cause the universe to explode, which would then flow over into the multiverse, thus causing the multiverse to explode. The multiverse would proceed to cause the omniverse to explode. Then Petunia will kill herself out of insanity. In even thinking about this, you are crushing some poor universe somewhere. And detracting from your own sanity. And significantly shortening your life. So don't.
- The Devil Grue. There is only one Devil Grue fabled to exist, and simply hearing its name can give you cancer. Satan is its bitch, and its name strikes fear into the hearts of angels. Its heart is rumored to be a black crystal that can shoot a laser made of pure fail. This is the only recorded instance of 100% untainted essence of fail existing as a pure substance. EFG is said to worship this crystal. The Failbeam, as it is called, has been hypothesized as powerful enough to counter Chuck Norris's essence of omnipotence. It's not even close to likely, but let's fucking hope not, or we will all more than die.
[edit] Famous Ubergrues
The grim reaper reaper is a famous Ubergrue who kills grim reapers. Domo-kun is a Ubergrue created by the God of the Grues to look like a ordinary Grue, unite all Grue species and sub-species, then lead them against Amy Rose, Chuck Norris, Mr. T, and all other entities that would stand against the resultant Grue Galactic Empire, with Domo-Kun as Emperor Palpagrue, and the Grim Reaper Reaper as Darth Grueder.
Cthulhu is the only ubergrue to ever go to college. It currently resides in its sunken vacation home in R'lyeh.
