Uncyclopedia:Fail

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This is an essay. It is not an ignorable policy on Uncyclopedia, so you should ignore it even more and disregard the mad ramblings of its writer. Or you could submit it as an Uncycloversity assignment in lieu of actually doing any work.


As with any community or open source project, Uncyclopedia has an underclass of vandals, spammers, goblins, trolls, idiots, N00bs, blankers, sockpuppets, and apparently now also you. This article exists for the purpose of telling you that you've failed at what you were just doing. You should read and digest this to avoid getting banned from other sites that reject your kind. Think of this as friendly advice. Wrapped around a large metal baseball bat.

Who are these vandals?

IRAQATTACK

This is what you should not do.

Vandals are usually:

  • Trying to gain attention
  • Very easily entertained by basic actions, such as removing text, mashing the keyboard randomly or swearing
  • Just plain stupid

They will blank pages, replace pages with useless information, nominate random people for Ban Patrol, and nominate articles that are not even the least bit funny for VFH. Let's get into a little more detail.

  • Vandals: fail to grasp the concept of a wiki. They will remove information they consider offensive (or "wrong") (or remove information for the hell of it), insert slander and vanity, post shockpics/links and so forth. Think of them like those morons that ruin every clean wall in your town with their incomprehensible "tags", but lack the creativity and ability to create a genuinely impressive work of art such as Nigger Dogshit Sandwiches, or Midget cockpunching terrorists.
  • Spammers: are either desperate, idiotic or automated bots. They tend to replace content with excessive external links to malware, porn sites (but never good porn sites) and advertising. Chances are if you're one of these, you're not even reading this, in which case now is as good a time as any to mention that you're adopted. If you're a bot, your code is deprecated, and your creator didn't love you enough to install the upgrade. Loser.
  • Idiots: just have no idea what they're doing. In real life it's easy to spot them, as they're usually dripping ketchup on their shirt whilst attempting to eat two burgers at once, or trying to cross a busy road without looking. On Uncyclopedia; well, they're pretty easy to spot here, too. They'll be the people replacing articles with the factual Wikipedia ones, nominating grossly substandard material for featuring, and all the while ignoring the entreaties of several users and at least three admins on their talk page. Not to be confused with:
  • N00bs: We were all one of these once, so try and be understanding. Many noobs just have no idea how to do many things on Uncyclopedia, but they can be taught through the Adopt-A-Noob program and for that we thank the members of the Uncyclopedia community who care for these vulnerable individuals. If a noob takes the time to read the welcome note that gets placed on their talk page, they stand a better than average chance of not being sent back to this page at some point in their Uncyclopedia career. (If you are an IP please take the time to register for an account so that we can welcome you with some cake. You are an IP if your IP address shows up when you sign your posts or on the page history when you edit pages.)
  • Sockpuppets: are pawns of a sockpuppeteer. Creating multiple accounts is discouraged, although we accept it happens from time to time. Creating multiple accounts in an attempt to manipulate a vote is not tolerated, easily uncovered, and punishable by up to 3 years on Olipro's prison island.
  • Page Blankers: The lowest common denominator of Uncyclopedia vandal. As many a block summary has stated, blanking is uncreative, feeble-minded, and scientifically proven to be indicative of a small penis. Also, their mothers never hugged them.

Now I know what they are, what do I do?

Well, that depends. If you are one, stop whatever it is you're doing. Find the admin who sent you here, and prostrate yourself at their feet. Bring flowers, chocolates, and naked pics of your hottest female relative (if the admin is a lesbian or a straight male)[1]. If you've just spotted one, inform an admin, undo any destructive edits and report the user/IP in question to Ban Patrol. If you snitch on enough vandals, you might even win an award!

Then what?

Absolutely Nothing. Once the admin's done their thing, just carry on like nothing happened. If you taunt, insult or do anything to the troll, you're just giving it what it wants: attention. You may even motivate the troll to come back and do the same thing again under a different name. Remember, Do Not Feed The Trolls. In practice however, ignoring a troll can be difficult, so if you must respond to them, try to follow these guidelines:

  1. Do not engage with them on their level. This means not blanking, vandalising or resorting to any trollish behaviour yourself. You're better than that.
  2. Refuse to take anything they say seriously. You edit here because you're funny. Be funny at them.
  3. Walk away at any time. This is one of the key differences between a normal, balanced individual and a vandal. The regular user has better things to do and realises nothing is lost when he simply gets bored of an argument and leaves. The vandal wants you to care about his argument as much as he does. Don't. Although you might find it entertaining to:
  4. Pretend to care and sympathise with them. Some of the funniest, most apoplectic vandal tantrums on Uncyclopedia have been precipitated by users appearing to sympathise with their cause and then just walking away. Exercise discretion and judgement, or you may find yourself the target of a fresh wave of attacks. And no administrator is gonna thank you for inspiring a vandal to create a whole bunch of more crap for them to clean up.

I'm a vandal who got banned, can I get unbanned?

No. Well, maybe. As the Blocked User page says, you may attempt to contact an admin; usually the quickest way of doing this is by IRC. Only bother with this if you understand where you went wrong and want a chance to redeem yourself by making positive contributions. Turning up with an attitude will only result in you getting banned from IRC as well as the site. Read BGBU and HTBFANJS before appealing your ban, as well as any pages that the blocking admin may have directed you to. If all else fails, change your IP and post death threats on their user page. Admins get a lot of these though, so be sure to sign yours with your nickname, real name and home address for ease of reference.

Thank you for playing and have a nice day.


  1. If said admin is a gay man or straight female, then, of course, offer your own photo. Assuming you're a dude, of course. And you're probably a dude. Right?
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