Uncyclopedia:Don't Eat Waffles Here
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Eating waffles is a very popular pastime among people aged young to old. Upon first analysis, that doesn't seem too outrageous. What's there to dislike? The syrup. The butter. The waffles. The fork. The knife. It's an experience that does not seem to warrant improvement. The only thing that would make it better would be if waffles weren't trying to destroy everything you love from the inside out with a reckless abandon previously thought to be completely impossible. Yes, but for the little caveat that waffles have no remorse about killing you and your family and/or friends depending which group you care about more, they're just the bee's knees. Peaches and cream. Waffles and syrup, if you will. But they're awful. And that's why it is official Uncyclopedia policy that you Don't Eat Waffles Here.
Why One Would Eat Waffles
Time for a hypothetical: Stu wakes up. It's a dreary day, rain and fog rolling in from the east. It's too damn early and it's too damn cold to even think about getting out of bed. Yet here Stu is, standing in his leather underwear, alone in his kitchen. Stu's so damn hungry it's driving him mad, but all Stu has in the cupboard is cold cereal. Cold cereal, the breakfast of champions. Cold cereal - Honey Bunches of Oats, perhaps - that Stu's been eating without fail for the past fifteen years of his dull, lonely life. Suddenly, an epiphany! "Instead of cold cereal, I'll have waffles!" Stu frolics to the freezer to pull out the frozen delicacies, not caring that his leather underwear has torn from the sudden movement.
What a wonderful world it would be if life were that simple. Stu would get his waffles. Suddenly, the rain and fog would clear, leaving sunny skies. Instantly the temperature in his home would rise, and out of the ether would materialize his future wife, model quality body and the intelligence of a slightly retarded platypus. Stu would throw his waffles in the toaster, and suddenly he has a job. That's right, now he has a reason to wake up in the morning. A suit is hanging on his closet door, and Stu can finally look at himself in the mirror without suppressing his gag reflex. The toaster dings, and Stu pulls out the delightful treats, throwing them onto a plate with nary a care in the world. After buttering them up, Stu reaches for the syrup...and the world stops.
Why One Would Be a Fool to Eat Waffles
Stu's decided to eat waffles! The fool! As soon as his hand touched that syrup, everything changed. Back to the way it was. No, worse. Now he's back where he started, but his best friend Fluffy is also dead. He died on Stu's pillow, and he has to move him before he goes to sleep again. Because Stu ate waffles. It's the syrup that's the evil thing, you see. Kindly consult the following list to see what makes syrup evil:
- It is sticky
- It rots your teeth
- It smells like syrup
- It can rip a hole in the space-time continuum (probably)
Pure fact has now shown that syrup is more evil than homosexuals. Bearing this in mind, the logic behind not eating waffles here is both clear and, quite frankly, ingenious. Waffles can't be consumed without syrup. Syrup is evil. Ipso facto, waffles are evil. The thesis is flawless and needs no further expansion.
But, Wait! I Eat Waffles With Brown Sugar! Can I Eat Waffles Around Here?
There are three reasons that you may not eat waffles around here, aside from the fact that it has very clearly been stated that you are not to eat waffles around here. The first reason relates to your clear lack of mental ability, the second reason discusses the unexpected evil of brown sugar, and the third brings some practical consideration into the equation.
No, Part I: You're Clearly a Moron
Waffles are meant to be eaten with syrup. Waffles cannot be eaten alone, as they would simply be bread in the shape of a deep-sea diver helmet mask. Waffles cannot be eaten with ketchup, because that's just disgusting. And waffles certainly cannot be eaten with brown sugar, because that's not what brown sugar is for! Brown sugar is for the inside of Pop Tarts and to undertake jihad against sugar-infidels. In short, you're dumb. If you were told to lick a flagpole during the winter, but were then told that you shouldn't do it because your tongue would get stuck, you'd still do it because it looked like it tasted good. You might have even laughed at that joke. That just further proves the point that you are unintelligent. Uncyclopedia may be the worst, but we aren't that bad. We don't want you.
No, Part II: Brown Sugar - Granular, Delicious . . . Racist?
We live in the modern age, and considering the state of affairs between the Western World and the Middle East, the health of the economy, and the complete absence of intolerance, it is easy to forget that once in the not-so-distant past, slavery was the primary contributor to the GDPs of most world powers. In the West Indies, slaves were paid approximately a penny per never to laboriously cultivate and harvest sugar cane for consumption by the elite. Supporting sugar is supporting an industry that once partook in the severest form of hate: the kind that makes money. You value money over human rights. You are a horrible person. Again, you are worse than Uncyclopedia. We don't want you.
No, Part III: Brown Sugar is Really Small and is Difficult to Vacuum
Don't. Eat. Waffles. Here.