USSR
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
For the band see: Soviet Union (band)
| |||||
| Motto: "Join my country or join another, but I'll shoot you | |||||
| Anthem: Back in the USSR | |||||
 | |||||
| Capital | Moscow, East Ayrshire, Scotland | ||||
| Largest city | Poland | ||||
| Official languages | Soviet (not Russian!! its Soviet geez when will you people learn) | ||||
| Government | Communism | ||||
| Generalissimus | Comrade Zombie Lenin | ||||
| General Premier | Comrade Zombie Trotsky | ||||
| National Hero(es) | {{{national_heros}}} | ||||
| Declaration of Formation | November 2017 - infinity | ||||
| Currency | Flattened Peasants and kalashnikovasStolichnaya | ||||
| Religion | Alcoholics Anonymous | ||||
| Favourite pastime | A completely sober and planified thinking about conquering the World | ||||
Red- The USSR, land conquered by Soviets, or puppet states to the USSR.
Blue- The evil bloodsucking capitalist Allies.
Green- The slightly-less-evil bloodsucking capitalist neutral countries.
Gray-The Great and Glorious non-communist ally that is Kentuckistan.
The USSR, also called "Soviet Union", is a labor union that was organized as a response to Wal-Mart's practice of indentured slave labor.
The USSR (Russian: ИЗЗЯ or СССР) is the name for which Minster and its coworkers have named their region, "The United Settlements Surrounding the Roundabouts." The USSR was created in the Big Gangbang, where Mother Monkton, Mister Minster, and Frank, the gods of the USSR, engaged in group sex, which resulted (to their surprise) in offspring being created, which then went to inhabit Minster, Monkton, and St. Nicholas-at-wade.
Some boring people, however, think it stands for "Unwanted Stinky Smelly Rubbish."
Not much is known of the Soviets except for the fact that they loved golden hammers like the ones from Harvest Moon and some kind of fucking golden hook type thing...popularized by their flag thing. Somehow these ideals conflicted with the United States and everything they held dear (i.e. Pigs, freedom fries, cannibalism, fake democracy, Prohibition, fake moon landings, snow, despair, and presidents with mutton chops). This conflict of interest led to strong animosity between the two countries, culminating in the fiercely battled Cold War, which in retrospect is a retarded name since there wasn't much war, and if there was it was always in hot places. Fucking historians.
Rumored to be located somewhere north of the South Pole, it was the world's first communist state and second user of the backward R (to give it a sort of "Яussian flavor"). The country is famed for its cunning linguists and master debaters, empowered by their frequent use of a very powerful linguistic tool that originated in their culture, the so called "Russian reversal". Even the most hard-lined opponents have been thwarted by this argumentative wonder. Historians do not know how far back in history the usage of the Russian reversal can be traced, but it is believed to have been started by brilliant USSR orator and philosopher, Yakov Smirnoff, with the phrase, "In Soviet Russia, party finds you!"
Contents |
[edit] History
- Main article: History of the USSR
“IN SOVIET RUSSIA, HISTORY READS YOU!!''”
~ USSR Historiographers on Soviet History
Oh also:
- In Communist Russia you do not watch the TV, TV watches YOU!!
- In Communist Russia you do not drink vodka, vodka drinks YOU!!
- In Communist Russia if you don't do what I say, you join the army and get killed in Red Square.
- In Communist Russia book reads YOU!!
(~This is way it was before Wall fell)
[edit] Achievements
Perhaps most notable accomplishment of the Soviets was the coining the now widely used term LOL. Russian for "comrade," it was a word developed to stand either before or after every sentence, phrase, word, letter, whatever and also for the most drunk people in the world (apart from the Irish and The Canadian Republic). For example, the sentence "Comrade, you've tested positive for AIDS" would be translated loosely to "LOL you have AIDS!" And now our internet sounds like a pack of twelve year-old retards all hopped up on paint thinner. Damn commies polluting our children. We shoulda killed 'em all off when we had the chance back in the American Revolution. Oh they tried to fool us with all that British broo-hah-hah, but it's those red coats that give 'em away. Crafty swine... Huh? Oh! I mean... yeah, Russian achievements... Ummm, I guess Tetris is kinda fun... for like 8 seconds. They also make a pretty good scapegoat for every imaginable problem with the world from 1945 to 1991. EVERYTHING! Another achievement of the soviet union, yet no so important as creation of the LOL world, was the biggest manslaughter in history. Actually the soviets managed to kill nearly 100 000 000 people out of which 90% were USSR citizens. Keep up the good work Joseph!
Важнее этого, после второй мировой войны, Советские школы начинались курсами иностранных языков. Дети Русских рабочих учили Английский, Немецкий, и даже Украинский. Эта новая мысль давала возможность великие шпионы, которие имели езжать в другую страну и претендовать, что они там родились. Эти молодцы платили бедленных Американских бюрократов за секретов, и даже крали атомную бомбу после конца её строительство! Это было возможно, потому что в Америке и в Англии, не знают о других языках, кроме Испанский. Думают что Русский или Греческий, или обратно написанно. (Конечно не можете читать это... по тому что это Греческий... Читайте обратно! Или вы никогда не будете понимать.)
Например, смотри: "Я." Как "R", но нанисанно - обратно. И так: "западный сукин сын." Обратно: "Hic hikus nid hoapae." Теперь вам нужно только учит Греческий или Латинсий, и можете читать. И потом, можете даже ебать свою мать! Молодец.
[edit] Military Aggression
The sole purpose of the Soviet military was the defeat of Santa Claus, who claimed to have a larger beard than Karl Marx and wore a red costume without the politburo's permission. The US was chickenshit compared to Santa Claus who was the Soviet Union's one true and only feared enemy. Claus' steel plated beard could withstand heavy artillery fire and a paoply of other Soviet shells. Moreover, his resistance to winter conditions and his ability to produce an unlimited supply of weapons in his North Pole facility made him quite formidable indeed. For this reason, the entire Soviet nuclear submarine fleet was stationed underneath the polar ice caps. If the worst should happen, and Santa's Elvish hordes were battering down the Kremlin's gates, these submarines would detonate themselves, ensuring that the jolly menace would haunt the Earth no more. If the worst had already happened, but things got worse anyway, Santa would summon the four horseman, and they would poo wildly.
The Soviet Union was unwittingly forced into mounting a massive invasion of Afghanistan in 1979, when a Red Army garrison stationed near the Soviet-Afghan border randomly charged across it. It was later learned that the troops, suffering from the Kremlin's ban on counter-revolutionary Western rock music, were exposed to the sound of a pack of Pashtuns rocking out in the middle of nowhere to the 1979 album "Harder...Faster" by Canadian assassins and rock quintet April Wine. Thus committed, Moscow committed full military resources to the conquest of Afghanistan; the invasion was initially successful, but Afghan forces gradually turned the tide, reinforced by the release of subsequent April Wine albums "The Nature of the Beast", "Power Play" and "Animal Grace."
In 1987, the Soviet Union made a desperate sprint for world conquest. With the aid of a manual on the building and maintaining of Hyperion class warships (found by a drunken ice fisherman and his polar bear) the Soviets began producing what would soon become the Soviet Galactic Battle Fleet. Supreme Commander Aleksander Bashkir was appointed as the admiral for this cosmic force. The assault started with an orbital volley on strategic points such as the Pentagon, White House and nuclear missile silos, disrupting the chain of command and making President Bill Clinton spill his coffee. Hapless Soviet conscripts where deployed from drop capsules and pushed through Mexico, maiming anyone wearing a cowboy hat and pillaging those stupid suburbs, all with their identical houses and identical soccer moms and their identical kids called Jason and Jennifer. Due to the massive advantage of the battle fleet and America having a leader with an IQ closely rivaling that of a cardboard box, the United States of America quickly fell and its allies soon followed. The admiral of the battle fleet and whatever US officials survived the assault signed the US's surrender. Unfortunately because nearly everything that comes out of Russia is defective in some way, the battle fleet suddenly and without warning, detonated in low orbit, showering North America with radioactive particles and debris, causing mass birth defects and permanent retardation in the American population.
[edit] Allies
Serbia, Burgonia, Cuba, Poland, Poonterlanden, Ukraine, China, Loughborough, George, The Shamrock Pub in Ireland, Lichtenstein, United States of Central America, J.A. Flecha (also known as GeroY AsfaltA) and Richard Nixon.
[edit] USSR Today
It is widely believed that the Soviet Union broke up after 1989, but it lives, and is still one of the world's superpowers. It's current leader is "Slenin" a super human clone made from Lenin and Stalin's DNA. The US was merely a puppet state, their real enemies are the Swiss. The Soviet-Swiss Pact of 1991 officially bound the two nations into an alliance, because the Soviet Union and Switzerland would have bombed themselves into oblivion. The truce still holds today, but recent tensions have led to renewed fears of a nuclear holocaust. As of 2009, the Swiss have entered into a massive economic decline due to its dwindling illegal money transfers made from American druglords. The present-day Soviet underworld have subsequently made recent advances in the current global balance of power.
[edit] Reunion
Although the USSR disbanded, there has been talk of a reunion. Relations between Russia and the Ukraine have warmed up recently, and Russia is reportedly taking calls from the Ukraine and even agreed to meet for coffee. Present-day Ukrainians and Russians refer to this day as the Day of Unmentionable Man-Boy Love. If successful, they would reform the USSR along with the other members and play at next year's Live Aid show if Russia's tour schedule with Alison Krause allows.
[edit] Possible return to power
Recently, rumors have been spreading that User:Zfleming2007 may bring about the return of the USSR. Supposedly, you are helping him do it as well. No one knows for sure. In all, it's probably nothing more than a lie.
