United Parcel Service

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Tim

Hi, I'm Tim. Here's your Package.

“I ordered it three months ago and all I got is a piece of junk! Bleh!”
“Ask not what Brown can do for you, but what you can do for brown.”

UnderPaid Slaves (or UPS[1]) is a partial-junk-dropping service based in the United Sanctions of America. UPS controls roughly 80% of the lucrative partial dropping and damaging market through delivering your junk.

Tking shipments

Expect a wait of 3-6 months for regular shipments

edit Partial Tracking

Halle-berry-mothers-day-01

Former UPS customer Halle Berry is looking to find all her lost packages.

Partial tracking is a method of letting the customer know how far their junk extends to the lost partial package.

The tracking of the package can be accomplished by two methods both using a tracking number, which is a series of bizarre letters, numbers and symbols that all sound or look alike, and actually have no meaning, being selected by an advanced nonsensical algorhythm.

Tracking can be done through the website or over the phone with a customer representative.

When using the website, all inquires that are not being incorrectly routed or that are not lost will bring up a page screen that says the tracking number is invalid and that you can call some long disconnected number.

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One of Halle Berry's missing packages was delivered instead to actor Ken Berry.

If you do manage to reach a working number and the offices are still open, you will be placed on hold and a pre-recorded voice will tell you to use the web-site.

This will be repeated every thirty seconds until you hang up. If the pre-recorded voice is taking a union-issued mandatory coffee break you will speak with a human being. When giving your tracking number for the 14th time the human will ask you questions similar to, but not limited to, "Did you say, 'B' or 'V?' oh ok, 'C', no 'D?' Did you say, 'Q' or 'F'? Often, your merchandise will arrive before the call ends.

edit Delivery Truck

Not only a means to an end, the "big brown truck" has become an icon of blocking traffic and accelerating wildly when least expected. Most of the trucks in service today are still standard transmissions, though the drivers still look like sissies in those shorts no matter how long your shifter is. The true hauling capacity of the truck is unknown, as it has been suggested that UPS has pioneered a crude form of wormhole technology. Not having even come close to mastering this technology it only becomes another way to lose your package, but this time in an alternate dimension.

Ups truck

A typical UPS truck

It is common practice for the truck to be driven with both side doors wide open, this allows the driver to bail out quickly for emergency crapper breaks due to his 5th pot of coffee finally metabolizing (potty breaks are union-allowed to last as long as needed regardless of how late your shit is). It is not understood why UPS trucks all appear to be First World War troop carriers, however the low quality suspension does aid in increasing the likelyhood that fragile items will arrive broken.

edit That One Creepy Delivery Guy

Mullet redneck

A typical UPS truck and driver in Cajun Louisiana & Southern Alabama.

At UPS, there is always at least one "creepy" delivery guy assigned to each hub. He usually drives his truck with the back door open, mumbles unintelligibly, has a Kleenex stuck up his nose, has crazy-eyes, and whines about any package that weighs over six pounds. He is also trained to never reveal his name, signing all end-of-day statements with a scribble. The scribble is then smudged with his hand. He also throws boxes into the back of his truck with the utmost uncare.

edit Front organizations

UPS has been alleged to hide behind variously-named front organisations with names varying from Mail Boxes Etc. to simply The UPS Store.

All of these appear to be a scam by which one UPS representative shows up with a box in some arbitrary condition and another UPS representative sits waiting behind a counter next to a bank of mailboxes and photocopiers to sign for this box. The actual content of the package is irrelevant; in all cases you must pay each of the two UPS people, effectively doubling profit for UPS Inc.

edit Footnotes

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Another one of Halle Berry's missing packages was delivered in error to musician Chuck Berry; who exclaimed, "I finally received my My Ding-a-Ling. I ordered that thing back in 1972."

  1. "UPS" is pronounced "Oops!" due to their high rates of damaged parcels.

edit See Also

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