United Parcel Service
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“Ask not what Brown can do for you, but what you can do for brown.”
~ John F. Kennedy on UPS
Under Paid Slaves (popularly known as UPS[1]) is a parcel-dropping service based in the United States of America. UPS controls roughly 80% of the lucrative parcel dropping and damaging market.
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[edit] Goals
The main goal of UPS is to deliver your parcel under one of the following terms:
- When your doorbell is broken.
- While you are in the bathtub, shower, or making love (or, more likely in your case, while masturbating to Jem reruns).
- Whenever you aren't home
- After 7 p.m., when it's something you need for a 5 p.m. meeting with your gay lover.
- Four hours after the pre-determined delivery time
- Four days after the pre-determined delivery date
- Four miles from your house
- Never
- After you die.
- Beat to hell by the teenagers they hire to load/unload them on trucks.
- The nano-second your ass cheeks touch the toilet seat after eating a large Mexican meal.
- In a box thats been crushed by Rosie 'I Can't Believe she's not butter' O'Donnell.
- With the word DILDO stamped on the box, when your parole officer has arrived for an unscheduled interview.
Foreign customers can generally expect a brokerage fee of approximately the package's weight in gold before/if (see above), they receive their package
[edit] Parcel Tracking
Parcel tracking is a method of letting the customer know how far lost their package is.
The tracking of the package can be accomplished by two methods both using a tracking number, which is a series of bizarre letters, numbers and symbols that all sound or look alike, and actually have no meaning, being selected by an advanced nonsensical algorithim.
Tracking can be done through the website or over the phone with a customer representative. When using the website all inquires that are not being incorrectly routed or that are not lost will bring up a page screen that says the tracking number is invalid and that you can call some long disconnected number.
If you do manage to reach a working number and the offices are still open you will be placed on hold and a pre-recorded voice will tell you to use the web-site. This will be repeated every thirty seconds until you hang up. If the pre-recorded voice is taking a union-issued mandatory coffee break you will speak with a human being.
When giving your tracking number for the 14th time the human will ask you questions simular to, but not limited to, "Did you say, 'B' or 'V?' oh ok, 'C', no 'D?' Did you say, 'Q' or 'F'? There are some cases where the package has arrived before the end of the phone call.
[edit] Delivery Truck
Not only a means to an end, the "big brown truck" has become an icon of blocking traffic and accelerating wildly when least expected. Most of the trucks in service today are still standard transmissions, though the drivers still look like sissies in those shorts no matter how long your shifter is. The true hauling capacity of the truck is unknown, as it has been suggested that UPS has pioneered a crude form of wormhole technology. Not having even come close to mastering this technology it only becomes another way to lose your package, but this time in an alternate dimension. It is common practice for the truck to be driven with both side doors wide open, this allows the driver to bail out quickly for emergency crapper breaks due to his 5th pot of coffee finally metabolizing (potty breaks are union-allowed to last as long as needed regardless of how late your shit is). It is not understood why UPS trucks all appear to be First World War troop carriers, however the low quality suspension does aid in increasing the likelyhood that fragile items will arrive broken.
[edit] That One Creepy Delivery Guy
At UPS, there is always at least one "creepy" delivery guy assigned to each hub. He usually drives his truck with the back door open, mumbles unintelligibly, has a Kleenex stuck up his nose, has crazy-eyes, and whines about any package that weighs over six pounds. He is also trained to never reveal his name, signing all end-of-day statements with a scribble. The scribble is then smudged with his hand. He also throws boxes into the back of his truck with the utmost uncare.
[edit] What does UPS really mean?
People say UPS means "United Parcel Service" but, Uncyclopedia has its own ideas.
- United Package Smashers
- United Pimp Service
- Uncles Provide Service
- Unusual People Suck
- Untrustworthy Parcel Service
- Unattractive People Service
[edit] Front organizations
UPS has been alleged to hide behind variously-named front organisations with names varying from Mail Boxes Etc. to simply The UPS Store.
All of these appear to be a scam by which one UPS representative shows up with a box in some arbitrary condition and another UPS representative sits waiting behind a counter next to a bank of mailboxes and photocopiers to sign for this box. The actual content of the package is irrelevant; in all cases you must pay each of the two UPS people, effectively doubling profit for UPS Inc.
[edit] Footnotes
- ↑ a popular urban legend says "UPS" is pronounced "Oops!" due to their high rates of damaged parcels, but this is a filthy lie spread by none other than Satan.
