Uncyclopedia:Imaginary Admin Guidelines

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It has wide acceptance among editors and is considered a standard that everyone should follow, unless they don't want to, in which case they are free to ignore it, in which case nobody will care. Please make use of the standing on one knee position to propose to this policy.

Big Brother
Cquote1 If you ladies leave my island, if you survive recruit training, you will be a weapon. You will be a minister of death praying for war. But until that day you are pukes. You are the lowest form of life on Earth. You are not even human, fucking beings. You are nothing but unorganized grabastic pieces of amphibian shit. Because I am hard you will not like me. But the more you hate me the more you will learn. I am hard but I am fair. There is no racial bigotry here. I do not look down on niggers, kikes, wops or greasers. Here you are all equally worthless. And my orders are to weed out all non-hackers who do not pack the gear to serve in my beloved Corps. Do you maggots understand that? Cquote2

Dear First Time Admin,

Welcome to the front line Soldier, please accept our commiserations.

This is the Imaginary Admin Guidance Manual (any question of this articles existence will be officially denied by your Government), please make yourself aware of all of the sections of these guidelines so that you may better fullfill your role as grunt for this website.

edit Terms Used Within this Guide

The following terms are used throughout this document -

  • Admin — Soldier, front line cannon-fodder. Has big guns, can call in air strikes.
  • Patroller — Regular soldier, front line operator, can call in big guns and air strikes.
  • User — Civilians, who must be protected at all costs from bandits, bloggers, wreckers, dicks and marketeers for the greater good of the comedy world.
  • Articles — Uncyclopedia is the alcohol that courses through the very veins of knowledge. It is your mission to keep this precious commodity flowing. Weaker brews also provide the troops vital practice for the Rocket-Propelled-Huff programme.
Cquote1 The deadliest weapon in the world is an Admin and his banstick. It is your killer instinct which must be harnessed if you expect to survive vandalism. Your banstick is only a tool. It is a hard heart that blocks. If your killer instincts are not clean and strong you will hesitate at the moment of truth. You will not block. You will then become bored Admins, rollbacking, huffing and reverting for a few minutes, and you will be in a world of shit, because Admins are not allowed to be bored without permission. Do you maggots understand? Cquote2

edit Section One - War IS Peace

1.1 Users are persuaded to follow the Guidelines using a number of techniques. These are defined as Learning, Understanding and Acceptance.

1.2 Learning is achieved through the use of a "carrot and whip" system. Any contribution submitted by a User is greeted with either a carrot or a whip. We have no idea why, or what they represent.

1.3 Mutual understanding can usually be fostered within the User quite easily and quickly. However, in rare cases, achieving mutual understanding can be a challenge and application of repeated reinforcement may be the only technique suitable. B-Vocabulary Terms such as ShowPreview and AutoBan are tried and tested methods for aiding with this process.

1.4 Acceptance is achieved when it is understood that the goal it to write funny stuff, that every move is scrutinized in finite detail to squeeze out that last joke. At this point they really love Uncyclopedia, or have gone back to Reddit.

1.5 Remember, many Users could be enemy in disguise. Utilize terminological inexactitudes about their true intentions.

edit Section Two - Ignorance IS Strength

2.1 All Admins are required to submit to the Two Minutes Hate Programme. This refers to the statuatory minimum allowance of daily huffing.

2.2 Periodic Hate Weeks are often required to keep the levels of Articles to a sustainable level. This also reinforces the power of the Admin AND provides more work for the Users.

2.3 All Admins are required to submit to a minimum of 8 (eight) hours BanStick training each week.

2.4 Admins must offer unbiased views when interfacing with Users, in cleansing operations and discussing matters pertaining to Uncyclopedia in open forum.

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